He'll figure out that he can't be selfish or he will give up his wish to parent overnight.
If it is merely financial cynicism, then he a pretty rotten.
If he genuinely wants to see his kids and the dynamic was between he and his wife based on his perception of his time versus hers, that is a different thing entirely.
He'll figure out that he can't be selfish or he will give up his wish to parent overnight.
If it is merely financial cynicism, then he a pretty rotten.
If he genuinely wants to see his kids and the dynamic was between he and his wife based on his perception of his time versus hers, that is a different thing entirely.
The background is here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/22858-so-angry-what-can-i-do.html Posted via Mobile Device
I can’t see how “flaming” Tobio’s OH helps either Tobio or her OH. I really can’t see that. I just can’t see how it helps.
They’re going through “stuff”. Part of all that “stuff” is a readjustment to the life’s circumstances that they find themselves in and what it means for the “future”. Marriages have survived a lot worse and come out the other side for the better.
Honestly, he doesn't realize it but he's giving you a gift by leaving. He is a selfish man who is incapable of even recognizing his part in his own life. I know you two haven't married either so it is one less thing you will have to deal with.
You need to find out about child support and make sure that you legally get what you need to raise your child with him. I know now is the last time you feel like being pragmatic but it is the best thing for you to do. Also, if you are comfortable with him seeing the children as often as he'd like that's great but make sure to get visitation/custody type issues court mandated as well.
He's proven he's untrustworthy, unreliable and selfish. Don't let him screw over your family because you love him and want to believe he is a better man than he is. He isn't. He's shown you this way too many times now.
Be strong and go after the things in your life that you deserve and desire. You will get through this.
Thank you for all the replies. The kids are on school holidays so is pretty hectic here but will fit in as much as I can so here goes...
At the moment he isn't leaving. He came back last night quite vague. Happy to talk but his heart doesn't seem set on either staying OR leaving. I almost felt like he was leaning to ME because he isn't sure what to do. He said when we're spending time together, talking and stuff, it confuses him because it makes him think of what he would be missing.
I still feel in limbo because it is apparent he hasn't fully committed to staying. I am mentally taking a step back until he makes a firm commitment either way.
A few points... He does pull his weight at home. The only thing in that regard I had a problem with WAS his getting up one morning and supporting me catching up on sleep. In other respects he picks up the slack with chores and is VERY hands- on with the babies.
He is a good dad. He adores the toddler and when he is at home, they are inseparable. It would kill him to be away from his kids.
I genuinely don't think this is about him wanting to go off and get his manly attention. I don't. I really think he is having basically an early midlife crisis really. He has stopped and taken a look at his life and realised, hang on, is this what I want- rightly or wrongly. I am starting to realise that I don't deserve to be treated like this- he has said that yet he continues to-ing and fro-ing. I don't know what to expect by way of a full and firm commitment- if it comes.
I don't think he has even entertained the idea of changing how he responds to the situation. To him, he feels resentful, he can't or won't work round that. I don't know.
I can’t see how “flaming” Tobio’s OH helps either Tobio or her OH. I really can’t see that. I just can’t see how it helps.
They’re going through “stuff”. Part of all that “stuff” is a readjustment to the life’s circumstances that they find themselves in and what it means for the “future”. Marriages have survived a lot worse and come out the other side for the better.
Bob
What is flammng?. Do you mean alerting a very sweet and nurturing women that her husband is snowing her? Not saying anything would be like watching a person walk in front of a train. Marriages with more severe problems may survive but the chances of Tabio getting screwed out of support by this man is high. He is self-centered, by his own admission wants to be free of his family, he has shown little interest in caring for his kids until now and needs money to fund his new lifestyle.
Who would not let her know what we see. She is smart e ough to consider it. She seems to think that his explanations are ligitimate they are not. Any man who is self centered enough to leave a woman with an infant to avoid facing a stupid choice to cheat is a bad man. Based on his present behavior, there is no reson to beleive that he intends to support his wife and kids. He know that the financial burden will limit his new life. He can walk away but he pays the consequences for his choice. There is no reason why his wife and kids should be the ones to suffer.
If I have the definition of flamming correct, the alert must be strong or she won't get it, she and her kids are mire important than he is. They are standing on the brink of poverty. Posted via Mobile Device
Is is buddy the one that has no kids? You said he mentioned that previously. This guy and his wife have no kids and are having lots of fun. He may be getting support for abandoning his family from his friend and from his mother a call to responsibility.
You are leaving it totally up to him. Does that mean no matter how he vasalates and ignores the pain he brings you that you will hang around. Some limits needs to be set, if he choses to stay because you are second best not because he loves you, he will leave eventually when he can. Why let him decide, you decide your limits and set them and act on them. You are at this point allowing yourself to be serve as the default person not the main. If you are second in his mind he will find someone who will take the first position.
I am concerned that you will not believe he will leave until it actually happens and you will not be prepared legally or mentally. He appears to have checked out and he is not confused he is not or concerned about you or the child that clings to him or he would never contemplate leaving them. He is worried about himself only. Posted via Mobile Device
Well it looks like I won't be waiting for him to make a decision.
After I posted earlier, I found out that he has been... texting "that" girl. I was so infuriated- this was three days ago and he didn't mention a thing about it, a text, late Friday evening. I went and put his stuff in bin liners and put them in the wardrobe.
He came back. We chatted for a bit and I engineered the conversation around to yesterday. I laid it on thick- I said I'd been chatting to a friend, told OH I felt bad that I'd been so untrusting of him, that it seemed our situation was never about what happened with the girl but other things. I wanted to see if he'd 'fess up.
He stopped me and told me she'd been texting him today. He'd deleted them and didn't reply. Apparently fairly innocent stuff, how are you, that sort of thing. I asked how come he'd deleted them when I specifically requested that after last time, he kept anything from her so I could see. He says he forgot about it. he also told me that all the guys at work had found outand he's been getting a right ribbing all last week, they won't leave it alone.
He wasn't going to say anything. I told him I had something for him upstairs, we went up, he asked what? I opened the wardrobe- "your stuff"- and threw it on the bed. His face... well, let's say it was a mix of complete surprise and horror. I said I knew he'd been texting her, and I'd had it, don't let the door hit your a** on the way out...
Apparently I had to "let him explain..." Seems he got home from the pub, was hammered and texted her. Says he didn't mean anything by it (notice a pattern here?), woke up Saturday morning, and felt that wave of dread when he realised what he'd done. Didn't tell me because he knew how hurt I'd be. And the best bit... You know how his friends have been ribbing him about it all week poor thing, well, he texted her (not meaning anything by it obviously "I hear you've been missing me..."
Then it all came tumbling out... Yesterday made him realise how much he loved me, how he realised what a good thing he had here, no one had ever loved him like I did, we've been through some hard times together and come out the other side, ,<insert
cliche here>, <insert another heartwrending cliche here>
Oh and he hopes she rots in hell... He never liked her anyway, he didn't know what he was thinking, he was drunk and you know how you do stupid things when you're drunk... He asked do I hate him? No, I just feel sorry for you actually.
I thought I'd be terribly upset but I'm not. I feel kind of detached actually. I told him he could text her all he wanted now, he said he wasn't interested in her, he wanted me. I said well, for someone you're not interested in, she's sure played a big part in all this.
I pointed out that you don't text someone you don't care about, especially with that, yet he is STILL coming up with this, "I don't know why I did it." Well it's bloody blatantly obvious to EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD EXCEPT YOU, you like the attention. BIG problem.
Tobio,
He is saying everything you want to hear. The moment the dust settles down again, he will start up with her. He is a liar, manipulator and a cheat. If he told you the sky was blue, you might want to check for yourself.
Stay vigilant.
Okay quick note #1--I'm not flaming her husband. I am angry with him due to his choice to leave, and using flowery words to cover up "I'm leaving because I'm not man enough to stay and clean up the mess I've made." If he said that straight to her face, I can't say I'd agree with his choice but at least he'd have B@lls enough to speak the truth...and that I could admire. Running away is not courageous. Making a mistake--admitting the mistake--and accepting the consequences of the mistake IS COURAGEOUS.
Quick note #2--I'm not saying he should have custody or visitation or encouraging her to keep the children from him. No. I personally believe he should be made very clear that leaving does not mean "I get to leave all my responsibilities now". Rather, I wanted to point out to her that courts and judges decide child support based on where the kids are OVERNIGHT. So if he has two children with her and he has one every night over night, but doesn't help in any other way...he can go for MUCH less child support based on "over night." So again all this flowery talk could be a cover for saving himself child support money.
So don't be fooled and don't think: "Oh he wouldn't do that to me." BALONEY! A month ago she would have said "He wouldn't cheat on me" too. When people cheat, they do things that are not their usual character...so be on guard.
^^ I agree. I would never have guessed my H would treat me like this and completely disregard me. Then he goes and leaves custody paperwork in my car asking for the kids 6 overnights in a two week period because "that's what the courts want". I went and saw a lawyer who said it was rubbish. That would put him right at the threshold he needs to only pay $200 per month for two kids as opposed to the $851 he'd pay for two kids with a dad schedule. Then I negotiated a dad schedule.
I have no idea what this journey has in store. He's in the fog and acting so uncharacteristically. I don't know this guy. I don't know what he's capable of or what he'll try to do to me next. So I'm keeping my guard up and watching each step.
I feel so sad to read this. Notice he says no one ever loved him like you. Strange thing to say another example of self - centeredness, does he love you?
Eventually he will regret his choice. His friends are egging him on and among them, he is a hero. But his friends won't pay the price for his folly. He is a hollo man.
Please don't let him back, you will get the same no matter what he says. He will make a woe is me and that you are being unfair to him. Tabio, whenever he starts with that garbage, cut him off and in a clear and strong voice tell him he knows he is a coward and has no honor.
Tell him clearly that he knows what kind of man he is, one who who abandoned two children one an infant. Ask him how hard is it for him to pretend to be a man and know he comes up short compared to other men.
Tell him he will have to live with himself no matter how he spins the story to his buddies down at the station.
It will take a while but, he will deeply regret what he has done. A man who leaves his kids is a shame and not much of a man. He knows that on some level and it will haunt him. As for the girl, he will get together with her probably because she will rush to console him.
She has to be crazy to invove herself with a man who cheats and abandons the mother of his infant child and who will be saddled with child support for 2 kids for 18 yrs. I hope she has a high salary, she will free up money for him to pay you in their shared expenses.
Some woman are very stupid, but that's her problem, she will realize she can do much better. Many of the woman he thinks he will attract will think twice about a man like that.
Get legal help fast this is going to get nasty I think.
Re: He's leaving 
Seems he got home from the pub, was hammered and texted her. Says he didn't mean anything by it (notice a pattern here?), woke up Saturday morning, and felt that wave of dread when he realised what he'd done. Didn't tell me because he knew how hurt I'd be. And the best bit... You know how his friends have been ribbing him about it all week poor thing, well, he texted her (not meaning anything by it obviously
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