My wife is a stay-at-home mom. I'm in the military, and after our third baby, my mother-in-law came to help out for the year that I was deployed. After I got back, mom went back home, and my wife suddenly stopped doing anything except shopping, watching TV, surfing the internet, and visiting her girlfriends. Fast-forward four years and all the kids are either in school or daycare/preschool. She has the house to herself from 9 AM until 4:30 PM, when she has to pick up the kids (I don't get home from work until around 6:30 PM). Her daily schedule: she drops the kids off at school, then heads to the gym, goes swimming, has lunch with her friends, does some shopping (yes, every day), picks the kids up at 4:30, comes home and makes them dinner, then watches TV or talks on the phone or reads a book. I get home and make myself a sandwich--every night, Monday-Friday. She does all the grocery shopping, once a week.
I get up at 5:30 AM every day, off to work, home by 6:30 (sometimes 7) PM. At night, I wash the clothes (which otherwise pile up); I wash the dishes from the kids' dinner and their breakfast earlier that day; I pick up their toys; and clean up the spills that litter the kitchen table and floor. I vacuum the house every Saturday morning. During the week, when I come home at night, I routinely find that she didn't even make the bed from that morning. On top of all that, I only get about 20 minutes of 'intimacy' every month or so. My wife and I are both college graduates, both with professional degrees. We always said that she'd re-Board and go back to work once the last baby entered preschool (she was a dentist before we had kids). Now, she shrugs when I bring it up and makes an excuse that she's been away for too many years. I think, honestly, that her mother spoiled her while I was deployed; and she's turned in to a lazy woman.
Your goodwill and nature have been and are being seriously abused by your wife. It will continue while you are prepared to tolerate it. You sound like the classic Nice Guy doormat.
I would say that your wife has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. You have to take ownership of that in that somehow you lost her respect and you’ve got to get it back because without it you don’t have very much. Think back to your service days.
Read the sticky at the top of the Men’s Clubhouse and start your own thread. You’re on a journey of “manning up”, there’s plenty here who will help you.
Look at her, in to her eyes... until she is looking at you, do it with love. Tell her she is an amazing woman (yes I sound nuts I know) tell her that you want the girls to beable to learn from her example... talk of the future and when they get older and go off to get married... Tell her that you loved when she helped, express frustration that you are left doing so much... look at her and tell her you need her!
Often times it is a lack of communication! tell her what you want , what you need.... she isnt a mind reader and odds are is she started to shut down because she didnt feel needed or wanted or appreciated for what she was doing.... you may have told her but women have a way of missing that stuff or having it not mean as much over time, just as men selective hear things...
Last time we argued over this she complained that the girls got paid 75 cents per load of laundry and the fact that she gets treated from a different standard than the kids.
I know this thread is a necroed thread but this caught my attention. In this case I would throw her a couple of dollars a week and tell her she is ****ing grounded to her room every day until that damn 700$ vacuum has been run.
yes, my wife has done this, hwoever she works 39 hours where i do about 25....but still its not very nice when i work a 10 hour day and come home to dirty dishes and empty cups and cans of coke everywhere. we fight about it a lot.
yes, my wife has done this, hwoever she works 30 hours where i do about 25....but still its not very nice when i work a 10 hour day and come home to dirty dishes and empty cups and cans of coke everywhere. we fight about it a lot.
Whilst this does sound bad for your wife... i would like to play the devil advocate here.. so please humor me!
What you list here is only a small part of what keeps a house nice, clean and tidy.
Let me explain MY situation...
My hubby is great!
He does alot around the house and property BUT but he has NEVER scrubbed any of the toilets(we have 3x) or the showers/bathtubs(3x).
I wash all floors, windows, paintwork etc...
He never pulls out draws/cupboards to do an organise.
I regulary sort through the kids (3x sons) clothes, shoes, toys, books etc... to cull out all the stuff they have outgrown (in more ways than one)
Hubby never dusts or polishes anything. I clean the fridge/cupboards/pantry, defrost the freezer, do the ironing, strip the beds and changes sheets
In fact he doesn't realise these things need doing or even ever get done... I suppose they aren't important to him.
Who in your house cleans the fridge, defrosts the freezer, does the ironing, strips the beds, flips the mattress and changes the sheets?
PS: If you are already doing all these things...then you deserve a medal (I applaude you) and she doesn't deserve you!
If she doesn't like doing dishes - and many people don't - why don't you agree that that will be YOUR chore, so she can concentrate on all the other chores that she's more likely to do with more enthusiasm?
IDK, but do you meet her needs emotionally and sexually with all this resentment Im reading in your posts? Paying the bills and doing chores may not be what is meaningful to her and that is pretty much all Im seeing that goes on from your end. Having been married 12 1/2 of the last 15 years, I do know that any resentment spills over into the bedroom for most married couples.
I do 95% of all chores in my house. All dishes, laundry, cleaning bathrooms, picking up clutter, bathing the kids at night. She cooks dinner, and chauffeurs them around all day from school and therapies (my kids are both special needs). I go to work and school full time on top of all that. She says she cannot do any of these chores because her back and shoulder hurts due to kyphosis the neck, and she has frequent migraines. So I paid for a gym for her to lose weight, got her hooked up with a chiropractor, and signed her up for a monthly massage therapist. She is going to the gym now, and seems determined to lose weight. I decided not to attack her (as I had in the past, which lead to screaming matches), take her word for it.
She says she appreciates what I do, tells me how much she loves me, and has warmed up in the intimacy department. I'm keeping a close eye on her physical progress, expecting that when her strength and endurance returns, she'd pick up more of the chores.
Even so, I still feel resentment, and even after years of being together, it lingers in the back of my mind, "is she taking advantage...?" But when the wife cites physical restrictions, one can either accept and attempt to aid (while expecting proactive improvement over time), or deny. Denial never leads to anything pleasant, that's for sure. I'd rather not lose my kids over it, or miss my life over feeling angry every day.
I look at it this way. If I were a single Dad, what difference would this make? Would it be easier? No. I'd have to do more, AND worry about daycare. If she were not taking steps to improve her health, then I think the anger would spill over into something ugly, but as long as there's progress, I think I might be able to deal for a while longer...I do love her...
balor, I like your attitude. I will suggest, however, that you sit down with her and go over the chores. Find things that she can do. For example, we keep a bag full of socks that need to be matched, as we never seem to get them washed at the same time. When I see my husband sitting on the couch watching tv, I just hand him the bag. He gets to keep watching tv and I get one less chore to do. I also drop loads of towels on the couch next to him, and he knows I expect him to fold them. (now if I could just get him to put them away!)
Find things like that that she can do - it will help with her self esteem (assuming she's not just a selfish woman who has no intention of stepping up). Polishing silver, putting photos into photo albums, take the junk drawer or jewelry box or container of nuts and bolts over to her and ask her to organize them, ask her to cut coupons, ask her to sit down with the kids and do a craft with them, READ to the kids...there are a million things she can be doing, SHOULD be doing.
Your a lucky man,really. I got married to someone I loved. It turns out she got married to someone who had some home & creature comforts waiting.Straight after we got married,she disappeared to the local bar for three and a half years.She got a second job too.Never even seen her apart from when she came home after the pub, looking for some "creature comforts".I went on strike quite soon after this started. After 3.5 yrs she returned and was in the house at 1910 hrs one Monday evening , so our no 2 kid said "who's that,what's that woman doing in our house" (he was about 4 at the time). He hid under my arm for two weeks giving her the evil eye. I had to explain to him who she was! She doesn't do any housework,not since we got married.Does nothing but sit watching TV & drinking a bottle of wine 3-4 times per week.Yeh she still has a day job,when she isn't calling in sick with a "migraine".I take care of the three kids.Pay all household,and non-household bills. She just pays for own stuff clothes,food-out and her mountain of debts.I tried leaving the pizza boxes,chinese food,mass of clothes and rubbish etc for her to cleanaway.Nothing.She did nothing.Says nothing when I raise the issues.I am lucky if she even looks at me.She now sleeps on the floor in the bedroom because the room in full to the ceiling with rubbish. I put all her stuff in there otherwise I would go totally insane (did I mention my hair falls out periodically-not that I am stressed or anything!).I almost cracked a couple of months ago,but I pulled it back. I have told her to go many times but i get "I don't want to".Problem is, she would take me for any and every penny,just to cover her debts,so she must find someone new before I force her out,she will forget me once she has a new wallet to pick. In the meantime I am locked into the house, and spend my time here on the PC. Someone has to be here,even if she is here, she isn't. My eldest, now 15, is in a constant war with her mother,for whom she has no respect at all. I know 15yr olds don't anyway,but she couldn't be more distant from her mother. I am looking for someone else now,which has lightened my spirits a bit,but not many girls frequent my house,known locally as "the dirty house".I work full time,plus all the chores,so had to give up regular overtime (working up to 52 hours some weeks,37 on others) as this was unsustainable.But that was 11 yrs ago. Kid no 3 came after my wife jumped me after I had had a few beers out and fell asleep back home (well 15 pints of lager,I would necessarily have to be out cold for her to get near me).A week later,she said she was pregnant and I had to ask her who the daddy was! It seems that useless, selfish, greedy, lazy fat women is becoming the norm these days,I am loathe to put myself up for anymore.I may shave my head and join a monastery.It would be so much better.
Hardended, if that is really the case, then document document document. Spend a couple minutes each day writing in a journal, write what you did, what your kids did, what your W did and didn't do, take pictures, get a lawyer and seek a divorce and full custody. You are not stuck with her, if you want a divorce you can have it without worrying about losing everything. And even if you did lose a bunch of stuff, would you really? Seems like your life is both miserable and shortened because of this, you would probably both be happier apart from each other.
Normally I don't condone divorce, I am pro marriage, however it always requires two - I also recommend patience because we sometimes have to pick up the slack when our SO has to focus on other issues, but sounds like your W is not focussing on anything, and you have gone beyond patience. Dropping the divorce word, and following through with it (it takes enough time that it can always be stopped if you both decide) may wake one or both of you up to fix things, one way or the other because what you describe is no way to live.
Have any other guys had issues with their wife deciding that they no longer want to do household chores?
Yep. Let me ask how old she is. In our case the wife is 70 but things similar to what you describe have been going on for 2-3 years now at least. My wife stopped wanting sex first of all. Then she stopped doing any cooking and only enough laundry to barely get by. She will not even get the mail from the mailbox which is right outside the front door. (She can no longer drive because she forgets where she is going. She cannot remember what day it is usually). In short - she has Alzheimers. The only chores she does is to keep the dishes & kitchen clean and make the bed.