So here's what would have happened to me had this been me and I had responded this way.
wife:"I can't believe you did this. You need to be more careful"
me:"no underwear, messy laundry...next time don't let it get like this"
wife:"you're an effing @$$hole" or "what's up your @$$?" in a real nasty tone
Here's where the wheels fall of for me. What now? I'd probably just put down whatever laundry was left and let her finish it herself and say nothing. Basically, "f@#% you too" but without the words. Probably not the right response to defuse the situation in my house I guess?
Ok. So, now that my relationship came to a little more solid ground and she is not depressed and we actually are friends again and communicating quite nicely. I have been really getting into reading up on fitness testing and manning up so to speak. My wife really isn't into "love or sex" at ALL right now, so I'm looking for ways to start to progress there. I know this because she bought her first vibrator she has ever owned in December and literally hasn't touched it. She really can't stand men right now and just wants to deepen our "friendship". I know. Blah. I did read "The Way of the Superior Man" and I'm about to pick up Athol's book.
Anyways. This Sunday we had a week's worth of dirty laundry in the laundry room. It was awful. With a family of 6, that's a ton. So, I went to work. Washed all of it by Sunday afternoon. So, my wife decides to start folding. She comes across a "beggin strip" which is a dog treat that looks like bacon. The comments start. "I can't believe you did this. You need to be more careful. yada. yada. yada." In the past I would have gotten defensive and sulked or said something really smartass. This time, I looked up and with a totally calm face said, " Well, I don't really like doing laundry. But, I don't like living in filth. The laundry room was filthy and I had no underwear this morning. If you don't want me to do laundry, don't let it get that way." and I walked away. Not another word from her.
For a man learning and standing up for himself, this is a classic example, and a true success.
However, in time, these things will include more humor, as your confidence increases.
But for now, the first step, regardless, is important just to be taking it to begin with.
Many men NEVER get to where you are, so take heart!
Simply this, in the back of your mind, KNOW that your woman is wanting excellence from her man, and she herself is wanting to be viewed as a desirable woman.
For your to have to do the laundry, will mostly be a sting to her whether she will express this or not, so it is easy for her to point out the little bit of nothing of "beggin strip" and complain, in an attempt to mask her own embarrassment.
So you know, it is not about the "beggin strip", but so much as how you handle yourself, and in the way, how you handle the situation.
Learn and remember this for all fitness test, not to take them literally, but see them as AMUSEMENT, and a chance for your to be creative and even over the top in your response.
YOur woman scolds you for finding a beggin' strip in the laundry:
"Lower your voice, that's the last one and the dog has good ears."
"Keep complaining, and see how long it is before I give you another treat."
Etc etc etc.
That is why humor is the goal, for it communicates not just that you are standing up for yourself, but that you are so much in control of yourself and the situation and clever enough you can relax and make a joke out it.
This is where it is not just respect, but sexual attraction will flow from these things.
Quote:
I just can't believe it diffused like that and I have been responding like a dope for 12 years.
What a realization it is, when the man realizes the world doesn't end when he speaks his mind.
Danny, do us a favor and open your own thread and put a little more meat on the bones of your relationship dynamic.
There are questions to be asked by those that can contribute, but best done in a separate thread.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Danny Boy
So here's what would have happened to me had this been me and I had responded this way.
wife:"I can't believe you did this. You need to be more careful"
me:"no underwear, messy laundry...next time don't let it get like this"
wife:"you're an effing @$$hole" or "what's up your @$$?" in a real nasty tone
Here's where the wheels fall of for me. What now? I'd probably just put down whatever laundry was left and let her finish it herself and say nothing. Basically, "f@#% you too" but without the words. Probably not the right response to defuse the situation in my house I guess?
wife:"you're an effing @$$hole" or "what's up your @$$?" in a real nasty tone
This is easy:
" Well,apparently, bacon."
Just got back from therapy. We each did the individual therapy her 1/2 session, then me. Therapist says that she really likes where I have come and feels as though I am finding my purpose. She says my wife pushes me like the items above and others because she wants me to not cower down and "win" her heart. Getting there. Looks like the anger and resentment are gone. She is just scared crapless of intimacy of any kind.
Taking the test indicates failure. In strategic game theory we look at primary and secondary gambits. A primary gambit is sort of like a first move. I never want to make a first move. I never play white in Chess. A defensive reaction is always the stronger position because the first move gives a one move advantage to your opponent. (John 'A Beautiful Mind' Nash won a Nobel for this sub functional decomposition nonlinear optimization ****).
Anyway...the best reaction is not to play. The best response move is no move. Bacon strip falls out...."mm that sucks" and just leave it at that.
Just got back from therapy. We each did the individual therapy her 1/2 session, then me. Therapist says that she really likes where I have come and feels as though I am finding my purpose. She says my wife pushes me like the items above and others because she wants me to not cower down and "win" her heart. Getting there. Looks like the anger and resentment are gone. She is just scared crapless of intimacy of any kind.
Danny, do us a favor and open your own thread and put a little more meat on the bones of your relationship dynamic.
There are questions to be asked by those that can contribute, but best done in a separate thread.
Not enough to say to warrant a whole thread. So I'll write a little here and if the mods feel like they should move it, they can move it. I grew up in a small rural town. Never had much conflict with anyone. Always been quiet. Always been pretty intuitive and sensitive to everything going on around me. She grew up around the city and is always very,very vocal. NEVER backs down. HARDLY EVER will admit wrong doing and almost never apologizes when she's hurtful. Even when I say the words, "you hurt me". Nothing. These qualities didn't seem to come out until we got married...or at least until about when we had or first child. One second she's so, so loving and wonderful (the woman I married...they used to call her "florence nightingale" when we were in college) and the next moment she SNAPS at the most trivial thing and is yelling at me and the kids like we are dogs. It's almost like she's bipolar but somehow it always seems to be my fault if something goes wrong....and if I thought a simple change in how I react to those 180s in her behavior would make them stop or keep them from escalating I would do it. Problem is when I do, she just gets angry and starts yelling more. So, I walk away.
Not enough to say to warrant a whole thread. So I'll write a little here and if the mods feel like they should move it, they can move it. I grew up in a small rural town. Never had much conflict with anyone. Always been quiet. Always been pretty intuitive and sensitive to everything going on around me. She grew up around the city and is always very,very vocal. NEVER backs down. HARDLY EVER will admit wrong doing and almost never apologizes when she's hurtful. Even when I say the words, "you hurt me". Nothing. These qualities didn't seem to come out until we got married...or at least until about when we had or first child. One second she's so, so loving and wonderful (the woman I married...they used to call her "florence nightingale" when we were in college) and the next moment she SNAPS at the most trivial thing and is yelling at me and the kids like we are dogs. It's almost like she's bipolar but somehow it always seems to be my fault if something goes wrong....and if I thought a simple change in how I react to those 180s in her behavior would make them stop or keep them from escalating I would do it. Problem is when I do, she just gets angry and starts yelling more. So, I walk away.
You mentioned that if this laundry situation happened in your house your wife would yell swear words at you. Next time that happens just look her dead in the eye and say "I'm sorry you feel that way. Let me know when you decide to behave like an adult and in the mean time, I will do my own laundry and you can do yours, that way we won't have this conflict again". Hold her gaze, then leave the room. Now the ball is in her court and you have set your boundaries. Humor works but in your situation, it would be best to let her know what will and will not be tolerated. Somebody swears at me over something petty, you bet I would stand up and say enough!
For a man learning and standing up for himself, this is a classic example, and a true success.
However, in time, these things will include more humor, as your confidence increases.
But for now, the first step, regardless, is important just to be taking it to begin with.
Many men NEVER get to where you are, so take heart!
Simply this, in the back of your mind, KNOW that your woman is wanting excellence from her man, and she herself is wanting to be viewed as a desirable woman.
For your to have to do the laundry, will mostly be a sting to her whether she will express this or not, so it is easy for her to point out the little bit of nothing of "beggin strip" and complain, in an attempt to mask her own embarrassment.
So you know, it is not about the "beggin strip", but so much as how you handle yourself, and in the way, how you handle the situation.
Learn and remember this for all fitness test, not to take them literally, but see them as AMUSEMENT, and a chance for your to be creative and even over the top in your response.
YOur woman scolds you for finding a beggin' strip in the laundry:
"Lower your voice, that's the last one and the dog has good ears."
"Keep complaining, and see how long it is before I give you another treat."
Etc etc etc.
That is why humor is the goal, for it communicates not just that you are standing up for yourself, but that you are so much in control of yourself and the situation and clever enough you can relax and make a joke out it.
This is where it is not just respect, but sexual attraction will flow from these things.
What a realization it is, when the man realizes the world doesn't end when he speaks his mind.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks Wolf. Working hard to find balance between tenderness/giving/manliness/purpose. Slowly getting there. Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks Wolf. Working hard to find balance between tenderness/giving/manliness/purpose. Slowly getting there. Posted via Mobile Device
Honestly? If my husband said for me to lower my voice cause our dogs could hear and this is the last strip, I would burst out laughing. Then I would probably try eating our laundry. That statement right there shows everything that you are looking for: Tenderness in that you didn't just erupt. Giving in that you just made me laugh. Manliness in that you were clever enough to use humor to defuse the situation. Purpose in that with that single comment, you in essence told her to chill out and took control of the situation, standing your ground.
BBW said it better than I did. THAT would have been the perfect thing to say to her. In the future though, if in the moment you cannot find humor just tell her while staring her dead in the eyes that in the future you will do your laundry and she can do hers. If you can possibly find a small funny bone, toss in "besides, I like my laundry smelling like bacon".
Well, if I'm losing, I'm not playing anymore. Marriage isn't a game and if she keeps trying to get me to play she isn't going to be talking to me anymore, she's going to be talking to my attorney...who is by the way a hell of a lot smarter than hers.
Re: Is this a fitness test? And did I pass? 
