I would not cross question him at all. Pretend it was a normal night. As for the retention, you should say - there is something I want to try on you... I have heard it drives a man wild to be denied an ejaculation. Or if you want to go the dominatrix route - "I want to try an experiment on you..."
The best way to start - but you need the time - is to have sex 3 times in a day, and let him come only on the last occasion.
Do not tell him this, but I suspect he likes to be sexually dominated. Tell him you like the way his balls look, and that you want to see them again. Be a bit bossy, but choose your moments carefully.
Whew... tall order. I'll see what I can do. Last night, just for an experiment, I played with him just enough to get him hard, then went back to cuddling. You could tell he didn't really want sex and was wondering what the heck I was doing (he didn't ask) and when I went to cuddling he said he was tired and rolled over to read. This morning he seemed happy and cuddly like normal. We'll see.
If you can keep that up, and not let him ejaculate on his own, he will get very horny. Every time a man gets an erection from stimulation, but does not cum, semen builds up, and the pressure creates a background of horniness.
Same last night, but I told him what I was doing. He seemed skeptical and acted like "not come? are you crazy?" I asked him how he had felt today (after getting hard but not coming) and he said "oh" like he hadn't thought about it. Then last night, again, got him hard, then just cuddled with him. He didn't ask for anything more, didn't try to do anything with me. He didn't seem "horny" per se, but was affectionate back to me (not sexually, but holding me and rubbing my arm) but after he fell asleep, he was all over me, moving to my side of the bed, cuddling, throwing his arm and leg over me etc. NOT sexual in any way, but more of a subconcious "where is she" kind of move. It was very nice.
This morning, he was much more affectionate, but you could tell it was more subconscious rather than planned. I don't think he even realizes what is happening.
He's about to go oversees on a business trip for two weeks in a few days (not sure exactly when, we are waiting for the tickets) Should I suggest he keep up the "training" while he's there, or let him come before he leaves and just pick up where we left off or what? I would hate to loose him in Greece with all those women he loves and being too horny!
No, don't let him cum. Keep it going, he will no doubt be jacking off in the hotel. But if you could get him to see if he can not cum until he comes back - promise him a BJ when he comes back or something. I don't know, use your feminine whiles. But if he cums while he is away, it's no big deal.
As you will see in GuiltyGirl's latest thread it is vital to be nice and welcoming when he comes in the door after his business trip. The first 5-10 minutes are vital on homecoming.
By the way, a man who practices semen retention should do kegels 3 times a week. This not only makes up for the lack of contractions of the PC & BC muscles, it also produces a firmer erection. You can start with a little as 25 contractions twice a week.
The best way a man can learn them is by making his flaccid twitch up and down. The larger the movement, the more focused the contraction is on the correct muscle group.
I do 100 contractions 3 times a week. Doing too many cases fatigue, and the erection will be worse. However, stopping for 6 days, causes it to come back with a vengeance! It's best to get a moderate routine going.
Will try again tonight... been a nice day, he's been more affectionate than ever, if not sexual towards me. I seem to be taking the lead, but he's not complaining this time. Shrug.. who knows?
Granted I like him to take the lead too, i'm NOT a Dominatrix at all, more of a sub, but darnit, somebody has to do something!
I really thought things were going well -
10-23 - Getting along better across the board. Little things that used to make us fight aren't as big of a deal. Affection keeps me very happy with him, sex initiated by him (sexual interest and admiration) gets us into the I think i could love you's. Fighting/arguing is a mild negative, his ignoring me and flirting with other girls gets a huge negative. Tried again to be sexual. Paul turned to me and asked in a very derisive tone "why ARE you doing this?" like he was disgusted by it, didn't like it. certianly didn't appreciate it. I got so hurt and angry by it. he REJECTED ME.
While i was doing this thing for him, he turned to me and said: "Why ARE you doing this?" in the most nasty derisive tone i've ever heard. I tried to laugh it off, saying "any complaints?" with a smile. He just said "whatever". So I tried honesty: "because it is supposed to make you wild for me and honestly your needing me and desiring me is really important to me." Again he answered, "whatever".
I backed off and rolled over. He didn't try to talk or touch me or anything. The next day he is cold and distant to me.
10-25 - He and I go to a party at his friends house. While we are there, his teenage son calls and offered to lie to me so that dad could (potentially) get his nut off with a hot redhead. H heard and called him "stupid" but didn't ever say anything else to me or to the teen. Didn't even try anything sexual with H, too depressed. I was so hurt and rejected by him. On the way home I drove and he noticed I was crying. He asked me why, I said I couldn't talk about it.
That night, he just rolled over and ignored me.
10-26 - H acting weird. Started a fight in the am. Acting guilty and weird. Will come up to me, hug me later and say he's sorry, but when I try to engage with him - talk or whatever - he just walks away and shuts the door in my face. This happened three times. it's like he's trying to show what a great guy he is, see i'm apologizing.. but i hate her and i'm not going to talk to her or be close to her. Later he called this "kissing ass" and says he hates himself when he does it.
10-27 - Fights all day today. I'm angry, depressed and Fed up. He's rejecting me sexually, emotionally and socially. I can't put up with this any more. Found out he's been spending time on the net on redhead "shrine" porn sites. He writes to them and calls the girls "perfect". He's also been doing net searches for "women looking to **** in San Antonio". Hasn't mentioned anything to me about it. Did ask me why I was angry today. I was too angry to talk to him about it. He hurt his knee and when I asked if he needed help, he said no. then asked his daughter to help him. (more rejection) He derisively said later - CHRIST, are you STILL jealous over that?? I said, I offered to help you, why didn't you let me. He answered he wanted to bond with his daughter and wanted help from someone he loved. uh, ooook.
Later I started a talk with him, trying to figure out why he was rejecting me and treating me like dirt. He told me when he WAS nice to me, it was only because he didn't want to start a fight, and if he was affectionate it was because "I needed it" not that he wanted to. He doesn't love me, doesn't want to, will NOT open up to me (his words) etc. I asked him why he doesn't hold me at night. He said he 'allows' me to hold him because he thinks i "need" it but that he doesn't hold me back because he's angry that i've been a '*****' sometime that day or maybe sometime that week.
I asked him why not talk to me about it so I can change my behavior (he wouldn't say what I was this '*****' about and I didn't remember any arguments) and he said he wouldn't tell me because it didn't matter because he was NOT going to forgive me and didn't see any reason to.
SO. When we did have sex and he was affectionate to me he was only doing it to 'kiss my ass' and doesn't love me, doesn't want me and is angry at me for being a '*****' all the time and is angry at himself for 'kissing my ass' by ever being nice. I see.
Then he tells me the other reason he won't hold me back is because it's not 'safe' for him to do so. He won't open up to me when we are getting along because he's afraid that sometime in the future (may be months or years - his words) anything he does that is good or bad will come back to bite him. (huh??) he refused to explain that.
He says that when we are getting along he is the most scared because he just KNOWS something will go wrong. That's the time he says he has to 'remind' himself how really awful I am and goes and looks up women to go out with in town. SIGH...
I feel like i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't.
And any time over the last few weeks he's been kind, nice, affectionate or sexual he tells me he's been FAKING it. WHAT???
So here I am, stunned, hurt beyond measure, realizing I can't even trust him being nice to me. I go thru the day in a haze.
10-28 - He comes up to me and gives me this big hug in the afternoon and says he's 'sorry we fought'. i reply with 'you don't have to kiss my ass.' he says he's not, he's really sorry. So I say ok and hug him back. He's very nice the rest of the day to me. (WHAT?)
That night, I go to bed first. He comes to bed after I'm asleep and cuddles me. I mean full body holding ME. He NEVER DOES THIS. And all this after telling me that other stuff? WTF??
I put up with the snuggling, trying to figure it out, but find it impossible to really enjoy it. THen he puts his HAND IN MY CROTCH.. After he just got done telling me the night before that he didn't want me, didn't desire me, didn't like me, would never be romantic with me etc. WTF?? My gut feeling was "I don't trust you" I put his hand away gently and rolled over to hold him.
He then rolls over and ignores me till now - 3am when i'm up because I'm so damn confused.
What's WITH this guy???
Does he love me? Hate me? Just trying to manipulate me? Feeling guilty for telling me the truth? Feeling guilty for telling me lies to hurt me? WHAT??????
He also knows we have a marriage counselor meeting Thursday. He often is 'nice' to me in the few days preceding the session.
I have NO idea what to think. But I DON'T trust him. I want to be able to accept his love, affection and attention but he keeps telling me that when he does that he doesn't MEAN it, and feels he is just 'kissing my ass' and only does it to 'appease' me. Grrrrr. I don't need his stinkin' pity thanks.
Show him the journal you just showed us here. And make him explain it. Do it in your counselling session. Raise the stakes and stop being a pushover. This man is very screwed up. If he won't come clean you should leave - he will destroy you.
I did show him. His only response - well one day looked good, the others were bad. (oh fer gawds sake) He was of course nice to me again the day of the marriage counselor. I asked him why he was being so nice to me now, he told me not to worry about it and that i didn't "need to know". Um, yes i do.
The MC talked to us, and H gave him a "i don't know" kind of update. Then he talked to me and I explained everything. He told me i needed to be prepared for a plan B. Ie, a separation. He said H has some kind of entitlement complex and that his head is really screwed on wrong. He said that it didn't matter how much i did right, that unless he gets on board it didn't matter. Then he suggested talking to H for five minutes. He ended up talking to H for 45 minutes. Hopefully something got done.
H's 'homework' this week from the MC was to think of things to be affectionate about (huh?)
He told me i needed to be prepared for a plan B. Ie, a separation. He said H has some kind of entitlement complex and that his head is really screwed on wrong. He said that it didn't matter how much i did right, that unless he gets on board it didn't matter.
You need to wake up to this, before it is too late. But it takes two to tango. You have had all the signs in front of your face, and you have not caught on yet.
I go away for a week and this is what I come back to? Truly disheartening.
In a previous post I asked you whether "the truth" you seek would make a difference. Now I want to know whether it is even WORTH all this abuse to discover the truth.
I predict that if you do discover "the truth" (whatever it happens to be today) then you will consider it to be so magnanimous that you will overlook all his previous behavior. You've already shown that you can be "bought off" with some unconventional hugs/cuddling and some pleasantries. If he makes an "effort", you'll be pacified.
Do you see how you are being forced to call your own judgment into question? I see you saying "I'm done with this" then changing your mind. I see you questioning trusting him, and then forgiving immediately.
If you keep this up, you will not know WHAT to think anymore.
If that isn't scary enough, I am afraid to imagine what your NEXT relationship will be like. Odds are, so long as your next guy is bad to you in a different way, you'll be so happy he isn't putting you through what your current man is, that you'd consider it trading up.
I don't know about an entitlement complex, but the guys head sure isn't screwed on right.
Oh and should we even get into the fact that his son is on board with his ideals? Sure I'll lie to your wife so you can go get with someone else. Great example. Its men like this that make decent men like me have to work EXTRA HARD to atone for their sins.
Don't get me started on your counselor either... "his homework is to think of things to be affectionate about". How much are you paying this clown? I'm in the wrong business clearly!
I want to believe it is not too late for you, but with every day that goes by, that belief becomes less and less plausible.
Yeah, chopblock me too. I realized a few days ago that I AM way too forgiving. At one time I found my kind heart to be an asset, but not against someone who just wants to use me for it.
Tonight is Halloween and I'm home alone working on HIS project. Sigh.
I've been working on the business from 3am straight from last night (this morning?)
As he left with the last kid and the baby tonight, he asked me if I was sure I didn't want to go. ARGHHH. He knows that this export will not wait, it was his procrastination that caused me to have to work tonight! But if I just let him fall on his ass, the business loses, and I don't have money to pay the mortgage next month.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
He's been cordial, kind, sweet and distant. Basically business as usual. If he gets a coke from the fridge, he asks me if I want one too. That sort of thing. When he leaves the house, I may or may not get a peck on the cheek. At night, he goes to bed first, reads and falls asleep on his side of the bed. Sometimes while he sleeps, he'll let his foot touch mine. Don't worry, i'm NOT excusing all that as "gee see he's wonderful" I'm just showing that it's not like he's throwing dishes around and screaming.
When he left tonight, he asked if he 'should' take the baby in a way that told me it was an imposition. GEEZ. I said in my nicest voice that since I was going to be up working that it would be nice if he took him. He relented.
As I was walking back into the house, he said that he had forgotten something. I said what. he said come here. He then held me by my upper arms and gave me a slightly warmer than usual closed mouth kiss. he said 'that'. I tried to be nice. didn't say anything, kissed him back.
He left, I went back to work.
So it's like that.
I can live my life like this - no romance, no love, no sex, no being 'in love' no 'I love you's' no christmas presents or birthday presents (he forgets) no fighting, no arguing, no talking, no sharing, no cuddling - and have my kids around me all the time. Or boot his using abusive ass to the curb and lose my kids half time, give up my house and my business, pay him 1/2 of everything i've worked 15 years to make for myself and not see my own baby two weekends of the month and on thursdays.
Either way I feel i'm screwed. well, not literally. How do I make the best of this??? I'm really not one to give up (as you can tell) I don't generally have a 'doom and gloom' attitude and I really am willing to forgive anybody just about anything (i know, it's a fault) but I just don't see how my life can get any better right now.
In two years when the baby is 3, I may be willing to give him up two weekends a month and not feel like my heart is breaking. Till then, I just count off the days like a prison sentence.
One day, old and used up, I'll come blinking back into the light with nothing but the clothes on my back to my name and my 'freedom'. whoopee.
You need to wake up to this, before it is too late. But it takes two to tango. You have had all the signs in front of your face, and you have not caught on yet.
Ok, i give up. How did i screw up now? what didn't i catch on to?
Too late for what?
"it takes two to tango" assumes his behavior is at least half my fault. OK, which half, what did i do wrong and how do i fix it. and while we are at it, will my doing ANYTHING right make a damn bit of difference anyway?
Ok, i give up. How did i screw up now? what didn't i catch on to?
Too late for what?
"it takes two to tango" assumes his behavior is at least half my fault. OK, which half, what did i do wrong and how do i fix it. and while we are at it, will my doing ANYTHING right make a damn bit of difference anyway?
Perhaps I was too cryptic. I meant you were not firm from the get-go - the day you moved in together. You have allowed him to abuse you.
I am beginning to think he might be schizophrenic, so you may never be able to elicit the behaviour you want. On the other hand, is there a possibility of coke or amphetamine abuse?
Re: How to get the Truth out of Man... 
