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post #16 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-09-2011, 07:03 AM
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Re: Coping with wife talking to other men

i feel like there are more and more posts about facebook causing problems every day! to me it doesn't sound like you have the upper hand in the relationship...I would say talk about it but hold your ground with your feelings and what not, just don't get too worked up.
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post #17 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-09-2011, 08:07 AM
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Re: Coping with wife talking to other men

Women who are in love with men don't send pictures and make "small talk" with other men on facebook, PERIOD. They LOVE to bring up the "OMG YOURE CONTROLLING ME!!! arguement, but really they just want to have their cake and eat it too. You know how many women ive been involved with who had "small talk" conversations with men via the internet where it turned out to be more? EVERY ONE. Don't be naive, and don't listen to women on this.

How about this.. create a facebook account, put up some pictures, and then begin making small talk to every pretty girl who will respond to you. Talk about the weather, sports, whatever. See how she responds to that. I have had women in my past doing this so when I responded by adding women from my past as friends she flipped as if she hadn't been doing the EXACT same thing. In my experience, these young women of today's society continually have no concept of loyalty and this whole facebook/myspace phenomena is their perfect outlet for servicing their attention infatuation, and as soon as they get caught they immediately play their "woman get out of jail free card" (I didn't know, you're controlling, they're just friends, you're just jealous). Don't be naive, check it now, or it WILL expand into something more. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. This is her idea of a "warning shot". Openly being friendly with other men, throwing it in your face, and then not even bothering to deny it or stop it. Did she do it before marriage? NOPE didn't think so.

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post #18 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-09-2011, 12:06 PM
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Re: Coping with wife talking to other men

Originally Posted by NightEagle1981 View Post
I haven't seen any behavior like that since that happened. As I know I've spied enough and I haven't seen any behavior that would lead me to believe that she is cheating. It's just her making friends.
To her, it's just making friends. To the guys, they want to nail her. Every single one. Do you trust THEM?
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post #19 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-09-2011, 03:55 PM
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Re: Coping with wife talking to other men

Look on his other threads. It has long since taken a very ugly turn.
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post #20 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-10-2011, 02:50 AM
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Re: Coping with wife talking to other men

WOW, I hadn't seen his other threads! I guess thats why I don't care if I come off as "controlling". In my case non of these things were ever issues until FB. Lines needed to be drawn somewhere.
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post #21 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-10-2011, 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by NightEagle1981 View Post
Well I'm sure that I might get mixed feedback on this one but it's nice to see what others have to say. So how do I cope with the feelings that my wife has conversations with other men via email/facebook etc. I've noticed my wife talking to other men and I've also noticed it's just small talk, weather, how's it going? Etc. I know sometimes thats how it starts, but she has told me many times she has no attraction to them. Actually a funny comment she said made me laugh she said the only guy she'd ever cheat on me with is Derek Jeeter of NYY LOL. But anyways should I make my feeling's known that it makes me uncomfortable with her talking to this particular person? We've talked about it and she's sick of hearing the same thing because she's told me straight up there's nothing going on.
Tell her to ****in stop. You're her husband. If she tries to bull**** you, tell her to she can ****in leave if she wants.
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post #22 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-10-2011, 09:03 PM
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Re: Coping with wife talking to other men

If your wife is choosing to talk to this guy knowing that it is bothering you, that is a red flag. This is how my husband's two emotional affairs started. When these friendships are done in secret, that is a problem.

Also, why the hell is she trying to find male friends online? Having a male friend through work or your social circle is one thing, but going on line and developing random friendships with men is a huge red flag.

Also know that you are not causing your wife to have an affair (if she's having one). People who cheat do it because they don't feel good about themselves and they are trying to fill a void.
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post #23 of 46 (permalink) Old 08-12-2012, 09:45 AM
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Re: Coping with wife talking to other men

Originally Posted by alphaomega View Post
Affaircare from this site gave a good example of the difference between controlling behavior and standing up to your boundaries.

Controlling behavior: "you can't talk to these men anymore"

Standing up to your boundaries: "Look. You can talk to these men all you want. But if you continue to disregard my feelings and shrug them off as immature or irrelevant, then by all means keep doing what you are doing. In the meantime, if you do continue to disrespect my opinions or thoughts by your continued actions, then I should tell you that I will then have to decide myself whether or not I wish to remain in a relationship with someone that holds so little regard for my feelings."

Don't be scared to state your boundaries. If you are scared, your wife will see this as weakness, and will continue to lose respect for you. Loss of respect equals loss of love, and eventually leads to that "I love you but I'm not in love with you" talk she will will eventually give you.
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Yes this is post is spot on advice. She will lose all respect for you and then it is downhill from there. Don't tread lightly on this issue.

She is going to buck and scream and carry on but believe me, it will be worth it in the end.

I have been through similar circumstances. Before she started chatting to some guy friends online, she gave me a lot of respect and even cared about my movie selections and we were actually quite close. Then the chatting to her friends started and it became an almost nightly affair. They shared their feelings on movies and tv series and became really close. Needless to say, at that time she was starting to call me a loser, avoiding physical affection with me and the whole thing became such a mess that I went to a lawyer and got ready to get out. That was just 7 months into the marriage.

We have had numerous arguments over it and I have reached the point where I too have had to lay down the law. Right now she is overseas visiting her family. We talk every day on the computer and our relationship struggles on. I have grown apathetic to a certain degree. But there's a lot of fight in me.

I added one of her male friends that she cheated on me with (by going out to dinner with him behind my back). Sure enough, tonight she told me that he had told her about me chatting to him.

The whole thing is a sick joke. I figure I can't do anything while she is away. No way to control her chatting to these men. But when she gets back home in a couple of weeks time, it's a choice for her to make between me or the other men. And I am willing to fight to the death on this issue to get her to stop chatting up these two men. Because what she has done already is cause massive embarrassment to my family (my parents found out she went to dinner with this bloke) and she has caused enough hurt and resentment in me to really find it difficult to forgive her.

One half of me wishes that going forward in this marriage, things will improve, the other half already checked out.

Either way, I still love her so I am willing to challenge her to the point where she gives up these ridiculous fantasies or she loses me... I want us closer and more connected.

The thing is a woman will respect her husband if he fights for her. Sometimes that means setting the standards and raising the stakes. Then they will enjoy the happy connected bond.

If you don't do this, then she will get her needs met elsewhere and walk away from you. Women are driven by emotional needs. Simple as that.
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post #24 of 46 (permalink) Old 08-12-2012, 09:50 AM
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Originally Posted by NightEagle1981 View Post
I have never given my w any reason for an affair. We've had up's and down's like any relationship and Ive alway's trusted her. We had an issue before which we caught early (sending photo's) which I caught early and I believe I had let that issue go. She say's me alway's asking about her and the guys she's talking to pushes her away and that it's old that I keep bringing it up. I feel that we keep beating the dead horse. Our therapist said that making new guy friends or emailing etc right now is not a good idea. But I see she is doing it but I dont think she's lied about it when I ask. I think the more I bring it up and talk about it the more she gets mad because she say's that she's never done anything other than talking. Our relationship though has gotten a lot better. I think she knows that if I really wanted to pry that I can find out anyway's so I think she isn't hiding anything from me.
But she has done more than talking, you said she was sending pics before.

If you are uncomfortable with your wifes communication with other men draw a boundary.

Tell her you need her to stop the communication.

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post #25 of 46 (permalink) Old 08-12-2012, 10:00 AM
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Re: Coping with wife talking to other men

Zombie thread...

but i read this and i thought "this is gonna end bad", having a look at the other stuff he posted, i was right. Always the same script...

"You are jealous and controlling, just let me cheat at will already..."
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post #26 of 46 (permalink) Old 08-12-2012, 03:53 PM
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Re: Coping with wife talking to other men

I am into horse back riding. For a period of time this spring I was going trail riding on my old mount, doing some walking / rehab riding for an injury he was dealing with. So in short the rides were very boring, as it was like an hour of walking several days a week.

For some weeks in a row I ran into the same man with his horse and they were kind of on the same program and schedule as me, so we rode together. I came home one weekend and told my DH about him and said I had considered exchanging contact information this man so we could continue the rides and plan them instead of just the chance meetings.

I wasn't very surprised when DH shook his head and said 'that's how things get started ... <trailed off>' and just left it there.

I changed my riding schedule after that and haven't seen the man since. DH is right I don't need male riding partners - I have plenty of female riding partners as well as my own children who can ride with me. Why introduce a man I don't know into my life? Bad idea.
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post #27 of 46 (permalink) Old 08-12-2012, 03:59 PM
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Re: Coping with wife talking to other men

sorry I had no idea this was an old, dead thread. based on newer threads the OP has started seems like letting the wife talk to men wasn't a good plan for them, either.

my DH looks smarter and smarter to me all the time. I didn't realize how naive I was until I found TAM.
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post #28 of 46 (permalink) Old 09-29-2012, 07:46 PM
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Re: Coping with wife talking to other men

I am in this same situation right now. I got the we are just friends answer.
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post #29 of 46 (permalink) Old 09-30-2012, 10:07 PM
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Re: Coping with wife talking to other men

Originally Posted by ManDup View Post
To her, it's just making friends. To the guys, they want to nail her. Every single one. Do you trust THEM?
I've told this to my wife many times. She seems to make male friends much , much easier than female friends. If anything females often despise her or maybe even be envious of her !?

The Mrs thinks its all friendship and being buddies but in reality these guys are just looking to get into her undies. I , thank goodness am secure and do trust my wife but not the guys
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post #30 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-20-2012, 06:51 PM
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Re: Coping with wife talking to other men

Hi everyone!

This topic is of particular interest to me as my last relationship was with a girl of this kind.

I agree with what most people are saying here that is not fair that us men should put up with kind of behavior from wife/girlfriend. I dumped my girlfriend of 2months because she completely ignored me on several occasions and talked to other guys. During the last 2 weeks she would be randomly mad at me and call me loser or things in this line. Id wait out for her to calm down and later id ask her what got her mad and id only recieve vague answers such as the weather is too hot makes her moody, i don't wash dishes or take out the trash anymore like i used to etc. I figured i don't want to give myself headache thinking if shes cheating on me or not when meeting other guys because even if its not happening it will sometime in the future.

I also think that dumping these women is the best thing to do because the way i see it its very hard for them to change:

If you allow her to have her way you run the risk of being cheated on and if you assert yourself you are called controlling, insecure and whatnot. Definitely a lose-lose.

This was 3 months back. I had some very good times with the girl (when we were only the two of us of course). I do feel lonely at times and think of what good times we had together but i still belive i did the right thing and spared myself from a world of pain.

If i could give a little piece of advice it will be: By the time someone asks this kind of question is already too late and things are already going downhill so cut your losses and bail out!
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