putting your foot down
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Old 03-11-2011, 07:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default putting your foot down

I would like my wife to stop doing certain things. Noticeabley I have seen my wife falling into the wrong crowd. Her Co worker lives about an hour from us and drinks all the time. She is always telling my wife to come over. I don't mind once and a while but she's now talking about making this a bi-weekly thing. This weekend is my wife's birthday and I had plans tonight and she asked if she could go.to her Co workers house but agreed to call when she got there and when she leaves and home by midnight. For me its taking time from our marriage and family. I want my wife to grow up and stop making these decisions to get drunk with friends. This is week 2 where I manned up and am the responsible one staying home with the baby while she's off. I told her last night I wanted to go and it was almost possible till today when she said it was only girls. I'm almost fed up with this behavior but believe in other areas were doing better. I just want this behavior to stop. I don't think I can deal with this every 2 weeks.
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Old 03-12-2011, 10:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I understand where you are coming from. My W friends are heavy drinkers. My W has never been that type however the more she talks of the friends the more she talks about boozing it up.

Now i do not mind once in a while, not at all. However there is a limit. ESPECIALLY when your married. Your W needs to realize that friends are great however if an act is made that makes one of both parties uncomfortable a compromise is needed. Point being, Talk to her. Calmly but sternly. Reach a medium.
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Old 03-12-2011, 11:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
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My W did this crap 14 years ago and continued until Feb'10. Its bull sh*t and will lead to no good. So after some 20 lovers I had enough.

I suggest you take control and warn her of the consequences. Trust me, stop tolorating it. She will fight and blame you for being controlling, and it is, but they are putting them selve in harms way.... (for lack of a better term) they just don't know it.

See I trusted my W and didn't want to be controlling and the hole married young with kids thing, I felt it was ok for her to go out.

It wasn't...it wasn't at all. See, resentment is building with you right know. this resentment will manifiest into a distance between you and the missus and she will feel neglected. then BAMB "I didn't mean it to happen" or "it only happened once".

As you can't control your wife you can control what you will tolorate, and informing your spouse that you will no longer be married and will move on if she doesn't make the right dicisions in the marraige. Stop being afraid and confront this issue with confidence that it will lead to no good and better to be an a@@ now, then listen to your W say she found someone else.

She will get pissed, but let her know that you are in no way tring to control her and she can go out with her "friend" and it is her choice. You respect that and that your choice is to move on with someone that wants more time with you and respect me enough to always invite me along or go out with me. Inform her that you respect her friends but you are looking for something different in a marriage. This will give the illusion of not being controlling and that it is her dicision and hers alone in how she wants the marraige to go.

I wish I would have but my foot down so many years ago and I didn't, it was the things Iv'e read here at TAM that I wish I had back then, in helping me work on a marraige.

I have been there, I wish I would have done that! In stead my leaniencey left me with a cheating wife, and in all confidence I believe you situation is heading down the same road.

Come on on her birthday, really?
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Old 03-12-2011, 11:42 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I think if people want to go out and get drunk all the time, they should stay single.

I know if I went out and got drunk it would make my fiance uncomfortable, so I don't do it. I still see my friends, I just have dinner or something like that and I prefer to be with my fiance.
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Old 03-13-2011, 04:04 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Where do they drink? At someone's house watching movies and talking or are they prowling the meat markets?
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Old 03-13-2011, 04:21 PM   #6 (permalink)
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She's shoppin' and boppin'!
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Old 03-14-2011, 04:19 PM   #7 (permalink)
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They go to her Co workers house. Its girl time. I have told her that that path only leads to trouble. I don't mind once and a while but she wants to make it a bi weekly thing on Fridays. For.me that's a no go. Once a month is OK. I think maybe she needs to learn the hard way. I like her Co worker don't get me wrong but my w should have priority in mind. She says that some time away for a while is healthy for us both and I as well should have Guy time.
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Old 03-15-2011, 07:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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THE GUY---PLEASE RESPOND


-Married for a long time. Seems all we fight about lately is when we are going to the bar and how often we go. My husband would go everyday he says if it was up to him.
WE ONLY GO TO THE BAR TOGETHER.
But he has told me he wants to go 2 times a week with me, whether I want to or not and to take it or leave it. You might say, well let him go by himslf, but that doesnt work for us.

Back about a year ago we would visit a bar from time to time and that was no problem.

I do not want to put up with this, but not sure what to do besides us seperating.
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Old 03-15-2011, 07:30 AM   #9 (permalink)
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her co-worker is stupid for enticing her like this, where is her conscience? this would not be tolerated in my house by either my wife or me, just not an activity that displays committment. going out with friends occasionally is great (i go fishing about twice a year) but this just screams immaturity.
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Old 03-15-2011, 07:39 AM   #10 (permalink)
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okeydokie-
-Married for a long time. Seems all we fight about lately is when we are going to the bar and how often we go. My husband would go everyday he says if it was up to him.
WE ONLY GO TO THE BAR TOGETHER.
But he has told me he wants to go 2 times a week with me, whether I want to or not and to take it or leave it. You might say, well let him go by himslf, but that doesnt work for us.

Back about a year ago we would visit a bar from time to time and that was no problem.

I do not want to put up with this, but not sure what to do besides us seperating.
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Old 03-15-2011, 07:56 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HEART1970 View Post
okeydokie-
-Married for a long time. Seems all we fight about lately is when we are going to the bar and how often we go. My husband would go everyday he says if it was up to him.
WE ONLY GO TO THE BAR TOGETHER.
But he has told me he wants to go 2 times a week with me, whether I want to or not and to take it or leave it. You might say, well let him go by himslf, but that doesnt work for us.

Back about a year ago we would visit a bar from time to time and that was no problem.

I do not want to put up with this, but not sure what to do besides us seperating.
heart, i have seen this post in about 3 different places. your arguing with your husband about when to go to a bar for cripes sake. whats the point? you shouldnt hijack this mans post for this.
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Old 03-15-2011, 08:01 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: putting your foot down

once a month is plenty reasonable...she might act like a teenager for awhile...and sulk...but stick to your guns and tell her that you're comfortable with no more then once a month....especially since you're not "allowed" to go..totally reasonable request
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Old 03-15-2011, 09:00 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I talked to the w yesterday and told her how I felt. She's not opposed to me going sometime but when it's just the girls they would feel uncomfortable with me being the only dude there. I think in my eyes bi weekly is too much but maybe she's just acting out because her ex only let her go out once a year. She said that we do need "US" time. As I said there should be compromises with this because at the end of the night I don't think she needs to be getting drunk and spending the night at a friends house. I've told her too that I may pop up sometime as well and she never said anything about it. Maybe I'm just making a huge deal about nothing. I don't think we need to spend 100% of our time together because I think that would be unhealthy and she has said I've separated myself from my guy friends. Is it controlling by telling her I don't want her going? She's going to do what she wants despite what I say because she has said she is her own person. Could this be a phase that she will grow out of?
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Old 03-15-2011, 11:57 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: putting your foot down

Maybe you guys can come to a compromise. A little girl time is healthy, but maybe you can tell her that she should be coming home and not spending the night as often. Either way, be sure you speak your mind with intent, and don't just become that nagging voice she hears whenever she wants to go out. Say what you mean and mean what you say, and if this is a battle you feel strongly about, don't wait for her to grow out of it, speak your mind.

One of my more recent blog posts was about being afraid to speak your mind because you're afraid of conflict. You never want to just sit on something for the sake of keeping the peace if it's something you feel strongly about. Sometimes you have to put your foot down to get your respect or bring things back into balance.

And with all that said, I'm not saying your wife is some crazy woman that you have to put in check. I'm just saying if you feel strongly about it, you should speak on it.
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Old 03-16-2011, 12:59 AM   #15 (permalink)
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The bi-weekly doesn't seem like too often for your wife to be going out unless there are other nights out as well. My wife will go out to dinner, to a movie, or shopping with friends that much. I'm out of the house 1-2 nights a week for hobbies, so my wife gets her time away as well.

Any overnights would be a bit much. If she's getting to drunk to drive then other bad decisions are just as likely.

The bigger issue is where she is and what she is doing. If it's really just girl time, then that doesn't seem too bad if the friend is not a bad influence. If they are going out when they get there, having others over, having men around, then it is not ok.

Since I see you've had several threads with similar issues let me share a story. Some close friends were in your shoes a year or two back and it did not end well for them.

The W started going out with girlfriends to bars 1-2 evenings a week. Then it turned into more often, sometimes 4-5 nights a week. Then some nights she would not come home until morning. Then there were weekend shopping trips.

Her husband hated it, but the more he objected the more she went out. He finally started to put his foot down when he found match.com still logged in. By then it was way too late and she wasn't going back to a marriage with rules.

Your wife needs some space, but I think "the guy" is right. You need to control yourself and set your boundaries. If she walks over your simple boundaries, the others will be broken as well.
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