Making the right choice

NightEagle1981 · 04-09-2011, 07:20 AM

I know I've posted around all over but more ?'s loom. I am starting to second guess things. My wife and I have had no contact since the 17th of March. Legally right now I can't contact her (not a restraining order). I've been thinking about her every single day, dreams at night, nightmares etc. I wake up almost every night not realizing where I am (not staying at home) I also find myself wondering what my wife's doing is she having an affair? Doing what she's supposed to be doing? Lots of thoughts flow through my head and I have to think "she's doing what she's supposed to do etc." A few people recommended that I go to the court and file divorce *Did* to show her that I don't need to be the door mat also to show her that she really screwed up. Divorce is not what I want nor is it a fix for our problems. I would like to work things out, counseling and so on. I think our problems can be fixed over time. But over the past few day's I've been really second guessing filing that paper work. I know I can withdraw it at anytime. She hasn't answered it yet either. I know I was reading FB and her friend said that dating sucks and my W wrote "better than divorcing" It hurts me so bad inside because I can't talk to her about this. My plan is to give us 1 year and if her and I can't change ourselves, make our marriage work then both agree on divorce. I just look at the signs right now.

1. She hasn't talked to anyone about anything or plans
2. She hasn't told anyone for me to come pack my things and move out.
3. I got a suitcase full of cloths to last about a month or so.
4. She hasn't dropped our no contact and wanted to meet or talk about it.
5. She hasn't made attempts to say "it's over"
6. She could have dropped the no contact, met with me civil and said it's a good idea that we divorce split property custody etc.

To me it sounds like that's not what she want's either but I felt if I didn't do this I would be walked all over even more. What do I do???

castingabout · 04-09-2011, 09:29 AM

Just wanted you to know that someone had seen this.

I have no idea what you can do. The no contact makes it difficult to do anything. I know you're going through hell. Perhaps a third party could be trusted to propose a civil meeting, and perhaps to even mediate? You'd have to go into it with the promise of good behavior. If she turns down the offer, that could leave you guessing as to whether she didn't trust the third party, or just doesn't want to talk to you. It may not be a good idea, but it's an idea just the same.

NightEagle1981 · 04-09-2011, 02:41 PM

The order also states 3rd party as well. They have all the avenues covered. No email no letters. IMO its the most rediculous crap I have ever heard of. We have our right to freedom of speach and for someone to tell me who I can can't talk to is just dumb
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Deejo · 04-09-2011, 06:05 PM

Giving it time is about the only thing you can do, under the circumstances.

I have to ask, given her absolutely over the top behavior based on your other posts, why is this someone you would want to reconcile with?

NightEagle1981 · 04-09-2011, 07:28 PM

I think the reason that I want to fix things with my wife is I am a good Christian and I believe in forgiveness. Also I love my wife still very much. I forgive her. I think that our marriage can be saved but just is going to need a bit more work on both ends. We both have to attend counseling and marriage counseling as well. It will be a tough road ahead but in the end it will all be worth it.

anx · 04-09-2011, 08:08 PM

Please get "love must be tough" ASAP, and best of luck.

love, forgiveness, and reconciliation are all talk about a lot in Christianity, but I truly believe that they are the most radical and hardest parts.

Whatshisname · 04-09-2011, 09:06 PM

If you feel for her, love her, try to get a line of communication to her. But if your doing it for some religious reason then let her go. The religious thing isn't going to fix your problems. Only the still existing love and some give and take will do that.

NightEagle1981 · 04-10-2011, 11:16 AM

Legally I can't have contact. I'm hoping to have things worked out by Wednesday. Then I want to sit down with her. I just have this empty feeling inside. I never realized how much I miss her until now. I wonder if she feels the same way.
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Deejo · 04-10-2011, 11:24 AM

You need to be prepared to accept that she doesn't feel the same way, if and when the time comes.

NightEagle1981 · 04-11-2011, 06:11 AM

To me I don't think it may come down to it. We've gone through so much together in the past that I think the bond that we have is strong enough to get us past this. It's just really hard because I can't have any contact with her that maybe she's had some negative influence on her. I wrote up a little agreement that I want to show her that when we do end up getting to talk I want to give us 1 year. If we can't solve our problems and work through both of our issues in that 1 year than maybe we aren't meant to be married. I just think that since her and I were married less than a year ago we haven't even given our marriage a chance yet. I mean why waste time, energy, money and most of all being married in a catholic church if it's not something that you wanted to do. I never forced my wife's hand in marriage she wanted to. I just don't know how to make sense of someone that say's they love you and are happy then the next day say something off the opposite.

anx · 04-11-2011, 11:17 AM

We are all given free will, and it is her choice to turn her back on you and the vows she made. You cannot change what she wants to do.

Its unfortunate that you are brought along in this all. The vows in a church mean a lot to some people. I truly meant for better or worse, and your wife probably did too at the time.

I doubt that helps much.

Pick up some MC books catholic / christian / or otherwise and find some peace. I can suggest more books if you want. Find that before you can contact her again.

NightEagle1981 · 04-11-2011, 04:36 PM

I think that we will come through this chins up. I just have to be patient through this. I picked up a book today and man I do not want to go through a divorce too much work and too much money. I've gone over the finances and my wife is in financial trouble and I really want to help her. I'm hoping to have this no contact done by Wed. I'm really second guessing myself, but I think it will all work out.

NightEagle1981 · 04-14-2011, 06:34 AM

Well I withdrew the papers yesterday asking that our case be dismissed. I believe I made a bad choice and way to fast. I don't want a divorce and I'm sure my wife doesn't either. She never answered any of the papers. I have not still had a chance to talk to her because of this no contact order which is creating massive problems because I can't find out what my wife wants nor can I schedule counseling with the both of us. The court system is moving too slow for me I want this done and over so I can move on with my marriage. I know financially that there is no way that either one of us could afford a lawyer and I found that the min retainer fees range from $2500-$5000 and can go up from there. Also the fact that it hurts both parties, kids and everyone else. I put the ball back in her court if she wants a divorce I'll know.

anx · 04-14-2011, 08:51 AM

best of luck

NightEagle1981 · 04-16-2011, 09:42 PM

Been a few day's haven't heard much of anything other than she's cleaning house and our bedroom is about as clean is can be. Can my wife throw my stuff out?