In my experience (with another issue with my own husband, I was convincing myself of something that was NOT even true- I couldn't shake it, no matter what he said to me, I seen something else).
Sometimes our overly sensitive brains go off the deep end, because we do not LIKE a certain response or we feel a behaviour should be different-since it makes no living sense to us , we become STUCK, we let our hurt build, building in our minds to become a MOUNTAIN, possibly a mountain that is not even there for the man at all !
Is it at all possible this is true in your particular case?
What does your husband DO exactly, does he say things outright, or look these women up & down in your presence?
Is THIS the primary issue that started you down the wrong path, -catching him looking, maybe getting him to open up and being more hurt with his responses?
I am just assuming it must be MORE than just this. But I suppose even if a man has been totally faithful for many years, if a wife gets this in her head , this alone could drive a wedge, I just wonder if YOu are making more out of it -than he acually FEELS.
If so, that would be a shame. What does he say about his looking ? A "man thing" like every other guy on here. Is he UPSET that you view this so damaging & cant get past it -or does he acknowledge he has been a BAD husband and has taken it too far?
It has nothing to do with one person being "enough" or not. My floor is carpetted but my dog still makes circles before laying down on it. My house cat still likes to pretend "hunt" though she's never had to catch her own food. That's because evolution gave them those instincts. It's not a choice for them. Noticing women in terms of sexual attractiveness is not a choice for guys. Feeling competitive and critical of other women isn't entirely a choice for women. It's caveman stuff that we still drag around with us whether we like it or not.
In my experience (with another issue with my own husband, I was convincing myself of something that was NOT even true- I couldn't shake it, no matter what he said to me, I seen something else).
Sometimes our overly sensitive brains go off the deep end, because we do not LIKE a certain response or we feel a behaviour should be different-since it makes no living sense to us , we become STUCK, we let our hurt build, building in our minds to become a MOUNTAIN, possibly a mountain that is not even there for the man at all !
Is it at all possible this is true in your particular case?
What does your husband DO exactly, does he say things outright, or look these women up & down in your presence?
Is THIS the primary issue that started you down the wrong path, -catching him looking, maybe getting him to open up and being more hurt with his responses?
I am just assuming it must be MORE than just this. But I suppose even if a man has been totally faithful for many years, if a wife gets this in her head , this alone could drive a wedge, I just wonder if YOu are making more out of it -than he acually FEELS.
If so, that would be a shame. What does he say about his looking ? A "man thing" like every other guy on here. Is he UPSET that you view this so damaging & cant get past it -or does he acknowledge he has been a BAD husband and has taken it too far?
1. I don't like being lied to.
2. Yes, in my presence, not in my presence.
3. He doesn't think it is a big deal. He needs "variety".
4. Trivializes my feelings saying "oh come on".
5. I feel old and these women he checks out are 20 somethings.
Resentment baby. As I have mentioned before, marriage is skidding towards divorce. Although this is not the root cause of it, it certainly doesn't help.
1. I don't like being lied to.
2. Yes, in my presence, not in my presence.
3. He doesn't think it is a big deal. He needs "variety".
4. Trivializes my feelings saying "oh come on".
5. I feel old and these women he checks out are 20 somethings.
Resentment baby. As I have mentioned before, marriage is skidding towards divorce. Although this is not the root cause of it, it certainly doesn't help.
IF there was NO other root cause and HE was HONEST about this in the very beginning -how Men are visual,-he is visual, it is our nature, we like a little variety in our thought life -but his stressing going outside of that was an absolute NO NO, he loves you, but please understand him. Do you believe you could have "accepted" that or dumped him right then & there ?
I even asked my christian son this question today, he is 20yrs old, still a virgin by choice, He is head over heels for ONE GIRL for over a year now, he is all into "lets be friends 1st" and not pushing, has ZERO interest in anyone else. He treats all women with the utmost respect. EVEN he admits to the "Yes" "Maybe" "NO" way of instinct every time he looks at a woman. My son has VERY HIGH morality standards for himself, I think he is missing some of the fun in life , but he says NO. We accually argue about his morality sometimes, he tells me I am corrupt. The point being, even the greatest of moral men still DO this.
Does the way Unbelievable & Deejo describe this still offend you? I take it you believe your husband goes BEYOND what they are describing?
Window shopping is a sport, a little flirting and a tiny bit of jealousy from me to the wife or the wife to me has always been good fuel for the sexual part of the relationship.
IF there was NO other root cause and HE was HONEST about this in the very beginning -how Men are visual,-he is visual, it is our nature, we like a little variety in our thought life -but his stressing going outside of that was an absolute NO NO, he loves you, but please understand him. Do you believe you could have "accepted" that or dumped him right then & there ?
I even asked my christian son this question today, he is 20yrs old, still a virgin by choice, He is head over heels for ONE GIRL for over a year now, he is all into "lets be friends 1st" and not pushing, has ZERO interest in anyone else. He treats all women with the utmost respect. EVEN he admits to the "Yes" "Maybe" "NO" way of instinct every time he looks at a woman. My son has VERY HIGH morality standards for himself, I think he is missing some of the fun in life , but he says NO. We accually argue about his morality sometimes, he tells me I am corrupt. The point being, even the greatest of moral men still DO this.
Does the way Unbelievable & Deejo describe this still offend you? I take it you believe your husband goes BEYOND what they are describing?
Maybe I'm very old fashioned, but I don't think your son is missing out on anything. Sure, all of us can't help but look from time to time. Those of us who hold ourselves to an internal code of ethics, or religion, however, don't like this part of ourselves and try to prove ourselves to be above it.
Some of us, as men, see the capability for love in many women, and we are inspired by it. This leads to a relationship that is deeper and more profound, with benefits that far exceed any kind of guilty thoughts from looking at another woman. Through a good woman, we learn to be a good husband. We want her to feel secure and know that we understand that we have a good thing with her. So, I think its pretty amazing that your young son knows that there is something profound in a good relationship, and he's going for it. Yeah, it is possible that in midlife, he will question this decision, but as long as she doesn't, I bet it will carry him through the midlife stage. Many men in today's world, however, will never understand it, and will make fun of it.
One thing that many women forget is that this tendency to look is something we can admit on an anonymous board, but its harder to admit when looking into the mirror. Its very hard to admit when we're trying to raise a daughter, or a son.
People are always going to find other people attractive. It's human nature. I don't think it's a "not being enough" thing. As long as your partner is w/ you and committed to you and not disrespecting you by saying "Hey I really want to have sex with Michael/Kim", then I don't see the problem.
I think men are prob more visual and think of sex more but as long as neither party is acting on it, I don't see the problem.
But in the same area of a man's brain that doesn't think about the unconscious actions of breathing, blinking, or scratching an itch ... upon gazing at a female is a 'Yes', 'No', 'Maybe', 'Not in a million years' inventory that takes place. And that's it. It doesn't turn into wild, drawn out fantasies, or always equate to grossly inappropriate thoughts. It's a check box. That's it.
Honestly I think to a degree everyone does this. Granted, I don't think of sex bu if I see someone I think "He's handsome/He's not so handsome/ He's hot/ He's not/Helllllo, sexy."
It's just about seeing someone and finding them attractive or not.
1. I don't like being lied to.
2. Yes, in my presence, not in my presence.
3. He doesn't think it is a big deal. He needs "variety".
4. Trivializes my feelings saying "oh come on".
5. I feel old and these women he checks out are 20 somethings.
Resentment baby. As I have mentioned before, marriage is skidding towards divorce. Although this is not the root cause of it, it certainly doesn't help.
You are being very immature about this. Tell me, do you like being attractive when you go out, or do you only wear sweats? I notice your profile pic is of red f-me pumps, so I doubt the latter.
The truth is that ANY man who is attracted to women "sorts them into piles" as described by another writer here. Doable, not doable. Maybe there is some level of degree. It happens instantaneously, and it is not bad or wrong, and has nothing to do with "being enough."
As far as being enough, do you really want to be enough, or do you just want what you give to be enough? There's a big distinction between giving your husband enough, and expecting whatever you give him to be enough.
In the unlikely case that you really want to be enough, just make that known to your husband, that you are available for him whenever the whim strikes him. Try that for 30 days; I guarantee the rest of your marital conflicts will fade into the background. Come back here for your money back if not.
An acquaintance of mine is polygamist, as is their custom in their country. Wife 1 is always wife 1. The head wife. As she gets older she has less to do with her husband and a great deal more to do with the running of their rather large family. Wife 2 fulfills more of the traditional wifely duties now in terms of marital relations and sex and what not. Wife 3 they treat rather shabbily by our western standards. The other two wives treat her like a servant and scullery maid. But she will move up the ranks someday to be at least #2 if not head wife. Now if their husband takes a 4th wife she will be very young. If not then her rank in the family will be extremely hard to pin down and it will create a great deal of tension.
You are being very immature about this. Tell me, do you like being attractive when you go out, or do you only wear sweats? I notice your profile pic is of red f-me pumps, so I doubt the latter.
The truth is that ANY man who is attracted to women "sorts them into piles" as described by another writer here. Doable, not doable. Maybe there is some level of degree. It happens instantaneously, and it is not bad or wrong, and has nothing to do with "being enough."
As far as being enough, do you really want to be enough, or do you just want what you give to be enough? There's a big distinction between giving your husband enough, and expecting whatever you give him to be enough.
In the unlikely case that you really want to be enough, just make that known to your husband, that you are available for him whenever the whim strikes him. Try that for 30 days; I guarantee the rest of your marital conflicts will fade into the background. Come back here for your money back if not.
I think for her, it's being led in one direction, then the switch coming.
The ole' bait and switch.
It would piss anyone off.
I don't really mind my husband looking, but when he does it in front of me and makes it obvious - well, it's disrespectful and hurtful.
If I see a good looking guy, I don't turn my head, look them up and down or follow them with my eyes when I'm in the company of my husband - that's the difference.
Us, as women can sometimes have fragile self-esteem and confidence. Especially when we're bombarded constantly with scantily clad women that are directly designed to get our husband's attention - I know he likes looking - but just don't shove it down my throat or face.
As you get older, it gets worse. 20 years ago it bothered me a lot less than it does now, at 50.
Look, but don't make ME feel like crap when you do. You picked me, be satisfied with me, or dump me and got get someone else. Don't make ME feel inferior because I'm not 20 anymore or I don't have that long flowing blond hair or those perky breasts, etc. Then I won't make you feel inferior with that gray hair, pot-belly, and man-boobs.
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Re: Is this the way men really think...? 
