Conrad

Those who live by the gun.....

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"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

reachingshore

The sword, Conrad.. the SWORD

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If you must say yes, say it with an open heart. If you must say no, say it without fear. - Paulo Coelho

Blue Moon

I feel kinda like Superman died. Entertaining stuff though.
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MEM11363

Last night - I was able to perform.

This morning however:
- Hydraulic system required 15 minutes to activate. Fortunately once it came online it worked properly
- Orgasmic ignition system repeatedly failed to fire, ejaculatory release did not occur. After extended attempts to achieve ignition the effort was aborted and the system shut down

She however reached the rapture and was happy.

Conrad

In all seriousness, your good humor throughout this - not to mention your openness - reinforces your bonafides.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

reachingshore

When you talk about it in those terms I really have a difficulty resisting bursting with laughter because I immediately think of Houston

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If you must say yes, say it with an open heart. If you must say no, say it without fear. - Paulo Coelho

Affaircare

MEM~

I am stepping out on a limb here. First things first though, I believe you should know that we also have reached that age in life where occasionally the launch sequence will not fire thrusters. That is to say...there is ignition! There just is no (ahem) launch. Thus, we have a code: "Houston, we have a problem" And just so you know...it is funny but that is not a joke! That's actually our code for ... those little moments.

Now, here's the limb part. As a lady, I have to somewhat giggle with the other ladies on this thread at your wife's ingenuity. She is clearly your match, and I admire her already just because she is! But there is something here that seems to be escaping you or is at least not being mentioned. You tend to be a fella who is pretty "alpha in control" and she tends to sound like a lady who can be your fellow competitor...and for the most part the friction from that competition makes you two an excellent match. However, what has occurred here is that for the past couple/several days you have experienced the way that your lovely bride has felt probably for years.

Part of the problem is that YOU want to have Power Over her in your sex life, and she has now clearly demonstrated that she can have Power Over you in your sex life. All the weariness that you feel now for a few days...she has felt long term. All the concern that all she wants you for is your "launch capabilities"...she has felt long term. Your threats to go elsewhere if she won't meet your need was possibly (probably?) meant by you as an assertion of your boundary...and it was felt by her as a threat to get rid of her if she didn't "perform to par." Yet you have felt this for really a relatively short period of time and now you're thinking/hoping that "the test is over" or "okay...she got me...now let's go back to normal."

I think not.

The dynamic you have got to realize is that just around the time men begin to occasionally misfire on all thrusters, women suddenly discover hyperfuel. At our age of life, we know what pleases us (no longer young and naive) and the kids are growing/grown so we kick into what feels like overdrive. I know in my mid-forties it felt a lot like a "second honeymoon" stage, and this time it was 1000 times better because I know me better and have done enough to know that I like A and not B. Know what I mean?

Sooooo...I believe it may be time to have a chat with your wife, and the two of you (meaning her...but also YOU) take two cards off the table: Power Over and Threats. Power struggles have no place in a sex life. I agree that as a married couple, it is as ridiculous to say "I've decided to not have sex with you anymore" as it is to say "I've decided to not financially support you anymore" as it is to say "I've decided to stop being affectionate with you anymore." Part of the RESPONSIBILITY of marriage is meeting your spouse's need for sexual expression. BUT!!!!!!!! (big 'but' here) meeting that need to avoid a THREAT is not really meeting that need willingly and out of love. For a long time now, you basically said to her "...do this thing (that you should be doing out of love for me willingly) or I will do that one thing that is a foundational threat..." That is not a happy place from which to have sex!

This is why I suggest removing the Power Over and Threats. Talk instead about you not having Power Over her to force her to have sex she doesn't absolutely want...and her not having Power Over just removing the sex card. Talk about you not Threatening her security and her not Threatening yours. Because let's face it, part of the issue you're having now is "If the launch sequence does not get past countdown several days in a row...will she leave me for someone who can hit the launch schedule?"

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MEM11363

Blue,
Thats a howler

MEM11363

Conrad,
Thank you.

It was a long day yesterday. Driving home I am thinking - quick dinner, finish up a proposal that is almost done, race off to racquetball, back to house at 10:15 to 10:30. Shower and in bed at 11:15 or so. I know I will be worthless by then. So I call her from the car and try - diplomatically to get her to agree to waive her marital privilege. She puts me off with:
"lets talk about it later, but I think you are VASTLY underestimating your stamina."

Last night she says to me: Thanks for handling all these sales (we have a small construction company she runs) lately.

Sure thing I say smiling. (I have had a good run the last month)

And then she says this: "I know sales can be stressful at times", I look up suspiciously wondering where this is going. She says:
"I want you to know that when you win deals, we will make love to celebrate, and when you lose to console you. Win or lose, we will make love."

Very funny. Very freakin funny. Where does she come up with this stuff?

She says this while she is giving me a back/neck massage. I just mutter some mild imprecation under my breath. She adds "tonight though, since your neck hurts, you are tired and you have a history of being gracious when I ask for the night off, you may have the night off"

I look up entirely too hopeful, and she smiles and says in that soft reassuring voice the queen uses just before she gives Snow White the poison apple:
"I don't want you to think our new "routine" is over though. It isn't. No one could learn in a week what they steadfastly refused to acknowledge for 21 years.

And that is just how bad you feel when you are doing the absolute best you can to please your partner, and they manage to let you know it just isn't quite good enough. My original plan was for 18 months. Given how much fun it is, you can't possibly expect me to give it up after only a week."

I just nodded and asked what time she had set our wakeup alarm for. She told me 5 am and I just smiled. And this morning we were "all systems go" on both sides.

Affaircare

Just thought I'd send a clue your way. The way to take the wind out of her sails (if at all) is not going to be to try to "beg out of it." Exactly how did YOU like it when she tried to beg out of it? On one hand part of you may not have minded if she said "Not this moment dear but how about (in the morning....this evening)?" so that she wasn't putting it off endlessly but perhaps to give her some time to catch her breath...right? So you trying to "beg out of it" will likely go over as a wet washcloth!

I would say, if you really want to try to end this frequency, set your OWN alarm for 4:45am, splash your face, be ready as can be, and have some new toy or outfit or something with that "heh heh" devilish grin on your face. The midday one--YOU come home and tackle HER! Evening one, you can not WAIT for it--bring it on! Let's get this party started! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!

THEN after a couple days like that say: "Well...shall we talk about this now?"

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Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

Trenton

Purchase a Superman costume and go to bed in that. Yes, that would work very, very well!

MEM11363

AC,
I agree with this. To add some color - last year was a tough year for her all around. She seemed depressed a certain amount and she was certainly fatigued from running the business we own. I actually let her initiate most of our encounters during that time. If I had to guess we connected maybe 70 times give or take a little. The funny thing is the reason I didn't push it was I KNEW she wasn't feeling it. And I felt bad for her. And I knew with just a little pressure she would up the frequency but that just seemed wrong. And on all those nights we DIDN'T I tried to make sure she knew I was fine with it even though overall I was getting slowly more concerned that her desire for me was going, going - and soon to be gone.

The thing is - during the first 18 or 19 of our 21 years together I DID control our sex life which was not healthy. And control is the right word. So now - even the slightest bad behavior - provokes an outsize reaction.

As for talking. I think she thinks that the only means of communicating how this "feels" for her - is for me to "feel" it as opposed to hearing about it.

Therealbrighteyes

Screw the costume, just wear the red briefs and boots.

Affaircare

And so in your mind the solution to desire that is going..is to force more frequent sex? Force may be a harsher than what really occurred, but what I mean is that desire is linked to other things as well, and NO I do not mean "Do the dishes and we'll have more sex" I can honestly say I've never felt STEAMY desire for a man who just did the dishes!

Maybe rather than a conversation about sex what about a conversation about intimacy? There are plenty of physical ups and downs as a couple goes through life (babies, schedules, hormones, etc.) but the intimacy of DEEPLY knowing, deeply revealing, and deeply connecting with each other can really re-invigorate desire.

Just a thought--stab in the dark really.

Ah! Well that does shed a little more light. And I'll be honest...my guess is that by hearing about it, perhaps you comprehended it in your mind but did not communicate or demonstrate empathy. I will say that just by what you wrote it sounds like you had some "head knowledge" that it might feel "this way" or "that way" for her but didn't truly have understanding until began this judo maneuver and really brought that mirror right up in front of your face. Thus, it's educated but my guess is that she may have reason to believe that you have to "feel" it as opposed to hearing about it because when you heard about it, the actions you chose did not demonstrate understanding what it would feel like or empathy for what she was going through. If nothing else, you could increase the non-sexual intimacy by sharing with her what you've learned about yourself by going through this little exercise.

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Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

MEM11363

AC,
Thank you for taking the time to help me. Your points are as always well made. Lets start where you began, with desire.

Last year her lack of desire was at least half on me. At least. I was overall less helpful than I should be and that took a toll over time. I have fixed that piece.

The other part was me failing to do things that do create desire. There are a short list of specific activities that get her "lit up" in general and that makes her much more likely to feel desire. I am making sure we do a good mix of those - plus a random activity here and there for variety.

As for deeply knowing. We do - and that makes the strong bond that brings her to our bed with a loving and giving heart when she lacks desire. It does not however seem to generate desire. And that is ok. I do it because I like being in her head and am good with her being in mine.

Saturday - the "catalyst" - UGH. I was not sufficiently in her head enough to know she was very stressed about a work situation. So we finish racquetball and it is 10 pm. Hey it is saturday night. I just gave her 2 hours of racquet sex. Yes - that IS how I think of it. She physically gets the same anticipatory rush from playing rball I do from regular sex. But we get home and I am getting the "we can if you want" vibe.

And I didn't handle it nicely. Without being tiresomely detailed, I made some comments that conveyed my irritation. That was just plain wrong. There were only 2 right paths. Either ask her to play - she would have said yes. Or be nice about her lack of desire. Oh yeah - and ask her if she was ok. Because I would have found out what she was worried about - cash flow at work. Just coming out of the slow season. Work is ramping up fast. But she hates tight cash flow.

So she has made her intentions clear. She wants me to live the life of the "LD" partner for a while. As for trying to beat her at her game by upping my game. ROTFL. Think about it. She started off asking for 3 a days. Did so with a straight face. She knows I can't do 3 a days. I have told her that before when she temporarily went hypersexual. She got the flu within days of that burst of crazy lust she had - which saved my azz. When she recovered from the flu - the hypersexuality had vanished - thank God.

So if I try and up the ante she will just keep doubling down. Remember she has been "playing" (mostly but not always in fun) alpha dominance games with me for 21 years. She will see through this tactic faster than you can say "ha".

My W is capable of being mean. It doesn't happen very often but I recognize it when I see or experience it first hand. That does not seem to be her motivation here. Rather this feels very, very intentional. Don't get me wrong, she is having the time of her life mirroring my behavior back at me. But while she can't help but be entertained by my anxiety the goal itself is not "anxiety", that is purely a side benefit. She wants empathy. Sincere, genuine empathy.

She plans to ensure I am the LD spouse until I really truly get how it feels.

Right now I am feeling a bit of "self empathy". Or wait - is that just "self pity".