The Prodigy

I have an issue in my marriage that has been bugging me for around 3 years that I need some help resolving. My wife and I have been married for 4 years now and we have a 3 year old son together. Just a little history of our relationship just to give you a good grasp on us: we started dating a couple of months after I returned from the military. We dated for 2 or 3 years and we could not keep our hands off of each other. If we were both off of work, we were together and usually in the bed. The start of our marriage was no different, then we concieved our son. The only problems we had were over money, she has determination and drive like I do but here family is not very successful but mine is. Since we have been together I have landed an amazing career. As a 26 year old man in Oklahoma I am doing extremely well. I have been able to provide a life for my wife that she has never experienced, big house, new cars, anything she could want. She is extremely frugal however and does not like to spend any money, but thats not the issue. The issue is that ever since we have had our son, she has lost that "loving feeling". We have literally been intimate a handful of times in the last 3 years. It seems that as soon as we had our son, her libido went out the door. I do everything that I can think of to kindle a spark in her literally every day. I send flowers, take her on dates, I let anything that she wants to do take precident over my activities. All I can think of is that women want to be shown love in ways like helping with the cooking or cleaning and kids (which I do), and men like to be shown that they are loved by their spouses being physical. I have slipped in to this depression over the last couple of months over this and I can not dig myself out. (which is not me at all! I was special forces in the military and spent 2 years on the front lines in Iraq, with no post traumatic stress) I dont know what else to do. She does not give me a hug or a kiss when I get home from work, its not just the sex, its all physical contact. Help me out guys, please! I'm out of options here, and divorce is completely out of the question.

ClipClop

You are too nice.

She doesn't understand what sex means to a man. Book,.her needs, his needs. Give it to her. You read it second.

Sex post baby is tough for a lot of women. Our hormones change. Sense of smell changes too. Always smell good.

It is.also hard to transirion from mom to lover. She.might have forgotten how.

She has to see that this is a line in the sand. She is the only one who can give you sex so it isn't fair.for.her to hold you captive without it. You will divorce. You will not live in a sexless marriage.


Then it is up to her to see a.doctor, see a mental heath pro, deal wobble any body issues, etc. You will support and encourage and help. But you see no reason to be married to someone who chooses to he nonsexuql when ma4rage is.suppose to provide a sexual outlet. Become on flesh. God said it. How can you argue with God?
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ClipClop

If D is.off the table, good luck changing this.
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anx

You need to try to talk to her about this. I might also get the book "and a baby makes three" by gottman.

If you are unable to talk to her about this and figure out the reasoning behind this, get into marriage counseling. Sometimes NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR SAY as a husband can solve an issue if its hidden deeply enough or too hard for your wife to talk to you about.

Sit her down and lovingly say what you feel and then listen. Don't talk, get mad, etc. Find out what is up. She may not know.

It sounds like you are a good husband, but you may need help to fix this.

Best of luck

eagleclaw

You can't come across as so weak as to say that no matter how much she deprioritizes you and your needs, that you will never leave. That just creates the environment for your current problems to thrive.

The Prodigy

Thank you for your input, I'm not entirely convinced that divorce is off the table, I understand about the hormone change. My mom is an OB/GYN and my wife works for her! My mom is obviously on my side, we're very close! Very good points, it might be line in the sand time! Friggin alimony will be brutal!

The Prodigy

Anx, I've talked to her about it a couple of times, all I can get out of her over her pissed off response is that she doesnt feel sexy anymore. She hates her new body (she went from a size 1 to a 3) but she doesnt understand that I love it (her boobs got bigger).

Mom6547

How old are you? I need to know if I am older? I am likely no wiser.

First: depression knows no boundaries. The fact that you were, *and still remain*, a strong person with military background does not make you immune. Please do not add feelings of lessening of self worth over depression as some people do. Seek treatment and tweak with it until you get something that works for you. Depression is going to make solving your other problems like trying to swim through a sea of paving tar.

Ok on to marriage issues. There is no one solution. There is a multi-pronged approach, in my opinion.

- When you say you HELP with the housework, is she a SAHM? To a 3yo? Whether she is a SAHM/ housewife is relevant. If you are both working, then you should not be "helping" with the housework, you should be an equal partner. If she is a SAHM, there is no earthly reason that a SAHM with a three year old cannot get the lion's share of the housework done. How you convince her of that fact I would leave off the table FOR NOW. (Come back in 3 months when the other issues are resolved. But if you are both working, then adjust your mindset from helping to equal partnership.

- Read up on love languages. Cleaning is not a demonstration of love unless her love language is acts of service. It may be a necessary stress reducer, but it very well may not say love to her. You could mop until the cows come home, and it would never ever say come on baby light my fire to me. Or even darling I love you. So read up on Love Languages and Love Banks. Google will help you there.

- Read the man up, nice guy threads in the men's clubhouse. You may be being a Nice Guy with a capital N and G. Real desire killer. There is a bunch of stuff about getting your needs met in a manner that also gets her (maybe unknown) needs met.

Good luck!

nader

Stop being too nice! Pick the restaurant you want to eat at, get a hobby and let her see you get good at it; stop coming straight home from work - go to the gym, bookstore, hang out with other guys or whatever you like to do. My thing is I play in a band - my wife LOVES this and has been nothing but supportive even since we had our baby. It gets me out of the house 1-2 times a week, gives both of us the space we need, I'm doing something I'm good at and she is happy to see me doing it (plus I get paid sometimes!) It is a WIN for everyone. I used to be apologetic about it, but she is supportive to the point of arranging her work schedule around our rehearsal time, at her own initiative (something I would never have asked of her).

Don't call her all the time - be a little mysterious and let her wonder where you are every now and then. Don't be afraid to fight. If she is being unreasonable about anything, call her out on it and stand your ground. Give her verbal and nonverbal clues that you are important too and deserve priority in the relationship.

I've figured out from this board that this notion of helping around the house leading to sex is a huge myth. Helping around the house means you are helpful - definitely do your part but don't expect to earn extra points. What gets you points is demonstrating that you are the man, and becoming physically, mentally, and thus sexually attractive to her.

Don't stop with the flowers, dates, etc. But space them out and use them sparingly so she doesn't get bored or take them for granted.

I'm responding passionately because I am seeing these things are starting to work for me. Last night we had a big fight about something stupid; but I stood my ground and got my point across until we reached some kind of compromise/equilibrium. After a cooling down perioud and just a little nudging from me we ended up having AWESOME makeup sex (oral too!). This would NEVER have happened this way, say, a month or two ago, but I've started making some of these changes and it IS working for me.

Most men in the 'Clubhouse' area will give you pep talks like this. There are lots of threads about 'manning up,' etc. which has been extremely helpful for me, and has me addicted to this forum. FTR I am 30 and married for 6 months, with a 3 month old. Good luck!

eagleclaw

yes, couldn't have said it any better.

Jellybeans

This isn't advice but a comment... I do not at all understand how people can be married and have sex a "handful of times" in years. It's weird to me.

You need to sit her down STAT and talk to her. This is not ok and you're going to start resenting her. You sound like you're doing what a wife wants their husband to do (being there, emotionally supportive, be interested in her interests, flowers, dates. Talk. Soon. Today.

It goes beyond just the sex from what you have described. I can't imagine not wanting to kiss your spouse and being warm when you see them after work. Granted, not every day is an on day but it sounds like a pattern w/ her!

The Prodigy

I agree, thinking back, when we first got married I had this "I'm the man and I dont take any **** from you or anybody else" mentality. I got my way half the time, she got her way half the time. It seems that this new type of behavior came on when we had our kid. Both of our dads split when we were young, I might be trying to hard to "be there" and I may be smothering both of them. Thanks for the help Nader,

nader

Yeah, I think I just grew up being taught (by society, the media, etc.) to treat women like princesses. There is certainly a place for that, until you become the court jester when you should be the knight in shining armor. Pregnancy is a breeding ground for this to happen, because of course you want to take care of your wife when she's carrying your child. Glad I could help, it feels great to see this actually working out in my life.

Mom6547

With DH and I we both get our way 98% of the time. New way of looking at things, perhaps. But the very heart of GOOD compromise is to learn to find win/win.

eagleclaw

All this advice often ultimately leads back to telling you to be the person you were before marriage, the person that attracted your wife in the first place. Even if she is telling you you need to be someon else or change often times they were attracted to the person you started out being. Be that guy. Don't try so hard. Trying to meet her every need and anticipate what she needs next just keeps sending her the message that "you are better than me, so I am going to do everything I can for you...." That will never cause her to desire or chase you.