I think it's got to be time to talk to him about moving out.
Once you make up your mind about this, you can issue an ultimatum if you want - because you will have nothing to loose. He will either do a deal with you, or call your bluff. Until you reach that point it's going to stay as it is. Good luck.
With him it can't be a bluff. He will go. He told me six months ago he wanted to go, and he's been making DAMN sure he doesn't fall back in love with me so he might just want to stay.
It wouldn't matter what ultimatum I issued, he just wants to leave. He's like a little kid that's been pouting because he couldn't have the ice cream he wanted. Today, looking for some business paperwork I came across a 'secret' folder of about 8GB of redhead porn. Why Hide it? I don't give a hoot what he watches. But it shows me he's still not being honest with me.
He's been 'trying' and cordial all week. but you can see it's a pain for him. he has to remind himself to hug me. twice today when he left he just 'left'. he never ever used to do that when he liked me.
I'm just trying to figure out if it's worth it to stay for the kids. That's a toughie. His kids adore me now, even the teenager. my kids love having a dad around and he's great with the baby.
Snix11... you need some tough love. This is RIDICULOUS!
You had a well constructed plan, and you allowed him to break it with no consequence. Do you think he is going to suddenly switch gears?
I think he has life pretty well figured out. He can do pretty much what he wants, with no significant penalties, and you'll just keep trying. He has even told you he wants out, and you are begging to keep him around... What a sweet deal for him!
---surely there is a compromise here somewhere?---
The only way you are REALLY going to get anything you want is from someone else. You are trying to force this man to do something he obviously doesn't want to do. Its not like this is an image thing, or a disability thing... he has no reason to reject you like this.
Have you tried to make new friends and expand YOUR circle? I feel so bad seeing you want something from someone who just doesn't want to give you what you deserve. It makes me feel like I'm back in elementary school where I'd have a huge crush on a girl and she wouldn't like me back, and I'd just have to deal.
Please, dump this guy. The kids would do better in a split home with happy parents than in a united home with tense parents. Do you want the girls to grow up thinking that its normal for a man to take and take but never give, and that they should just keep trying? Do you want your sons to learn to treat women well only when its convenient?
Well, he did say, you could get some else where. It's one of his few redeeming features. Most men in this situation expect their wives to behave like nuns. I think you should consider taking him up on it. But you had better touch base with him first.
When he's in a good mood, say honey, I've been thinking about what you said... and see if he is still up for it. Be real nice when you say it, and make sure if you intend to do it, it's not to get back at him, it's merely to have fun.
If he is, then you should never try to get him to have sex with you again. But go out and find someone. Get on with it before you get any older.
Been an interesting week. We planned things again, and he actually stuck to some of them! what a surprise.
Mon - planned sex. didn't happen. but I had a sore throat and he was being 'kind'.
Tues - out to a piano bar. six hours went by awfully fast. He sat on the other side of the table, but held my hand occasionally.
Wed - snuggle time. 20 minutes. was 'nice'
Thurs - went out to dinner and watched a movie at home. was... well, nice. nothing special.
Friday - I was feeling rather sick - have strep throat this week, yuck! we had planned to go out so we went to Dave and Busters. Too much money spent, but shuffleboard was fun.
Saturday - Took the kids to a carnival and corn maize. was fun and family like.
Sunday - went to six flags with hubby. He actually played footsie with me in line a few times. Flirting?! After five hours wandering around the park, we finally left. I held his hand, he said "it's about time" I mentioned that street does run both ways and he just "hrumphed". men. go figure.
So we spent way too much money and he was nice most of the time, almost flirted with me a few times.
It was an easier week, but sometimes I feel like i'm pulling teeth just to get the minimum amount of attention.
never the less, seems like a good week all in all.
Now this week he's back to barking at me, starting fights and trying to tell me i'm starting them (i'm not buying into it) and storming off when I don't take the bait and leaving me with the kids, dogs, house and business to deal with by myself while he goes and listens to audio books in the car somewhere for hours.
To make matters worse, he's been chatting with a girl he knows and keeps turning off the screen when i walk by. Um, honey, I'm not that stupid, k?
The chatting isn't even that big of a deal, just her flirting with him and him enjoying it. Nothing I would take offense at. It's his hiding it from me that bothers and worries me.
He's also back on the porn trail - of course trying to tell me he's not.
Frankly the most frustrating thing in all this is his shutting me out.
I'm a good person, a great mom, a damn good business head, a sexy beast in bed, willing to please and very VERY forgiving of just about anything. However, I do have my limits.
I find myself getting angry and cranky and having to count to 10 more and more often. I feel like my whole life is passing me by while I wait for this guy to decide if he wants me or not. And i'm getting a little sick of waiting!
Sometimes I feel like I should just be more positive and patient. Be nice, be sweet, never nag, never complain, never argue. Only say nice things. I've been trying that for SIX FRICKIN MONTHS. With a minimum amount of success. Other than his not bringing up that he's leaving every week, and us not really at each others throats every other day, I wouldn't say it's been a very positive change. I've been very nice. very sweet. very kind. But that's really not.. um... "me". I DO complain sometimes, or at least feel like i want to, especially when I don't get enough affection, love or sexual fulfillment. How on earth do I stick up for my 'rights' in this case? Do i have any rights?
I want sex, love, romance, affection, fun and closeness. I'm willing to work for it, and give at least as good as I get! we spent over 500.00 last week doing all these 'dates' and we got 'a little' closer. By the end of the week I got a mild footsie flirt. Doesn't seem fair! I found myself thinking how far 500 would go with an escort service
Then again, maybe I'm just too demanding.
Which is worse? The predicament or my insecurity? lol.
Anyway, it's 3am and I'm still working because that *insert you know what word here* decided to take off again tonight when I wouldn't fight with him and now he's snoring peacefully while I do the reports he was supposed to do three weeks ago. So i'm doing my job AND his. And not getting any lovin for it!
Guys, how do you stand it? If he ever finally dumps me, I'm going for one of those guys that the ex-wives always complain about that "always" wanted sex. You know, He wants it ALL the time. heh. I'll make it my sworn duty to wear him out
Once upon a time my husband nicknamed me WIW for wantonly insatiable wench. He at the time was WIW also - for Wantonly insatiable warrior. The warrior may have sheathed his sword, but I fully intend to live up to my titular duties
! After five hours wandering around the park, we finally left. I held his hand, he said "it's about time" I mentioned that street does run both ways and he just "hrumphed". men. go figure.
I know he's a son of a b***, but why do you always shoot him down, when you could have built something sexy out of the above?
I have noticed at least twice that there is a strange dynamic you two have. Just when sex and affection is on the table, one of you or both of you do something to sabotage it.
My verdict: Could do better! (Personally, from the way you tell it, I would be gone, I were in your... ahem, shoes)
Keep up making the sex appointments, and try to see where you are sabotaging it. It might also be instructive to chart the downfall of your sex life. Pinpoint the exact time it fell of a cliff. What was going on. What were the pressures, how were YOU treating him at the time.?
Quote:
Originally Posted by snix11
If he ever finally dumps me, I'm going for one of those guys that the ex-wives always complain about that "always" wanted sex. You know, He wants it ALL the time. heh.
Considering that he is flirting with other women, AND keeping you on short rations, your sentence should start with "If I ever dump him"
If your self esteem where higher, he would probably respect you more. He is just reflecting your own view that you're worthless. A good husband would not be able to reflect your worthlessness in that way, he would tell you to "get a life" instead, and try and bolster you. You are going to have to bolster yourself, but at least you've got us on this forum to love you up.
Im not sure what your history with you SO is, but SOMETHING is obviously going on if he's treating you this way. Silent treatments?? Thats so immature! No sex? Why? Your his partner, your the one that he's suppost to LOVE. Why on earth is he making every excuse under the sun NOT to make love to you? Yes, there is definitely something going on. Red flags flying all over the place.
I agree with you that he is deliberately sabotaging any efforts to make your marriage work...and if he's not working with you, but against you...its a lossing battle that you'll never win.
Also, you mentioned house hunting? That would be the LAST thing I would be doing with someone that is not willing to put 100% effort into the marriage as you are.
Bee - The house hunting was his idea. I thought it was really strange that he would tell me he wanted to leave and then a few months later would want to go house hunting with me without ever telling me he had changed his mind. Unfortunately, we are not at a point where we can talk about that without him shutting down.
Mark -
Quote:
I know he's a son of a b***, but why do you always shoot him down, when you could have built something sexy out of the above?
I have noticed at least twice that there is a strange dynamic you two have. Just when sex and affection is on the table, one of you or both of you do something to sabotage it.
huh. I didn't realize i did that. I had waited allllllllll day for him to hold my hand, kiss me, touch me or do anything. He's told me several times that HE wants to be the one to be the aggressor physically and sexually. He tells me he feels uncomfortable when I initiate. So I was trying to let him initiate rather than 'throwing myself at him' and making him feel obligated to respond.
When we were dating and he was feeling normal and sexy, he always initiated and was all over me. Yeah, I loved it. I could occasionally initiate, but you could tell he liked the "hunt". So I've tried to back off and let him be the initiator. But he's not initiating. I think he still wants to be, but something is keeping him from it. I just don't know what.
When I finally got fed up and held his hand on the way out the park, I fully expected him to reject me like he usually does. He didn't, which surprised me. He didn't drop my hand or make a face. I smiled at him and kept holding his hand as we walked along. After about 15 seconds he said "it's about time" in a friendly way. I smiled back at him too. I didn't quite know what to say, but I wanted to let him know that it was ok for him to hold my hand sometimes too. So I just said "you know, that street does run both ways" in my most friendly and joking tone. Not hostile or anything.
He hrumphed but kept holding my hand. How did I sabotoge it? what did i do wrong? what should i have done instead? I certianly didn't mean to make him feel 'shot down' and he didn't act like i did.
Your husband is cheating on you in thought, word, and possibly deed. No wonder he offered you an open relationship. He's already having one - so at least he's fair.
Your predicament is typical of the genre. You meet some hot guy, he moves you 3000 miles from your social network, and then abuses you to the point of tragedy. All the time you are trying to get him to have sex with you.
He is blatantly cybering other chicks over the internet, yet you think so little of yourself that you still wonder ho you can "fix it up". The cybering would not be so bad if you did not mind and he was warm, affectionate and sexual with you, but he twists his words to suit his thinly veiled contempt of you.
What all this shows is that the value you place on yourself as a person and a wife is zero. Why?
Whoa. what did i miss? Last post you were telling me not to shoot him down now you are telling me i'm an idiot for staying.
What gives?
Quote:
Your predicament is typical of the genre. You meet some hot guy, he moves you 3000 miles from your social network, and then abuses you to the point of tragedy. All the time you are trying to get him to have sex with you.
the genre? Pardon me?
he didn't move me anywhere. He moved in with me.
I didn't have a social network. I don't see he abused me, although he swears I manipulated, controlled and abused HIM.
We had sex like lemmings for the first six months we were together.
I don't see how your above reference fits my case. Esplain
loveandmarriage - Um... where does one cultivate girlfriends? I work from home, I don't know anybody, I don't have any living family and the only friends i had from college live on the other side of the US. Not sure what kind of group/?? I can join or meet people.
I've been living in San Antonio now for 8 years. I've always worked from home, rarely go out (always working or caring for kids) and don't know anybody except "his" friends and i've only met them a few times.
Suggestions?
I read a lot of threads here, and I may have mixed you up with someone else, but the above indicates, you live far from your friends. 3000 miles?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkTwain
Basically, if he won't do sex tonight, I would call it a day! But stick to your guns. Just keep up the initiation, and make sure you get sex. Once you get it once, make sure to get it again 2 days later. When he sees that your demands are not going to go away, he may actually relax. He is testing you. Also, looking at your history, one of you, will try to provoke a fight so that sex becomes an impossibility.
So remember, no arguments no nagging. No sabotaging things before they even get started. So I am suggesting you back down on everything else for now, and just focus on getting the sex back. You need to be firm in that one area. But once your actually in bed, be nice obviously. You used to give him a bj... why can't that be foreplay? A lot of couples do that because it makes lube unnecessary. DO NOT make him cum by BJs until he has earned that privilege.
As you can see from the above, I have been consistent all along. I think you are married to a jerk but I have tried to rack my brains for strategies to get any normal man into bed. Personally, I think only an ultimatum will do it. And if he called your bluff, what would you loose?
Quote:
Originally Posted by snix11
I don't see he abused me, although he swears I manipulated, controlled and abused HIM.
.
.
.
I don't see how your above reference fits my case. Esplain
If you can't see that refusing you sex, saying it's him, not you, and then having cyber sex with a redhead is not abuse, then you need to go back to university.
Re: How to get the Truth out of Man... 
Re: How to get the Truth out of Man... 
