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The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

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Old 06-06-2011, 07:03 PM   #136 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

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Originally Posted by ClipClop View Post
He used your capacity for love and empathy against you. That's what manipulative ppl do. They turn you against yourself.

Why wouldn't he embrace all my love and affection?

His Mom was a cold heartless woman. Never gave a crap about him. She just liked his older brother.

Last year when we both went to see a Social Worker, I asked her "what should I do?" And she said to me, "Be his friend and give him the love that his Mother did not."

You remind me of my mom, a nurse too who worked in hospice until she got too old. But she allowed my dad to run her into the.ground. the best thing I can tell you is that without him, she has enjoyed a happier life.

And no talk that includes the phrase kill myself.
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:08 PM   #137 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

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I promise you. What is the difference? Everyone keeps telling me NOT to go to a Mediator with him BUT they are not telling me why? What is the difference between a Mediator and an Attorney? Aren't they both Lawyers?
You HIRE a lawyer to represent YOU - NOT him.

YOU pay the lawyer to make sure that whatever settlement you get takes care of YOU.

In a mediator arrangement, the two of you sit down with a 'neutral' person and you - together, you and your husband - come up with an agreement that benefits both of you.

Can you give a reason why he would take care of YOUR NEEDS?

Again, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not agree to mediation.

Just please trust us on this. We are experts in this. We are telling you that you will be decimated in a mediation agreement.
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:11 PM   #138 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

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Yes, but does she know the whole thing? Or are you 'keeping' things from her because you're embarrassed and ashamed? Trust me, BTDT.

Do this: print out this thread and mail it to her before your next session, or just take it to her.

I tried to print a thread once and the print was too small to read
.
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:16 PM   #139 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

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Originally Posted by VeryHurt View Post

I promise you. What is the difference? Everyone keeps telling me NOT to go to a Mediator with him BUT they are not telling me why? What is the difference between a Mediator and an Attorney? Aren't they both Lawyers?
A lawyer is interested in protecting YOUR interest. The mediator is interested in getting things done quickly and painlessly. You need someone protecting YOUR interest.
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:18 PM   #140 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

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Why wouldn't he embrace all my love and affection?
Because Users USE people. You are under the assumption that everyone thinks like you. They don't.

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His Mom was a cold heartless woman. Never gave a crap about him. She just liked his older brother.
So he learned early in life that no one would take care of him, that it was his job to protect himself, that it was HIS job to take care of himself. He decided early on that anyone who tried to help him or be nice was WEAK and to be despised. Do you see how sick that is? But it is HIS reality.

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Last year when we both went to see a Social Worker, I asked her "what should I do?" And she said to me, "Be his friend and give him the love that his Mother did not."
The Number One thing that abusers learn is to put on a great front for EVERYONE ELSE but their partner. To the rest of the world, they are amazing, charismatic, loving, giving, simply amazing. When no one else is watching, they focus on YOU - reminding you why you are pathetic, to be dismissed, dumb, accident prone, whatever else works to keep you doubting yourself and begging him not to leave you.
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:19 PM   #141 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

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Originally Posted by VeryHurt View Post
I tried to print a thread once and the print was too small to read.
copy the one column and then paste it into a Word document.
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:21 PM   #142 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

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You HIRE a lawyer to represent YOU - NOT him.

YOU pay the lawyer to make sure that whatever settlement you get takes care of YOU.

In a mediator arrangement, the two of you sit down with a 'neutral' person and you - together, you and your husband - come up with an agreement that benefits both of you.

Can you give a reason why he would take care of YOUR NEEDS?

Again, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not agree to mediation.

Just please trust us on this. We are experts in this. We are telling you that you will be decimated in a mediation agreement.
Tunera~
I promise you that I will not go to a Mediator.
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:24 PM   #143 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

A mediator is there to play nice. He doesn't play nice. It can't work fairly if you aren't guaranteed, GUARANTEED to work in your own best interest.

Only a lawyer that you hire will protect your interests.

Don't buy the crap that lawyers have no interest in you or settling. Good ones do and they ate there for their client. They don't need to milk you if they are good because they have a line of clients, BECAUSE they are good. Hire the best you can afford tell them everything that went on, facts, as well as share your husbands psychology. If you can predict his reactions, you will save a lot of round and round. Your lawyer will know how to approach and will not back down coz she will know how he is.

I'm concerned that you don't inherently know why he wants this. That screams you need a lawyer.
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:26 PM   #144 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

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Tunera~
I promise you that I will not go to a Mediator.
Very Hurt
Thank you!
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:26 PM   #145 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

This is unlike me but how can I get him back?
How can I make him hurt?
How can I make him feel guilty?
How can I make him remorse?
How can I make him cry?
What is my best revenge?
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:30 PM   #146 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

VH, that last post was completely not worth answering.

Why? Because it has NOTHING to do with YOU.

You cannot control ANYTHING but yourself.

What are you doing to make YOUR life better?
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:32 PM   #147 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

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Originally Posted by ClipClop View Post
A mediator is there to play nice. He doesn't play nice. It can't work fairly if you aren't guaranteed, GUARANTEED to work in your own best interest.

Only a lawyer that you hire will protect your interests.

Don't buy the crap that lawyers have no interest in you or settling. Good ones do and they ate there for their client. They don't need to milk you if they are good because they have a line of clients, BECAUSE they are good. Hire the best you can afford tell them everything that went on, facts, as well as share your husbands psychology. If you can predict his reactions, you will save a lot of round and round. Your lawyer will know how to approach and will not back down coz she will know how he is.

I'm concerned that you don't inherently know why he wants this. That screams you need a lawyer.
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What do you mean that I don't "know what he wants?"
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:39 PM   #148 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

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Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes View Post
Just some observations of knowing men through my life. Most men have a protection gene in them. Be it for their parents, their best friend, their sibling or their significant other. It's the classic "I can talk smack about them but don't you dare do it". The gloves come off when that happens. That protective gene goes in to over drive when it comes to women. It's just something that is in them. A man can see a woman crying and nearly all would stop and ask if she needs help.

A woman stranded on the side of the road with a flat is met with a man, a total stranger who is willing to help.

Actually, he has done this. (flat tire)

He is kinder to stangers than to me.

For example, If someone drops their napkin in a restaurant, he will pick it off the floor for them.

And this absolutely hurts me deeply: He will kiss and hug our two Golden Retrievers in front of me. He will walk right past me but he will never pass the dogs without petting them or tapping the top of their heads.

Now, what happens when these men find that special woman whom he marries? That protective gene goes in to hyper drive when it comes to the woman he loves. She is his wife and his desire to protect her is at a barbarian level. It can be simple things like making sure all her tires are properly inflated to holding her when she is sad after a tough day at work, to beating the hell out of someone who hurt his wife. That desire to protect the woman they love is always there, throughout conflict and pain, it's there. Even if the marriage doesn't work out, they still have that need to protect her for various reasons. Perhaps she is the mother of his children or maybe she is having health issues. It's still there.
Take a look at the guys who post here. There is a guy named Athol whose wife had breast cancer. He is a published author and in his book he talked about the scars on her chest and the scars on his heart out of not being able to help her. A Moderator here, Deejo, not yet divorced from his wife who to this day would rush to her side if she was in trouble. A pharmacist named Conrad who has been divorced from his first wife for years, remarried and he posted that even now he would help her out any way he could. A guy named Michzz who despite being cheated on for 8 years by his wife would still be by her side if something were to happen to her. A man named Scannerguard who after going through a bitter divorce posted that if something were to ever happen to his ex, he would break down. A guy named Nice777guy whose wife is having a MLC, left to go to a biker rally without him and his concern was her safety.
Not one of these men would ever leave their wife in a hospital bed, alone and scared. They would crawl on their hands and knees to get to her. They would be figuratively peeing on the furniture to ward off the enemy. Every single one of them would be by her side, holding her hand. Even the divorced ones. Their ability to feel empathy, love and genuine concern is what sets them apart from sociopaths.
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:40 PM   #149 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

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What do you mean that I don't "know what he wants?"
It means that you are not yet understanding that he is USING you. That he WANTS to use you because he USES people.

You're still trying to find a way to justify him HURTING you. But here's the truth - he used you. We all see it. You don't want to see it.

I do understand. As a victim of abuse, you don't want to admit that you 'let' it happen. But the truth is, you didn't LET anything happen; you just made the mistake of trusting someone who would hurt you. Who KEEPS hurting you.
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Old 06-06-2011, 08:28 PM   #150 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

Why would you not see his motivation for wanting mediation instead of going up against someone who is advocating for you and you alone? That part scares me for you. He has already harmed you and stolen from you. A mediator is not going to investigate his new bout of stealing marital assets. You use a mediator when you are on good terms.
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