Re: Big situational change...advice please !!! Ladies !
Toto, I do understand what your saying completely which is why I remain very leery. However, there are cases in which it takes time for people to come round.
I have read many stories from women on this site who had taken that long year to walk away from their husbands, because they felt that they were done. To expect anyone to turn around and confess or any of the things you mention when they may have just starting turning back, is I believe expecting to much.
This could be the beginning of her turn around or not. Making demands that she come clean would do nothing but turn her back into the other direction.
I have also read of stories where, if the spouse has been left does feel responsible for pushing his wife away, there is an admission that if it hadn't been for their being emotionally unavailable for too long that it would never have happened. Therefore no matter what the wife has done, if there is a decision to try to reconcile, the husband chooses not to address what happened during that difficult time.
It must also be said that my wife has been dealing with a dying step Mother ( wife has been in hospital almost every night ) a Father who was assaulted badly and pretty much has lost sight in one eye, and has become very needy. In other words, she has and continues to have a ton on her plate. Adding a demanding husband to the list would be almost selfish but most certainly would backfire.
This is a huge risk. I am still not sure and am scared, but 3 weeks ago, as far as she was concerned this marriage was over and we were both getting our own apts. In that time I shut down almost completely, but also did do a complete 180 when I did communicate.
I am not saying that mine is one of these cases, but it is a fact that sometimes separations allow the dust to settle and allows people to think more clearly about what they could be losing. My wife has admitted to missing her family and so on. She has admitted that she has been thinking about me in the context of the good times and shockingly she has opened the idea of MC. But she also says she is very scared about the thought of a possible reconciliation. I think that is completely fair. I hadn't been there for her emotionally for too long. Expecting to take it on faith that this will never happen again, and having her open her heart so soon, I believe is asking too much at this stage.
Again 3 weeks ago, no way, were moving separately. " I have been thinking that we move back in together in a new space, a fresh space " and discussions of what " we " are going to do at this point in the future. In other words signs that she is coming around. I push and it will turn her the other way. So I need to be patient right now and take that risk.
She really gains nothing by saying the things she has. She was set to move forward separately. She makes a little more than I do, so it isn't money, we have been sharing our son 50/50 and she has made no demands from me whatsover, but I know that she has spent the last weeks paying attention to how I behaved with my responsibilities in life, our son, my job etc. and I have been solid as a rock on all fronts. Could it not be possible that someone needs a lot of time to come back round from such a determined decision to leave a marriage ?
So I understand the risks...the question is as I have absolutely no doubts that this woman loved me deeply for a great deal of our marriage ( in love ) of 20 years, if I am showing I am going to be there emotionally for her and in so many other ways, how should I behave at this very delicate stage in order try to reel her back in ? I repeat, this marriage was essentially over 3 weeks ago, now she talking about moving back in together.
Let us just assume that she is being completely genuine, which while very scared to dive in to that belief, I do believe is very possible, then how do I behave from this point. Keeping in mind that I am ready to forgive the EA, because I believe I caused this entire mess.
Right now that is what I need. Uncertainty of what her motives are, I have covered, but if there is a chance to continue to pull her in my direction, which is what i want very badly, what is the best course of action at this stage so that things aren't rushed and an very important opportunity wasted. ?