Over the past three years I've spent a good deal of time looking back to figure out my past marriage. I want to know that I understand what was "right" and what was wrong.
I've also read a lot about relationships including dating to both prep myself for re-entering the dating world and to help figure out how to avoid the mistakes of the past.
If you research dating at all, you'll see talk about "kino" at some point ("kino escalation" or "kino ladder" are 2 things to search for if you don't have a good grasp). As I read about kino, I realized that this type of touching was the reason that sex was never an issue with us. I touched her all the time in non-sexual ways - her hands, knee/legs, back, shoulders, neck, hair and face. It's just part of who I am.
I never had to ask for sex. We had plenty of other issues, but unlike many of you, the frequency of sex never slowed for any significant period.
Compare these two scenarios to see why touch is so important to a woman being "in the mood."
1. A husband misses sex with his W. He tries harder to please her by cleaning, cooking, chores, flowers, saying ILY, etc.
She wonders what he wants from her - why else would he be doing all of this out-of-character stuff?
Later that night he asks for sex. Now she understands what he wants and thinks, "how pathetic."
2. A husband walks in from work and touches his W's hand. As she's cooking, he puts his hand on the small of her back and talks for a bit. Sometime during the evening he brushes a bit of stray hair out of her face. As she's watching tv, he sits beside her and lightly squeezes her knee. Later when she's brushing her teeth he nuzzles her neck and runs his hand through her hair.
Consciously, these things tell his W that he wants to be close to her. Subconsciously they tell her that he is close to her. They are also telling her that he wants her.
Later, when he pulls her close and kisses her, it's congrous with what he's been doing all night. So is foreplay and sex.
This touching isn't groping nor is it even suggestive. It's just natural light contact. Eventually it will become part of your "normal" interaction and it will make all physical interaction feel right and normal again.
-ooe
Just a side note on kino. Think back to your last encounter with a close talker. It was pretty uncomfortable, right? Moving to sex without demonstrating closeness through touch is the same thing. Posted via Mobile Device
Amazing post. Thank you! My approach has been all wrong. It used to be #1. My wife could see me coming from a mile away and sometimes would unemotionally shoot me down before I could even begin my approach and it felt absolutely humiliating! My wife is a very tough one to approach. She's a busy body and very type A. It almost wouldn't shock me if throughout the day of casual touches she tells me, "Stop touching me." That pisses me off too... I know my natural reaction would be to simply walk away annoyed as hell. And yet sometimes I feel that to casually blow it off and playfully say something like, "No need to be upset sweetie," would be wuss mode (and she'd probably then have to reiterate that my constant touching her is annoying, which would then completely blow all future approaches too). I guess for me I'll have to tread lightly and build up. Overdoing it from the beginning might spell doomsday.
This is very good. I love it when my SO touches me, he usually holds my hand, and helps me with my coat, gives me lots of kisses (when we are not having sex), he does physically touch me most of the time we are near each other.
However I also like full on sexual contact at random times without having sex (some women might not like it), for instance if he grabbed my ass or ran his hand up my leg and I love it if he messages me with something dirty or says something really dirty throughout the day. This all sets me up to be super horny and want to have sex with him a lot.
I think you perfectly described exactly how to build withstanding intimacy in the relationship that will lead to a happier, more fulfilled sex life for both the man and woman. I really do!
When reading your post I thought...this is EXACTLY the reason my husband and I, despite major arguments and issues, always maintained a healthy sex life. It's the daily care and keeping of each other's physical connection.
Right now it is not really there in our relationship and I have been wondering why and in reading your post I realized that we have stopped all physical touch and are completely distancing ourselves from one another both physically and emotionally right now.
Interesting, very interesting. I think that would be great reading for a lot of guys who post on here.
For me personally, the doing things around the house is essential- but then I'm starting from a point of having a good sex life, but also that the work IN the home he is doing is his fair share. If he were to step it up and do more just because, I would appreciate it but it would also make me feel like he felt I wasn't doing my job properly- and I might feel like he was doing it as foreplay, and acts of service isn't my love language or my idea of foreplay!
If he were doing more because he could see I was snowed under with the kids, then I would feel loved and appreciated for the work I DO do.
The explanation of that second scenario is brilliant and makes a lot of sense.
If the H doesn't also display a good mix of alpha and beta (helping around the house) actions there will be problems. But maintaining touch will help make sure sexual frustration isn't one of the problems.
And over time, this type of touching will make it natural to mix in a little more overt playful touching throughout the day.
BTW, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that doing this type of light touching in public is alpha. Posted via Mobile Device
If the H doesn't also display a good mix of alpha and beta (helping around the house) actions there will be problems. But maintaining touch will help make sure sexual frustration isn't one of the problems.
And over time, this type of touching will make it natural to mix in a little more overt playful touching throughout the day.
BTW, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that doing this type of light touching in public is alpha. Posted via Mobile Device
I also agree that a good man will do what is fair around the house and make an effort so you don't end up feeling like a slave when it comes to housework, cooking etc.
I like that my SO is not afraid to be affectionate in public. he hugs me, kisses me when he opens the car door for me, and holds my hand. Very attractive qualities in a man.
One of my earliest girlfriends helped me to learn the importance of meaningful touches. She was a much older biker woman from the club where my step father and mother hung out, but was a very pasionate woman, yet hurt by life.
My wife loves meaningful touches, like the nearly innocent touches, and I've learned her sensitive non-sexual areas. But there is a progessive side to this that really appeals to her. But, in my opinion, sex can't be the obvious goal. Connecting and making her feel loved have to be. She told our marriage counselor that the top thing that gets her in the mood is that I memorize her, and use it deliberately. For instance, touching a sensitive place on her neck to get her to turn my way. Of course, every person is different.
WOW If only you could out compete the man up stuff. This is so on target. The alphabet stuff is fine, girly men are not sexually attractive. But being alpha and at the same time emotionally distant, non- communicative, and dismissive of a woman's need for clear and consistent non-sexual touch and attention will not get a manly man laid any more often. Posted via Mobile Device
A husband walks in from work and touches his W's hand. As she's cooking, he puts his hand on the small of her back and talks for a bit. Sometime during the evening he brushes a bit of stray hair out of her face. As she's watching tv, he sits beside her and lightly squeezes her knee. Later when she's brushing her teeth he nuzzles her neck and runs his hand through her hair.
Consciously, these things tell his W that he wants to be close to her. Subconsciously they tell her that he is close to her. They are also telling her that he wants her.
Later, when he pulls her close and kisses her, it's congrous with what he's been doing all night. So is foreplay and sex.
This touching isn't groping nor is it even suggestive. It's just natural light contact. Eventually it will become part of your "normal" interaction and it will make all physical interaction feel right and normal again.
I am happy to say me & husband LIVE this every single day- now, even a little more seductive touching for us though (ha ha ) it is forplay from the time he wakes up till we lay our heads to sleep. He reaches to hold me in the middle of the night too.
At one time though, my mind was racing many places , too BUSY to slow down, not smelling the roses of affectionate touch as much as I should have been. I do recall pushing him away at times. He got the most when we watched our movies at night, always running his fingers though my hair- this has never changed, now my hands are much more roaming as well. Our biggest mistake was allowing our babies to sleep in bed with us! Live & learn.
WOW If only you could out compete the man up stuff. This is so on target. The alphabet stuff is fine, girly men are not sexually attractive. But being alpha and at the same time emotionally distant, non- communicative, and dismissive of a woman's need for clear and consistent non-sexual touch and attention will not get a manly man laid any more often. Posted via Mobile Device
This post makes no sense to me.
"Out compete"?
The only thing manning up involves is when this sort of thing is rejected - in the way SA describes - you know what to do about it.
Rather than get needy and whiny, you stay strong and wait.
WOW! I have been contemplating my failed marriage and thinking I don't have what it takes to ever try this "delicate dance" again. It's a lot of hard work...... the intricacies and complexities of doing the right thing, in the right way, at the right time, with the right attitude, is overwhelming to me. I'm talking about everything, not just touch/intimacy. Been thinking that depending on ME may be essential, and enough. But I am off topic. Touch.........As strange as this may sound, I have been hugging, kissing, and touching my husband during our separation. We have not been intimate in over 7 years! He has obliged, and said everybody needs "human touch." I always reference a line in a movie with Jessica Lange when she began a "hot and heavy" scene with a man in the backseat of a car, and exclaimed, "I was starving and didn't even know it." I DO believe in touch not only as a prelude to sex/intimacy but as "water for life." Years ago, babies in other countries who were in orphanages were said to have perished from lack of human touch. Makes one think. Thanks for the depth and insight you all have. The level of everyone's "awareness and self reflection" is blowing me away on this forum. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could all meet some day!
WOW If only you could out compete the man up stuff. This is so on target. The alphabet stuff is fine, girly men are not sexually attractive. But being alpha and at the same time emotionally distant, non- communicative, and dismissive of a woman's need for clear and consistent non-sexual touch and attention will not get a manly man laid any more often. Posted via Mobile Device
Maybe I'm simple, but I'm not sure that I understand this. It seems to imply that one could equate being a real alpha with be being emotionally distant. Isn't being a true alpha ultimately about getting into the head of the other people to make them want to follow? Overpowering, but only through others intentional following? It's not necessarily manipulation as much as realizing that you have to meet another person's needs to get to the end game. Most of the self-descibed alpha's who don't make connecting with people their top priority just turn out bitter and alone.
Non-sexual touching is CRITICAL 
. I love it when my SO touches me, he usually holds my hand, and helps me with my coat, gives me lots of kisses (when we are not having sex), he does physically touch me most of the time we are near each other. 
He got the most when we watched our movies at night, always running his fingers though my hair- this has never changed, now my hands are much more roaming as well. Our biggest mistake was allowing our babies to sleep in bed with us! Live & learn.
