Oh for the love of God, did you read her story? He CHEATED on her for 6 months with his 20 year younger sexretary while she was sick and disabled and when found out he didn't bother to do any of the hard work to repair the marriage. STOLE marital assets and spent nearly $30k paying off this s!ut after she filed a sexual harassment suit against him after he fired her, at VH's insistence. When VH mentioned how much money he had to use to pay her off, he blamed his WIFE saying that she was the one who insisted he fire this skank. He didn't even want to fire her. He blamed everything on his wife, literally everything. It was entirely her fault he cheated.
This guy isn't looking for a vacation, he is looking for total absolution from any and all responsibility. Homeboy is like Teflon....nothing sticks.
Now he wants to waltz away in to the sunset and after he gets his kicks on Route 66, he wants his wife to wait patiently by as a backup plan and he wants to "date" her. That's code for "I don't want to look like the bad guy....see my wife who I screwed over still wants to go out with me, I can't be that bad...right?". Of course he wants to stay friends. Staying friends in his mind means you are cool with what he did. He can rationalize it as he isn't that much of a jerk.
I have a better idea. Tell him that you don't have friends who use you, leave you at your time of need, steal from you, blame you, lie to you, cheat on you, expose you to diseases, tells you he doesn't want the responsibility of a wife and then later comes back and says "But can we still be friends, right?"
I know you are scared, VH. I know you are. You are 56 and you feel like life is over. It isn't. Not even close. You are stronger than you ever knew possible.
Go back home and see your friends. They are your real friends.
You are right. I am scared to death of the unknown.
My husband of 28 years does not want "any more responsibilities", doesn't want to "answer to anyone anymore"
Doesn't want me for his "wife" anymore but he wants to stay "friends."
Wants to "divorce" me and then start over and "date me."
Says that he still cares about me and loves me but he doesn't want the 24/7/52 wife.
Maybe it means the guy is totally disillusioned about where his life is right now and what his life looks like in the future. If you cast your mind back four or five years can you recall him talking about needing to change your lives? These things typically don’t just happen overnight. Some men just up and out never to return or be heard of again when these things hit them.
But as far as I can see it’s happening more and more. People are getting to a certain age and even after many years of marriage are throwing the towel in. These people are in their mid to late 50s where the divorce rate is on the up and up. And there are many men that get burnt out by the time they’re 55 or so and look to re-energise themselves by changing to a totally new and invigorating way of life. Many of these men will try and take their wives with them but some wives just don’t want the change but the call is so great for the man that the wives are left behind.
I think you mentioned a son of 25 that’s “draining you financially”? Could be some really big problems there with your H.
You are right. I am scared to death of the unknown.
VH, if I just take this one comment of yours.
Look there are a few things about life that are guaranteed. Two of them are our death and the taxman. A third is CHANGE. Change comes in our life anyway and there is absolutely nothing we can do to prevent it from happening.
And that is what you are discovering RIGHT NOW. That change happens and not only that, change is happening right now. You can fight this change in your life as much and as long and as hard as you want to. But CHANGE will happen.
I think maybe your H very well knows that there is absolutely no way that you will go along with let alone be supportive of the changes he wants to make in your lives. So he has more or less decided to “go it alone”.
Is he stressed out in any other dimension of his work or family life? It sounds to me like he's burned out and ready to go to Tahiti and cash out. He sounds overwhelmed by something or many things. What in your life together do you think has changed dramatically in the last 6 months?
This was my first thought as well. It's easy to put a guy not fitting a pre-conceived secure mold into the "midlife crisis" role, but that's just too simplistic most of the time. Sometimes stress can get to a person and they snap, regardless of which sex they are. It sounds an awful lot like he has some issues in his life that he may have kept bottled up until now, and it's boiling over. He's wanting to change everything, he's having sexual issues (a sure sign of stress if the guy is healthy otherwise) and it sounds like he's being highly irrational. I've seen guys in the military who were 25 go through similar things (though I don't know if they were ED, of course).
Just my two cents, devalued by inflation to 1/10th of a cent.
Yes, it's a mid-life crisis. I despise that term but that's what it is. I don't think it's a "crisis" but just another stage of life that needs to be addressed. And yes, it can last years. I went through it and so have my friends. I don't know if it's a guy thing or what but it seems at that point in our lives we ask the preverbial questions "Is this all there is to life?" Some men can swim through it without much damage, others go crazy. I hate that it's happening this way for you.
Oh for the love of God, did you read her story? He CHEATED on her for 6 months with his 20 year younger sexretary while she was sick and disabled and when found out he didn't bother to do any of the hard work to repair the marriage. STOLE marital assets and spent nearly $30k paying off this s!ut after she filed a sexual harassment suit against him after he fired her, at VH's insistence. When VH mentioned how much money he had to use to pay her off, he blamed his WIFE saying that she was the one who insisted he fire this skank. He didn't even want to fire her. He blamed everything on his wife, literally everything. It was entirely her fault he cheated.
This guy isn't looking for a vacation, he is looking for total absolution from any and all responsibility. Homeboy is like Teflon....nothing sticks.
Now he wants to waltz away in to the sunset and after he gets his kicks on Route 66, he wants his wife to wait patiently by as a backup plan and he wants to "date" her. That's code for "I don't want to look like the bad guy....see my wife who I screwed over still wants to go out with me, I can't be that bad...right?". Of course he wants to stay friends. Staying friends in his mind means you are cool with what he did. He can rationalize it as he isn't that much of a jerk.
I have a better idea. Tell him that you don't have friends who use you, leave you at your time of need, steal from you, blame you, lie to you, cheat on you, expose you to diseases, tells you he doesn't want the responsibility of a wife and then later comes back and says "But can we still be friends, right?"
I know you are scared, VH. I know you are. You are 56 and you feel like life is over. It isn't. Not even close. You are stronger than you ever knew possible.
Go back home and see your friends. They are your real friends.
Date you = If things don't work out for me I may need a booty call or just be lonely every now and then, other than that I want no responsibility !!
Exactly what he means. And he probably thinks 'you're just a female, so that's what you're there for.' You just never saw this side of him because you were giving him everything he wanted. When you fell ill and that stopped, you're no longer worth it.
What does this really mean: My husband of 28 years does not want "any more responsibilities", doesn't want to "answer to anyone anymore" Doesn't want me for his "wife" anymore but he wants to stay "friends."
Wants to "divorce" me and then start over and "date me."
Says that he still cares about me and loves me but he doesn't want the 24/7/52 wife.
It means he wants to keep you waiting on him while he does whatever the hell he wants. He's selfish. But you already know that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by VeryHurt
He keeps saying the same thing: He does not want any responsibilities. He prefers to be a loner. He wants to be able to eat when he wants, sleeps when he wants etc...We have lived apart since October and see each other on weekends. I have been pressuring him to get back together "full time" but he is so used to his carefree freedom lifestyle and is not sure if he wants to have a full time wife again.[/COLOR]
And look where that has gotten you? Why are you even listening to him anymore? He doesn't want to be married to you!
Quote:
Originally Posted by VeryHurt
[B]He doesn't want me. Says he doesn't love me anymore. Says that he is not attracted to me. Hasn't touched me in months. Refuses BJ's. Has ED. Doesn't want a "wife" , he wants a "friend" Doesn't want to discuss his feelings. Would like to Divorce and then date. I've been dealing with living in limbo for two years.
Read that last part over and over again. Your words. His words.
You're chasing rabbit holes. TWO YEARS in limbo? Let him go! Don't be That Woman. That Woman who clings despite being disrespected over and over again, That Woman who can't take a hint and keeps coming back for more. That Woman who gladly offers herself to be walked on over and over again.
It's painfully clear he wants to do his own thing when he wants, how he wants but likes having you as an ego boost cause, hello, you're his doormat for him to wipe his feet on. You always have been. You have demonstrated to him over and over again, that no matter what he does, there are no consequences. That he can tell you that he doesn't want you or love you and yet you'll still offer him a bl*w job. WHY are you offering him sex of any form????!!!!!
He enjoys it. Having you there, his constant lap dog. He gets off on it. He's giving you the "Let's break up but we can still be pals and maybe we can date some day" consolation line that every d*uchebag on the planet does. And you're eating it up. Why? What has he actually done to make you think he wants to be with you at all?
Cut this a$$hole loose. You're doing yourself more harm than good. Get into counselling. Find out why you have stuck around throughout all of this despite him showing you he doesn't want anything with you.
He's a wayward. Nothing he does or says will make sense.
File for divorce and be done. NO MORE talking to him. If he brings up "dating" again, tell him very matter-of-factly "I think you've lost your mind. Divorce terminates a relationship, doesn't start a dating process. I am done with our relationship." CLICK. HANG UP.
VH, I feel tremendous empathy for you because it is so similar to how I view my situation. My exH had 2 affairs with 2 different women, 3 years apart. There may have been more that I don't know about. It probably consumed 100K of our money. He tried to convince me that I caused him to run into her arms; it was my fault....many lies, justifications, blaming me, all to make him not feel guilty. I didn't want to lose him so I took the blame. I still find myself taking it, then I remember how he treated me so that he could get what he wanted.
Our divorce became final in January. He still wants me for his backup plan. It's all about him. The responses I have read concerning your story make sense to me. I wish I had this support and knowledge earlier in my ordeal. Your husband seems selfish & if it plays out like it did for me, there is no benefit for you, only heartache ahead. He doesn't appear to be caring about your feelings at all. My exH did the same...his words appear to care but his actions do not.
I, also, was scared, sad, confused, stuck. I had so many years invested in being his wife and supportive partner, I didn't know how to be myself. It takes courage but you can do it. If he does not show action of caring for you, you should be selfish and take care of you. It is the healthiest choice. I am still working through it but I am much stronger. You will be too.
VH, I feel tremendous empathy for you because it is so similar to how I view my situation. My exH had 2 affairs with 2 different women, 3 years apart. There may have been more that I don't know about. It probably consumed 100K of our money.
He tried to convince me that I caused him to run into her arms; it was my fault....many lies, justifications, blaming me, all to make him not feel guilty. I am FINALLY getting this. He does NOT want to admit to ANYTHING.
I didn't want to lose him so I took the blame.
Oh my God !!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is it EXACTLY.
This one sentence sums it up.
This is what I am been doing for years.
Why didn't I see it ????????
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this revelation.
I still find myself taking it, then I remember how he treated me so that he could get what he wanted.
Our divorce became final in January. He still wants me for his backup plan. It's all about him. The responses I have read concerning your story make sense to me. I wish I had this support and knowledge earlier in my ordeal. Your husband seems selfish & if it plays out like it did for me, there is no benefit for you, only heartache ahead. He doesn't appear to be caring about your feelings at all. My exH did the same...his words appear to care but his actions do not.
I, also, was scared, sad, confused, stuck. I had so many years invested in being his wife and supportive partner, I didn't know how to be myself. It takes courage but you can do it. If he does not show action of caring for you, you should be selfish and take care of you. It is the healthiest choice. I am still working through it but I am much stronger. You will be too.
Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me? 
