Death spiral

Ten_year_hubby · 03-11-2011, 08:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MEM11363

This has nothing to do with my other thread. Just curious about something.

I have read quite a few posts here by men whose sexual relationships have become very bad. I noticed that a fair number say that for a long time their W's have either:
- Refused to "kiss" them sexually and/or
- Tell them - lets hurry up, or lets hurry and get this over with

I am just curious, how common is that type behavior? I only ask because there is no way I would have been willing to continue a sexual relationship with my W had she done EITHER of those things. What I mean is that I would have forced a resolution. Either we get to the point where she WANTS me to kiss her and WANTS sex to be a nice, lengthy experience or we just don't have sex anymore.

BTW - the occasional quickie is fine. Female contribution to this post is welcome. I will however have a highly allergic reaction to anyone who says that maybe some of these women are too busy/too tired to spend 30 minutes to an hour having sex a few times a week. This isn't about fatigue. This is about:
- Not really liking the experience and wanting to make it quick as possible
- Wanting your partner to know you don't really like it or
- Wanting your partner to know you really don't care about how they feel

I read a lot of stuff about "sexually degrading" things that men do to their female partners. And as a man I cringe when I read them. That said I would consider it sexually degrading to ME, if my W were to do either of the things described above.

But hey - I also blame any male who tolerates this. Because it sure sounds like this is more of a "jerking off into your partner" than connecting with them type thing.

Interested in what others think.

Lots of guys have it worse than this. Everyone has their own calculus for what they are willing to/have to accept. I think you are describing emotional degradation rather than sexual. One can get over that pretty quick.

MEM11363 · 03-11-2011, 09:08 PM

The "Lots of guys have it worse" philosophy is the most popular refuge of men who have abdicated their role as "partner" and "parent". There is no way this type behavior is limited to the bedroom. And no way you can insulate your children from this very ugly interaction model.

Then again, "benchmarking" yourself against "lots of other guys" is far easier than actually demanding that your partner treat you as well as you treat them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ten_year_hubby

Lots of guys have it worse than this. Everyone has their own calculus for what they are willing to/have to accept. I think you are describing emotional degradation rather than sexual. One can get over that pretty quick.

Conrad · 03-11-2011, 11:08 PM

It's a loserish rationalization.

Lots of guys have it worse!

Who cares?

And, of what relevance is that?

Kobo · 03-12-2011, 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Orion

Thanks. It my be brilliant but it's tiring as hell sometimes. I remember someone telling me that a woman marries a man hoping to change him and a man marries a woman hoping that she doesn't change. I thought that was a cliche' until wedding bells rang for me and Mrs. Orion.

I told my wife the other day that if we were no longer married for what ever reason that I wouldn't marry again. She asked why. I said it wasn't until we were married that love making became an "all day" process.

MEM11363 · 03-12-2011, 03:16 PM

Actually this is what "I" propose:
- Let her know this causes you to feel unloved
- If you are "out of shape" get "in shape"
- Ask her "what" you can do differently to make her feel more desire, or teach you how to initiate sex and slowly get her in the mood when she starts out in neutral

If she is:
- Unwilling to explain her desire/turn off triggers AND
- Uninterested in working with you towards a mutually satisfying sex life
THEN
You start to destabilize the relationship. Because at that point you and your needs are not being shown respect and that simply is not a long term "workable" situation.

There is a point at which further "discussion", regardless how it is done, simply comes across as begging and THAT is a huge turn off for a woman.

My W likes and loves my "good" side, she "desires" my dark side. That is simply reality. I didn't create that reality, I do however accept it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by seeking sanity

That's exactly what is being proposed as a counter to a wife that is sexually passive/rejecting.

Runs like Dog · 03-12-2011, 03:56 PM

So much of this sounds like nothing more than getting accustomed to a pair of shoes which will never fit right. I will just return the shoes and get another pair if they can't fit, never will fit.

MEM11363 · 03-12-2011, 04:50 PM

Runs,
I thought you told us your wife had embedded a "monitoring" bracelet in your marriage license, such that if you attempted to 'return' her, she would call the police and have you arrested.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Runs like Dog

So much of this sounds like nothing more than getting accustomed to a pair of shoes which will never fit right. I will just return the shoes and get another pair if they can't fit, never will fit.

Runs like Dog · 03-12-2011, 05:57 PM

That's probably true, but everyone's case is different. I am dealing with what I in all sober truth believe is a psychopath. Sometimes you're stuck in a bad situation where there are few or no good options. I was speaking hypothetically.