Okay I am taking a deep breath...
...and exhaling. Another deep breath....
Alrighty then, let's look this over with our "Reality Glasses" on shall we?
He spilled his guts; he cannot bear to see me in such pain from what he did, he says he can't live with knowing he single-handedly destroyed my faith in him.
I can understand that this is hard--I've been in his shoes and know what it's like to look in the face of my spouse and see that hurt! I also know what it's like to feel like an absolute worm because I was the one to put that hurt in his eyes. BUT the solution is not to pile more hurt on by leaving! The solution is to be brave and honor my commitment even though I screwed up royally. The solution is to rebuild the faith by living every day, day-by-day, doing the right thing and actually BEING honest and faithful!!! Then day-by-day showing him where I honestly was, what I did, what I thought and what I felt.
In real life what he's saying here is "I know I acted badly but it hurts to see in your face that I'm imperfect every day so I'm going to cut off your face so I don't see it."
DUDE that is just not the solution!!
That he loves me so much and always will, and if we hated each other it would be so much easier to make a decision.
Ummmmm...no. Love is not a feeling or a warm spot in your heart for someone. Love is an ACTION and his actions toward you are not loving. His actions toward you have been selfish and hurtful. So this is
and I'd call him on it. Love is an ACTION so if he really means this, it means he has to put his dedication to you AHEAD OF how uncomfortable it makes him. When the rubber hits the road, a man or woman of character would demonstrate their love by doing what benefits their spouse even if it is difficult for them or hurts some.
In real life what he's saying here is "I'm about to destroy your world and the world of our children, but to ease my own discomfort I'm going to throw a word out there that is all warm and fuzzy. But I intend to still act selfishly and hope you fall for my flowery words."
He has stayed trying to work through his feelings but it grows harder and harder every day and he is so unhappy.
And so since HE
accepted affection from someone other than his spouse, and HE
gave his loyalty to someone other than his spouse, and HE
toyed with moving that line inch-by-inch, and HE
let things go too far, and HE
hurt you by not protecting you from himself, and HE
destroyed your faith and trust...He's unhappy so poor him, he gets to abandon his covenant now. "BULL PUCKY,"
I say! He is unhappy because he's trying to justify what he knows is wrong. He is unhappy because he covets the life is friends' have. He is unhappy because he's looking for an excuse so he can continue that type of flirty behavior and get his fix! He is unhappy because it's time to grow up and be a mature adult, not a teen anymore...and he doesn't want to! He is unhappy because rather than building a secure, loving, sexy relationship with his wife, he is CHOOSING to do what's wrong, covet, look for excuses, flirt, and avoid growing up! HIS choice. Leaving his wife and children DOES NOT EQUAL "being happy"!!!
In real life what he's saying is "I want to keep being flirty and getting my ego stroked by other women because it made me feel good. I know, I'll let others 'make' me happy or not so that I'm not responsible for my own self, and that way I can blame them! That way I can do what's wrong and make them guilty all while I avoid personal responsibility for my own feelings."
If he really wants to be happy, here's how: 1) Stop doing what he knows is wrong. 2) Accept the consequences of the previous wrong choices. 3) Stop coveting the fake image that others have and learn to find joy in the giggling of his children and the smile of his wife. 4) Flirt with his wife and romance her like she was his girlfriend. 5) Honor his promises and be a man of his word!
Things are still very raw and not even all decided yet, but the initial plan is that he will move in to share a house with his best friend's uncle who lives round the corner. He wants to have our oldest every day straight from work, and for him to sleep there, then the baby as well once baby is not so dependent on me for feeding.
Well I can tell you right now that if your oldest sleeps overnight with him every night, then you'll get little or no child support to raise your children. So this "generous offer" is not 'Hey honey, I'm thinking of you and the burden to you' but rather a manipulative way to say "I have the oldest 365 overnights a year your honor, so I don't owe any child support." This INFURIATES me because he tried to wrap it in the appearance of "being thoughtful" and in real life again it is all about HIM!!!
So here's my thought, and although I am still very angry with him, I do believe I am at least rational now. If I were in your shoes I would tell him to his face he's being a coward and running away. If he intends to run you can not stop him, but what you can say is that if he leaves, the kids are not going with him...that you will not weaken your financial or legal position for his comfort. If he wants to destroy the family he will have to do that on his own, move out on his own, and face the consequences that a judge will enforce upon him for supporting the children he is CHOOSING to abandon. If he moves out you will file for legal separation and allow a court to decide when the oldest and infant "visit" him and enforce what the child support will be as a garnishment. And that until the courts enter a temporary order, there will not be overnights PERIOD.