Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA - Page 5
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships »The Men's Clubhouse » Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 04-29-2011, 03:18 PM   #61 (permalink)
Member
 
F-102's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Chicago 'burbs
Posts: 3,502
Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

Thanks for your words, DB. No, I did not fly F-102s (they were retired shortly after I was born!), but I am a huge aviation buff, and I build a lot of model planes, most of them are here in my den, and when I first signed on to this site, I was looking for a name, and my eyes fell on a model of the "Deuce", so there it is.

But I will say, I admire your patience, and I wish I had it-I would have checked out of your situation long ago, but your situation reminds me of something I tell myself:

"I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell ME what to do, and I tell me to work the problem on MY terms."

Still in your corner, if you want me.
F-102 is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-29-2011, 04:01 PM   #62 (permalink)
Member
 
disbelief's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,105
Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

Ill take any backing in my corner! and like I said if nobody is there to call me out when I appear to be acting stupid what am I gonna learn.
I guess effectively it would be constructive criticism. I am like my dad I am very patient I have a very long fuse I don't get truly mad very often but when I do its usually ugly, not violent just ugly.

So either way she needs to express her intentions more clearly, she feels she has been trying. I made it clear 48 hours ago it wasn't enough. I am going about my day as if she isn't here bonus is. Kids can stay outside and play instead of me having to pack everyone into the car for one errand. She gets the errand.

Im with my kids..............burning food!!!!
Posted via Mobile Device
disbelief is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2011, 09:36 AM   #63 (permalink)
Member
 
alphaomega's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,351
Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

Disbelief,

I can't help but get the impression in your writing that it smacks of self pity and confusion.......maybe I'm wrong...

Time to man up. A part of What manning up truly is. Stay. Go. Wait. It doesn't matter. Just be confident in YOUR decision. Make one and stick with it until you can't anymore because factors change, etc. You can't make or force her to decide anything or think in a certain way. You only have control of you. So get off the pity ride and be confident in your decision, your future, and how YOU will shape that future. No one else, including your wife, gets to make those decisions for you. If u keep thinking that way, then you are truly a beta and are nothing more than a slaving participant in your own life..thinking you are in control when in reality you are not.

You control your own emotions. You control your own happiness. You control your own destiny. Make it happen.
Posted via Mobile Device
alphaomega is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2011, 01:03 PM   #64 (permalink)
Member
 
disbelief's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,105
Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

I must present self pity then it is not how I feel. My ic says I present with confidence and that I am much more in control than at the begining of this.

I need the man up kick in the pants its easy to slide back to nice guy.
I Set my needs/ stated boundaries I will giver her a while for it to sink in, I am confident I can live without her.
Posted via Mobile Device
disbelief is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2011, 09:39 PM   #65 (permalink)
Member
 
disbelief's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,105
Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

well a great day for my kids First Communion. No earth shattering supernatural events occurred when my W was in the church for more that an hour and actually recv'd communion for the first time in ages.

Anyway I just reread about half of the fitness testing thread, I think i actually read it back when i was still in shock.

I am beginnig to think she is testing me. She says she will not trust anyone ever again. As illogical as that is to me since she had the A.

But this is the third time we have had a heated argument about issues it leads up to R talk and her leaving, I say go, the more she breaks out accusations the more firmly I stand my ground. (maybe it's the wrong approach) but I do not dismiss in fact I reinforce how strong my love has always been for her and will be and so on.
Disagreement goes on she cries says leave me alone. I say I am done move out do whatever you want I don't care I will be fine.

Now after these three well maybe four disagreements just like this she ends up being more than nice to me, and agreeable. She ends up calling me with her "plans/schedule" The more I show little concern the more she talks.

So regardless of how this affects the current situation but to help me learn for the future, any future relationship, is this the testing?

She said she was going to talk to the kids about leaving next week. I told her to go ahead.
Today was her only day off between 3 on and 4 on so I won't see much of her. For the record i don't believe her. This is when I get to see how accurate my gut is for the future as well.
disbelief is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2011, 10:01 PM   #66 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The Great Lake State
Posts: 1,416
Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

Sounds to me like you are starting to get some clarity and insight into why she is behaving as she is. Ever consider how her past impacts how she behaves now?
Posted via Mobile Device
8yearscheating is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2011, 10:22 PM   #67 (permalink)
Member
 
disbelief's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,105
Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

For months I have been considering this as a partialt result of her lifetime of supressed issues. I keep digging deeper, confronting issues she brings up. Heck I asked her one night if she ever wished her parents would be back together she answered sometimes. I wonder how many other layers of unresolved issues there are.
wish I found this board years ago and had started seeking knowledge then.
Posted via Mobile Device
disbelief is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2011, 11:07 PM   #68 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 6,468
Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

You are "causing" your own downfall by telling her how much you love her because you still don't see the simple, brutal logic of this situation. The more you say "I love you and always will" the more she hears "I will ALWAYS be willing to be your plan B". No matter WHAT ELSE you say during those conversations she hears you crying out "plan B, plan B, plan B".

Her constant little games with you - I call them "precipice dancing" where she threatens to throw the marriage off the edge of the "precipice" and you try to convince her not to - they are all the same. She is indirectly asking "Will you, oh will you be my plan B" and you are saying "YES YES YES".

The reason I have a great marriage - I am either PLAN A, or I am GONE. Very simple, very clear EVERYTHING I do during a precipice dance reinforces that message. And as my W starts thinking - damn - gone means - damn he will be with someone else within a year at most, at which point there is zero chance of recovery - she begins to frantically backpedal away from the edge of the cliff.

And PART of that is I NEVER, and I mean NEVER talk about how I feel during the dance. It is all about HER. So I say "If you don't want to be here - I think it is best for you to leave. You SHOULD leave. I don't want you to be unhappy". And the thing is I MEAN it. She knows me. I like chess and I don't play poker. I am not into bluffing. If I push ALL my chips to the middle of the table it means I have a straight flush.


Quote:
Originally Posted by disbelief View Post
For months I have been considering this as a partialt result of her lifetime of supressed issues. I keep digging deeper, confronting issues she brings up. Heck I asked her one night if she ever wished her parents would be back together she answered sometimes. I wonder how many other layers of unresolved issues there are.
wish I found this board years ago and had started seeking knowledge then.
Posted via Mobile Device
MEM11363 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2011, 12:41 AM   #69 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 24,616
Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

Quote:
Originally Posted by disbelief View Post
She said she was going to talk to the kids about leaving next week. I told her to go ahead.
This is a mistake. You need to tell them first, and YOUR version of why.

She is NOT your friend, ok?

You're sitting back waiting, expecting her to CARE about you, how you feel, and how you LOOK.

She doesn't. And she will lie, justify, and make you look like **** if the kids give her a hard time. And they will.

You think she's going to say "I'm a bad person and your dad is wonderful, and you should stay with him"? Uh, no.

Tell them yourself before she has a chance to twist the events to make her look good.

Mind you, I'm not telling you to make HER look bad, either. Just tell the truth.
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2011, 12:51 AM   #70 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 30
Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

God, what a horrible situation.

Do you watch Sex in the City or Desperate Housewives? How about Oprah or Dr. Phil? Ever watch Eat Pray Love? Do you read Harlequin romance novels? These all empower women to treat their husbands exactly the way you're being treated.

Women are encouraged to cheat, because they "owe it to themselves to find happiness" and all that crap. It's all about feelings.

She'll go to divorce court and get the house, pension, kids, and a huge monthly check from you, and you'll be living in a cheesy apartment someplace.

I think it's your duty to warn some of the young men, my age and younger, about the consequences of marrying a woman in the USA or Canada. Once it's all over and done with, I hope you will. There is literally no benefit to a man.

I am sorry for you, for what this culture has done to you. My own father was a slave for years, and my abusive mom made me take part in it. I still feel the guilt of her abuse. It's the sort of abuse that has become normal.

Be well, and do not blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. I hope for your safety and your children's well being.
boxer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2011, 02:45 AM   #71 (permalink)
Member
 
disbelief's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,105
Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

Your all right on several points the wrong filter was on th brain to mouth. Things might come to a head in the morning
Someone remind me of the correct thing to say to children 12 and under when mommys leaving.
Posted via Mobile Device
disbelief is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2011, 02:55 AM   #72 (permalink)
Member
 
disbelief's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,105
Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

So here's my moment woke up because my youngest came in. Can't sleep ticked off. Its in me rt now to finish gathering her stuff for her. With the thought of on the doorstep when she gets home.
Posted via Mobile Device

Last edited by disbelief; 05-01-2011 at 03:18 AM.
disbelief is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2011, 04:33 AM   #73 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 4,725
Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

Quote:
Originally Posted by disbelief View Post
Someone remind me of the correct thing to say to children 12 and under when mommys leaving.
Posted via Mobile Device
That's "Victim Thinking" and "Victim Talking". What you are saying is “I am a Victim”.

Bob
AFEH is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2011, 04:35 AM   #74 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 4,725
Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
You are "causing" your own downfall by telling her how much you love her because you still don't see the simple, brutal logic of this situation. The more you say "I love you and always will" the more she hears "I will ALWAYS be willing to be your plan B". No matter WHAT ELSE you say during those conversations she hears you crying out "plan B, plan B, plan B".

Her constant little games with you - I call them "precipice dancing" where she threatens to throw the marriage off the edge of the "precipice" and you try to convince her not to - they are all the same. She is indirectly asking "Will you, oh will you be my plan B" and you are saying "YES YES YES".

The reason I have a great marriage - I am either PLAN A, or I am GONE. Very simple, very clear EVERYTHING I do during a precipice dance reinforces that message. And as my W starts thinking - damn - gone means - damn he will be with someone else within a year at most, at which point there is zero chance of recovery - she begins to frantically backpedal away from the edge of the cliff.

And PART of that is I NEVER, and I mean NEVER talk about how I feel during the dance. It is all about HER. So I say "If you don't want to be here - I think it is best for you to leave. You SHOULD leave. I don't want you to be unhappy". And the thing is I MEAN it. She knows me. I like chess and I don't play poker. I am not into bluffing. If I push ALL my chips to the middle of the table it means I have a straight flush.
I find it hard to understand how some just don’t get it no matter how many times they’re told.

The “refusal” and inability to do anything new, anything different is truly amazing.

Bob
AFEH is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2011, 04:44 AM   #75 (permalink)
Member
 
disbelief's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,105
Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

I am almost done packing her clothes. She should be home from her sisters mid morning
didn't mean to sound like a vivtim wasn't my thinking I was actually going over things to say to the kids.

That and the word of. Popeye keep going through my head " I've taken all I can stand, I can't stand no more"

But somebody tell me I am doing the right thing because I need to stand my ground and I can feel inside it's going to be hard.
Posted via Mobile Device
disbelief is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
First post: Am I losing my wife? (Long post) andyp Dealing with Grief and Loss 9 08-16-2011 01:40 PM
Manned up? - In control v being controlling... Neil The Men's Clubhouse 7 03-26-2011 10:43 AM
My first post. How to regain trust? (Very long post) loveandmarriage General Relationship Discussion 9 08-28-2008 10:39 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:09 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage