So I am in the middle of investgating my husband-possibly an EA that I may have stopped. But now I am going back and thinking of things that happened when the OW started at his job.
One HUGE thing that happened is that I being in my late 20s (I am 30 now) was craving sex more and more and he began to deny me. I iniated over and over again, each time hurting more and more. He had never denied me that consistent and freqeunt ever. We still had sex but it was once every 2 or 3 weeks-I was hoping more for a few times a week. This went on for a few year peorid. His excuse was that he was working a lot of overtime and had to get up early and I wanted sex at 10-11p (gasp!). I also did gain some weight (it was a gradual gain but prob 30 pounds overall in 6 years but my body changed as well-breasts and butt getting bigger)....
Anyway now since we've been arguing, discussing, ect this whole issue with this woman-I can't get him off me. I have expressed to him how much this has hurt my self-esteem (he was flirting, texts pix, ect at work) so I think he thinks sex will make everything better. And we have had great sex but sometimes I just feel like it's a distraction tool for him so I won't be thinking or upset about this whole thing. He is iniating it daily and sometimes more!
I read over and over again that men here are not getting sexually satisfied and that is what causes a lot of the issues in marriages. Do you think he was actually having a PA with this woman back then and that is why he didn't want to have sex with me? Or was it the weight gain? (I have since lost 15 pounds and counting ) It is very confusing for me to say a year ago I was getting it once every 2 weeks and now I am getting it 3 times a day. I can't help to think somehow this woman was part of the reason-Even if maybe he was only infatuated with her-he didn't want to be intimate with me...
i hope you don't mind if i respond even though i'm not a guy
from what i've read from the male perspective around here...15lbs is not enough to make a man turn his nose up at a wife initiating sexy time with him.
seems like his mind was elsewhere making it difficult for him to respond to your advances...maybe the guilt was eating him up and making the ****y wilt.
If his focus is back on you and he is ACTUALLY committed to you again, this would be pretty normal.
His head may just have been in a really foolish place before. He probably has reasons for the EA. They are usually marriage issues and instead of working on them, he found the easy way out.
If he now wants to work them out and is seeing some ability for things to happen, then this would be normal.
It could have been a PA, general disatisfaction with the marriage, porn, or a combination of stress from his job and marriage.
Seeing you work out is going to rev him up. He is thinking that you have willpower and could leave again with a fit body. CONGRATULATIONS on losing weight btw.
I would have sex with my wife 3 times a day if she would let me :P
Men are kind of like that. When they change the focus and drive in their life, radical overnight change is pretty normal.
i hope you don't mind if i respond even though i'm not a guy
from what i've read from the male perspective around here...15lbs is not enough to make a man turn his nose up at a wife initiating sexy time with him.
seems like his mind was elsewhere making it difficult for him to respond to your advances...maybe the guilt was eating him up and making the ****y wilt.
No Prob White Rabbit!
I know...that's what worries me..
He pretty much denies anything happened (even in his mind flirting didn't happen with this other woman).
I like the sex now but it is getting more difficult for me to be on board thinking he is hiding crap from me. Also thinking that I was that disgusting 15 pounds ago
awww I bet you were smokin hot then as well as now.
He may not have been doing anything physical...some guys can be like women in regard to having their horniness linked to their emotions n what's on their mind. Maybe this is what happened to him?
Have you asked him directly why he rejected your advances? (ugh I hate even asking that bc I'm the LAST one to want to open a can of questioning worms with hubby)
I did White Rabbit and he said it was due to overtime at work too tired, ect. He is now working 40 hours, not 50-60 a week, but I buy that only to a point...It's such a drastic change...
I'm guessing this wasn't about sex but about intimacy. He had a ready avenue for sex, so there was no need to go anywhere else for that. Once the EA was exposed, you focused a great deal of attention on him (probably negatively, but it was attention). He probably feels very significant to you now, therefore, he's more interested in sex. I'm convinced that most affairs, emotional or physical, start because people don't feel valued or significant at home.
I'm guessing this wasn't about sex but about intimacy. He had a ready avenue for sex, so there was no need to go anywhere else for that. Once the EA was exposed, you focused a great deal of attention on him (probably negatively, but it was attention). He probably feels very significant to you now, therefore, he's more interested in sex. I'm convinced that most affairs, emotional or physical, start because people don't feel valued or significant at home.
I think this is it. I've been surprised from reading here how many men need intimacy in order to have sex. If they feel lacking somehow they pull back. My own husband did that to me and there was no affair.
If my wife has spent all week putting me down, ignoring me, or making me feel small, where do I put all that resentment? Where am I supposed to magically acquire the desire to give her pleasure that I need to have any sort of decent sexual encounter with her? Sure, I'm a guy and I don't need much priming but I do need a little.
If my wife has spent all week putting me down, ignoring me, or making me feel small, where do I put all that resentment? Where am I supposed to magically acquire the desire to give her pleasure that I need to have any sort of decent sexual encounter with her? Sure, I'm a guy and I don't need much priming but I do need a little.
That's where my confusion lies! When he was denying me everything was smooth-no major arguements, just a little stress from both our jobs.
Now, we've been fighting over this poss EA issue for about 7 months now-You name it-screaming, crying all the fireworks over this and now he can get it going 3 times a day???
I'm guessing this wasn't about sex but about intimacy. He had a ready avenue for sex, so there was no need to go anywhere else for that. Once the EA was exposed, you focused a great deal of attention on him (probably negatively, but it was attention). He probably feels very significant to you now, therefore, he's more interested in sex. I'm convinced that most affairs, emotional or physical, start because people don't feel valued or significant at home.
I don't see in her post where she says she shut off emotionally. Are we going to generalize affairs to the extent that if a man isn't emotionally connected, he will find it elsewhere? Some men cheat because they have a sense of entitlement, have self esteem issues or are just all around jerks. I highly dislike the blaming the victim.
Thereal..., I agree that some men cheat because of what you said, but many don't because of that. I am pretty sure the truth is even more for woman when they cheat - the lack of emotional connection. The thing is that I agree with unbelievable, I felt rejected and unloved, put down a lot, and the consequence was that my W and I cut sex down to almost non-existant, and I severely missed having sex with her but I just couldn't bring myself to it because of all the put downs - I did not feel valued. BTW, I never cheated on her despite this, we just lacked intimacy for so long that when we did have sex it was only because we were needing so badly. It is sad, and I don't blame her for all of the problems in our marriage, I think it was 50/50, but I seldom heard her admit that she was wrong, nor barely ever apologizing to me. We just fed off of each others disregard for each other about intimacy and we were never able to turn that around. So I will backup unbelievables comment that we (men) are also in need of loving and intimacy. The more positive and loving attention we get from our spouses the more we are apt to have sex. If's a two way street.
I didn't indicate that she shut him out emotionally, only that she has a vagina and so does whomever he was chatting or doing whatever with. The other woman can't offer anything sexual that his wife couldn't, therefore, there must be some other attraction and it's my opinion that for most people, the attraction is getting their self-esteem fed. Maybe he's just got some narcissistic insatiable need for attention but if that isn't the case, he likely is just an average guy who wasn't getting his self-esteem fix at home. Normal people don't generally engage in highly risky behaviors unless there is an important payoff. He can have an orgasm with his wife and he can even give himself one. He can't stroke his own ego or make himself feel loved and appreciated.
I didn't indicate that she shut him out emotionally, only that she has a vagina and so does whomever he was chatting or doing whatever with. The other woman can't offer anything sexual that his wife couldn't, therefore, there must be some other attraction and it's my opinion that for most people, the attraction is getting their self-esteem fed. Maybe he's just got some narcissistic insatiable need for attention but if that isn't the case, he likely is just an average guy who wasn't getting his self-esteem fix at home. Normal people don't generally engage in highly risky behaviors unless there is an important payoff. He can have an orgasm with his wife and he can even give himself one. He can't stroke his own ego or make himself feel loved and appreciated.
You do realize that self esteem only comes from within. Nobody can give it to you. Getting a "fix" becomes a black hole of need. So why not fix that within instead of looking towards somebody else and make that their job?
Thereal..., I agree that some men cheat because of what you said, but many don't because of that. I am pretty sure the truth is even more for woman when they cheat - the lack of emotional connection. The thing is that I agree with unbelievable, I felt rejected and unloved, put down a lot, and the consequence was that my W and I cut sex down to almost non-existant, and I severely missed having sex with her but I just couldn't bring myself to it because of all the put downs - I did not feel valued. BTW, I never cheated on her despite this, we just lacked intimacy for so long that when we did have sex it was only because we were needing so badly. It is sad, and I don't blame her for all of the problems in our marriage, I think it was 50/50, but I seldom heard her admit that she was wrong, nor barely ever apologizing to me. We just fed off of each others disregard for each other about intimacy and we were never able to turn that around. So I will backup unbelievables comment that we (men) are also in need of loving and intimacy. The more positive and loving attention we get from our spouses the more we are apt to have sex. If's a two way street.
Everybody wants love and intimacy, I agree with that. I was saying that using a broad brush saying that cheaters cheat because they aren't getting their egos stroked at home is a stretch. Men cheat for a lot of reasons. I have heard of some who just want variety, are bored, want younger, had the opportunity, etc. etc. It doesn't have to be something that their wives aren't doing. If a man cheats because of self esteem issues, that's his fault not hers. Looking towards somebody else to prop up your self esteem is counter productive and becomes daunting as it will never be enough. If you look towards your spouse for your own validation, you will never be happy because there is no amount of warm fuzzies that will fill you up. Bear in mind, I have low self esteem, so I don't want you to think I am picking on you. My point is, if I looked towards my husband for my own validation/ego soothing/self esteem it would be never ending. Would I be justified then to say "well you didn't fill the void" so I found it elsewhere? No. That is for me and me alone to fix and that is what I was getting at.
Male Opinion on Sex 
) It is very confusing for me to say a year ago I was getting it once every 2 weeks and now I am getting it 3 times a day. I can't help to think somehow this woman was part of the reason-Even if maybe he was only infatuated with her-he didn't want to be intimate with me...
