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Old 05-01-2011, 09:39 PM   #106 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

So my afternoon turned out OK. I am just catching up on messages and so on. W I think was most effected by my 12 Y/O reaction. She didn't get much from him, he didnt say much at all I was in the room most of the time. Maybe it will wake her up IDK.
She left the second time after talking with the kids around 330-400PM, she only talked normal stuff with my other kids. Oldest wasn't home, I am pretty sure he knows the whole deal. Kids played outside had a good afternoon.

I took the kids to church for 5 she knew we were going she came back and sacked out on our basement couch. All her stuff is still in her truck. She is either sick hung over or emotionally/ physically ill, I am not worrying about her. I am acting as if she is at work therefore I am doing what I need to do which means disrupting her because she is in the room I need to keep going into Oh Well at this point.
She must have therefore called in sick for work.

So much for the hotel she was going to goto??

I didn't expect her to be here and quite simply couldn't bother confronting it getting 4 kids fed cleaned and to bed was more important.

Thats where I am at.
Not sure what I should do with tomorrow.
Off day for me, she works the night so one place or another she will be sleeping all afternoon?
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Old 05-01-2011, 10:43 PM   #107 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

I'm pretty sure I would wake her up and walk her to her truck. Or get her stuff from the truck, drive it to a hotel, get a room, throw all her stuff in it and then go back to the house and give her the key.
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Old 05-01-2011, 11:16 PM   #108 (permalink)
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Keep going disbelief.

We are not in your shoes and not in your situation. Do what you think is right. Continue to shake her - she needs to get off the fence.
I would press the Retrovalle weekend or other couples retreat. She needs to committ or leave. I see you're also getting some good help elsewhere on how to handle this. Those folks are pretty spot on with their analysis.


Still praying for you my Catholic Brother!
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Old 05-02-2011, 10:29 AM   #109 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

Yeah, you may need to be a little stronger than usual. In fact, if I were you, I'd ask a friend to come over, so he can help you 'help her' out of there. Don't do it by yourself because she may try to place the DV card to get to stay.
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Old 05-02-2011, 10:55 AM   #110 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

She can play that card, I don't want to spend the money I would rather buy the kids a 4 awheeler or disney trip.

12 year old son brought some reality to that yesterday.
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Old 05-02-2011, 11:20 AM   #111 (permalink)
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MEM,

Sticky this comment. This is the most direct and straightforward explanation about what manning up truly is.

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Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
You are "causing" your own downfall by telling her how much you love her because you still don't see the simple, brutal logic of this situation. The more you say "I love you and always will" the more she hears "I will ALWAYS be willing to be your plan B". No matter WHAT ELSE you say during those conversations she hears you crying out "plan B, plan B, plan B".

Her constant little games with you - I call them "precipice dancing" where she threatens to throw the marriage off the edge of the "precipice" and you try to convince her not to - they are all the same. She is indirectly asking "Will you, oh will you be my plan B" and you are saying "YES YES YES".

The reason I have a great marriage - I am either PLAN A, or I am GONE. Very simple, very clear EVERYTHING I do during a precipice dance reinforces that message. And as my W starts thinking - damn - gone means - damn he will be with someone else within a year at most, at which point there is zero chance of recovery - she begins to frantically backpedal away from the edge of the cliff.

And PART of that is I NEVER, and I mean NEVER talk about how I feel during the dance. It is all about HER. So I say "If you don't want to be here - I think it is best for you to leave. You SHOULD leave. I don't want you to be unhappy". And the thing is I MEAN it. She knows me. I like chess and I don't play poker. I am not into bluffing. If I push ALL my chips to the middle of the table it means I have a straight flush.
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Old 05-02-2011, 11:25 AM   #112 (permalink)
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She can play that card, I don't want to spend the money I would rather buy the kids a 4 awheeler or disney trip.

12 year old son brought some reality to that yesterday.
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You're not understanding me.

If someone tells her (or she just decides) that she doesn't HAVE to leave, well, she's a woman. All she has to do is call the police when you two are alone in the house, and say he's threatening to kill me, and bam! Out the door YOU go. Domestic violence is a slippery slope, my friend. One of the posters here had to leave his house, had to PAY for her to live there as well as his own house, and was not allowed to go there to visit his kids. The COURT ordered that, and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it, justified or not.

Invite someone over if she's still there.
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Old 05-02-2011, 11:31 AM   #113 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

Hate to say it but there are too many folks creating somehting that is not there. She has shown no negative behaviour that woudl lead to Dis believing she would pull something like an abuse charge. If she does so be it, cross that bridge then. It seem like everyone forgets the main tennant of marriage is to do no harm. It applies to BOTH parties. If she ddn't leave, it would seem to me she is saying she wis willing to try. Not verbalized yet, but leaning that way. Let's throw gas on the fire...gee I wonder what will happen.
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Old 05-02-2011, 12:21 PM   #114 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
You're not understanding me.

If someone tells her (or she just decides) that she doesn't HAVE to leave, well, she's a woman. All she has to do is call the police when you two are alone in the house, and say he's threatening to kill me, and bam! Out the door YOU go. Domestic violence is a slippery slope, my friend. One of the posters here had to leave his house, had to PAY for her to live there as well as his own house, and was not allowed to go there to visit his kids. The COURT ordered that, and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it, justified or not.

Invite someone over if she's still there.
Ahh Yeah! my bad brain malfunction read DV thought divorce not domestic violence.

I will keep clear of that any heated discussion the droid has multiple recording capabilities.
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Old 05-02-2011, 12:38 PM   #115 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

She is now stirring enough to send her back to this will never work, looking for me to say no don't go. Instead she got here's a synopsis, from me to her after all her negative statements. " sorry I was wrong, you must be right that I was a fool to think there was hope for this marriage, thank you for the compliment that I think I am the perfect dad and greater than everybody else in the world. So you want and need to move out the seasonal will be ready in a couple weeks then we can talk in september. I will prepare so I can help the kids adjust when you leave even though you say they will be fine" Thats the jist of it, i noticed several statements of her looking for "no please don't go"
But all my cards are on the table. I am prepared for her to leave. Are the kids NO, deal with it if I have to.
I will not ask her to stay I need to remeber that. She cannot answer key questions like:
You have been saying you are going to leave so why aren't you gone yet? ????????????????

All her clothes still in her truck. She's still in the house sleeping for work.
I know kick her out, she'll call the cops and say she can legally be here, because she can.

Thats it dont think there will be much else to post for a few days. Plan B go dark as I can, kids and events make it difficult.
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Old 05-02-2011, 12:48 PM   #116 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

Best plan I've heard. Your maintining your position and leaving the ball in her court where it belongs. You are being realistic in what you can and can't do. Start making a list of the things you need in seperation agreement and what you need to do to protect yourself financially. i.e. sperate bank and CC accounts. How she will pay child support and mortgage/home upkeep, etc. etc.. Those costs and expected date of payment should be in the seperation agreement along with visitation/custody of the kids. It may all be unnecessary, but it's better to have a plan. If she says she's definitely going, you then pull it out and start discussing it. It will also prepare you for the eventuality and if it's necessary, a dose of reality for her.
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Old 05-02-2011, 12:54 PM   #117 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

A comment to all the man up/ALPHA/take a hard line folks. How many of you can point to reconciled marriage that is progressing well? How many of you are divorced or seperated? Unless you are in the former category, how can you possibly state firmly your methods are successful? Is Disbeliefs situation EXACTLY like yours? Do you take the first rule of marriage as gospel "DO NO HARM"? DO you use head games to get what you want and is that a realistic way to build trust and confidence in a hope for reconciliation? I agree you need to take the right tact based on where your wayward spouse is - especially if they are in a fog. There also must a be a point where complete and total honesty replaces game playing. Yes disbelief needed to push her off the fence and he is.
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Old 05-02-2011, 01:03 PM   #118 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

8,
Do you think what I suggest is a type of "head game"?


Quote:
Originally Posted by 8yearscheating View Post
A comment to all the man up/ALPHA/take a hard line folks. How many of you can point to reconciled marriage that is progressing well? How many of you are divorced or seperated? Unless you are in the former category, how can you possibly state firmly your methods are successful? Is Disbeliefs situation EXACTLY like yours? Do you take the first rule of marriage as gospel "DO NO HARM"? DO you use head games to get what you want and is that a realistic way to build trust and confidence in a hope for reconciliation? I agree you need to take the right tact based on where your wayward spouse is - especially if they are in a fog. There also must a be a point where complete and total honesty replaces game playing. Yes disbelief needed to push her off the fence and he is.
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Old 05-02-2011, 01:03 PM   #119 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 8yearscheating View Post
A comment to all the man up/ALPHA/take a hard line folks. How many of you can point to reconciled marriage that is progressing well? How many of you are divorced or seperated? Unless you are in the former category, how can you possibly state firmly your methods are successful? Is Disbeliefs situation EXACTLY like yours? Do you take the first rule of marriage as gospel "DO NO HARM"? DO you use head games to get what you want and is that a realistic way to build trust and confidence in a hope for reconciliation? I agree you need to take the right tact based on where your wayward spouse is - especially if they are in a fog. There also must a be a point where complete and total honesty replaces game playing. Yes disbelief needed to push her off the fence and he is.
We are not telling him to play head games. We are telling him to take a stand. His "unconditional love" approach hasn't worked, so it's time to stop being a doormat and stand up for HIS rights and happiness. If u read closely, she's the one playing head games with HIM. What do YOU do when someone is playing head games with you? You tell them...."OK! Enough is enough already! Make up your mind! "
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Old 05-02-2011, 01:34 PM   #120 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help keep me manned up, post EA/PA

MEM - from your post on the other page absolutely not. Alpha I agree - take a line and stick to it. Walk her to the truck, throw her out, put her **** in the street, those are games. Take a hard line, I agree completely and he's done that. He is letting her know he will not hold on forever and she has to make a decision. Worrying about whether she will call the cops on an abuse charge - worthless - if she is going to , she will. Going in eyes wide open and expecting the worse but hoping for the best helps you to maintain clarity. Changing the locks - again a game. Who in thier right mind would keep a mother from her children unless she was being truly abusive. People need to think about what they post and turn up the BS filter.
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