vin1984

Dear Homemaker_Numero_Uno

You are the first person in this blog to advice me not to dump her, and I am glad there is someone who thinks like me. I agree my wife is rash, abrupt, childish kind of stupid but con no. I guess it takes some taking to be one. I am in a job that brings me across a lot of people who are really-really shrewd. Without disrespecting her intelligence I would like to say she has never ever done anything according to plan.

There are some mistakes I have done as well. Particularly like taking her out to four seasons for our first date, when she herself told me she has never been to an expensive place ever in her life. Gifting her 85K ring, this would certainly marred her thinking from taking a right kind of a decision. It was immature on my part to think a girl who is full of energy, charisma and youth would fall for an ugly guy never mind race and the five years age gap. I mean when you have plenty of handsome men eager for a second glance why would you choose a jerk like me.

When I met her she was barely able to make her ends meet. I was awestruck by her beauty (I am till today) the vibrant energy that flows with her. Maybe similarly she got lured by my lifestyle.

Yes her upbringing was not of the kind one would be proud of. Her father is an abusive man who still beats her mother even today. She left school at vey young age to start supporting her mother and herself.

As far as her cheating ways are concerned well I may offend some people but people here is America people absolutely love the concept of “one night stands” when you already married to someone else. Some of my white male friends have these casual flings going on all while they are married with kids. It hurts me a lot what she did but again you cannot change the past. While marrying her I was in a way kind of thinking from my pants she perhaps used her brain too much.

As far as love is concerned I know whatever she may say or not say she is attached to me. Initially she might have married me for money but that’s not the case today.

Since, yesterday she is been very quite (very unlike her), I saw her crying in the bathroom (she had no clue I knew it). She needs to learn some lesson so here is what I have planned for her.

• If I ever catch her cheating again she is going packing out of my life.
• We will catch up with a Marriage Counselor and may be a psychologist to put some good sense in her head.
• No alcohol or any such nasty stuff that accentuates her eccentric behavior.
• No kids for now, first you go back to school and complete your education.
• Last but not the least she has to start living a slightly modest life. She cannot treat people with disrespect.

As far saving my financial assets from her I don’t really care much. Even six years back in India I use to earn more then I could spend. After all I also need someone to burn my money 


What do you think do we have a realistic chance to bring in a change? As for people who want me to dump her honestly speaking I am too weak a man to do she is kind of indispensable to me.

reachingshore

Let me see..

Our first date was in The New Yorker Hotel (Manhattan). I had never before been to a hotel, unless you count some camping lodging.

I come from a NOW firm middle-middle class. However when I was a kid up until I was maybe 12, we were a somewhat lower-middle class. My husband comes from a very high end and very rich Indian family, he went to an Ivy league university for both undergrad and grad programs.

I don't know and honestly don't care how much the ring cost. The rock is quite big. I don't even wear it. It's kept in a box, for some special and very rare occasions. Not to mention two thick solid 22 karat Gold "shankha palas" (bangles that are traditional marriage symbols for Bengalis).

When I met him I just turned 19. He is 10 years older.

So honestly, it is entirely possible to be that young and coming from that background and having that age difference and that huge financial difference and coming from two different continents and still not screw it up.

I sent you a private message a few days back. You never responded. I don't know whether you had a chance to read it.

__________________
If you must say yes, say it with an open heart. If you must say no, say it without fear. - Paulo Coelho

827Aug

I will stick to my original assessment. You do not need this woman in your life. It has nothing to do with where she works or her economic background. It has everything to do with who SHE is and where her heart is. The only reason she appears to be remorseful currently is because she is afraid "life on easy street" is in jeopardy.



You have got to stop looking at yourself in this negative light. Otherwise you will continue to attract people like your wife. You really need to find ways to improve your self-esteem. Your wife is definitely not helping on this front.

A successful marriage needs so much more than beauty. There is nothing beautiful about this woman's spirit.


There's a good chance there. Here in this country she is referred to as a "gold digger". They are all over the place. Ask yourself this question, "If I were broke, would this woman hang around?"



No, most of us Americans do not love this concept. It is unacceptable behavior to most of us in a monogamous relationship. Besides it is down right dangerous. There are still diseases out there which are incurable.


Hmmmm....That's all I see--a gold digger.


No. She will straighten up for a little while because she is worried you will "dump" her. When things cool off, she will go back to her old ways. Only she will do a better job of hiding those things from you. Miracles do occur, but I don't see one happening with her.


How on earth is this woman indispensable to you? Unless....you enjoy suffering. You can do much better. You need to find some self confidence and gain strength. You can find a woman with a beautiful heart and soul. Physical beauty is nothing. It will fade, but a beautiful heart and soul will last for eternity.

I wish you happiness and self confidence.

vin1984

Well all of you want me to dump her. Fine, I may be able to bear the pain but has any one thought what would happen of her.

She would be on street without a Job. Where she will go, what she will eat. Secondly my parents taught me to help strangers in need she is my legally wedded wife. She has no great education finding a job for her would be tough. Lastly I know it would be tough but try and put yourself in her shoes irrespective of what she has done tomorrow, your husband dumps you. You have no friends and family in the city where will you go.

I hate this word dump it feels like I am not talking about my wife but some trash. I have not been the most Ideal son either left my parents for USA when they were old despite being the only son of my parents, Married a girl here against their wishes they haven’t dumped me.

MardiGrasMambo

Don't get semantic on here, man. You're not literally dumping her. You would be leaving her. She survived just fine until the day you met and all of us have a survival instinct. If she is as manipulative as she sounds, she'll just move on to someone else she can take advantage of. Don't be so naive.

But, since you feel like you can't live without her, there is the other alternative: putting up with whatever she puts you through.

PS. I would strongly advise you not have a child with this woman.

SaffronPower

Oh I didn't realize she was drunk when she spilled the beans. Yeah, I vote that she's a con artist and you need to get out quick and never look back.

MarriedWifeInLove

First of all - kudo's - if that's want you want to call them for her at least BEING HONEST WITH YOU.

She laid it all out for you - the good, the bad, and the ugly (not you).

No - you don't have to live like this unless it doesn't bother you that your wife married you for the money (there are a lot of famous people that it doesn't bother one bit). But if you want true love, companionship and a partner - then your wife isn't going to be the one to fill those needs.

There are MILLIONS, literally, of women that would find you a good catch, even without the money - this is what love is. Her version of love I could do without.

So no - this is not what marriage should be about. For her apparently, but you are intelligent enough to realize that you got the short end of the stick (and that's why you're here).

So...you love her. She apparently doesn't love you. Are you willing to "settle" for that - if so, then you've got your answer.

If not - then dump her and find a woman who will love and respect you for who you are, not the greenbacks in your wallet.

Good luck to you.

__________________
"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford

the guy

vin,
I'm glad you see the writing on the wall and that is a great move in talking to a lawyer...good job and smart!

She is so going to want you back and will try her best to turn you back in to a submissive husband that she once had. Do not allow that to happen, be strong in the belief that you are right and she is wrong. No matter what she tells you ... you are the rightous one and diserve happiness.

Your parents are happy and you see the way they treat each other right? Well then learn by there examble. you see how your mom treats your dad right? well are you going to get that from your wife?

I believe you will get some nice treat ment from her know but it won't be long before she is up to her old ways. See me being a drinker it is my experience that when I speak of such thing as she did it is how I really feel. So I believe she at one point truely felt this way about you b/c she is immature and doesn't realize what a hard working guy you are.

She doesn't see a stable and secure guy that would have taken care of her. In stead she is in this fantasy world. I think she likes it there. I think once she gets you back you will be getting belittled again and no one diserves that sh*t. Man up and own yourself take back your self respect and tell her to move on and that you are now better and stronger and if you want her back you will decide when to take her back... not her.

I see no reason to rush in and take her back. make her wait and if you see a change for the better then you can always start back up, but I would give it year. So please at least set a time line and seperate from her for now. I would bet that as soon as you split she will be with OM. this will show you her true colors.

Granted you guys seperate and she become a better person well then you can readdress the relationship, but for know you need distance from her. This time away will give you a chance to rebuild your confidence that she has taken away from you.

So I hope you get my point? Let her wait it out and see what she does. Some time we have to let the ones we love free so we stop getting hurt by them.

troy

After a night of drinking and partying, people will promise anything to make things good again. But these are all empty promises. In a few days, its back to business as usual.

Cheating is the worst form of betrayal in a marriage. It is very difficult to truly get over this hurt for most.

Definately no children. This is a trap women use to keep a man. Once you have a child with her you are screwed.

You have a "fixer Upper" and this makes for a lifelong effort of frustration to build a happy marriage. Don't wait for the prime of your life to pass waiting for her to turn into the loving wife you crave; if that ever happens.

My advice?

Dump the B***h and move back to India. India is booming, and with your education and work experience you will find good work in no time.

Find someone that's like minded, share common interests, same religion, culture, diet, background, vision of the future, etc.

Learn about relationships and marriage. We are not born with this knowledge and most of us learn as we go - the hard way - and end up with a broken heart. This is a great site to start you marriage education. Marriage education is not a one time thing, its a lifelong educational journey.

Do this and you will have a happy marriage one day.

frootloop

I'm sure Safeway is probably still hiring.

I'd suggest getting rid of her, and quick. I married a similar con-artist, and I will likely be taken for a pile of money as a result. Wouldn't that money have been better spent on a *real* wife who loves you, perhaps one not as pretty but that actually cares about you.

This woman doesn't deserve it, she is trash.

anx

People do change and it is possible. I changed. Be clear that she needs to get into MC with you and work things out. If she is unwilling to do that and work hard, then leave her.

Where you are at is 100% not ok. She really needs to decide between fixing whats wrong (both of you, you probably have some issues too) and losing you.

the guy

I to believe in second chances, but I sure had to work for them, and so has my W. We both put in the effort and we both saw the changes and noticed that the other one was doing, so we excepted each other back and forgave the others misgivings.

I just think that vin should give it some time and see if she is willing to take the step like MC, IC, and just changing her attidude on life.

My gut tells me that if he makes it to easy for her to come back, she will emotionaly control him again and he will be back to square one in fighting off the pain.

It most likely took him awhile to get to a point to talk to lwayer and get to a point to acknowlodge and understand the unhealty marriage. If he takes a step back and submit to her will..his wife will have learned nothing from the consequences that tore up the marriage.

I think a little time will either bring her closer or push her away. If she wants to commit and has as much love as vin does for her she will take her licks and stuggle threw the seperation and be true to him and show him a changed women.
I just want to see her change her ways before vin decides in taking her back. If he lets her back now she aint gona change jack!

vin1984

Just thought to give you all an Update. Last Thursday night she came back home drunk and High on something that smelled horrible. I confronted her to which she started shouting and said she wanted to leave. I told her if she wants to leave then leave immediately. She left to no trace.

Its been four days I have no clue where is she is. Looks like she made is easy for me. But I don’t know why I am still not happy.

I thank you all for your continued support. Perhaps this is what future had in store for me.

827Aug

Glad she made it easy for you. However, I'm very sorry for the pain you are going through. It will get better for you.

vin1984

Lady with no offence towards you, but as I introspect these are the exact things that caused my downfall.

I spent a fortune to lure (yes, I would use the word lure) my immature wife into this relationship. My wardrobe bill for last two years would be far more them my wardrobe bill for 26 years put together when I was single.

I think I mentioned prior as well that I took my wife out for date at four seasons when she had never been to an expensive place ever before. I don’t want to talk about social status as I generally consider these talks infra-dig.

In all I agree I don’t have a great sense of humor (unless you discount the fact that life has taken funny take on me) but carrier wise I am stable and secure to least.

My experience (which I agree is limited to my wife or shall I call my ex-wife) tells me. I would have been far better served had I not tried to portray what I was not. Surely, if I take your advice I will find someone real quick (which people on this blog refer to as gold-digger). However, I would prefer to stay single all my life then to waste it on the whims and fancies of an “Object of Desire”.

Pardon my saying so your advice will create a lot of idiots like me hurt and single. People should acknowledge the fact that they have limitations and never try to conceal these shortcomings. If others can look through them great else stay single or end up in a relationship of convenience (never advisable).