I've been reading some the Michele Weiner Davis stuff over the past couple of days and then I saw this video she has on YouTube.com and I can tell you this is exactly what my wife was like. Down to the exact words that Michele uses. "Too little, tool late. Where were you when I needed you!" The big one my wife has said over and over... "I see the changes you are making. I don't trust you and if I let my guard down, we'll be back here in a week or two" Exactly what my wife says to me. Just said it again last night! Then I'm the guy that's gone out and bought every book and hanging out on TAM! I wish I could show this to my wife, but I know I shouldn't right now... What do you guys think of this video?
Once you are hurt, you want two things... to know the other person hurts just as much (the more you hurt the more she knows you care) AND to protect the heard from breaking again. You will create walls, push away (while all you want is for the person to come closer) you will do anything to protect. It takes a LONG time to rebuild a trust in someone who can hold, and consequently crush your heart.
You can't recreate the "where were you when I needed you" and until you prove you will be there (which can only happen by actually BEING there when you are most needed, so you might have to wait to prove that one) so any pain and frustration she felt when you missed the cue, will be there till you prove different.
It's not mean, it not psycho, it's reality. It sux, but there is not much you can do. Wouldn't you go into protection mode if you had already been hurt? No one wants to repeat that.
Resentments are sometimes hard to overcome. Too little too late is real and for some it doesn't matter what the spouse does the damage isn't fixable.
Best of luck!
That is where my wife is coming from. But time might heal this enough for her to come to the table and start think about working it out. She just has to make a decision if this is something she wants or not. Right now I'm hoping she comes down on the side that she wants to stay with me and the kids, but it seems like a mountain to climb right now...
I turned off my angry, pissed off persona and lighten up a lot about 24 hours ago and she is responding nicely. I just can't keep being that pissed off person anymore and I'm sure she doesn't want it either. I am present...
Use Manning up method at the beginning and during the marriage, when you still have the marriage.
When the marriage is almost gone, being angry and pi$$ed off just makes the scene ugly. Being indifferent just closes the door! To me, no matter how wonderful you want to become for her, it is difficult for her to believe that you will become the man she wants. Because we all know it is difficult to change a person's personality.
I am not trying to discourage you. You still have 50/50 chance when your marriage is still there.
Here is my feeling towards my ex.
We started out with an OK marriage, I did my best to be a partner and a loving wife. I didn't expect much, I just wanted a happy family, a life without financial insecurity. I gave birth to his son, I saved hard for us, we bought an apartment(my money). I never thought that I would leave this marriage.
But at that time, his career was more important to him, his status in the company was more important to him, that was his priority, to be somebody important in life.
Our sex started to be boring after the infatuation stage, there was little interaction, he didn't come home until 10 at night, the final straw, he chose to go to a far away place to pursue his career dream while I had to stay back in his country.
I struggled, I tried, I wanted my feeling to go back to him. My age, divorce is not a good word. After two years of struggling, I told myself I can't keep on going like this anymore.
I was more decisive, I had more guts. Once I made that decision, I left everything to him. It is difficult for me to live with a man who I have no feeling for. He said that he would change, he would do everything for me, but it was too late. I had made the decision.
What you have done is done, it is difficult for her to change her impression about you.
If she stays, not because she loves, but because she has nowhere to go. When you live with a person like this, she is miserable, she will make your life miserable too.
I really don't suggest this kind of relationship.
But for your age, it is easier for you to find a woman, more difficult for her to find a man.
I walked out, I was young, I was beautiful, I was attractive, I had a job, I had a lot of good things to help me walk out and move on. Don't know about her situation. But if her heart is dead, her feeling is gone, she will think living alone is better than living with you together.
Once again, some view point from a woman who had been in similar situation. All these men are helping you, but they are talking to you from men's point of view!
What she did wasn't an honorable thing, but if you know clearly that you are responsible for part of it, you have to examine yourself and apologize too.
I don't want to picture her as an evil cheating wife, I try to understand her feeling.
I told you about what happened between my husband and me. My husband gained more respect from me by admitting he had to shoulder some of the blame, he hugged me and comforted me and told me he would work on his part.
I am not going to say what a marriage should be or shouldn't be.
I wish you and your wife work out your problems.
Or I wish you find a peaceful life with or without her!
I have read and seen this now if the walk a ways had just stood their ground when they first had an issue instead of waiting years to face it.............things would be different. Posted via Mobile Device
For both sexes, but especially for women since they seem to file for more divorces then men, I implore you all to seek counseling the minute you have a thought about an affair. I wish my wife had dragged my a$$ into MC a couple of years ago and we wouldn't be here!
I think all of us here dealing with WAW affairs and all that can only become advocates and educate our sons and daughters and be helpful with real advice to those having M problems. More than a year before the A I wanted to goto counseling my w refused. Now we have a bigger pile of **** to deal with. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm an idiot (my wife will tell you), so don't listen to me, but...
What's your goal?
1. Get whole forum to feel sorry for you?
2. Get wife to feel sorry for you and admit she's a heartless B*&^%?
3. Live life on your terms?
Took me a long time to get to number 3. But I'll tell you watching Michele Weiner Davis and her colleagues isn't gonna get you there.
1. Figure out what's worth fighting for?
2. When you do nice stuff for wife, do it anonymously, because you want to, not because of what it will get you.
3. Spend time figuring out what you want to do with this life...
the minute you stop waiting on her every reaction like a little puppy dog and start saying things like "I'm thinking of going to this crocheting seminar (or whatever) at the library, it's something I'm really passionate about." the world is going to become a very different place for you my friend. Good luck.
I feel your pain. My wife is just one big ball of resentment right now and can't be with me. I'm ready to get on with fixing our marriage and she's still trapped by her feelings. Hang in there. Glad to hear I am not alone on this.
I don't know if I subscribe to the belief that cheating is like a weak-a55ed suicide attempt that's really a cry for help. I mean seriously "You MADE me have sex repeatedly with other people while I lied to you and made you the fool. It's really your fault I'm such a mess. I need help. From you!"