Steady as she goes my good man. Don't try reading between the lines. Take it at face value for now. Remember, it takes time for her to begin to look beyond herself in the self pity mode. As her love begins to regrow, it will come. My wife is STILL just beggining to think more and more about me and my feelings and reactions and what triggers me. She was blown away when i called her last week when she left for work way early. I knew why but it still triggered me. I sent her this text to remind her:
"I understand dear. Some things are triggers and that is one of them. I do trust you. In order to stop myself from continuing to worry and spinning out of control, it's best for me hear your voice. I'm high maintenance sometimes. I do my best to confront my fears and 99% of the time you even know I had a problem. I do that so you don't worry or feel like I don't trust you. Sometimes like the other day it works against us because you can't understand why I'm suddenly off. Fear and pain go together at those times and my fight or flight and self protection mode kicks in. Please try to be patient with me and hold me tight"
There was more. Go look up the song and lyrics by Incubus called Dig. After explaining to her why you reacted, send her the lyrics and song from youtube. She has to help you and be more cognizant and understanding of your needs. She will eventually. Right now she's still at the pity party.
8yearscheating, if you have PTSD it is very serious stuff.
I had it but I’m way better now. Still, I know I’ll be triggered just by seeing my wife so I don’t go there. How on earth you’re getting through it is way beyond me.
Why on earth do you trust her, when she cheated? Trust is earned by trustworthy behavior over a long time. It's not a "trigger", it's a direct consequence of earlier action that you now don't trust her, even when you know the reason.
Seems to me that just as you have to live with the fact that she ran around, she has to live with the fact that you don't trust her. Don't apologize for it. It's a fact. If you someday reach a point where you really do trust her, you won't have to have these conversations.
I agree. Why do BSs think they have to show trust, to keep their wayward? BS!
Again Mandup - you don't now my situation. We have been reconciling for about 2 1/2 months. She ahs displayed all of the necessary behaviors for me to strt rebuilding trust. SHe let's me know when she is going to be late and where/why she is. She let me know why she was leaving early and I could see she was where she said she was. She is remorseful and understanding of my needs. I have issues I and mean I have to deal with - she helps but can't fix them for me. She is going through a number of major physical/health crisies right now and I have to be some what self sufficient to not add to extreme stress level - she is going in for catherization and stents on her heart in a week.
Yes she needs to know what I'm doing to protect her and help myself and be thankful for it - that was the part of the message I didn't write.
In summary, ask questions. Don't challenge or degrade me for something you don't know all the facts on. WE ARE DOING GREAT!
Yes AFEH, know all about PTSD and am workign through with the help of my IC. Confronting each of those triggers. Understanding why I react and reasoning/confronting my way through them. Do that enough and they begin to subside which they are day by day. The number one help is to stop the spinning out of control when it starts - usually be hearing her voice or talking with her and she assures me my fears are unfounded by proving what I fear is not happening.
Pile on with Mandup Tunera. Your in the same boat as he is. And Tunera, if you never trust again - would you expect your WS to want to stay with you? Who couldlive a life of constantly being beat on for their mistakes? My main marriage rule - do no harm - treat your spouse as you would want to be treated. Put yourself in their shoes once in a while.
Yes AFEH, know all about PTSD and am workign through with the help of my IC. Confronting each of those triggers. Understanding why I react and reasoning/confronting my way through them. Do that enough and they begin to subside which they are day by day. The number one help is to stop the spinning out of control when it starts - usually be hearing her voice or talking with her and she assures me my fears are unfounded by proving what I fear is not happening.
8years, you've been out of the affair scene for, what? Three months? In my experience on forums like this, I typically see a wayward break down and recontact the AP an average of 2 or 3 times, within a 12-18-month period.
I also typically see, when a wayward 'sees the light,' they are either reticent to go along with the 'restrictions,' or else they are gung ho, as your wife is, which usually lasts around 3 months. Then the euphoria of having admitted, made changes, and gotten glowing reports from their BS starts to fade, and they're left thinking. A lot. That's when the recontact often occurs.
I'm not singling you out as being stupid to trust. I'm saying that it is in a marriage's best interests to trust...but verify. For at least a year.
btw, I'm usually the main champion around here for putting yourself in your WS's shoes. But that doesn't mean you should expect them to clear the fog out of their head immediately. I think you're doing a great job; I just hope you don't get blindsided when she's having a down day and needs to 'hear' him.
Why on earth do you trust her, when she cheated? Trust is earned by trustworthy behavior over a long time. It's not a "trigger", it's a direct consequence of earlier action that you now don't trust her, even when you know the reason.
Seems to me that just as you have to live with the fact that she ran around, she has to live with the fact that you don't trust her. Don't apologize for it. It's a fact. If you someday reach a point where you really do trust her, you won't have to have these conversations.
btw, I'm usually the main champion around here for putting yourself in your WS's shoes. But that doesn't mean you should expect them to clear the fog out of their head immediately. I think you're doing a great job; I just hope you don't get blindsided when she's having a down day and needs to 'hear' him.
The fog ie= the real developed emotion of i fell in love withOM while still married and I didnt mean to.
Now i have to deal with that and i (DS/WW) actually dont want to hurt you never meant to but I was stupid foolish..........
A summary of things she has said and I have discovered, the way my W and i loved each other was not the classic falling in love. I dont think.
I only had that once. I was a teenager.
I think she experienced that for the first tim in the A. She will never admit it I am sure but, 2+2=4.
Shoot me down build me up I get strength to work so hard for this from my kids.
If I had met her in a bar it may be different but we were also friends for almost 10 Years before we had a relationship.
Is there not a greater good and don't things come full circle.
No matter how this ends up i learn more everyday and wish I knew all this 10 years ago.
Ya know what we can all go back and forth over any subject disagreeing or agreeing but I feel worse for those not seeking any help any information and just being stuck. No matter how it comes out this forum has it's benefits or we would all be in our own little fish bowls ........ anyways.
Marriage Counselor tomorrow, Slam me with the manned up version or any reminder of a better way to do it.
She will not prove to me she doesn't have a second cell phone. I said lie by omission. I handed her the options divorce and seperation papers. There the MC appointment subject. Told her she should head to our seasonal place come monday when I get home. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA 
