You can't reach your limit until you have set one.
Decide for you ... right now there is no 'us'. You need to understand that she is thinking along these lines as well. If she chooses to stay? It will be for her ... not for you. You need to get your head around that.
One of the biggest things in all this is ACCEPTANCE. I don’t mean acceptance by way of approval, not that at all. But just pure and simply Acceptance as in “What you see is what you get. What you see is very real”.
Refusing to accept things as they are (by calling it the fog) but instead trying to change them or hope they will change is I believe the biggest barrier to Accepting things as they are right now. But there is absolutely no moving forward until utter and complete Acceptance. Why? Because without acceptance you spin your wheels and burn up energy but get absolutely nowhere.
People change and sometimes the change is dramatic. If we don’t accept the person they’ve changed into, who they’ve become through their own life experiences, then we live with a person from the past. And in that way we cease to live with the person they changed into. The only way we can live with the person they’ve become, the person they are today is to ACCEPT them for the person the represent right now. If we don’t do that then we delude ourselves. Delusion is a serious form of mental illness. If you think you’re going mad during these times, you probably are. Once you ACCEPT the person for who they are now (warts and all) massive changes come about, almost on their own accord.
Another thing I learnt is that everybody on the planet does what they do for their own very selfish reasons. This includes the things your wife does and the things you do. Those selfish reasons, based on our core values and beliefs, either create a happy and harmonious marriage or they tear it apart.
Point taken AFEH. I think I just had another minor revelation. My W finally admitted to being scared of being married "long before the A" but she can't pinpoint when. She is finally talking again.
That being said this situation is what it is i see it for that. Perhaps the stumbling block of pushing real hard is that we both have the following in common. Neither one of us no longer want to see the other hurt. We don't want to see the kids hurt and at this point we are both scared of "marriage". Let's see then we have this thing stripped down to the base of the foundation everything is exposed or could be. But neither one of us want to push each other out the door. Hmmm????
But her talking comes after I put my foot down????
I still see her behavior as working from a place of fear?
I guess my problem is I see my family as the greater good. My marriage is only part of my family. Many spokes on the wheel.
You can't reach your limit until you have set one.
Decide for you ... right now there is no 'us'. You need to understand that she is thinking along these lines as well. If she chooses to stay? It will be for her ... not for you. You need to get your head around that.
Funny thing is, you know it when it hits you in the face.
It will be for her ... not for you. You need to get your head around that.
I think that’s one of life’s biggest lessons that many fail to learn. In that everybody on the planet, including our self, is ultimately selfish. I also think that when we recognise and accept this “pure selfishness” we become somewhat more enlightened about life and human nature.
Selflessness simply doesn’t exist. If it did, then the “self” would not exist. To “be selfless” is an absolute impossibility. Unless of course we’re dead.
And when you feel that boundary has been crossed and you are pushed again the same technology that makes affairs so easy allows you to get the legal forms you decide you need. Posted via Mobile Device
Stupid is stupid does. Confronted an issue, the answer was logical. However I have D papers and seperation papers typed up and ready to go. I am enforcing my boundary. The issue from our PM Sunday.
She doesn't get it yet she doesn't get the triggers.
I will watch the issue and act futher if I need to. Posted via Mobile Device
Steady as she goes my good man. Don't try reading between the lines. Take it at face value for now. Remember, it takes time for her to begin to look beyond herself in the self pity mode. As her love begins to regrow, it will come. My wife is STILL just beggining to think more and more about me and my feelings and reactions and what triggers me. She was blown away when i called her last week when she left for work way early. I knew why but it still triggered me. I sent her this text to remind her:
"I understand dear. Some things are triggers and that is one of them. I do trust you. In order to stop myself from continuing to worry and spinning out of control, it's best for me hear your voice. I'm high maintenance sometimes. I do my best to confront my fears and 99% of the time you even know I had a problem. I do that so you don't worry or feel like I don't trust you. Sometimes like the other day it works against us because you can't understand why I'm suddenly off. Fear and pain go together at those times and my fight or flight and self protection mode kicks in. Please try to be patient with me and hold me tight"
There was more. Go look up the song and lyrics by Incubus called Dig. After explaining to her why you reacted, send her the lyrics and song from youtube. She has to help you and be more cognizant and understanding of your needs. She will eventually. Right now she's still at the pity party.
Why on earth do you trust her, when she cheated? Trust is earned by trustworthy behavior over a long time. It's not a "trigger", it's a direct consequence of earlier action that you now don't trust her, even when you know the reason.
Seems to me that just as you have to live with the fact that she ran around, she has to live with the fact that you don't trust her. Don't apologize for it. It's a fact. If you someday reach a point where you really do trust her, you won't have to have these conversations.
Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA 
