It's much more likely he can/will atone if the bar gets lowered and it feels safe.
I just wanted to say that you should go back and read the posts you were submitting before his indiscretion.
Your tone is completely forthright and honest now. Very appealing. Very direct, straight, and true.
Stay that way.
He'll do anything you ask.
If the bar gets lowered = I lower my expectations (demands)?
I found myself sniping at him not long ago. Nothing really nasty, but I heard myself and it was very passive-aggressive. He asked what was wrong, I said the reason I was saying those things is because I feel very angry inside- he asks what about - I say you know- he says "what happened?" and I nod.
I say I knew I was quiet earlier and it's because I feel like that inside, and I don't want to be like that on the outside so I sit and be quiet, until it passes. I start to say "I need reassurance from you," and I can feel him retreating, his head goes somewhere else. I carry on anyway- "I need to know you care, I need to know you love me, I need to know you think I'm pretty" and all of a sudden I feel so incredibly needy.
He nods quietly but doesn't otherwise respond. He isn't giving off "receptive" vibes, his silence feels frustrated and angry. I get up and carry on.I feel he's angry at me for spoiling the good atmosphere.
Catherine & Brennan, you know I feel you big time.
But the BEST thing I've learned from TAM is that we can only work on ourselves. We get a whole us and then we're better able to deal with our feelings and KNOW what we actually wants as opposed to allowing our emotions to rule our relationship and create negative cycles that don't actually get us what we want anyway.
I agree with you whole heartedly - in my head - but in my deep emotion they don't match up. I hear what Affaircare is saying she has a wonderful calm and reassuring manner. Moreover when I read it I say to my self that's right she specks for both parties and helps to decode the actions of the disloyal. She does it in a way that makes it eminately acceptable to a person who has been hurt. She is not saying well this is how it is so buck up but more like sharing her knowledge of human nature. Who can argue, we all recognize human nature.
The problem is the hurt person has no splice from the person who hurt them. If T husband continues to down play the fact that he has hurt his wife deeply for what ever human motivation, is she then required to accept his lack of empathy and back off. I do not think she is being at all unreasonable and I think he is being ver careless and unkind. This is a women who has had his children, is still nursing one of them and who he is treating as if she was some person who has done nothing in his life. I understand the motivations but I believe his lack of motivation to care about his wife says more about his character. Her choice then comes to wheather she want to endure years with a man who seems incapable of forgetting about his ego and think about his wife.
It is so simple to "look at his wife and see her pain and respond with concern and care. He would do that with a wounded dog but not for his wife. Is her transgressions so large that she can not at lest expect that. He souds like an insecure pekock who may only learn when someone cheats on him. He may yet have that in his future.
This is all from emotion and not reason but life exist in the intersection of emotions and thought. Niether can be egnored. I had a really bad argument with my husband this AM and none of my intellect was called into play when it got heated so I know what I am talking about. Posted via Mobile Device
We are going out together tonight. We have arranged a babysitter and are meeting up with a group of friends, this is something we used to do a lot when first dating. OH was talking earlier and saying he was looking forward to going out and me actually being WITH him, he made a comment about how we will be sat opposite each other, talking to different friends, but making "sex eyes" at each other all night This "sitting across from each other" bit was a kind of standing joke we used to have about when we went out, but the second bit... hmm, I think this is very telling. I am thinking he is saying something about anticipation, the chase and suchlike?
I agree I think he is too, namely that he would like it if his wife, the woman he loves and who has had his children, sat across from him and talked to different friends, but looked at him like she could not wait to get home and tear his clothes off because he is BLAZING hot! For some reason, men like that kind of look...
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Also- I haven't been showing him the "real me"- the one which is upset, hurt, sad, in mourning almost. I have instead been faking it, fake happy, trying to be someone he wants to be around. But yes, he is not buying it. He pointed out that I was quiet earlier, said it worried him because he didn't know what was going to come out of it. I said, yes I know I'm quiet, but don't worry.
My worry is he does not know how to deal with my feelings of hurt. So he gets anxious, stressed, irritated, angry. *I* do not know what I want him to do, being honest. Because I know I will feel his words are empty.
I need to point out something to you that may not be too popular here, but failing to show him the True You is actually deception. I realize you don't want to go around screaming at him or break down crying, but it is impossible for him to know what you're going through, or comfort you, or empathize unless you show him or at least share with him what's inside. By being fake you may not realize it but you're kind of disrespecting him, because by your actions you're saying, "I don't think you have what it takes to deal with me and my feelings right now. You aren't mature enough to handle it in an adult way. So I am going to lie to you about what's going on with me. BUT ... I want you to be honest and open with me." My guess is that if he treated you like that, you'd feel pretty disrespected--after all you're a very reasonable adult woman! So have some faith in your husband and his ability to cope with and manage the truth.
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He is really making an effort though. The physical affection- well, I can remember him being like this when we were first together. A lot of it feels genuine, tender- and I think, why on earth couldn't he have been like this the million and one times I WANTED him to be before this all happened? He came out with all the excuses in the book as to why he couldn't/wouldn't be affectionate with me, and now he's showering me with affection! *shrugs*
He is just being so... nice. Very, overly nice in fact.
Actually it would be easiest to ask him this question--directly--when you've had a great night and you love each other and you both feel pretty secure. But my guess is that he is not dumb. He knows he hurt you and being a guy is relatively clueless so he doesn't know how to "fix it." What guys do know is that if they blow it big time, buy flowers or chocolate. Right? So he's doing what he knows to do. That's actually a good sign because that means he is willing to do ... something ... to make this right! Now all we have to do is identify WHAT it is he has to do to help you! Right?
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And he is a "words of affirmation" guy. I GENUINELY thought I was doing my part with that. Sort of boosting his masculinity whilst complimenting him was my tack. Stuff like, "you did such a good job with learning how to mend that problem with the car. You pick stuff like that up so quickly. I love that you're good with the "guy" stuff- I wouldn't have a clue!"
You know for someone who doesn't naturally have this Love Language it can be a real toughy. My own Dear Hubby is NOT this way (as in N-O-T!!) and he says when he does try to say something it feels so fake and "flattering" to him as if he's trying to butter-me-up. He really does feel appreciation but when he tries to formulate it in words, it feels like the words don't express it accurately and they sound fake. Does that make sense? Just as important though, is Words of affirmation IN REVERSE. Insults can leave him shattered and are not easily forgotten. Speaking for myself, the largest pain I can feel is when I have worked and given and provided for someone, and they turn around and not only don't appreciate it...insult what I gave. (I don't mean 'presents' but more like 'I gave you the gift of doing a chore' or 'I gave you the gift of getting your favorite fruit') So maybe you did say positive words of affirmation, but the negative words of insult drained them away. BTW I'm not saying you did or did not actually do that...just discussing possibilities to help you think and explore.
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Oh and the last thing. I don't feel I can properly talk just right now about my feelings with him, because I *do* feel still so angry and hurt. I do not feel confident I can express this in a non-vindictive, hurtful way. I still feel I want to lash out and give him a good verbal pasting! I am very interested in what Catherine said about the concept of atonement because I may need him to ues it for me to be able to move forward.
Well as I mentioned above, if you do not show him or share with him your true feelings--even if they are pretty messy--you're kind of saying "I don't believe you have the maturity to handle this" and that's pretty disrespectful. But even skipping that, what would you do if I told you that I was fine and liked you fine...but inside I was seething with rage at you for hurting me AND I expected you to somehow empathize with how I feel, even though I'm HIDING my feelings from you! How could you truly express empathy and understanding if you did not see that I'm hurting and enraged? All you'd see is a calm, fake, exterior "I'm fine! I'm fine!" Chances are about 100% I would be FURIOUS you didn't acknowledge my pain and it would build and build until I blew up at you...and from your side you'd see "I'm fine! I'm fine!" have a suspicious something wasn't right, and then BLAM!! I'd explode at you!
If you would like him to show you empathy, that would mean you want him to have recognition and insight into how you are feeling. Now...he could guess. But guessing is so inaccurate! That's such a waste of energy! Instead, I recommend that you tell him, "Honey, put on your flame-retardant suit and your 'don't take it personally' shield, because I'm done pretending I'm okay and being fake. I want you to be transparent with me and yet I've been hiding the True Me from you. So it's not going to be pretty and I will do my best to keep the focus on me and not blame you. Let me know when you're ready." Then give him the OPPORTUNITY to commiserate with you and let you know that he hurt as much as you did! Does that make sense? I'm not advocating kicking his a$$ from here to tomorrow. I'm advocating being honest with yourself and with him, and "fake fine" is not honesty.
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I found myself sniping at him not long ago. Nothing really nasty, but I heard myself and it was very passive-aggressive. He asked what was wrong, I said the reason I was saying those things is because I feel very angry inside- he asks what about - I say you know- he says "what happened?" and I nod.
I say I knew I was quiet earlier and it's because I feel like that inside, and I don't want to be like that on the outside so I sit and be quiet, until it passes. I start to say "I need reassurance from you," and I can feel him retreating, his head goes somewhere else. I carry on anyway- "I need to know you care, I need to know you love me, I need to know you think I'm pretty" and all of a sudden I feel so incredibly needy.
He nods quietly but doesn't otherwise respond. He isn't giving off "receptive" vibes, his silence feels frustrated and angry. I get up and carry on.I feel he's angry at me for spoiling the good atmosphere.
May I point out a couple things to you? This is actually GREAT because it gives you an easy way to start evaluating where communication is going off-track and turning into "me vs. him" rather than being on the same team. Okay so you start with "I found myself sniping at him" and right there that is something new I would like to encourage you to practice more. Be self-aware of you and what you are doing and saying and how you're saying it, etc. If you notice sniping, just say "I notice I'm sniping and I want to take a minute apart to figure this out so I can tell you what's up." When he asks "What's wrong" look at how you replied: with a REASON. He didn't ask "why?...." he asked for information about what was wrong. So there's another thing. When he talks or asks you a question...listen and answer what he asks. When you say that you feel very angry inside, and he says "about what" again look at how you reply. You don't answer. You say "You know." No he doesn't. He is a clueless guy, remember? AND he may have suspicions but he is not in your skin. So he does not know. When he asks, it is okay to tell him. You can even say "I'm feeling angry about the affair at the moment."
Then you do say some really good stuff: "I knew I was quiet earlier and it's because I feel like that inside, and I don't want to be like that on the outside so I sit and be quiet, until it passes." Okay there you go. You shared some of what's inside and even a little about your plan. My suggestion would be to be even more open and blunt about it. "Look honey, here's the truth. I'm pissed at times. I feel like some of my innocence was robbed. At times I feel like a frumpy step-sister. Okay? But I know those are just feelings and I'll feel them less and less often, so my idea is to just be quiet until the feeling pass rather than being all b!tchy. What do you think?" This gets him to engage in the conversation and to be ON YOUR TEAM. See that? It's not "Me vs. you" but "this is how I intend to deal with this--sound good to you?" and you two are in it together. Finally you say "I need reassurance from you." Now tobio, do you think you've have any idea what I mean if I said to you that I need you show me love? Do you know what means love to me? What if you send me gifts and my Love Language is Acts of Service? Saying these kinds of vague statements drives men NUTS and you know why? Guys don't have a clue what we mean by "be romantic" or "I need reassurance" or "respect me." Guys are more literal. They think "What SPECIFICALLY do you want me to do?" So your man hears "I need reassurance" and he thinks "Oh Cr@P I'm sunk. I will NEVER figure this out. She wants something from me, I have no clue what, she can't put it into words even, and somehow I'm supposed to figure it out...but no matter what I do it won't be right." Then look at your next words really closely. "...and I can feel him retreating, his head goes somewhere else." Do you see that this is entirely something that you projected onto him, and not something that he said out loud or something he expressed to you in a clear way? For example, you say you FEEL him retreating. What if his head was thinking what I just typed? What if his head was thinking of ways to be reassuring? What if his head was thinking "Huh what has she wanted in the past when she asked for reassurance?" None of those would be "retreating" and he did not say out loud "Honey! I'm retreating from this conversation. It is WAAAAY too heavy for me!!." Nope. You assigned that to him. Maybe he DID resign. But maybe you assumed he did, pressed on with some other vague stuff, and then due to your own insecurities assigned him "not giving off receptive vibes." Sitting here on this forum we can't tell, but what I can tell is that without hearing it out loud, you are jumping to conclusions...and then not verifying them. Some of them may or may not be true. So rather than concluding he's withdrawing, speak it out loud.
Okay continuing on you say that you feel so incredibly needy. That is because you are expecting your husband, a person outside of yourself, to "make" you feel pretty and loveable. Tobio, only you can control what you think and feel. In fact, even I can not control you and you could very well say "Well I hate your guts now. Bye." So no matter what he does, he can not "make" you feel pretty and loveable. You are pretty because of your beauty (remember that part)? And you are loveable because you are who you are--a reasonable, self-aware, real, honest, loving, caring, thoughtful treasure of a woman. Being loveable is like being the heir to the throne: it is part of your identity and it is just who you ARE. So rather than tell your hubby "I need you to make me feel loved" tell him "I don't feel lovely right now and a long, 3-minute hug would help with that" or "I feel like a big old BLOB today and it makes me angry. Can you kiss me while I grouse until I stop grousing and giggle please?" Get the idea? Then let's finish looking at what you wrote. "He nods quietly but doesn't otherwise respond. He isn't giving off "receptive" vibes, his silence feels frustrated and angry. I get up and carry on.I feel he's angry at me for spoiling the good atmosphere." Did you notice something? He did not yell and scream at you for being angry. He did not say things he would later regret. He did not tell you "You can't feel that way." He did not say that he's frustrated you're not over this already. He did not tell you, "BLANKETY BLANK BLANk now you've ruined our fun night." Nope. He responded quietly (when you were quiet, what did that mean?) and he did not respond abusively, controllingly, with threats, or with blame. Nope. He let you have you say. Then YOU assigned all the rest of that to him. You said it felt like he wasn't receptive. What does receptive feel like? And maybe his lack of reaction did have some tinges of frustration or anger, but we don't know for sure because we are not in his head and he didn't say anything out loud. He actions at most indicated "I'm not sure what to do so I'll do nothing."
SOOOOOO...I have a challenge for you. From this point forward, I would like you to make a concerted effort to jump to no conclusions and make no assumptions. This is hard I know, but for right now, I would like you to practice checking if that's what he's thinking and feeling. Bear in mind that if he's a typical guy, he may do a lot better describing what he's THINKING than what he's feeling, and that's okay. So assignment #1--Do not assume. Check with him Out Loud. "Honey it seems to me that you are disappointed and angry. Is that how you feel right now?"
Assignment #2--Practice W-T-F-S and use that all the time. I mean A LOT!! Include all of the letters too: When you (or when I)...I THINK... I Feel.... So I'd like to ask (and then be specific). Saying "I need you to be more romantic" is like setting up a man to fail, so if you need a hug, ask for a hug. You need him to give you the eye all night? Ask for it. Okay? I know it's hard but try.
I hope you don't mind--I was mostly addressing tobio because it's her thread, but I do want to reply to some of your thoughts and questions. In one of your posts you asked:
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This is my biggest concern with the advice that you are giving Affaircare, it is geared towards the loyal spouse doing all of the work to make the disloyal spouse feel good and loved. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Shouldn't the he be doing as much work as she is? Why is she required to stuff her justified feeling of mistrust, fractured self esteem, and anger while daubing over the person who caused it.
I actually have a funny question for you. The LS is the one who's here at the forum doing reading. How would you propose that I "make" the DS do as much work using only the LS? How do I communicate to the DS what they should be doing to make their LS feel good and loved...when only the LS comes here? How would I go about telling the DS that he/she as a duty to help their LS wrestle with the feelings that their actions created, when the DS is not here? Osmosis? Control? I do not see an alternative that would make the DS do what they should be doing when the only one with whom I have any means of communication is the LS...short of endorsing controlling behavior. And controlling behavior does not build a healthy relationship--it builds a parent/child relationship which one usually resents and eventually leaves.
So I have never, ever said that the DS gets their feet kissed while the LS is shattered to smithereens and then has to stuff their feelings. What I have said is that there are two sides required: the DS's side and LS's side. The LS is the one here--Tobio--and so I'm telling her about what she can do, both for herself and for the marriage. If the DS were here, as I mentioned to Tobio in my reply, we'd start with the STICKY: 3 Things Needed to Rebuild Trust in the DS's Honesty and would continue from there into "how affairs start" "what loyals feels" "what commitment really is" identifying the kindlers and extinguishers that THEY did, etc. Should the DS be doing as much as the LS? Of course! They both need to do about equal amounts of work and practicing new things and seeing things in new light...and the DS has the added bonus of knowing that their own actions were unforgiveable! But remember how often, in a marriage, both parties feel like they are "doing everything" and the other guy is doing nothing? Same here. The LS feels like "Hey I'm the injured party here! Why am I doing all the work?" but the DS feels pretty similar. So they BOTH have to work for it to thrive, but BOTH aren't here, and we just can not get her DS to do anything from here on this forum...and "Affaircare said you're supposed to be...blah blah blah" does not work.
Later on it that post you say that:
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True forgiveness is based on the actions and work put in to the relationship by the person who transgressed not the person who has been hurt. The requirement that the hurt person do all of the work is not humanly possible and I cannot see how this will lead to re- establish a new relationship. Her husband is dictating the terms of the marriage she takes it or leaves it.
I disagree and I'm living proof of my reason. My exH left me and our two kids for another woman in another state. He left our business so I had no way to support the family, our business failed, we lost our home, and he never, ever ONCE said he was sorry or wrong (until like seven years later). Now, suppose I had sat around and waited for the "...work put into the relationship by the person who transgressed...." I'd have been waiting seven years, and I would have been bitter and angry that whole time, because I was the "party who was wronged." In real life, forgiveness is not something he earns from me, but rather is something that I grant TO MYSELF. I make a conscious decision "to give up resentment of or claim to requital for" (which is the Merriam-Webster definition of "forgive"). Now this is just me, but you can hold onto the resentment of infidelity forever, and use it like a sword over someone's head: the ultimate ace-in-the-hole to win every argument. OR you can live a life peaceful contentment, making the choice to release the resentment REGARDLESS of how the offending party acts.
Now under ideal circumstances, the person who transgressed admits they were wrong and does care enough about the relationship to want to mend the wedge. Ideally they stop doing what they know is wrong and are willing to work at rebuilding and doing better. But here's a fact. Not all disloyals ever hit ideal!! So would you have JAR, land and the other LS's in the "Coping with Infidelity" area to live the rest of their lives in resentment until the ex who "wronged" them put in the work to fix it? If you made a grievously large mistake, and did realize it, would you hope that your spouse would use it as a weapon against you to control how you acted? No, that is not healthy and respectful rebuilding.
Again, I am purposely leaving off the DS's side, and that's not because the DS doesn't have work to do but rather because the DS can not "make" their LS forgive no matter what they do. I've known of LS's who have a truly remorseful DS and then they bring it up in fights, use is as an excuse to not have sex, etc. for the rest of the DS's life. So the DS absolutely DOES have work to do if they intend to rebuild a healthy intimate relationship but it's not "making their LS forgive them." That is a choice the LS makes. The DS is responsible for THEIR CHOICES and the consequences of their choices. They HAD a spouse who trusted in their honesty and not that is shattered, and if the DS wants to rebuild that, they have to accept that they are starting from ground zero. The DS devastated their partner, and they are responsible to be supportive as their LS deals with those feelings in a healthy way. ETC. But saying that the DS has to do all the work is not humanly possible (or healthy) either and will not lead to re-establishing a new relationship. It would be a relationship of punishment, and that is not love.
Conrad had it right when he wrote:
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Expressing anger... for most people means "over the top" emotion with raised voices and some(times) hateful rhetoric.
Totally ineffective and truly inappropriate - and it works against you. Vindictiveness, punishment, etc. are all part and parcel of this venting.
Finally, in another post you wrote:
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I don't think her husband get's how much he hurt her he has no empathy a requirement for true intimacy and he is likely to do it again since it is no big deal to him and he minimizes her pain. ... Are there so many other good things in this relationship that she would be asking too much to expect him to care enough to not get him self entangled with another girl when he needs to feel good, to be careful about his wife's feelings, to understand her deep hurt an anxiety at this easily date.
May I politely point out that you "...don't think her husband get's how much he hurt her..." and claim that "he has no empathy" based on Tobio's assigning certain reactions to him and her assumptions about what she said it "felt like"....not based on him coming on her and expressing out loud that inside his sking he doesn't see what the big deal it. This is EXACTLY what I mean about dealing with the person here. Until I hear from his lips (or fingertips ) "What is the gull durned big deal?" I'm not going to assume that what she assumed is either true or false. It is her educated speculation at best. I realize she lives with him and knows his mannerisms and stuff, but she is not in his head or in his heart. For all we know, he could be TOTALLY LOST inside and really hurting, but he sure as heck can't turn to his wife because she's holding his hands to the fire! WE are not in his head.
So rather than assuming he has no empathy and he is dictating the terms of the marriage, I'm going to encourage tobio to do her part--which is actually ASKING HIM OUT LOUD if her assumption or assignment is correct. My guess is that she's going to be surprised to discover that not only does he understand, but he feels that way too! Or that he totally GETS how she feels and even why...but being a nice, clueless guy has no idea what to do to make it better. That is not minimizing her pain. That is "not knowing what to do" and when you don't know what to do, sometimes doing nothing until you DO know what to do is best. And it will learn to understand her deep hurt and anxiety much better and empathize much more fully if she shares it with him--not in that "tongue-lashing" kind of way but in that "let me paint you a picture of what this feels like" kind of way. If she can use a metaphor, or an example he can relate to, he will come to understand... and then also maybe be better equipped TO empathize.
Wow AC thanks for all that I have read through a number of times now, getting it to sink in.
Something has happened. I am not sure what. But he seems to be purging himself today. He is brutally honest, saying what he is thinking and has been thinking about. He has actually been very insightful.
#1: He has been thinking about his role in what happened, and owning it. He basically acknowledged he MUST have done something to get her interest. He's still not sure about this, I think because he does not feel he "intentionally" set it up or ever intended to take it further.
#2: He is realising the effects of what he has done. It was something I said when I was talking about her, about she knew about me and our children yet she went ahead anyway, and now is off doing whatever she is doing not giving it a second thought. I think the second part of that hit home with him, he came back to it, the effects of what he had done, something so relatively "small."
#3: He is acutely aware of himself as a guy and his feelings. We were driving earlier and drove past a couple of pretty girls. He said (and I quote), "I don't know what's the matter with me. I'm always on the lookout for new meat. Is it true the more sex you have, the more you want?" Now, this was pretty hard for me to take, but I didn't overreact. He kind of talks about eyeing up women as "body parts." Ie a nice pair of boobs, nice ass, good legs. It is very significant to him that he is not looking at the "person"- to him that would be disrespectful to me? (Bear with me given what we are talking about...) He said that it is the "variety" that he seeks out visually. Ok. Now, given I don't "think" he is the type to have a full-blown affair, and the fact that he says he is carrying an awful lot of guilt, should I be worried about this?
#4: The guilt. He just feels so awfully, terribly guilty. He says it every day, usually in response to if I get upset.
#5: His acknowledgement of why he was withholding affection. He told me earlier that he is very resentful of the fact I had children before we met (I knew this already but I never realised until these last few days just how HUGE this was for him.) When my two were naughty, he would feel irritated and annoyed, and says that in his mind, it was MY fault because they are MY children. He built up a HUGE amount of resentment against me because of this, and voila - it came out by withholding something I wanted. A means to control the situation, albeit a messed-up one.
He is welcome to discipline them, I have encouraged him to play a more active role the more involved he has become in their lives.
I suspect there are a couple of elements at play. Firstly, we differ on our parenting styles. I am a very "positive parenting" type, and admit I am at times too soft. He is more strict as he feels this benefits them more in the long-term, and wishes I were more this way, he feels they don't always show me respect because of this.
Secondly, he feels he is limited on what he can say or do because he is not their biological father. He quotes times when his divorced mother had a boyfriend who tried to discipline him and he had no respect for him trying to do this, retorting that he "wasn't his father." He feels that as they get older, they will use this line on him and his attempts at discipline won't work.
It makes me feel rather sad at times because my second child was only just under a year when me and him met so all she has known at home is him as a father figure.
I should clarify here- he doesn't *****foot around. At all. He is the opposite, he dives right in, he doesn't seem to grasp the concept of giving a warning about bad behaviour, instead he sees questionable behaviour, goes straight for the punishment rather than the warning FIRST. He often skips over the fact that something might have happened that was an accident (eg a spilt drink) and immediately assumes it was a deliberate act and punishes how he feels appropriate, and, at times I feel rather extremely (eg spilt drink = sent to bed.)
He feels my two are overly naughty/disobedient. I feel they are no more naughty than any other children their age, in fact I would say they were exactly representative of any kid their age.
I also feel he almost EXPECTS them to play up, and talks to them accordingly. Thus a whole lot of what he says to them is negative. Sometimes the only things he will say between getting home from work and their bedtime are tellings off, or warnings ("I don't want you getting up from the table during dinner") and I worry they will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, ie if they feel he expects them to behave badly, then they feel they may as well do so. I try to encourage chat over dinner about what the older two have been doing at school, what they have coming up, might mention a good comment from a teacher about a piece of work, he will give it lip service but he is not *involved* with them per se, that is my department.
It has provoked comments from both older kids (bear in mind my second is only 4 years old) about why he doesn't go to class assemblies, parents' evenings, things like that. They have regular contact with their biological dad- who OH is old friends with- and I do also feel OH doesn't really know where he fits in.
I should clarify here- he doesn't *****foot around. At all. He is the opposite, he dives right in, he doesn't seem to grasp the concept of giving a warning about bad behaviour, instead he sees questionable behaviour, goes straight for the punishment rather than the warning FIRST. He often skips over the fact that something might have happened that was an accident (eg a spilt drink) and immediately assumes it was a deliberate act and punishes how he feels appropriate, and, at times I feel rather extremely (eg spilt drink = sent to bed.)
He feels my two are overly naughty/disobedient. I feel they are no more naughty than any other children their age, in fact I would say they were exactly representative of any kid their age.
I also feel he almost EXPECTS them to play up, and talks to them accordingly. Thus a whole lot of what he says to them is negative. Sometimes the only things he will say between getting home from work and their bedtime are tellings off, or warnings ("I don't want you getting up from the table during dinner") and I worry they will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, ie if they feel he expects them to behave badly, then they feel they may as well do so. I try to encourage chat over dinner about what the older two have been doing at school, what they have coming up, might mention a good comment from a teacher about a piece of work, he will give it lip service but he is not *involved* with them per se, that is my department.
It has provoked comments from both older kids (bear in mind my second is only 4 years old) about why he doesn't go to class assemblies, parents' evenings, things like that. They have regular contact with their biological dad- who OH is old friends with- and I do also feel OH doesn't really know where he fits in.
Blended families suck! My H came on scene when kids were 11 and 14. He doesn't tell them anything but gets mad when I don't do things his way. It's like he joined the family expecting all of us to change. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: He kissed another woman... 
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