How many of you carried a marriage problem with you for years without saying anything? Judging from some ppl on this site, plenty. So no the kids didn't just crop up but maybe the problem didn't either.
He also didn't have an affair. He tried to admit it and face it but was shamed instead of helped and applauded. If he wanted an affair it was there for the taking. He tried a different route when he realized it was going too far. He was caught up in the good feelings and reluctant bit trying to let go. You think the stuff tobio was told to do dint drive him further from the relnship? A lot of guys would have gone full blown affair. Ge didn't and gets no credit.
He has probs but is no monster. Posted via Mobile Device
He isn't leaving because of your pain, my dear. He is leaving because he is a coward and does not want to face what he has done. He isn't poison to you, you are poison to him. He wants you to rug sweep and never bring this up again and since you cannot and rightfully so, he has decided to move on all under the guise that he is somehow some noble person caring about your pain. He isn't. His ego feeding is the most important thing to him. Right now, his ego isn't being fed by you. He has to see your pain and suffering and that makes him feel bad. Not for you, for him. His ego took a hit when all of a sudden his wife views him differently and not some Knight in shining armour. He needs that again. Sticking around only makes him realize how badly he let all of you down. He leaves and your pain suddenly goes away. It doesn't, it only makes him not have to see what he has done. Walking away is easy, sticking around to make things right is hard, too hard for him. His talking about your other children is very telling. I doubt they suddenly jumped out of a closet and yelled surprise after he had already committed to you. He knew you were a package deal and that was okay with him back then. Now all of a sudden you having children from another man is a dealbreaker? Of course it is. Now he can toss the blame on you and say that what you did in your past makes him unable to continue to be with you. Since you had children prior to meeting him, since you cannot "get over" what he has done and since he cannot stand to see you in pain, he needs to leave. Nothing is his fault, it's blameshifting 101.
Let me be blunt, he doesn't give a rat's a$$ if you or your children are in pain, he only cares if he is. He is no longer viewed on a pedestal and he cannot stand it. Walking away is the easiest way to have to never experience that again. Let him, not for his sake, for yours.
And yes, I hope he reads this.
I have a question, because I had said very similar words to my GF recently. I keep getting VERY angry at her because she keeps spending her money at Las Vegas night clubs to the point our power goes out etc. I keep getting so upset that she can't change her habits that are ruining her life and have her in dozens of thousands of dollars in debt. That is what I tell myself and her the anger is about and finally, I blew up over and over (nothing physical and really only truthful, but hurtful and tactlessly worded things like every time her friends let her get a $100 bill in their name their starving her child, It is partly true but HORRIBLE to say.) So, I finally said I am just leaving because I can't seem to control my reaction to the way you handle things, your life and your friends. I love her, or else I wouldn't even care, but am I just copping out? Am I being a coward? I feel I have tried everything but I wont watch her ruin her life and I seem powerless to stop it.
;/ I don't know if I am a rageaholic, impatient,emotionaly abusive or if she is immature or whatever, or if it is both? Either way I decided and told her my ONLY goal is to make her happy, whatever that is. Me being in her life is currently making her unhappy (even though for the first time EVER in her life she has a saving account and I don't care one like about hanging out and drinking while I watch HER kids, just dont spend a ****ing HUNDRED at a bar, spend FIVE on a six pack and a friends.)
Don't you think there is any possibility that the advice given here may have done harm to them? Or are you all so sure of yourselves that you can judge from such a distance.
The guy needs counselling to do the right thing, not abuse from people who don't know him. He needs help to grow up to be a man. Anyone the least bit stubborn would reject the whole thing presented as it had been. Posted via Mobile Device
Don't you think there is any possibility that the advice given here may have done harm to them? Or are you all so sure of yourselves that you can judge from such a distance.
The guy needs counselling to do the right thing, not abuse from people who don't know him. He needs help to grow up to be a man. Anyone the least bit stubborn would reject the whole thing presented as it had been. Posted via Mobile Device
I don't think the guy was abused at all. OP sticking up for herself and kids doesn't abuse him. Posted via Mobile Device
JP
I am so sorry this is happening. It is difficult to watch someone you love destroy themselves and those who depend on them.
As hard as it is, you do have to leave when you have tried every thing you can to help them. Your presence may make it possible for them to continue the addiction because you give them support as any normal person should. Leaving may be the impetus to change.
I think you stood by her as long as you could and the anger is normal. Who would b=not be when you watch a person destroy themselves and there is nothing you can do to get through to them.
Don't you think there is any possibility that the advice given here may have done harm to them? Or are you all so sure of yourselves that you can judge from such a distance.
The guy needs counselling to do the right thing, not abuse from people who don't know him. He needs help to grow up to be a man. Anyone the least bit stubborn would reject the whole thing presented as it had been. Posted via Mobile Device
He may need that. But she sure as hell does not need him.
I wasn't suggesting she abused him. I'm suggesting this series of posts has been abusive toward him. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm not going to continue to argue the point that the behaviour demanded here IMMEDIATELY may have caused harm that could have been avoided with real counseling instead of this place. It certainly hasn't been even handed and encouraging for him, and you knew he was reading. My opinion. That's it on the subject from me. Carry on.
Yep. Were we hard on him? Yes. Was he hard on his WIFE? Yes. Those are called consequences.
But at least we were hard on him so that she could get the help she needs to sort this out logically.
JPeace, please set up your own thread so people can find you and offer advice. fwiw, you needed to leave her so that she can suffer her own consequences (no electricity, etc.) on her OWN, and grow up.
Interestin, CC joined 4/28/11, all the post are directed towards woman having relationship problems. Tobio has signed in every day with out posting when she usually post daily.
The CC post are biased towards the wondering male and very critical of a woman who is hurt. . Sounds more male with a grip against women who have the nerve to make demands on men who stray.
I wonder if this is who I think he is. All I can say is WOW. I feel so desperately sorry for Tobio, I can't imagine what she is going through. If this is who I think it is,
No more Tobio just CC explaining the non-husbands position.
That's right. Discredit the poster when you disagree with the message. It only supports my contention that this place can be dangerous for a marriage in trouble. A therapist with an alternate view wouldn't be accused of such a thing but it is easy to do to an anon stranger, just like it was easy to trash this guy. Isn't your relationship so no skin off your nose.
Read my other posts before you accuse me of being anti-woman.
Maybe you should get off your all knowing all seeing high horse and experience a little humility. If you can't entertain the possibility that you did damage, you're no better than those you skewer. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: He's leaving 
