newlywed2008

I've only been married a year and my husband does not seem as interested in sex as I am although he looks at porn every day. I have never had this issue before. I am in good shape and attractive (I think :-) but he says it is just a stress release and not causing any problems etc. etc. We are very close - pretty much best friends and I trust him with everything but this is just really hurting me.

A few weeks ago I was on his comp. and looked at his history b/c I couldn't find a site I had previously been on and...there are many! porn sites there from every single day M-F that he works from home. I don't think he does it all day but I'd say an hour a day anyway. I have talked/cried many times about feeling like he doesn't initiate or want me and he is very attentive and is very affectionate. he is great in every other way.

I even asked if he thought the porn was an issue but he gets angry and denies it. I asked him again last night and he was furious that I 'accused' him of watching it all day. How can a person be so angry at being 'accused' of something they are actually doing?

Anyway - he said he HAD changed since our last conversation and was not watching it every day. but he is. I was going to tell him I knew but...he got so angry and lied right off the bat. I just didn't say anything.

I have never had low self esteem before but it sure seems like he prefers these other women on-line over me. he never chats or anything like that but he is choosing to "be" with them and not me. It hurts. Especially since we are basically newlyweds. I am adventurous in the bedroom and have never turned him down so?? what do I do? I am actually fine with it once in a while but..every day?? I believe he sees this as a freedom issue but I want him to come to be for the most part to fulfill his desires - not the computer.

HELP! need a guys perspective

martino

I hope he has a ton of anti virus and spyware and adware protection! What kind of porn is it? seriously, I think that would tell me a lot. I read an article that the main reason married men watch porn is to fantasize about things the wife won't do. When I was MUCH YOUNGER I fell into that trap and that is the danger of porn. A happily married man might watch it as much as an unhappily married man. We're visual creatures, we jus cannot expect our wives to do those same things.

Amplexor

"Amp's Standard Rant on Porn"

I will get up on my soap box again and point out that is a perfect example of the effect porn can have on a marriage. NW2008,I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I used porn briefly as a “release” a couple of years ago and it definitely hurt my marriage. There where other issues also but the porn had an impact. For those of you out there who are engaged in using pornography, think about what it could do to your spouse’s feelings. If they have self confidence issues about their looks or weight, finding out will exacerbate them. It could leave them feeling unloved and undesired. Your spouse may also wonder what you are bringing to the bed with you when you are making love. Who or what you may have seen on line that you are thinking about when you make love to them. Put yourself in their place and how you’d feel if they did the same to you. I don’t know if I can classify the use of porn as “cheating” but it can definitely hurt your spouse and that is wrong in any form. If both spouses are OK with it or share it together, that’s fine. Consenting adults and all, BUT… I am not a prude or holy-roller by any stretch but I do believe that making love is supposed to be between two loving people in a committed relationship. Not something to be filmed for the almighty dollar and the entertainment of others. Porn hurts lots of people. The young man or woman at a college party that gets drunk and does something stupid while some perv videos it and sells it online for a hundred bucks. It will not doubt be an act they will regret for the rest of their lives. The porn industry uses people then tosses them aside like a used condom when they have served their purposes. It pollutes the minds of our young people and desensitizes them to what making love is all about. It sets unobtainable expectations for them in choosing a mate and partner. It exposes them to acts of violence, incest and rape and presents it as “normal”. It is a pollutant in our moral fiber and it is available 24X7 on virtually every device connected to the Internet. Some on this forum disagree with me that it isn’t just a trivial “release” for someone to engage in. That’s fine, we are all entitled to our opinions, but here is a classic example of how it can and has hurt a marriage. More importantly how is hurt someone’s spouse.



NW2008 this can get better for you but it will take time. Make sure he understands just how much this hurt you. Explain how you felt when you found out. He needs to understand your pain in order to make sure he doesn’t falter. You will need to regain trust and find forgiveness for him in order to move on in the relationship. If you can both do these things then things will improve and your marriage can be a wonderful thing again. Good luck to you both.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

martino

I couldn't disagree more. It all depends on the function of the porn. A lot of women watch porn as well. This is why I asked what kind of porn he is watching. There is some real disgusting porn out there and some of quality as well that does not degrade women.

newlywed2008

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. It is pretty 'normal' stuff. nothing too hardcore at all. It seems ot be mostly college age girls and guys - nothing rough or crazy. just sex.

I do think he is happy in our marriage and everything else but - I wonder if he sees me as his best friend/family and just not the person/place he goes to. When we have sex - it's good. but there must be something there he is not getting from me.

Amplexor

Everyone is welcome to their opinion and obviously I have core issues with porn at a moral level. I think it is wrong on numerous levels. I don’t state anywhere in my post that this is a male issue only. My point for this poster is that her husband is engaging in an activity that is hurting both her and her marriage. She never before questioned her self esteem and doesn’t understand why he seems to prefer porn over sex with her.

NW2008 continue to speak with your husband to make it clear this hurts you. A spouse should always be willing to listen and understand when something hurts their partner. They should be willing to stop that activity or try to work out a compromise they can both live with. This is not limited to porn, but can be found in any number of activities that hurt the marriage. Since your husband is reacting in an angry manner this is a difficult subject to broach. Have you tried writing him a letter explaining your feelings?

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

newlywed2008

I have tried but never send. I think I feel like it is my problem. but you have helped a lot. his anger makes it impossible. I think I will try to write him a letter and just explain. what do i do if he won't talk about it and own't go to counseling. I also just found out I am 2 months pregnant and so scared that this will only get worse!

Amplexor

This is not your problem. A problem in the marriage for sure but not your problem. You are justified in your concerns about the porn. Did you know about the porn before you married him or did it surface later? Dealing with a spouse that gets angry about a subject is always a difficult challenge and that’s why I suggest a letter. Carefully worded it can relay your pain to him and your wish for a gentle and open discussion about the issue. Set the tone and time for a discussion on porn but couch it as a meeting to help you better understand each other. Not a b-session about his use of porn. Worded correctly it can put him at ease and more willing for an open discussion.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

martino

I wouldn't take him to counseling over looking at porn. The counseling community would be over booked for years if every wife did. Also considering what he is looking at, that is just pure flesh viewing material. I'm not trying to minimize this because you know your hubby not me, i'm just saying my opinion. If he was into degrading stuff, or super fetish German stuff (disgusting) that's a lot different and a lot more hardcore and deviant.

If it is substituting your sex life that's another story. I would doubt that is likely the case though. No younger guy that I can guess would choose porn over the real thing, unless he wants way more than his wife is willing to do and is fantasizing about it.

Maybe you might think of some ways to spice up your routine with him? act/dress a little ****ty once in a while for him. I watched a show on tv and a wife said this: "we've been married 15 years, so when we play, i'm his mistress, not his wife" maybe he's a little bored? i'm not excusing him or blaming you, just giving you what you asked for...a guy's perspective. Good luck

newlywed2008

Martino - thanks for the honesty. we don't have sex often - if I don't initiate he will let 2 weeks go by. he is sweet and affectionate but that's it. he is only 37 and we've only been together 2 years (on year long-distance. most times if i put the idea in his head or initiate he is game but sometimes not. we average about once a week. i guess i just thought he would be hounding after me like every other one of my husbands friends. should i just drop it or try to talk?

newlywed2008

Amplexor - I kinda knew he looked sometimes. but no, not every day. we dated long-distance for a year before marriage (saw eachother every weekend) and his friend's kinda joked about it but we didn't live together before. He definitely knows something he is doing is wrong b/c he lied about it by saying he was not doing it every day - he said "not with you, not in our house". total lie. I wish he knew that the lying and anger are worse than anything. if he could jut talk to me and we could come to an agreement - so much better. I can be completely logical abotu it.

martino

Two weeks? that's an eternity for me...does he have any sexual dysfunction? low self esteem? on any meds?

newlywed2008

me too!! no dysfunction or low self esteem (i don't think). I think he may have some depression. he moved away from home and to my city (about 5 hours away) about 8 months ago and in the meantime his mom passed away (she was back home). they were very close. additionally, he could not find a job so is doing freelance from home while i am at work every day. he seems ok when i am around, happy etc. but maybe he is lonely or...?? i don't know. it seems insane to me that he can go so long w/o wanting me. I am honestly disappointed b/c - i know he has this sex drive for the internet...not me.

martino

I think you should try to talk and ask him what he wants to do and what turns him on. Women are never great at communicating things like this and they sure aren't about what they want. The want to be sleuthed. I think you need to turn up the heat, grab him in public so he has to wait to get home for the action.

newlywed2008

so you think that it is something missing with us? I did ask - we had just had sex and were happy and I asked pretty much that exact question. what would turn him on - is there anything we could add. he said he honestly couldn't think of anything. I said something about being ****ty and he said he might 'lose respect for me' or something.
but i can try again.