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Old 04-17-2011, 03:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default He's leaving

He is leaving.

The girl/kiss/lack of affection/blah blah blah were never really the issues. The issue WAS, in a nutshell, the fact he can't reconcile the fact I already had children and "our" family. The worst thing is that I could not MAKE that decision for him. That was entirely up to him.

This weekend, were he not leaving, was the shining light. He opened up so much, that alone could have saved our relationship if this wasn't such a massive thing for him. He spilled his guts; he cannot bear to see me in such pain from what he did, he says he can't live with knowing he single-handedly destroyed my faith in him. That he loves me so much and always will, and if we hated each other it would be so much easier to make a decision. He has stayed trying to work through his feelings but it grows harder and harder every day and he is so unhappy.

Things are still very raw and not even all decided yet, but the initial plan is that he will move in to share a house with his best friend's uncle who lives round the corner. He wants to have our oldest every day straight from work, and for him to sleep there, then the baby as well once baby is not so dependent on me for feeding.

He is in bits about it, like me. Earlier, I was very upset and he said, if I wanted him to stay, he would stay. It was SO HARD but I said, I wanted him to be happy more than I wanted me to be happy and if leaving was what he felt he had to do, then what was what he needed to do. If he was going to be here, it had to be because he wanted to.

I feel so sad, and angry. Angry at him, but I feel his pain too. He keeps saying he doesn't want to leave, he doesn't want to leave me, but he can't see another way. I just feel I'm being punished for decisions I made way before we ever got together. He says it's nothing to do with me, not anything I've done, or my oldest two, it's just his feelings in his head. He said he thought he was poisin infecting everything, and I didn't deserve to be unhappy because of him.

I think he needs to go. I think he has to do it to know, wholeheartedly, what it is like. It doesn't stop me feeling so incredibly sad though
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Old 04-17-2011, 04:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: He's leaving

He isn't leaving because of your pain, my dear. He is leaving because he is a coward and does not want to face what he has done. He isn't poison to you, you are poison to him. He wants you to rug sweep and never bring this up again and since you cannot and rightfully so, he has decided to move on all under the guise that he is somehow some noble person caring about your pain. He isn't. His ego feeding is the most important thing to him. Right now, his ego isn't being fed by you. He has to see your pain and suffering and that makes him feel bad. Not for you, for him. His ego took a hit when all of a sudden his wife views him differently and not some Knight in shining armour. He needs that again. Sticking around only makes him realize how badly he let all of you down. He leaves and your pain suddenly goes away. It doesn't, it only makes him not have to see what he has done. Walking away is easy, sticking around to make things right is hard, too hard for him. His talking about your other children is very telling. I doubt they suddenly jumped out of a closet and yelled surprise after he had already committed to you. He knew you were a package deal and that was okay with him back then. Now all of a sudden you having children from another man is a dealbreaker? Of course it is. Now he can toss the blame on you and say that what you did in your past makes him unable to continue to be with you. Since you had children prior to meeting him, since you cannot "get over" what he has done and since he cannot stand to see you in pain, he needs to leave. Nothing is his fault, it's blameshifting 101.
Let me be blunt, he doesn't give a rat's a$$ if you or your children are in pain, he only cares if he is. He is no longer viewed on a pedestal and he cannot stand it. Walking away is the easiest way to have to never experience that again. Let him, not for his sake, for yours.
And yes, I hope he reads this.
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Old 04-17-2011, 04:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I'm sorry but I am so angry right now I can't reply very clearly, but I have never heard so much in my life.

He knew you had other children before he married you. He made a covenant to be with only you through all the circumstances of life knowing that you had other children! He made MORE children with you!!! This is nothing but being a wimp and I'm so mad at him for being a coward that I just can not be objective.

HE made this mess, and rather than being a man and sticking around to clean up the mess he's made, he's running away.

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Old 04-17-2011, 04:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Yep, this is pretty much the evidence you need to know he had already checked out and was looking for a way out, enjoying another woman's attention, etc. Do not buy this crap. The problem was not your other children. The problem is he doesn't want to be a grown up. Ugh, what a weak, spineless person. I hope you will come to realize that you are going to be SO much better off without him. Take the time to figure out how you missed the evidence of his immaturity and take the time to learn to love being on your own. If you do, I guarantee you will not give up that freedom for anyone who does not TRULY deserve it. God bless you in this new life venture.
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Old 04-17-2011, 04:59 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: He's leaving

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Originally Posted by Affaircare View Post


I'm sorry but I am so angry right now I can't reply very clearly, but I have never heard so much in my life.

He knew you had other children before he married you. He made a covenant to be with only you through all the circumstances of life knowing that you had other children! He made MORE children with you!!! This is nothing but being a wimp and I'm so mad at him for being a coward that I just can not be objective.

HE made this mess, and rather than being a man and sticking around to clean up the mess he's made, he's running away.

AC,
AGREED!
When caught he blameshifts and makes it about the other person. Once he realized that his number was up and that she will feel pain, he leaves, although it wasn't about her pain, it was about his. He doesn't want to feel bad for any of his actions. Nothing, literally nothing. Now? He justifies his behavior by saying that because she had children prior to meeting him, the relationship will not work, again like they sprung up out of a closet and yelled surprise. Anybody remember Teflon Don? That is this "man". Nothing sticks and nothing is his fault.
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Old 04-17-2011, 05:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Wow. I didn't expect those responses!

He came back from a bedtime drive to his mums with the babies, came in and sat with me. I asked had he told his mum, he said yes.

What did she say? asked I. She was worried, about me, how I would manage, how I would afford stuff. Then he said he couldn't do it. He couldn't leave. He couldn't leave me.

I said he knew how I felt, and that I just wanted him to be happy. I didn't want him to be here out of obligation.

He's gone out for an hour or two now to meet his friend. I don't want to second-guess how he'll be feeling when he gets back...
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Old 04-17-2011, 06:04 PM   #7 (permalink)
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He is leaving.

The girl/kiss/lack of affection/blah blah blah were never really the issues. The issue WAS, in a nutshell, the fact he can't reconcile the fact I already had children and "our" family. The worst thing is that I could not MAKE that decision for him. That was entirely up to him.

This weekend, were he not leaving, was the shining light. He opened up so much, that alone could have saved our relationship if this wasn't such a massive thing for him. He spilled his guts; he cannot bear to see me in such pain from what he did, he says he can't live with knowing he single-handedly destroyed my faith in him. That he loves me so much and always will, and if we hated each other it would be so much easier to make a decision. He has stayed trying to work through his feelings but it grows harder and harder every day and he is so unhappy.

Things are still very raw and not even all decided yet, but the initial plan is that he will move in to share a house with his best friend's uncle who lives round the corner. He wants to have our oldest every day straight from work, and for him to sleep there, then the baby as well once baby is not so dependent on me for feeding.

He is in bits about it, like me. Earlier, I was very upset and he said, if I wanted him to stay, he would stay. It was SO HARD but I said, I wanted him to be happy more than I wanted me to be happy and if leaving was what he felt he had to do, then what was what he needed to do. If he was going to be here, it had to be because he wanted to.

I feel so sad, and angry. Angry at him, but I feel his pain too. He keeps saying he doesn't want to leave, he doesn't want to leave me, but he can't see another way. I just feel I'm being punished for decisions I made way before we ever got together. He says it's nothing to do with me, not anything I've done, or my oldest two, it's just his feelings in his head. He said he thought he was poisin infecting everything, and I didn't deserve to be unhappy because of him.

I think he needs to go. I think he has to do it to know, wholeheartedly, what it is like. It doesn't stop me feeling so incredibly sad though
Are you ok with him taking both kids? He doesn't seem very hands on at home.
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Old 04-17-2011, 06:06 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I especially liked how he said he'll stay if you wanted him to stay. The man can't even make his own damn decision to leave. Proven by the part where his mommy made him feel guilty.

What a spineless, wimpy, coward!!!
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Old 04-17-2011, 08:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: He's leaving

Okay I am taking a deep breath...

...and exhaling. Another deep breath....

...and exhaling.


Alrighty then, let's look this over with our "Reality Glasses" on shall we?

Quote:
He spilled his guts; he cannot bear to see me in such pain from what he did, he says he can't live with knowing he single-handedly destroyed my faith in him.
I can understand that this is hard--I've been in his shoes and know what it's like to look in the face of my spouse and see that hurt! I also know what it's like to feel like an absolute worm because I was the one to put that hurt in his eyes. BUT the solution is not to pile more hurt on by leaving! The solution is to be brave and honor my commitment even though I screwed up royally. The solution is to rebuild the faith by living every day, day-by-day, doing the right thing and actually BEING honest and faithful!!! Then day-by-day showing him where I honestly was, what I did, what I thought and what I felt.

In real life what he's saying here is "I know I acted badly but it hurts to see in your face that I'm imperfect every day so I'm going to cut off your face so I don't see it." DUDE that is just not the solution!!

Quote:
That he loves me so much and always will, and if we hated each other it would be so much easier to make a decision.
Ummmmm...no. Love is not a feeling or a warm spot in your heart for someone. Love is an ACTION and his actions toward you are not loving. His actions toward you have been selfish and hurtful. So this is and I'd call him on it. Love is an ACTION so if he really means this, it means he has to put his dedication to you AHEAD OF how uncomfortable it makes him. When the rubber hits the road, a man or woman of character would demonstrate their love by doing what benefits their spouse even if it is difficult for them or hurts some.

In real life what he's saying here is "I'm about to destroy your world and the world of our children, but to ease my own discomfort I'm going to throw a word out there that is all warm and fuzzy. But I intend to still act selfishly and hope you fall for my flowery words."

Quote:
He has stayed trying to work through his feelings but it grows harder and harder every day and he is so unhappy.
And so since HE accepted affection from someone other than his spouse, and HE gave his loyalty to someone other than his spouse, and HE toyed with moving that line inch-by-inch, and HE let things go too far, and HE hurt you by not protecting you from himself, and HE destroyed your faith and trust...He's unhappy so poor him, he gets to abandon his covenant now. "BULL PUCKY," I say! He is unhappy because he's trying to justify what he knows is wrong. He is unhappy because he covets the life is friends' have. He is unhappy because he's looking for an excuse so he can continue that type of flirty behavior and get his fix! He is unhappy because it's time to grow up and be a mature adult, not a teen anymore...and he doesn't want to! He is unhappy because rather than building a secure, loving, sexy relationship with his wife, he is CHOOSING to do what's wrong, covet, look for excuses, flirt, and avoid growing up! HIS choice. Leaving his wife and children DOES NOT EQUAL "being happy"!!!

In real life what he's saying is "I want to keep being flirty and getting my ego stroked by other women because it made me feel good. I know, I'll let others 'make' me happy or not so that I'm not responsible for my own self, and that way I can blame them! That way I can do what's wrong and make them guilty all while I avoid personal responsibility for my own feelings."

If he really wants to be happy, here's how: 1) Stop doing what he knows is wrong. 2) Accept the consequences of the previous wrong choices. 3) Stop coveting the fake image that others have and learn to find joy in the giggling of his children and the smile of his wife. 4) Flirt with his wife and romance her like she was his girlfriend. 5) Honor his promises and be a man of his word!

Quote:
Things are still very raw and not even all decided yet, but the initial plan is that he will move in to share a house with his best friend's uncle who lives round the corner. He wants to have our oldest every day straight from work, and for him to sleep there, then the baby as well once baby is not so dependent on me for feeding.
Well I can tell you right now that if your oldest sleeps overnight with him every night, then you'll get little or no child support to raise your children. So this "generous offer" is not 'Hey honey, I'm thinking of you and the burden to you' but rather a manipulative way to say "I have the oldest 365 overnights a year your honor, so I don't owe any child support." This INFURIATES me because he tried to wrap it in the appearance of "being thoughtful" and in real life again it is all about HIM!!!

So here's my thought, and although I am still very angry with him, I do believe I am at least rational now. If I were in your shoes I would tell him to his face he's being a coward and running away. If he intends to run you can not stop him, but what you can say is that if he leaves, the kids are not going with him...that you will not weaken your financial or legal position for his comfort. If he wants to destroy the family he will have to do that on his own, move out on his own, and face the consequences that a judge will enforce upon him for supporting the children he is CHOOSING to abandon. If he moves out you will file for legal separation and allow a court to decide when the oldest and infant "visit" him and enforce what the child support will be as a garnishment. And that until the courts enter a temporary order, there will not be overnights PERIOD.

RRRRRRR
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Old 04-17-2011, 08:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Wow, this mirrors my situation. Almost down to the words. Everything except the excuse about the kids is my exact thing I'm going through. Except my H is currently in an EA with an ex girlfriend, though he won't admit it. And he's using his EA 4 years ago as his reason for needing to go. It is all about the hurt he is causing me. But the real reason is that he isn't on the pedestal and he can't handle it. I feel really enlightened right now. I've tried to call him on all of it to no avail. I kept snooping and got too close to the truth about him and the ex gf and now he wants a divorce. But he can't even say it to my face. He texts me that he is "done" and we are "irreconcilable". But it's all about him.

SPINELESS COWARDS. That's what it boils down to.
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Old 04-17-2011, 08:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
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OK, I can see that he is a piece of work. However, what is wrong with him seeing his kid every night?

Besides the financials that is.

Is he a rotten father? I get it that he is a rotten husband, btw.
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Old 04-17-2011, 09:08 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Tabio A man who uses children to escape responsibilities is a weak selfish man. You have a lovely warm nature so you still feel sympathy for him instead of outrage that he would blame your children for his decision to abandon his family.

He does not deserve your sympathy he is manipulating you because he knows your kind nature.

He is abandoning a family he knowingly started be cause he has decided he likes his ego stroked more than taking care of his responsibilities.

The BS about loving you and not wanting to see you in pain is a snow job. Sounds wonderful, he is gutting you and abandoning his family because he does not want to hurt you. Did you ever hear of anything so contrived and foolish.

This is what he is doing and this is who he is - He is abandoning a woman he had two children with while one child is still an infant. How does that sound - makes him a pretty bad man. He can spin that story to his friends and family to make himself the one needing the sympathy but you don't buy it.

Don't believe it and don't even repeat it to him or to anyone when they ask what happen - tell the truth he abandoned an infant and child so that he could be free to have his ego stroked. This is who he is. He may not like the person he is but he has to own it and not put it on innocent kids.

Tabio - I think you should quietly tell him that the lie he tells himself may convince him but this is who he is - a man who abandons an infant daughter and a small child and blames it on pre-existing children because he wants to be free to have his ego stroked.

He may find it hard to look at himself, but you see him and so will everyone else. Tell him to cut the bull and own up to they type of person he is.

Please don't be snowed, go right away to have legal papers drawn up for support. This man will at first seem responsible but as soon as the financial burden cramps his free lifestyle he will come up with a justification for cutting off support. You must protect your self.

You are being too emotionally open and trusting with him. He doe not have your interest in mind, he is looking for a way out. He is a very self-centered, manipulative, self delusional man. You are waiting for him to decide about your life and your kids lives - he will keep you dangling on a string until he finds a way out with as little guilt as possible.

He "decided" to stay because he looked bad to his mother for abandoning his family. So now he is staying until he can think up some other story. Don't make it easy for him and don't let him play with your emotions. Disengage from him emotionally he is not with you anymore. You have to take care of you now.

Let him do the leaving but, while he is there get ready for his leaving because he will leave. Carefully plan how you will get set up financially, get all the info you need - he will try to trick you so that he has to pay as little as possible don't let him do it. Nothing he does is for you but for him.

Make it very clear to him that no matter where he is or what he decides to do he cannot escape the responsibility of two children and he will need to take care of them.

You as their mother will make sure of that since he is not enough of a man to take care of his family.
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Old 04-17-2011, 09:32 PM   #13 (permalink)
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OK, I can see that he is a piece of work. However, what is wrong with him seeing his kid every night?

Besides the financials that is.

Is he a rotten father? I get it that he is a rotten husband, btw.
He is a rotten father he abandoned his family.

Don't let him have your kids every night, he wants to avoid financial responsibility, this arrangement is temporary. He does not want to be burdened with kids every knight when he starts dating.

Believe me he has intension of having kids every night. He stop wanting them when he has gotten out of child support on this ruse. He is thinking of how to save money so he has enough to fund his new lifestyle and it does not include kids every night.

Be careful everything he does is for him not you or your kids. He is trying to get out of paying for his decisions don't let him you cant escape them and neither should he.
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Old 04-17-2011, 09:33 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I must have missed something here. I saw no where that this cheating husband is looking for a way to stiff her for child support.

It looks more like he wants custody.

So that is why I asked what I did.

Is he a rotten father or good one?

Has he done anything to make it not right for him to have his children overnight?

And don't use his cheating as the reason. I have a cheating wife.

Those children are as much his as yours.
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Old 04-17-2011, 10:28 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I must have missed something here. I saw no where that this cheating husband is looking for a way to stiff her for child support.

It looks more like he wants custody.

So that is why I asked what I did.

Is he a rotten father or good one?

Has he done anything to make it not right for him to have his children overnight?

And don't use his cheating as the reason. I have a cheating wife.

Those children are as much his as yours.
He refuses to help with baby one night a week or one morning so Tobio can catch up on sleep. Who will care for kids when he needs his sleep in?
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