i want to know how you figure out the division of labor in your home. ie - work, kids, finances, etc. who takes on what responsibility & how do you keep it fair? what about extracuricular activities? (i feel like all work & no play makes me a dull wife! no wonder why we have problems!) thanks!
i want to know how you figure out the division of labor in your home. ie - work, kids, finances, etc. who takes on what responsibility & how do you keep it fair? what about extracuricular activities? (i feel like all work & no play makes me a dull wife! no wonder why we have problems!) thanks!
When I list it all out, it's me who does most of the work around the house. I do the finances because a number of years ago when my husband was doing them, he just wouldn't get to them on time and we were paying all sort of late fees. Not because we didn't have the money but because he forgot to pay them by the due date. So I took over. I do the planning for meals and cook just about every day. I would say I plan about 75% of the outings, of which there are very few. We hired a gardener weekly to mow/blow, and a house cleaner every other week.
He helps with laundry, and recently has started doing dishes more often. He helps w/ the kiddo's homework, if he's home in time. He will put dishes into the dishwasher. Hmmm... yes, I do most of the work. But it's okay.
Since I started making changes in my life, things have gotten easier. One of the changes is to not keep score anymore. Something needs doing? I just do it. I don't worry about him doing less. If he sees something that needs doing, I would hope he would do it, and sometimes he does. My stress level has gone WAY down since I started not keeping score anymore.
i want to know how you figure out the division of labor in your home. ie - work, kids, finances, etc. who takes on what responsibility & how do you keep it fair? what about extracuricular activities? (i feel like all work & no play makes me a dull wife! no wonder why we have problems!) thanks!
From a my point of view, it's hard to evenly and fairly divide the responsibilities of the househould. I mean, if one still holds on to "old school" mentalities, well then you are kinda stuck. But if both do work (career, job, etc.), then I would break it down based on capabilities 1st and for most (who can do house repairs, garden, etc.), then after that, you can share (meaning trade off weekly of who does what) the duties of the house (like cooking, taking the trash out, bathing the kids, etc.).
i don't keep score either, other than the fact that i am run ragged while he goes out to do his fun activities without me & the kids! seems to me it's very uneven. who would need to keep score when it's like that. it's obvious! if he would take your suggestion of whatever needs done, he just does it, we would have a much better partnership. i would love that!!!
i do not have an "old-school" mentality. just wondered how everyone else approaches this issue. i was only looking for a new approach since the doormat approach isn't working for me. thanks!
Housework, cooking, cleaning, finances in the past was all me.
I did my/kids laundry, he did his.
Kids primarily me although he usually attended their functions and took them out individually at times.
This is my second marriage (3 kids from the first) and his first (he had no children prior and we did not together) so much of the set-up was just doing what we had before we met.
Now, it's really shared. We share in the finances, cleaning and he's fully involved with the kids. I work full-time from home so I cook on weeknights and the weekends they are here but he makes me breakfast on the weekends and when the kids aren't here we take turns cooking or go out. He leaves for work early and so do the kids to catch their bus, so he makes sure they are up in the morning and empties the dishwasher, cleans up the kitchen...when I do make it down in time, I'm usually just getting some coffee going (I'm not a morning person...never will be)
This came up when we started focusing on our marriage last year...I was feeling over-whelmed, we were both feeling unappreciated...and him picking up a lot of these things has enabled me to have more energy and time to plan some fun (he has also stepped up here as well) The bottom line is finding the balance where you both feel good that it's a partnership. Our kids are older now, so it's much easier for us...I know this is easier said than done when you have young children.
Before we were married, he worked full-time, and took complete care of where he lived, until it was immaculate, inside and out.
Now that we're married, although he still works full time, he no longer does ANY work arund the house (pretty much), except to take out the garbage! All the work he used to do he no longer does! (But he does take the time out to tell me I'm not doing a good enough job of the housekeeping).
i don't keep score either, other than the fact that i am run ragged while he goes out to do his fun activities without me & the kids! seems to me it's very uneven. who would need to keep score when it's like that. it's obvious! if he would take your suggestion of whatever needs done, he just does it, we would have a much better partnership. i would love that!!!
i do not have an "old-school" mentality. just wondered how everyone else approaches this issue. i was only looking for a new approach since the doormat approach isn't working for me. thanks!
Not you blue, him. Anything other than the old way is new. Try getting a dry eraser board, write down all of the duties with in the household, then you guys can talk over and agree to who is going to do what, and it will also show if it's fair overall.
This came up when we started focusing on our marriage last year...I was feeling over-whelmed, we were both feeling unappreciated...and him picking up a lot of these things has enabled me to have more energy and time to plan some fun (he has also stepped up here as well) wow, sounds like us (being unappreciated & overwhelmed)!
The bottom line is finding the balance where you both feel good that it's a partnership. Our kids are older now, so it's much easier for us...I know this is easier said than done when you have young children.
i wish my husband would see this. maybe one day i will get up enough courage to have him look at this forum! it would definitely do him some good. partnership is all i want! we do have young children, but we're not new at it with 4.
thanks for the reply. it seems like such common sense, huh?
Before we were married, he worked full-time, and took complete care of where he lived, until it was immaculate, inside and out.
Now that we're married, although he still works full time, he no longer does ANY work arund the house (pretty much), except to take out the garbage! All the work he used to do he no longer does! (But he does take the time out to tell me I'm not doing a good enough job of the housekeeping).
my hubby is kinda the same way. it's almost like he wanted us to be like his parents. his dad worked & mom did all house, kids stuff! our marriage is totally different. i suppose expectations kill all of us! goog luck & thanks for the reply!
Not you blue, him. Anything other than the old way is new. Try getting a dry eraser board, write down all of the duties with in the household, then you guys can talk over and agree to who is going to do what, and it will also show if it's fair overall.
KJ
sorry king! can you tell i am used to having criticisms sent my way? you have a point though! just as i said in the above post, he wanted me to act like his mom did in her marriage. that was way old school! anyway, i like the dry erase board idea. we'll see what happens! thanks!
I cook, She cleans (although she always complain about the mess I make when I cook) when she starts complaining too much about having to clean and I have to help, she has to help me cook,whether she likes it or not.
We both clean the house, we decide who will take what area or who keeps the baby busy while the other cleans.
She manages our finances, because if I did we would be homeless.
So, to be fair I clean the cat's litter box even though I would rather get rid of it, but I'm all about fairness.
I handle anything to do with the cars for some reason.
I play with the baby most of the time while my Wife tries to get away with sitting there ignoring him and me watching soaps or those other crappy woman shows like The Hills, American teenage pregnant chick, old 90210, etc., etc.
I had a talk to her about that just last night.
One of the changes is to not keep score anymore. Something needs doing? I just do it. I don't worry about him doing less. If he sees something that needs doing, I would hope he would do it, and sometimes he does. My stress level has gone WAY down since I started not keeping score anymore.
This is the approach ive started taking, also. It does take a ton of stress off. At first I tried to allocate what he should be doing, but that only created resentment and frustration between us.
Since then responsibilities in our marriage seem to have just fallen in place. He takes care of all the finances (which he's very good at) and I take care of things around the apartment, including the animals. I would actually like to cook more for him as it seems to make him happy.
Of course there are always things i can think of that i wish would be done, or that i dont want to do and wish he would. im sure he could think of a few also. but i cant think of anything that is so important that its worth creating resentment over.
I think when it comes to allocating responsibilities one should just let the other do what they do best naturally and compliment each other when its done.
1) Wage earner (Time at work)
Wife 40 hours work 20 college = 60 hours (doesn't include homework)
Me 30 hours in store + 20 hours from home = 50 hours
She makes twice as much as me with much better benefits
2) Household (Cleaning, cooking)
Wife 10-20%
Me 80-90%
3) Childcare
Wife 45% including busing the kids to and from school and getting them ready in the morning, minor homework help.
Me 55% including getting the kids to sleep at night and their meals any homework the wife can't figure out.
4) Outer House (Repairs, upkeep, lawn, trash, snow removal)
Wife (as needed or asked)
Me % Most of it unless I am overwhelmed
It works for us and is about fair, because all the things I hate to do she will do if I ask her, like putting away laundry.
i want to know how you figure out the division of labor in your home. ie - work, kids, finances, etc. who takes on what responsibility & how do you keep it fair? what about extracuricular activities? (i feel like all work & no play makes me a dull wife! no wonder why we have problems!) thanks!
I do everything, but hey, if someone wants to take over..call me.
who does what in your house? 
But it's okay.
