So I've posted lengthy topics as of recently and I'm at a cross road. My w and I have just had the biggest nuclear explosion in our relationship and I don't know what is going on. We've been apart for 12 day's with 0 contact. Legally since she got me in trouble I can't anyway. But last week (thursday) she wanted to meet/talk to me. Yesterday she talked to my attorney and said she still wished to have no contact, she also talked to my dad via txt and said she wasnt going to talk to me until I was civil, but also said she wasn't working things out, also I wasn't welcome in "her" our home. But she didn't say she wanted a divorce nor did she say for me to come pack up my stuff and move. I don't know what to do. A part of me says to wait for her but another part say's that she's got me by the balls and I should just file papers, and go for custody of my son. That might show her I don't need her and I'm serious. That may change her around. I really really don't want to get ugly I would still like to work things out but I have yet to get a straight "The marriage is over, I want him to come pack up his stuff and move. Or I want a divorce" I know shes not fiancialy ready to file anyway's she doesn't have the 3k+ to hire a lawyer. I've been grasping at straws for 2 weeks these 12 day's feel like years. I still love her but don't know if she still loves me. We have a 21 month old and she has a 10 year old from a previous marriage. My mind is in limbo. She may be in trouble herself for lying in court and giving false information to the cops to get me arrested. Do I just go all out and hope that she see's the errors or just go on like nothing ever happened?
So I've posted lengthy topics as of recently and I'm at a cross road. My w and I have just had the biggest nuclear explosion in our relationship and I don't know what is going on. We've been apart for 12 day's with 0 contact. Legally since she got me in trouble I can't anyway. But last week (thursday) she wanted to meet/talk to me. Yesterday she talked to my attorney and said she still wished to have no contact, she also talked to my dad via txt and said she wasnt going to talk to me until I was civil, but also said she wasn't working things out, also I wasn't welcome in "her" our home. But she didn't say she wanted a divorce nor did she say for me to come pack up my stuff and move. I don't know what to do. A part of me says to wait for her but another part say's that she's got me by the balls and I should just file papers, and go for custody of my son. That might show her I don't need her and I'm serious. That may change her around. I really really don't want to get ugly I would still like to work things out but I have yet to get a straight "The marriage is over, I want him to come pack up his stuff and move. Or I want a divorce" I know shes not fiancialy ready to file anyway's she doesn't have the 3k+ to hire a lawyer. I've been grasping at straws for 2 weeks these 12 day's feel like years. I still love her but don't know if she still loves me. We have a 21 month old and she has a 10 year old from a previous marriage. My mind is in limbo.
She may be in trouble herself for lying in court and giving false information to the cops to get me arrested. Do I just go all out and hope that she see's the errors or just go on like nothing ever happened?
She got you arrested but still love her ? seriously?
she seems to be a total drama queen, control freak and manipulator
NOW, listen to your other part
"say's that she's got me by the balls and I should just file papers, and go for custody of my son"
Your son wants a happy father who can take care of him and show him how to become a man. Divorce and be happy which will make him happy as well! Get peace of mind!
Then start dating and again. You might have a contribute on that mess, so work on yourself to be better MAN while dating. When you are confident enough to start a new relationship select your partner wisely.
Read my post "prevention is better than cure "
dont do the same mistake! find a chick who can make you happy! and again Get peace of mind!
"That might show her I don't need her and I'm serious. That may change her around."
So which is it??? Are you serious or do you want to change her around?
I have to agree with AnniversaryFight.
If she did this once, she will do it again. I would suggest that you arrange to get your stuff out of the house first, including financial records (or at least go on-line and get a snapshot of where you stand).
Once you do that, contact a lawyer and start the divorce process.
Well I made the decision today and filed the papers. I also filed emergency custody of my son as well as for the condo. I got a call that the cops wanted to talk to me again. Apparently my wife went and filed a police report claiming that I stole checks out of her check book in Feb and wrote them out. Whats funny is shes the one who said I could write them for my dental and storage payment. I never stole anything from my wife and this is the final straw. I'm filing harassment charges on her and going to also talk to a lawyer about her filing false information to a police officer. I just got a job yesterday and start work Friday. The police don't know if they are going to even charge me. I dont see any grounds for this other than she is worried that I will get custody of our son. The gloves are off now, I've never fought dirty but guess what. What goes around comes around and I'm playing my cards now and I wont tip my hand in this poker game.
I think I made a good choice. As far as dates I dont think I'll be dating anyone anytime soon. This has crushed me mentally and physically. Being a good Christian and thinking into the future maybe if my wife got her act together and sought help for her issues maybe if she decided to work on our marriage I would try. Just because to me and my faith I was married in a catholic church and that is something very sacred to me and I'm sure her because we share the same religion. As god say's to err is human to forgive is divine. I'm sure other people will bash me on this because of what shes done but honestly this is not my wife doing this. This is someone that I don't know a person I've never seen before. I know if it doesn't I will have to find the strength to carry on and let go but for me this has hit me very hard. I've lost a lot of weight I'm actually down below my highschool weight which I know isn't good.
If you turn this into a matter of "winning," your son will lose. That's the short answer.
Yes, take care of yourself. And yes, insist on 50/50 custody and placement of your child. But do not try to keep your child from his mother or to tarnish her in his eyes. It is the ONLY thing you can do to protect him from serious damage after divorce, b/c the damage comes from a child being used by spouses to punish each other. When you find yourself thinking, "But I'm just protecting him. . .' ask yourself what your partner has ever done that hurt him, other than leaving you and treating you badly? Because the latter part doesn't matter to HIM, she is still his mom and unless YOU keep bringing it up, he will not know what has happened between the two of you (and he shouldn't). He will learn his mom's true character from the way she treats him--and she may be a good mom even if she makes a lousy, unstable wife. Many people treat their kids MUCH better than they treat their spouses. Finally, even a crummy parent is loved and cherished by kids. As long as the parent isn't abusive to the child, or does not put the child at risk through alcohol or drug use, then the child needs regular contact with mom (and dad!!).
Turning this into "i'm gonna get her before she gets me" can backfire if you don't take every precaution to protect your CHILD first. Remember that when she is being a crazy b*tch--because that's when it is both hardest to remember, and most important.
I'm not out to smear my wife because I'm upset with her nor do I want to keep my son. But she's out of control and has no concern for our son. She's been out of control for a while now. I've been quiet about it for sometime now not saying anything because I know deep inside she is a good person. The real her died on march 16th and I don't know who this is. I still want her to be part of his life but I don't want her having full custody during her times now. She needs help. I'm not saying it will even come to that but she's out of control and this is the wake up call she needs. She filed another false police report yesterday and now I'm looking down the barrel of more BS. I'm just going to sit back and go the legal route I'm not out for revenge and nor do I want to use my son as a tool in our game. I just look for his best interest and well being. I believe he will be much safer with me, I dont drink, do drugs etc. We'll see how things turn out we don't have a hearing until the 18th and I can alway's withdraw the order. We'll see, only time will tell.
I don't have much advice that others haven't already given, but just wanted you to know that there were others here thinking about you.
Start going through the divorce prep websites. There is a lot of information about what to say/not to say and actions to do/avoid. If she ends up with a decent lawyer they will spin things like you would not believe. A good lawyer will have her lay traps for you to fall into. You need to be aware of them so you don't fall in.
You have to look out for yourself and be able to be there for your son. If she's called the police on you, I don't think there is a way to go back.
She can't afford a lawyer I know this. I am second guessing myself and I know that I did make a good decision at this point. I met with my priest yesterday and he said that it sounds like my w is very confused. Everyone I've talked to said the same thing. Someone mentioned the 7 year itch. Maybe I'm just in a deep denial but I still think there is a few threads holding on saying we might fix things. It will take a lot of hard work on both parties. But my friend once said. If she is your true life partner she will come back. My inlaws think we will be back together. All I know is she hasn't talked to anyone. Why not face me and say I want a divorce, lets make arrangements for the kids, lets make the arrangements for property etc. Why drag something like this out if you have your mind set on it. People said that I should pull the trigger to show that in my weakened state that I still have initiative. Maybe that will say wow he really will do this and make her take a step back. My w knows me all to well to think that I wouldn't go file. Does time change a person and there thinking? It's only been since the 17th and I haven't talked to my wife or had any contact and I know that we had talked at the beginning of the month about temporary separation and then see where our hearts were at. Our therapist said that we needed to go with each other and not away. But my wife said being away gives her time to think about things. I'm sure she's weighing the options right now on what to do with her life and the kids and how hard it will be on them. I know she's not ready to talk to me yet but in the sake of making and fixing my marriage I will have to give her the time, who knows maybe she will come around.
She can't afford a lawyer I know this. I am second guessing myself and I know that I did make a good decision at this point. I met with my priest yesterday and he said that it sounds like my w is very confused. Everyone I've talked to said the same thing. Someone mentioned the 7 year itch. Maybe I'm just in a deep denial but I still think there is a few threads holding on saying we might fix things. It will take a lot of hard work on both parties. But my friend once said. If she is your true life partner she will come back. My inlaws think we will be back together. All I know is she hasn't talked to anyone. Why not face me and say I want a divorce, lets make arrangements for the kids, lets make the arrangements for property etc. Why drag something like this out if you have your mind set on it. People said that I should pull the trigger to show that in my weakened state that I still have initiative. Maybe that will say wow he really will do this and make her take a step back. My w knows me all to well to think that I wouldn't go file. Does time change a person and there thinking? It's only been since the 17th and I haven't talked to my wife or had any contact and I know that we had talked at the beginning of the month about temporary separation and then see where our hearts were at. Our therapist said that we needed to go with each other and not away. But my wife said being away gives her time to think about things. I'm sure she's weighing the options right now on what to do with her life and the kids and how hard it will be on them. I know she's not ready to talk to me yet but in the sake of making and fixing my marriage I will have to give her the time, who knows maybe she will come around.
You said "My w knows me all to well to think that I wouldn't go file. Does time change a person and there thinking?"
She knows she is in control and you have nothing to do about it. She sees you like a doormat.
Answer to your question: Actions change a person more than words. Words will make people have temporary changes. with words and time she might come to you and say I am sorry and bla blah but after some time things back to where it was.
Show that you can fill the papers!!! Actions. She needs to know that you can live or not live with her! She needs to know that you are better without her as well! And leave!
Well my wife was the most caring and loving person I had ever met. She was alway's there for me when I needed her, emotionally and physically. Yes I have my own flaws that I have to fix but as I told her before it will be something that will take time. I changed more over the course of the month. Putting her needs 1st, doing things that she wanted, not getting angry, wanting to spend more time with her. I do feel like a door mat. She walked over me for over a month. I kept telling her I felt uncomfortable with her wanting to make going to her co workers house a bi weekly thing. I mentioned why not once a month with time for family and work. We even talked about getting involved with other couple's activities. She said bi weekly was not unreasonable and pretty much she wanted to do it. I also expressed my concern about an OM that I found she had been corresponding through FB with I said it made me feel uncomfortable especially since I didn't know who this person was. She told me it was just a mutual friend and there was nothing going on. I said that was fine but next time she went to her co workers I should go with I even said that maybe this OM and I should meet maybe we could become friends. She said the last time that it was girls only and I pretty much stayed home with the kids. When she came home at 4:30 am I told her that this kind of behavior was unacceptable. I was growing tired of it because she was spending less time with me and the kids. She put things off like she missed out on her party years, she had her first child when she was 20 etc. I explained that it was a part of growing up and drinking all the time just leads to trouble. I don't mind having a few beers myself after a long day at work etc but going out on odd times and getting trashed doesn't seem that fun. She said Well you used to be into going out to the clubs and having fun etc and now all we do is stay home. I told her that I still would like to go out and maybe we should find a sitter for the kids and do so. She blamed me for being controlling and alway's making her feel bad when she wanted to go do things with friends without me. I alway's told her that I can't tell her what to, I can't make her do anything. She could have easily gone with her friends and said too bad. I though found myself more attracted to my wife while going through change. I found myself loving her more, it was a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time. She even said that she was feeling more loved and that our relationship was getting better. What made it flop on the floor and start burning I will never know. My wife's co-worker and friend I think was a major contributer despite what she would say. I asked her friend if something was going on with this OM and if there were would she tell me. She said no, there's nothing going on and if there was she wouldn't tell me because my W is her friend. To me that's BS if I knew my friend was having an affair me being a good person would tell not because I want to cause problems but cheating in all aspects is just plain wrong. As for filing papers everyone says "Watch and see she's going to want to talk to you." Filing papers show's her that I wont be the door mat and her wake up call. All I know is that she told her parents she wants to start going back to church, which she is taking the kids today. That to me is a good beginning point because when her and I were going to church things in the relationship alway's looked up. I know she's going to the same church we got married in as well. Maybe she is taking baby steps. I even think she's looked into seeing her own counselor as well. Time will tell I hope she can sort things out before the first court hearing and I'll just walk in and withdraw the papers.
The always present OTHER MAN: Check
The dreaded facebook contacts: Check
Spending time at "friends" houses regularly (and pressuring to make it a regular thing: Check
False allegations: Check
Restraining order: Check
Got you out of the house: Check
Staying out late: Check
Staying out late drinking: Check
Staying out late drinking with said man from facebook (probably already or soon to be happening): Check
You turning into a complete COWARD BETA MALE GIVING IN TO ALL HER DEMANDS: check
She STILL isn't happy: CHECK
Marriage made in heaven.. go ahead and retract those papers and and while you are at it castrate yourself. You don't need to actually have sex with her or any other woman anymore anyway, just make sure everything is paid for while you continue to be her punching bag while she dolls herself up to be sexy for other men and give them all her affection. Is that the man you want to be when you look into the mirror? Id rather be burned at the stake than be her husband.
That is how it looks to an outside party who will tell you the truth my friend. Don't take it as an insult.. take it as a wake up call. STOP BEING A DOORMAT. You have already shown her that you will do anything to keep her even after her DOWNRIGHT EGREGIOUS BEHAVIOR for ANY WOMAN much less a wife. Are you insane? Forget counseling, forget talking it out, forget any of it. File the papers and move on. SHE IS FINISHED AS A WIFE. Ask any man who has been through your situation, and there are 100s of them on this board. Find out how many of them "worked it out" and it got better. IT NEVER GETS BETTER.. its over. Sorry to be so blunt but I want to help men in your situation because I have seen it so many times and the only way to come out on top is to leave and find a better woman.
Peace of mind? 
