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Old 04-27-2011, 06:41 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

I Won't pile on. You've taken the steps and given her a choice. Give her a few days to stew in it and think. Just go dark. If she tries to be nice, let her know your waiting for an answer. Cordial isn't enough anymore. I know you hate it and are want the best for the kids. I also hated stepping that close to the cliff. The results and progress were worth it. Here's hoping she moves the right way for you. You're in my prayers. I'm not religious, it's just there are no atheists in a foxhole!
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Old 04-27-2011, 06:47 PM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

Side note - you have balls and courage to come this far and put it on the line like you just did! Here's a truckload of encouragement for ya!
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:30 PM   #48 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

Talk does nothing, only actions communicate.
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Old 04-27-2011, 10:09 PM   #49 (permalink)
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Yes I gave her the paper prefaced by a short letter of these are my requirements to work on this marriage ....No contact transparency counseling and more on the list. I said Step up and we work on this for real or we seperate. Gave her the seperation agreement, she got angry at the wording about custody.....whatever thats what she said months ago.''

She was late for work I didnt help ther wasn't much discussion.

So I snatched it back so she couldn't decide to get off cheap with a lawyer.
I was just speaking with a friend and said that if she doesn't get off the fence I will file. And I will.
I think come the middle of May we can use our seasonal. That would give me a few dark days, need a paycheck to have enough funds to file. And a counseling appointment. Or the papers at the counseling appointment with a pro marriage councillor I guess that would be awkward ....Oh well.
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Old 04-27-2011, 10:13 PM   #50 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

Quote:
Originally Posted by 8yearscheating View Post
Side note - you have balls and courage to come this far and put it on the line like you just did! Here's a truckload of encouragement for ya!
LOL at no athiests in a foxhole......haven't heard that in a while.

Thanks, emotionally tapped tonight. Not so sure i won the emotional Judo but I swear that negative vibe/ tension has been gone since we argued it out yesterday.
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Old 04-27-2011, 10:17 PM   #51 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by F-102 View Post
Alright, disbelief-I'm going to lower the boom on you.


What was that bulls**t about "no real answer"?
A lifetime norm for her actually to not answer a question. The kids do it to i don't get it.
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Old 04-27-2011, 10:31 PM   #52 (permalink)
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LOL at no athiests in a foxhole......haven't heard that in a while.

Thanks, emotionally tapped tonight. Not so sure i won the emotional Judo but I swear that negative vibe/ tension has been gone since we argued it out yesterday.
GOOD

Stay the course.

Do not let her even get the impression you're sweating.
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Old 04-28-2011, 05:41 PM   #53 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

DB, let me start by saying that maybe I came down hard with some words I used, but I was having a bad day, and I needed to drop my bombs-unfortunately, you were the first thing I saw.

But about the BS of "no real answer", of course the kids do it-they see mom getting away with it every time.

DB, PLEEEASE!!! You have to show those kids that there will be consequences, and that is the main reason that I came down on you. Otherwise, they will grow up thinking that looking down on the floor is acceptable. Didn't you say you were military? (I may be mistaken) But what would your CO or 1SGT do to you if you just "looked at the floor" when they asked you a question?
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Old 04-28-2011, 07:05 PM   #54 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

Great point. Our kids become replicas of ourselves.
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Old 04-28-2011, 09:03 PM   #55 (permalink)
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DB, let me start by saying that maybe I came down hard with some words I used, but I was having a bad day, and I needed to drop my bombs-unfortunately, you were the first thing I saw.

But about the BS of "no real answer", of course the kids do it-they see mom getting away with it every time.

DB, PLEEEASE!!! You have to show those kids that there will be consequences, and that is the main reason that I came down on you. Otherwise, they will grow up thinking that looking down on the floor is acceptable. Didn't you say you were military? (I may be mistaken) But what would your CO or 1SGT do to you if you just "looked at the floor" when they asked you a question?
Your right on the no answers thing. If I had figured out it was her bottling it up and building up resentment maybe then to things would be different in her head. Still I do not take responsibility for Affair. IC and i discussed some of this today.
Most of our disagreeing is done when the kids are at school so lucky for them/me I have them the majority of the time. I only had a few weeks when i was really off with them. Otherwise I have been able to remain consistent with all aspects of their lives.

F 102- I have wanted to ask If you flew them.

Came down hard, if i couldn't handle it I wouldn't be typing right now.
That's part of the problem today, you cant yell at anyone, you can't really punish, you have to PC everything and be careful not to hurt feelings.................

If every kid in the world had a good dose of tough love balanced by the norm this country would be in a much better place.

So Yup I am a nice guy. My dad is a nice guy and at 67 is finally fed up with my mom at a great personal and financial expense to himself. Gave him the NMMNG book.

So to go through with that yesterday went against the fiber of my being and that is why I came into this forum. I needed the backing she needed a push. I would have backed down otherwise. The great thing about this forum is for all I know I see you everyday at the gas station, but the anonimity allows for blatant honesty. If that makes me grow up more than fine .

Why havent i filed for Divorce: I actually love this woman and I believe when you really love someone if you are strong enough secure enough in yourself and have reached the point after this shock that you realize you can live with or without them it becomes a choice.
To me it is a logical choice, I could make it a math choice by budget and the number of times a week I will have to see her anyway. The simple fact that we really haven't worked to recover yet. So I was hoping pushing her off the fence would push her to recovery however I now believe she is to afraid to face herself. I also believe that if we actually worked at it we could reconcile in a healthy way.

The kids are the next victims they know we have some disagreements but there are no yelling matches. There are no real indicators to them. I have seen stats that the kids suffer so much and I have 4 12 and under, YAY........regression, depression etc etc.
It was 24 hours from the time I gave her everything yesterday until I saw her again. She got up to get ready for work, obviously sad, she asked me why I bought somethin the honest response was because i thought my wife would like it she teared up shortly after.

We Had an event for our kids at the church. She actually had to go in I am wondering If she is surprised she didn't burst into flames . She went to work, and texted saying, "She will write a note when she can find the words that will not cause her harm. She said she won't threaten anymore(moving out) She just needs some time to put her stuff together. She believes i will be happier. That she can see and that is all she wants for me"(hmm she should have thought of that before the A)
I told it is her choice to leave this Marriage because the honest truth is I want my family whole and Healthy.

She doesn't believe me............yet she broke the trust.

To me giving it the all is at least putting a year into it regular MC, a solid weekend retreat of some type and coaching or mentoring by someone who has been there recovered from that.

So no I do not want to live in an unhealthy marriage no, but am i still willing to work yes call me crazy.

For the record I actually feel ok right now.
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Old 04-28-2011, 10:49 PM   #56 (permalink)
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you are totally crazy. My parents getting divorced was the best thing that ever happened to me. Just because you love her does not mean she loves you. What kind of marriage is that? There is merit to wanting to make things work, but after plowing through your entire back story I honestly have to agree with basically everyone else and say get your sh** together and get out. She is stringing you along, and you are stringing your kids along. Let go already, it's going nowhere.
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Old 04-29-2011, 04:48 AM   #57 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

Disbelief,
I woke up one day and realised I could make my love for my wife a choice. Before that I simply didnít believe I had a choice. I then looked at what I was getting back from being the no choice ďin loveĒ with my wife. I saw I was getting back way less than I was putting in so I decided to no longer be in love with her, to no longer love her.

That thought changed my world and Iíve never regretted it in the same way that I never regretted being in love with my wife.

Bob
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Old 04-29-2011, 05:43 AM   #58 (permalink)
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Disbelief,
I woke up one day and realised I could make my love for my wife a choice. Before that I simply didnít believe I had a choice. I then looked at what I was getting back from being the no choice ďin loveĒ with my wife. I saw I was getting back way less than I was putting in so I decided to no longer be in love with her, to no longer love her
That thought changed my world and Iíve never regretted it in the same way that I never regretted being in love with my wife.

Bob
Thanks Bob, That really resonates with me. No matter the final outcome at least now I will. Be able to look in the mirror for the rest of my life and say I tried, I gave it my all and that's all I could do.
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Old 04-29-2011, 06:46 AM   #59 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

I completely understand why you continue to pursue R with her and have had the the patience to try and let her work things out in her mind. She appears to be the same stubborn person my wife is and in that stubborn attitude comes a belief that she has to do what is the right thing for you, which in her mind is to set you free. She believes you have been damaged enough and does not think she deserves to have a chance with you because of what she has done. Hopefully, she will look past herself and realize you are indeed still in love with her and that you deserve a chance together to try.

IN fact, you should make the point to her, that she owes you that chance and should not be making a decision for you to end it it.

Your in my thoughts and prayers. If you need to talk for any reason, call. I'll be offline for a time today because my wife is testifying against a defendant that is well liked and expected to have crowd of supporters at the courthouse today. Going to provide her some sense of security after the preliminary trial. c*cked, locked and ready to rock if one of these supporters tries something stupid. Call me anytime.
8
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Old 04-29-2011, 07:08 AM   #60 (permalink)
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Thanks 8, be careful out there. I should be good today. Bigger headache than heartache rt now. Good points made by all here, and that is why I stick around or I would be stuck in my own head. No matter the outcome I have a lifetime of interacting with my W. The youngest is 6. So the minimum goal is amicable co-parenting.

Sunshine, fresh air, birds chirping..............It's A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!
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