Tobio, it's possible what he's saying is the truth but it does speak to the fact that he is able to continue with his life freely and enjoy the attraction of another woman to him, overstep boundaries of your relationship further and not give you what you deserve as his wife and mother of his children.
If he doesn't complain about the end of the fb friendship and deletion of the phone number and recommits to your relationship and starts to hear you needs and wants, I think good on him and he deserves chances to get this right.
I wouldn't let this current distraction allow you to stop demanding what it is you need from the relationship. No matter how you toss it, you still deserve better from him and I'm sure he's capable of it.
Tobio, it's possible what he's saying is the truth but it does speak to the fact that he is able to continue with his life freely and enjoy the attraction of another woman to him, overstep boundaries of your relationship further and not give you what you deserve as his wife and mother of his children.
If he doesn't complain about the end of the fb friendship and deletion of the phone number and recommits to your relationship and starts to hear you needs and wants, I think good on him and he deserves chances to get this right.
I wouldn't let this current distraction allow you to stop demanding what it is you need from the relationship. No matter how you toss it, you still deserve better from him and I'm sure he's capable of it.
As of right now, the situation is that he's staying at his mums. For how long? However long it takes me to make a decision over what I want to happen. He is coming round after work to help with the kids but after that he will return to his mums. He certainly isn't getting any home comforts (of ANY kind!), no dinner, no laundry, no sleeping here. If he wants to see the kids he can come here.
I cannot make a decision now because my feelings are swinging madly from one extreme to the other. Earlier I was thinking I could think about him coming back IF he shows me he is genuinely remorseful, shows some insight into why he didn't have the foresight to not put himself in such a situation, and shows willingness to work on things, of his own initiative AND being willing to go to counselling together. Right now, I'm wanting to shake him and ask him what the hell he thought he was doing and was the ego trip worth all of this, and tell him I can't ever trust him again. I just don't feel like I'm in a place yet where I can see clearly a way forward.
What concerns me is that IMO he should be doing anything and everything to prove to me how important this is to him and that I can trust him again. He consented to complete openness and honesty regarding any kind of contact which is good. However, the only "personal" thing he has done is buy me ice cream- it's a little thing he does since the baby was born and I get glued to the sofa in the evening feeding the baby. He has asked a few times what he should be doing, I could give him some ideas but I want it to come from the heart. Although I did say a phone call when he's on his break from work would be a good start so I shall see if that materialises.
The other thing is that my self-esteem has taken a real hit. I look in the mirror and I feel really ugly. I've always thought I'm not that bad on the eye and been told so, made an effort, but I see myself now and think, I wonder if he thinks she's prettier than me, I know she works out a lot and, you know, I'm have a good figure but I don't work out yet (been waiting until baby isn't breastfeeding 100%) and I do have a bit of a baby belly. It is killing me to think he might find her more attractive- the photo that was on her FB was very revealing. I feel like I can't compete with that right now.
So now I am wondering if he is harbouring any feelings for this girl. I am TOTALLY in overanalysis mode. I keep thinking of all the details, I wonder where he is working today, if he's at the site where she is, if he is, then if he's seen her, spoken to her...
He hasn't called, he texted earlier in response to a text I sent about some money stuff I needed to know, but his reply said he would come round after work to drop off what I needed. No "how are you?" or anything else. I guess I'm wondering what he's going to do to show he is making an effort.
i just dont trust this situation at all.
he let too much happen after the 'accident' instead of taking care of it right away...on his own.
i have my own saying...
if my SO cant make up their mind about how they feel about me, i will make it up for them. adios.
So now I am wondering if he is harbouring any feelings for this girl. I am TOTALLY in overanalysis mode. I keep thinking of all the details, I wonder where he is working today, if he's at the site where she is, if he is, then if he's seen her, spoken to her...
He hasn't called, he texted earlier in response to a text I sent about some money stuff I needed to know, but his reply said he would come round after work to drop off what I needed. No "how are you?" or anything else. I guess I'm wondering what he's going to do to show he is making an effort.
What is his attitude? Is is asking you to come home does he seem to be upset about leaving the home? if the arrangement seem to not bother him, it may be an indication of how he feels about the relationship. If he is too complacent it is because he is sure that he will not lose you. You need to change that perception.
ASAP, change you. You just had the baby but it is never too early to start. Get a brest pump so you can hget out for an hr and the baby can still get breast milk. Begin going to the gym and start taking one evening a week to go out. Even if you drive around in your car, go out. Get yourself ready to date again, at lest act that way. Doing that will increase your self-esteem and worry him. Make it your goal to get into a pair of skinny jeans and f**K me shoes by June 1st.
Right now he is living at his moms, she is doing for him all of the domestic things that you were doing. He deals with the kids less and the day to day operations of the home less, What not to like.
I think this should not be a vacation for him and a burden to you. Get him to come in the AM early to get the oldest child up and dressed and fed and then go to work. Give him task like shopping cleaning anything to take the burden from you. Don't make this like a vacation for him.
What positive concreted steps are you both making to see if this is going to work or not? Are you planning on therapy, what? This is not a time to float, have a plan. How do you know he is not still contacting her? Have you told him exactly what he needs to do to get back in the home? Has he done these?
You need to up the pressure, get him to work and get yourself some relief. What is the attitude of his family? Have they called you? Do his parents want to see their grands. What about your family? Who are your support people?
Ok, here is what is happening... Bear with me whilst I explain.
We did some heavy talking. He said a lot of things, then mostly said the opposite at some point. It has gone from me deciding if I want him back to him not knowing if he wants to be here in the first place.
It seems that the girl "incident" was a symptom of our problems, not THE problem if that makes sense. However, I think his thoughts are clouded by the feelings he has/had for her; I don't believe it WAS anything more, but I strongly feel he is having some kind of "withdrawal" from not seeing her every day and the feelings that go with meeting someone you like.
He went from basically saying it was over and he wanted to move out, to almost breaking down when I got upset, saying he just wanted to be happy, he just didn't know what it was that would make him happy. He feels that things have been bad for a while (I agree) and we've lost most of our connection because of that.
I basically said (and it was SO DIFFICULT) that I felt I could forgive him for what happened; however that didn't mean I thought it was ok. I said I loved him and I wanted to make this work, but either he was all in or he was out. I said if there was a part of him that wanted to make this work then let's do it; but if not then that was it.
He said, let's do it. Let's try. So he came back last night. He was making an effort, in his "acts of service" way. He made dinner- one of my favourites. He got me ice cream. I asked him to sit with me when we were watching tv- he did and stayed there the rest of the evening with me.
He even went from not liking the idea of counselling to showing an active interest in it, what happens etc. We have identified our problems, I personally think they are fixable but will take some work from both of us. On our own we're not sure where to start, we don't know what we're supposed to be doing, how we're supposed to be acting. I don't want to be constantly engaging in very heavy talks; yes we need to do a lot more talking, but we also need to be doing whatever it is that made us want to be together in the first place.
I still feel terribly insecure. I am worried that he's just going to turn round one day and say, he can't do this. I don't want to be miserable around him, I don't want to give him my feelings and say, here, deal with all this, but I am obviously still going through things in my head, but I don't know where to start with if I have forgiven him, how do I move on from there? I still feel I want to check phone records but not forever, just for now. He has consented to this.
If I could write out an ideal plan of how things would go to recover things, it WOULDN'T be this! I want him to WANT to be here, and want to know how I do that, but equally I WANT him to show he wants to be here and make an effort. He has shown willing which is good. I guess I have to take it on a day-to-day basis.
Tobio, I feel your husband is manipulating you (in a bad way). He is selfish and he's using your insecurities against you.
Catherine was correct when she said that being at his Mom's is like a vacation. You do more and he gets to do even less when he wasn't doing enough to begin with.
He chose to kiss this woman and feel as if he was missing something in your relationship at a time you feel most insecure about your body because of your home situation giving birth to and raising HIS kids and are asking for more support.
Your baby body is easy to change. As a mom of three, I can completely understand. It's harder and harder to get your body back isn't it? Just know that when you want to, you will. My husband works with 20 somethings who have had no children. They have flat stomachs and perky boobies. It creates insecurity on its own, if he kissed one of them, I can only imagine the hurt I would feel. You don't do that to someone you love who is struggling!
Catherine was also correct when she said you should begin allowing yourself you time right now. I know that might not even look attractive because when you have wee little ones you are so emotionally invested, but she is right. The more you take care of yourself, the clearer the message to your husband...YOU ARE NEGLECTING ME, YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME, BUT I WON'T LET YOU.
Either way, things will get easier. Even if they're not at their worst. Your children will get older, your confidence and sense of self will return and hopefully your husband will wake up and realize he is married to a wonderful woman.
I really feel he wants to stay married but wants to manipulate you into letting him have it far easier than you without complaint from you and is doing this by acting out and saying/doing hurtful things. It might not be on purpose, he might not recognize it for what it is but it still is. YOU deserve better from him.
Ok, here is what is happening... Bear with me whilst I explain.
We did some heavy talking. He said a lot of things, then mostly said the opposite at some point. It has gone from me deciding if I want him back to him not knowing if he wants to be here in the first place.
It seems that the girl "incident" was a symptom of our problems, not THE problem if that makes sense. However, I think his thoughts are clouded by the feelings he has/had for her; I don't believe it WAS anything more, but I strongly feel he is having some kind of "withdrawal" from not seeing her every day and the feelings that go with meeting someone you like.
He went from basically saying it was over and he wanted to move out, to almost breaking down when I got upset, saying he just wanted to be happy, he just didn't know what it was that would make him happy. He feels that things have been bad for a while (I agree) and we've lost most of our connection because of that.
I basically said (and it was SO DIFFICULT) that I felt I could forgive him for what happened; however that didn't mean I thought it was ok. I said I loved him and I wanted to make this work, but either he was all in or he was out. I said if there was a part of him that wanted to make this work then let's do it; but if not then that was it.
He said, let's do it. Let's try. So he came back last night. He was making an effort, in his "acts of service" way. He made dinner- one of my favourites. He got me ice cream. I asked him to sit with me when we were watching tv- he did and stayed there the rest of the evening with me.
We have identified our problems, I personally think they are fixable but will take some work from both of us. On our own we're not sure where to start, we don't know what we're supposed to be doing, how we're supposed to be acting. I don't want to be constantly engaging in very heavy talks; yes we need to do a lot more talking, but we also need to be doing whatever it is that made us want to be together in the first place.
I still feel terribly insecure. I am worried that he's just going to turn round one day and say, he can't do this. I don't want to be miserable around him, I don't want to give him my feelings and say, here, deal with all this, but I am obviously still going through things in my head, but I don't know where to start with if I have forgiven him, how do I move on from there? I still feel I want to check phone records but not forever, just for now. He has consented to this.
.
I am so happy at this turn around, you can make this work. There may be days ahead where he waffles but you must not resort to anxiously watching him. Don't walk on egg shells either, he may not be able to fully comfort and reassure you that he loves, so you may have to have wait. Set boundaries on what you will tolerate.
This is hard but the more power to give to him by being vigilant and insecure the less love he will show you. This is a critical time and will set the tone of your marriage. I think the conventional wisdom is that the marriage is never the same after infidelity, you have to build a new relationship.
Work really really hard to turn your anxiety inwards and work on making yourself be a woman that can capture a mans heart. It may not be your husbands heart in the end but any mans heart. I don't mean pretending that you are happy but being happy with yourself and who you are.
I'll repeat my suggestion about leaving him to care for the children while you go out with friends. Start exercising, change hair get nails done any thing to boost your self esteem. It will not come from your husband but from you.
She may be able to offer suggestion and support you through this period. Do you have friends and or family that you can call upon at this time?
I just want to tell you that he may go back and forth about being in the marriage. You can not become a doormat to keep him set boundaries and work on you. You can only control you. Get MC ASAP.
Catherine I thought you were going to tell me off LOL! I have already PM'd Affaircare just before I read your message
Thank you both.
I am booked in at the gym tomorrow for a look around- I picked one with a good creche that will care for young children, which will avoid the problem of having to juggle gym and childcare. I also splurged on some new outfits. I am hoping to get out for a drink at some point over the weekend, but haven't decided whether this should be with OH or me and friends yet. So that's the "me" part so far.
Counselling is booked for Monday.
I am worried my insecurities will be a problem in themselves. He left his phones out last night and I took a look at one and noticed he'd called his phone provider whilst at work. I panicked and asked him why; he was happy to answer and said his GPS wasn't working. I feel in retrospect doing that secretively- although he'd obviously left his phones out to show he wasn't hiding them- was a bit wrong. I'd rather be open about doing it if I do. He also left his new phone at home.
I am thinking about turning my outward insecurity inwards- yes I feel INCREDIBLY insecure but that's not what I want him to see.
Totally understand and good for you! It'd take me months to do what you did in a day or so. The gym I go to now actually has daycare hooked up to cameras which you can see on a specific channel on the televisions that are on each machine.
When I took my two boys with me and placed them in daycare...I spent my entire workout studying them in the daycare...lol
I also want to add, just in talking to you Tobio, your husband has an amazing, kind, intelligent and thoughtful wife. He'd be an idiot to even consider leaving you. Just keep that little tidbit in mind because it is true.
I also want to add, just in talking to you Tobio, your husband has an amazing, kind, intelligent and thoughtful wife. He'd be an idiot to even consider leaving you. Just keep that little tidbit in mind because it is true.
Thanks for saying this Trenton, I was thinking it but did not take the time to express it. I really want to echo what Trenton has said Tobio.
I am so impressed by your emotional control, clear thinking and acting. This is a devastating occurrence and a very difficult time for you and your husband, I am sure. But you have managed the emotional turmoil as best as anyone can. The fact that you have had a baby so recently and still manage to keep it together impresses me even more.
I have not had this happen to me yet (there is 50% chance it will) but if you read some of the post from men and women with cheating spouses, there is a tendency to allow themselves to be abused. I find it so difficult to read (I advise you not to read those post at this time).
In contrast, you have reacted in a dignified manner and you obviously have high self-esteem and resiliency. It is quite natural to feel insecure when this happens but I really have to applaud you for working on building it back up not by asking your husband for validation but getting it from your self.
You husband is a very lucky man to have so self-possessed a wife. I am certain you can turn your rather insightful mind to looking at what went wrong in the marriage and how to fix things. I am glad to see that you are not shrinking from the fact that there were problems before this happened and that you are able to look at yourself. It is easy to point the finger. I hope your husband is owning his role too.
I think you are right not to get into heavy relationship talk now and to let things kind of rest until you see the MC for guidance.
BTW, there is no way I would be critical of the way you have handled this, your instincts are spot on and I have to say again that under very trying circumstances, you have done what very few spouses can do, you reacted in a measured, dignified way.
Your husband seems to have gotten lonely for you, that happens when there are kids especially during the infant toddler stage. I think if you are both aware of how you can drift appart and make sure it does not happen then you will weather this storm ands come out stronger.
I'll give you one other small bit of advice because it helps me keep my self esteem high - always watch your weight, always take the trouble to look good, stay up with the fashions, wear high heals, make up, pants that hug and assume an attitude that if you had to find another man, you would have no problems doing so. Don't depend on only your husband for emotional suport and friendship, dont stay at home all of the time.
The biggest mistake women make is to become complacent about their appearance I think. I don't look good for my husband alone but for me. I want to make sure that he knows I am not with him out of necessity but out of choice and I could chose at any time to get out.
I also want to add, just in talking to you Tobio, your husband has an amazing, kind, intelligent and thoughtful wife. He'd be an idiot to even consider leaving you. Just keep that little tidbit in mind because it is true.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
Thanks for saying this Trenton, I was thinking it but did not take the time to express it. I really want to echo what Trenton has said Tobio.
I am so impressed by your emotional control, clear thinking and acting. This is a devastating occurrence and a very difficult time for you and your husband, I am sure. But you have managed the emotional turmoil as best as anyone can. The fact that you have had a baby so recently and still manage to keep it together impresses me even more.
I have not had this happen to me yet (there is 50% chance it will) but if you read some of the post from men and women with cheating spouses, there is a tendency to allow themselves to be abused. I find it so difficult to read (I advise you not to read those post at this time).
In contrast, you have reacted in a dignified manner and you obviously have high self-esteem and resiliency. It is quite natural to feel insecure when this happens but I really have to applaud you for working on building it back up not by asking your husband for validation but getting it from your self.
You husband is a very lucky man to have so self-possessed a wife. I am certain you can turn your rather insightful mind to looking at what went wrong in the marriage and how to fix things. I am glad to see that you are not shrinking from the fact that there were problems before this happened and that you are able to look at yourself. It is easy to point the finger. I hope your husband is owning his role too.
I think you are right not to get into heavy relationship talk now and to let things kind of rest until you see the MC for guidance.
BTW, there is no way I would be critical of the way you have handled this, your instincts are spot on and I have to say again that under very trying circumstances, you have done what very few spouses can do, you reacted in a measured, dignified way.
I just want to say...
I read these posts a short while ago. I waltzed off into the kitchen thinking, "I'll be ok." Not just ok with this relationship but ok whatever happens.
I have a source of strength. I broke up with my older childrens' father when they were very young; in fact my second child was still a baby. Different circumstances: he preferred drinking and acting like a guy with no children.
The time that followed that, was the most testing and emotional time of my life- apart from this. I learned so much about myself and my abilities to cope on my own. I knew then that I could withstand any emotional storm and come out the other side, and be ok on my own.
This is very much different because I feel a lot differently about OH. He is the only one I have ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I have been stuck thinking how will I live without him? Then I read your messages and thought, hang on. I forgot somewhere that yes, I am amazing, kind, intelligent and thoughtful. I will give 100% to make my relationship work. If he doesn't see or appreciate it... then it is HIS loss. If he does... we can make it better and have it STAY better. I think I just forgot who *I*
was for a second.
What you guys said has been the most uplifting thing in the last three days. I NEEDED to hear that, I just didn't realise it.
Just a quick note: I wanted to let you know that I'm starting at the beginning and then I have a few things I'd like to share. It may take a moment to catch up though, so just thought I'd let you know I'm working on it!
Re: He kissed another woman... 
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at 
