He came up, gave me a big hug and kiss and told me he was sorry we had an argument. I said that it was ok, he didn't need to apologize as he didn't do anything wrong (his words during the fight) and he walked off. I basically rejected his apology.
He came up three minutes later and tried it again. Again, I rejected his apology. You could tell he was frustrated and angry that I didn't accept his apology.
Notice he didn't say he was sorry for anything HE did, just that we had an argument. That still leaves it in the realm of 'i'm sorry you are such a $*#(# that we had an argument. Not good enough for me, thanks.
No sex won't be a problem, as I'm the ONLY one that initiates sex any more.
He'll notice when he asks to help me and I say no. He likes to feel 'useful'.
I'm trying to figure out how to get him out of my bed right now.
If and when i take a man to my bed, I expect him to want me, love me, cherish me, play with me, flirt with me, and have sex with me. I expect him to tell me and show me these things often and well!
Right now, he feels that he's entitled to be in my bed because he's my roommate. I'm no longer comfortable with that. He will get pissed off if i kick him out of the bed, but oh well.
I'm just trying to figure out how to do that in such a way as I get some healthy boundaries but not upset him so much he blows up and tries to ruin me. it's a pretty delicate situation right now.
I know this has been beaten to death, but why WHY would you apologize to him when he was the one doing hurtful things to you? Why are you apologizing to him when he walked away in the middle of a conversation?
I pretty much never apologize to my husband. If we have a misunderstanding or my feelings are hurt, I don't apologize for feeling how I feel. Unless I intentionally do something to hurt him there's nothing to apologize for.
I just don't get how you can't see this in your own posts. See how every action leads to the opposite action of what an emotionally normal person would do. If you read it over like a novel, happening to somebody else, what would you think?
I apologized because I was told by the marriage counselor that it doesn't matter WHO initiates the apology, just that a loving dialog is opened.
To an extent, I agree with that. I didn't apologize for him hurting me, just for my part in the problem. I was snippy and snide and very angry when he was rude to me. I had a choice of how to react. I could have done several other things to smooth things over, but I was hurt and reacted in a negative way.
In a normal, healthy relationship - when one person gets hurt by another's actions, I see nothing wrong in going and saying - honey, you really hurt my feelings back there, can we talk about it?
Hopefully, with enough good communication, that kind of hurt wouldn't happen. But it's bound to happen some times.
Would that I was loved enough and secure enough that I didn't HAVE to be the one to apologize. would that I could play the role of the typical female - chased and the quarry. Where the man is the hunter and I am the desired prey.
In that instance, the female is revered for her gifts - usually revolving around giving him sex - and he gladly does all these things to get it. Loves her, showers her with gifts, praise, ardor etc. She remains haughty (I pretty much NEVER apologize to my husband) being a very good example. If you are the one who is desired, you don't need to apologize to get the reaction you want - love, desire, sex, etc.
But in my situation, the dynamic is all screwed up. I'm not pursued by the male, he's not acting like a man 'should'. I'm rejected by him and seen as unworthy of the male 'attention'.
Reversing the roles doesn't help. Me pursuing him just leaves him feeling emasculated and me feeling un-cherished and un-desired. Frankly, I deserve better.
When I read over my posts like a novel I see a woman who is bending over backwards, over and over to try and get thru to the man she fell in love with. I see her changing, over and over to meet what he says are his needs. I see him shutting her out. I see him neglecting her, being deliberately cruel to her mostly thru inaction then blaming her for it covertly.
I see that she tries, over and over to give him chances to 'cut it out' but that he doesn't.
I see her know she wants and needs change but unsure how to get it. I see her trying to rekindle the sex life and him rejecting her advances.
Finally I see her say 'ok, i'm done' and trying to figure out the messy business of untangling herself from this mess without being afforded the usual and customary method of just 'cutting the ties that bind' by kicking him and his kids out and starting over.
Somehow, someway - I need to be able to set healthy limits without causing any MORE legal troubles. Not an easy task.
I want him out of my bed. I don't sleep with my roommates. He feels the bed is half his as my roommate. Not sure how to deal with that. But I will NEVER get my worth back as a woman - male pursues woman for sex - if I have a lazy selfish ex lover taking up the real estate in my bed.
The rest of it is fairly easy. It will require alot of monetary changes, as right now we work in the same business from home - and share expenses that way rather than paying ourselves a salary.
I want him out of my bed. I don't sleep with my roommates. He feels the bed is half his as my roommate. Not sure how to deal with that. But I will NEVER get my worth back as a woman - male pursues woman for sex - if I have a lazy selfish ex lover taking up the real estate in my bed.
Finally, the light comes on
Personally, I would never share a bed with someone who did not want sex with me.
what an interesting night. More fights, more arguments, more bs.
Finally, I told him - look, i'm sick of fighting you for YOU. Either we go upstairs, now, get undressed, lay in bed and hug each other and start really TALKING or I'm outta here. Those weren't my exact words, but that was the idea.
Well, he did it. I said we need to do this for a week, at least, then re-evaluate.
Found out alot of things.
1. He's pissed because he thinks i've been snooping on his pc. I have and told him so. No, i'm not sorry I did it. I asked him about the redheaded thing. He said some men look at Ferrari's, he looks at redheads. Doesn't mean anything. Hmmmm. I'll take that under advisement.
2. He's depressed about his libido. He has no idea why he doesn't want sex any more. He doesn't even masturbate anymore. When we were dating, he did several times a week, and we still had sex 3x a day. Now he says even looking at the girls on the internet doesn't do it for him. It's not physical, but he doesn't know what it is.
3. He's depressed because he hurt his knee and thinks he'll never be able to play his sport again. his words "I can't fuc*, I can't fight... what's the use?"
Mark, I'm still willing to try that. He's not so convinced.
He initiated sex last night, and it was amazing. he was attentive, on, there was actual foreplay. He came too soon, but that's normal and I don't stress over it much.
He worries about that much more than I do. But last night, I asked him to help me come after he did and he was willing to do so.
Although there are no hard and fast rules, men should generally make a woman come first before themselves, because once a man has come, there is no sexual charge there for him. Whereas by getting you to cum first, your orgasm is "out of the way" and he can come in his own time. This often has the perverse effect of making the man last longer, because there is no pressure to perform or last longer.
A lot of guys are happy to make their woman cum after coitus, so there is no problem. But there are many men who loose all interest after their own orgasm. These selfish men can be led by their dix simply by making them do their "duty" first - or it's no dice baby
They may complain, but not for long.
Keep up the new firmness - it obviously seems to be working.
He is def on the 'lose interest after orgasm type.' we'll work on that.
On a better note, we actually managed to talk last night. I think we've turned a corner. and in a good way
I had to 'get his attention' again with firmness - not my preferred method. but once i hit him over the head with the verbal frying pan, he's 'awake' and i can tell him what i need to. worked, so i'm not complaining.
He even said he loved me. Could have knocked me over with a feather!
I'm genuinely insulted! I spent over an hour summarizing this agonizing journey, and I even made up a cool limerick, and all I get is a "thats nice, but".
You will ALWAYS have a "but", won't you. There will always be a reason why you can't do this or can't do that.
Lets take your current list of excuses:
1. He's never been physically abusive. (He HAS, however been mentally and emotionally abusive).
2. He's a good father and decent roommate (for the level of sex you say you'll provide, as well as the other nice things you do, I bet 95% of men out there would be superb fathers and roommates)
3. He says he cares for me, loves me (in his way, not mine) and that he wants me to be happy (are you happy snix?)
4. Since Dec 2, he's really turned around and tried very hard to be more open, honest and affectionate. He still doesn't see me as a woman, and I doubt he ever will, but the honest affection is there now. (just like it happened the last 2 times)
5. I'm still unhappy about the lack of sexual attention, but unsure how far I am willing to go to get it. Get a divorce just because of lack of sex? That seems rather selfish to me. (on the contrary, Selfish is WITHHOLDING something you KNOW your partner craves. I have often said that it is unfair that a cheater gets told off, but the partner who withheld and starved her spouse for months/years gets off blameless)
6. Because I'm dealing with a rather strange legal case with my ex (not hubby) I cannot get divorced at the moment anyway. My ex is trying to get our Divorce of 2005 set aside and declare that we are still legally married (we never were in the first place) in order to get half of everything I have now (more than I had when we seperated in 2002) long story. (I find it EXTREMELY suspicious that this detail has only come up now).
I also want to know how that one ended, and why?
---How do i deal with the next 5-6 months of living with a kind roommate while going thru this nonsense with my ex until such time as I have leave to worry about my wants and needs again?---
You kick him out! You can be married and live separately. Don't bother giving us any "I can't afford it" excuses, because if you DO divorce him, you will need to be on your own a while anyway.
---Are you deliberately misunderstanding me?---
I submit the possibility that snix is perfectly happy exactly where she is. She gets to play the victim and troll up sympathies, all the while finding reasons why advice won't work for her.
---I will not kick him out of the house (I promised him that)---
Geez... you don't need him to undermine you, as you undermine yourself!
---I want to make it clear that I don't want to be treated like dirt ----
No you don't. You WANT to be treated like dirt. If you TRULY did not want to be treaed like dirt, you would not ALLOW him to treat you like dirt using one of the many suggestions made to you.
You constantly ask (or reword) questions that have already been answered, and you ignore the answers you know to be true because you hope that someone will offer some magic word that will fix everything instantly. You use insignificant details to mask the true problems. For example:
What do I do when
1. he says 'good morning dear' (it doesn't matter)
2. when he tries to peck me on the cheek when he leaves (it doesn't matter)
3. when he asks if i want something from the store (it doesn't matter)
Because all of the above are petty insignificant details compared to the full magnitue of what is really going on in your house.
Not only that, every single one of these problems can be solved by booting him OUT!
---I know i've told you at least once - NO---
Well gee snix... you ask US the same questions over and over when you don't believe the answer you receive. Surely you won't deny us the same privilege? Then again, you live with double-standards every day...
As far as the bed thing... bring another dude home tonight! That will kill 2 birds with one stone.
---I'm just trying to figure out how to do that in such a way as I get some healthy boundaries but not upset him so much he blows up and tries to ruin me. it's a pretty delicate situation right now.---
Its very kind (doormat kind) of you to consider HIS feelings in this matter, when he has done nothing to address the lack of sex that you have complained to him about for 3+ months. It is also proof that you are not "done" and you have already blown your Jan 1st resolution (and at 5:47 AM!!!!!)
OK, I'm happy that things (for now) seem to be going well (as they have in the past when he changes moods).
I have to point out that this may just be the latest in a string of manipulation.
---I had to 'get his attention' again with firmness - not my preferred method. but once i hit him over the head with the verbal frying pan, he's 'awake' and i can tell him what i need to. worked, so i'm not complaining.---
I also have to point out (as has been said) that you are getting results BECAUSE you are being firm.
Think of it this way, just like YOU are expecting him to believe that him cumming a bit early is not a big deal (it seems unbelievable to him, but you know it to be true), is EXACTLY like US telling YOU to believe that being firm does NOT make you a negative B (which seems obvious to us, but YOU don't think so).
There is nothing wrong with being firm, especially after what you have been through.
I had to 'get his attention' again with firmness - not my preferred method. but once i hit him over the head with the verbal frying pan, he's 'awake' and i can tell him what i need to. worked, so i'm not complaining.
This is to be expected. Firmness always works. When you find something that works, keep doing it, get better at it, and do it some more. Then do it again just for Chopbloc & me
I'm really glad it's going better. Press home your advantage and keep going.
Re: How to get the Truth out of Man... 
