He kissed another woman...
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Old 03-20-2011, 07:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default He kissed another woman...

I didn't see this one coming... But maybe I should have...

OH told me this morning that we "needed to talk." He never says this so I knew it was something serious. He went on to tell me that he kissed another woman and he had to tell me, he couldn't keep it a secret from me.

It happened two days ago. He has assignments at different sites, and for the last four weeks he has been at the same place. He has been chatting about it after work, has said it is a nice place to work, good atmosphere and friendly staff (hmm...)

He has mentioned a few times a particular female member of staff. He has been getting a ribbing apparently because this woman has a crush on him, and the manager has been teasing him, about has X made him a cuppa this morning, stuff like that, and also from other staff who say she has been asking about him. I gather also she comes out to talk to the guys.

Anyway... He told me it was their last day there on Friday, and they were working in the same room she works. She was chatting to them a lot of the day, and told him to come and say goodbye before he left. So he did, and then...

He said it was "just a kiss". She reached for a hug, and went to kiss him. He said he didn't realise what was happening until she did it, and as soon as he did, he pulled away, saying that this can't continue. He's felt really bad about it, and it hit me for six- even though we've been having our troubles recently, one thing I was sure of was that he wouldn't look elsewhere. I'm still stunned.

He has been ready to talk about it, but my spidey sense is telling me he's not telling me the whole truth. My gut is usually spot on and something is not as he says, but I can't work out what. I am fairly to almost certainly sure he hasn't slept with her or anything inbetween- of course I have no proof but working out his day schedule tells me he wouldn't have had time, and he was back on time that day.

He let on a little later that they had a text exchange on Friday evening. I asked how she got his number, he said he didn't know, she could have got it from any of his work colleagues. THEN upon realising that bit didn't play out right, it turns out he texted her first, she gave him her number. He says he texted after coming home after drinks with his friend, she replied and then that was it.

I demanded to see his phone- he wasn't going to let me at first but I pressed him and he did, though he sat with me the whole time like he was checking what I was doing. There aren't any calls between them and no other texts but he has deleted the text history from before yesterday. I couldn't see anything else on there but my gut says he has deleted something.

They are also friends on facebook. I had noticed he was going on FB more the last couple of days, he is on there but very rarelt if ever uses it. It says she accepted HIS friend request from Thursday, he mentioned she had found him on there so he's lying about that. He said something about they'd been chatting on there but only stuff like saying hello- bear in mind he never mentioned ANY of this and he is usually quite open about stuff.

He has taken the babies (the older ones are with their dad this weekend) and gone to his mums for a bit. He was pressing me, asking how I felt, had he messed everything up, what did I want to know, but I don't know how I feel much really. I don't feel like I know everything but I don't know what he's not telling me, even though he swears he isn't hiding anything else. I just wanted some space.

He claims not to realise what was going on, as far as he was concerned she was just being friendly... I was actually teasing him about it because it was obvious from what he said that she liked him, and I could tell he was flattered and that he fancied her too, though it (stupidly) didn't bother me. He said it was just an ego boost for him, he doesn't really know why he did it, but then tries to downplay it like it was nothing and nothing happened. He is really caring and worried about my feelings (ahem!) until I start pressing him that he is hiding something else, and he starts to get impatient. Either he's frustrated that I don't believe there IS nothing else, or he feels I'm close to finding out something he doesn't want me to know.

I just don't know what to do now. Part of me feels like it's "only" a kiss, not worth worrying much about, but then part of me is really angry that I have been fighting for his affections, that it's a gigantic effort just to get him to sit next to me, yet he'll happily wrap his arms around her and kiss her.

The other thing- I opened her facebook page up. there's loads of photos but it's not clear which one is her as her profile pic is a countryside scene and the pics aren't tagged much. He won't tell me which one is her and can't understand why I want to know but I just do- to compare us I suppose. He says he doesn't fancy her but I still need to know what I'm dealing with. He described her a little and it looks like she is one of the girls in the photo who looks rather like me... I don't know what that means.

Any thoughts welcome because I don't really know what to think...
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Old 03-20-2011, 07:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: He kissed another woman...

My thoughts are that he has been persuing her.

He seems very self indulgent. He is treating you worse and worse, and he keeps going because you keep taking this.

My bet is your reaction to this is a test from him, to see if he can keep behaving this way and get away with it.

You may have two small children with him, but you still do have better life options then to be with a guy who treats you so callously.

You deserve much better and so do your children.
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Old 03-20-2011, 08:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: He kissed another woman...

A few people here will recommend MC but it really depends on what you can tolerate. For me infidelity is a deal breaker I don't care what the circumstances were.
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Old 03-20-2011, 08:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: He kissed another woman...

An affair isn't a bad choice made when a married person decides to sleep with someone that they aren't married to.

It's a bad choice made when they decide to do something inappropriate (flirting, texting, chatting online, phone calls, lunch, drinks, whatever) with someone that's not their spouse. This leads to a string of self-rewarding behavior that can eventually lead to a PA.

He might not have initiated the flirting, however he certainly participated on an inappropriate level for a married man, and you should draw a clear line in the sand. It's likely that this is now an EA, and you have your work cut out for you.
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Old 03-20-2011, 08:51 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: He kissed another woman...

Tobio,

Men are clueless as a rule.

I'm not sure what age you and your husband are, but - currently - I know things are "strained" at your house.

He's likely pretty good at work. I'm sure this is an attractive young woman. And, it feels great to have attractive young women admire you.

He stands at the beginning of what we refer to as "the fog".

If you have complete access to his phone, passwords, etc. it's likely ok for them to "be friends".

Him being nervous sounds like he's feeling a bit guilty.

But, his nervousness "could be" the idea that he wants to tell you enough to calm things down - but he's nervous that he won't have the ego boost of her attention.

He did not, however, have to tell you he kissed her.

If you do allow them to remain in contact, there must be no more deletions of communication. And, you can assure this by comparing phone company text history with his actual phone.
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Old 03-20-2011, 09:42 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: He kissed another woman...

There was a line that was crossed when they kissed, he should no longer have her as a Facebook friend, or any other communication with her. I am sure this girl knows he is married. If it were me, I would contact her, & let her know that I didn't appreciate her actions. Just my opinion. Good luck.
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Old 03-20-2011, 11:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: He kissed another woman...

I certainly wouldnt throw him under the bus -just yet. Him coming to you within 2 days of his wayward deed , when he could have easily gotten away with it, this is something to consider. (I bet many would not kiss & TELL -as it would only invite chaos in their marraiges).

I would count this part as a VERY HEALTHY THING. Our confessions can KEEP us accountable. (Unless of coarse he had an ulterier motive for doing so -someone seen it & he was fearful it would get back to you --MOTIVE is everything )

BUT there IS something that bothers me ALOT ......

He LIED about him texting her 1st , He hesitated when you wanted to see his phone AND he also would not show you which pic is hers -YOU deserve this much as his hurting wife.

Personally, for me, THOSE THINGS would bother me MORE than a slipped kiss. But that is me. I would have to agree with you, that he IS probably hiding more of his feelings -because of those 3 things.

If we are ALL openly honest with ourselves , generally we enjoy a little attention from the opposite sex, this does not make us cheaters, at least I don't think it does. It IS an ego -boost, especially in Mid Life. Nice to feel we still have it "goin' on" just a little. And if the attention is coming from someone a little younger & hotter, even more of an ego boost. It just is what it is. We are still married, but we are not dead.

Yes, he crossed the line, but it is the hesitation of honesty , what is behind this, that needs unearthed.
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Old 03-20-2011, 01:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: He kissed another woman...

The fact he told you very soon after is good. The way it happened-not so good!
He needs to transfer to a different Dept. from this gal who seems to like married men. Give him a chance and talk it out.
Perhaps a new job is in order. The fact even the Manager is egging her on shows how Un-Professional of a work place this is.
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Old 03-20-2011, 02:36 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Fordsvt View Post
The fact he told you very soon after is good. The way it happened-not so good!
He needs to transfer to a different Dept. from this gal who seems to like married men. Give him a chance and talk it out.
Perhaps a new job is in order. The fact even the Manager is egging her on shows how Un-Professional of a work place this is.
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Old 03-20-2011, 03:25 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: He kissed another woman...

SA you have got it- it is more the "what's behind it" than what happened.

Ok so I feel the fact it was only a kiss makes it easier to deal with. I think he is playing it down though; the way he explained it, they were alone together because he chose to make it like that, he says she hugged him but he didn't realise what was happening... He was obviously up close enough for her to do that- if indeed that is how it happened. I just don't buy that he didn't realise what was going on until they kissed. If he did instigate it or it was more than he said... well I'd have more of a problem then.

He said he was flattered by the attention, and what happened was the result of a build-up for the weeks he was there, yet he goes on to say he doesn't fancy her and he just thought she was being flirty, implying it was all something that happened TO him. My money is on he had more of a role in it than he's letting on and I feel extremely uncomfortable thinking about that, that he may have pursued her. To add to the uneasy feeling, he texted her after supposedly her giving him her number after they kissed.

He said on Friday that he didn't think much of it (!), but on Saturday, we had a really nice day, he said I was being so sweet and caring, and he couldn't stop thinking about it then.

He's done working there now and he only met her when he started there four weeks ago, and won't see her again through work. Btw he's 30, this girl is 35 I think, and if it's the girl I think it is from the photos, quite pretty. He still won't tell me which one she is though. And I'm still wary about the issue with the phone- just off to see if I can check his calls and texts online to see if I can see anything on there that wasn't on his phone.
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Old 03-20-2011, 03:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: He kissed another woman...

She has just sent a private message to him on FB. I can't get into his FB directly but I accessed his hotmail and read the notification. It's just a "good weekend?" but all of a sudden I feel REALLY angry.

I can't access his phone bill online so can't check that yet.

My instincts tell me to keep a quiet eye on things. I'd be interested to see if he replies to her, and more so if he tells me.

The other option is to demand complete access. I have his hotmail password but not his FB or phone provider ones. Any opinions on what the best approach is?

I also feel very tempted to contact her with a brief message of "get lost" (or along those lines!) but not sure if it's worth the hassle?

Am thinking there seems to be quite a bit going on for something that he purports was half a kiss...
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Old 03-20-2011, 04:57 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: He kissed another woman...

There is more going on. If he is nervous at you looking at his messages and also refuses to tell you who she is, he is hiding quite alot.
I too would not be ready to toss him under the bus just yet but like you said, your gut is telling you something is off. Most womens gut instincts are right.
If you want to know what is really going on, you could purchase a voice activated recorder which costs about $50 and you would hide it in his car. That would allow you to hear any conversations he has, and particularly if he is having any with her. Emails, texts, fb is pretty easy to delete and he has already proven that he is in fact deleting these things. On top of that, after the kiss happened HE requested to friend her on fb. Something is off.
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Old 03-20-2011, 05:11 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tobio View Post
She has just sent a private message to him on FB. I can't get into his FB directly but I accessed his hotmail and read the notification. It's just a "good weekend?" but all of a sudden I feel REALLY angry.

I can't access his phone bill online so can't check that yet.

My instincts tell me to keep a quiet eye on things. I'd be interested to see if he replies to her, and more so if he tells me.

The other option is to demand complete access. I have his hotmail password but not his FB or phone provider ones. Any opinions on what the best approach is?

I also feel very tempted to contact her with a brief message of "get lost" (or along those lines!) but not sure if it's worth the hassle?

Am thinking there seems to be quite a bit going on for something that he purports was half a kiss...
If he wants to keep her as a "friend", complete access is a must.

His choice.

If he won't agree? No contact letter.
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Old 03-20-2011, 05:42 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Conrad View Post
If he wants to keep her as a "friend", complete access is a must.

His choice.

If he won't agree? No contact letter.
I respectfully disagree. Any person who is trying to drive a wedge between their marriage is NO friend of their marriage and therefore needs to be cut out like a tumor. It appears he already has feelings for her, liked the attention, etc. etc. If he hasn't already crossed another line, being "friends" with someone who has no issue trying to hook up with a married man is a very very bad idea. She needs to take a hard stance on this. She isn't the one who needs to send a NC letter, he is. Nothing good can come of being friends with her, nothing.
We dealt with a mate poacher like this early on in our marriage. Also a co-worker who was his "friend". She had much bigger ideas. The main one being my husband and my life. She wanted what I had. He was really clueless and only thought of her as a friend but one day I found out what she was up to and well, things didn't work out for her. Men and women can be friends. Women who have stars in their eyes about married men, cannot.

Last edited by Therealbrighteyes; 03-20-2011 at 05:47 PM.
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Old 03-20-2011, 05:50 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: He kissed another woman...

I don't know if he wants to still be friends with her on FB or not. We've been together a lot of today for various reasons, we've talked a little but as of right now, officially I'm still "thinking things over." He's seemingly petrified I'm going to throw him out, he's cried three times today already and they're only the second time I've ever seen him cry in four years. Once was after we'd had a bit of a heavy talk earlier, and the other two were after we dropped one of the little ones off at the grandparents and he started talking about if it gets easier to leave a child (ie when you have weekend contact and you have to drop the child back off at the end of it.)

I still need to get to the bottom of what he is still hiding. He's gone out for an hour with his friend, so knowing what he's like when he's had a beer, I'm going to talk to him. I'm sure it's something to do with his phone, the only things I could think of were that he's deleted messages or calls, or possibly he has some photos or something like that I hadn't thought of previously. I hate having to do this- I'm really hoping I'm barking up the wrong tree and there IS nothing else because if there is, it's going to mean a serious think about things.

Oh and I messaged her on FB. I was going to tell her to get lost but I opted for the woman-to-woman tell-me-the-truth approach. Maybe it wasn't the best thing to do but it's done now.

I'm also compiling a list of things to do with him that include access to all passwords for things such as FB/phone account and access to his phone, no contact from him, and also total honesty, ie telling me straightaway if he has ANY kind of contact from her.

I plan to ask when he gets back for total lay-it-on-the-line honesty. I can't shake this gut feeling that something is still off; like I said, he seems to be offloading an awful lot of guilt for what he describes as a half-a-second kiss, and a fair bit has followed to say there was nothing in it: texting and FB befriending all in the space of one day besides anything else I don't know about.
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