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Old 06-06-2011, 11:56 AM   #76 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VeryHurt View Post
He called me last night to tell me that he wants a Divorce.

I told him that I mailed my Retainer Agreement w/ a check to my Attorney a few days ago.


Now he is E-mailing me about "housing options" and what house I want and where I want to live. I am so confused right now. My head is pounding. My eyes are nearly swollen closed. I have chest pains and diarrhea (you can tell I am a RN) and I am anxious and nauseous.

It is so hard to accept REJECTION !!!!!!!!

Very Hurt
You tell him you do not need his help with housing options. You will do and find what you want for yourself. Do not allow him to have any control over you anymore. Tell him if he wants to deal with you he will have to deal with your attorney and only deal with your attorney.

I know it hurts right now. I know you feel as if it will never pass but I promise it will. You can do this. You will do this. If you do not take care of yourself right now you will regret it later. Allow yourself tears, the poops and anxiety because it's a normal reaction to a body and mind abused and neglected while being toyed with BUT DO NOT stop doing what you need to in order to get through this.

Call your attorney. Tell him/her that you no longer want any contact with your husband. Send an email back to your husband saying you do not want any contact with him via email/phone or otherwise and then block his account so that he can't respond because HE WILL respond trying to continue to manipulate you with words. Look into housing options for yourself and speak to your attorney about what you need to ask for and what you have to do to get it during the actual process of divorce.

Only better things to come VH.
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Old 06-06-2011, 12:01 PM   #77 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

I'm sorry you have to go through this. But this is something although you may not currently feel, or believe, you need to keep repeating it to yourself;

You will survive this.

Grieve. But recognize that what you are grieving is in the past. The man you are dissolving your marriage with, is not the man you married.

Find your game-face. Because the harsh reality is that tears and heartbreak will not be met by your soon to be ex-spouse with compassion and understanding. They will be seen as weakness. Weakness that they can, and will, use to their advantage. Save your tears for private. Protect yourself and your interests as others here have counseled.

You should not, at all, under any circumstances be discussing terms of the divorce, or the choices you want to make for your life, with him.
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Old 06-06-2011, 12:16 PM   #78 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

Most definitely follow Trenton's advice - shut him out of your life, let your lawyer handle everything.
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Old 06-06-2011, 12:28 PM   #79 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

He is pushing me to make a decision about our homes. I did E-mail and left a message with my attorney but I haven't heard back from her.

Our son called (going to be 26 years old) and I was crying so he just dropped in. I don't want to give him details but I gave him the basics:

Dad doesn't love me anymore.
He does not want to be married anymore.
He is not attracted to me any longer.
He does not want responsibilities.
He does not want to answer to anyone.
He wants to do what he wants to do.

That's it in a nutshell.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

"I love you so much Mom and you are a great Mom."

He just left.

I did not tell him that my husband said that he stopped loving me 24 years ago but stayed because our son was a toddler.

I wish he left me then. I was 32 years old and thin and beautiful and maybe, just maybe I could have found another man who was loving, unselfish and knew how to share his life.

Now what? Who is going to want me?

Very Hurt
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Old 06-06-2011, 12:31 PM   #80 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
I'm sorry you have to go through this. But this is something although you may not currently feel, or believe, you need to keep repeating it to yourself;

You will survive this.

Grieve. But recognize that what you are grieving is in the past. The man you are dissolving your marriage with, is not the man you married.

Find your game-face. Because the harsh reality is that tears and heartbreak will not be met by your soon to be ex-spouse with compassion and understanding. They will be seen as weakness. Weakness that they can, and will, use to their advantage. Save your tears for private. Protect yourself and your interests as others here have counseled.

You should not, at all, under any circumstances be discussing terms of the divorce, or the choices you want to make for your life, with him.
There is a reason Deejo is a Moderator here. He gives fair and worthwhile advice. He is 100% correct that crying and appealing to his compassion will not work. He has shown himself to be (dare I say) a sociopath. You hired a lawyer for a reason. You are paying this attorney to protect your interests and housing falls under that umbrella. This man is trying to further manipulate you and the situation to his advantage.
You're in a tough spot because you still love him and deep down you want things to not end like this. It will though. That ship has sailed. You need to get your head on straight and think about your future.
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Old 06-06-2011, 12:36 PM   #81 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VeryHurt View Post
He is pushing me to make a decision about our homes. I did E-mail and left a message with my attorney but I haven't heard back from her.

Our son called (going to be 26 years old) and I was crying so he just dropped in. I don't want to give him details but I gave him the basics:

Dad doesn't love me anymore.
He does not want to be married anymore.
He is not attracted to me any longer.
He does not want responsibilities.
He does not want to answer to anyone.
He wants to do what he wants to do.

That's it in a nutshell.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

"I love you so much Mom and you are a great Mom."

He just left.

I did not tell him that my husband said that he stopped loving me 24 years ago but stayed because our son was a toddler.

I wish he left me then. I was 32 years old and thin and beautiful and maybe, just maybe I could have found another man who was loving, unselfish and knew how to share his life.

Now what? Who is going to want me?

Very Hurt
You have to begin to want you. Then you will attract someone who loves what you love.
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Old 06-06-2011, 12:40 PM   #82 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

Don't forget that we have lived apart since October 2010.
He is at our main house and I am at our beach house. We would see each other on weekends. But I did notice that my name is no longer on the mail (envelopes) that come from Morgan Stanley and Merrill Lynch. I think that he may have hidden money from me. He is very business savvy and clever.
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Old 06-06-2011, 12:44 PM   #83 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VeryHurt View Post
I did not tell him that my husband said that he stopped loving me 24 years ago but stayed because our son was a toddler.
Your stbx is a ding dong.

Don't feed into anthing he's saying. He's saying all theses things to justify his wanting out and to make himself feel better/alleviate some of his remorse and possibly even to hurt you.

I agree withthe poster who said you need to love yourself. You don't need your cold stbx validating who you are in order for you to feel good.
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Old 06-06-2011, 12:46 PM   #84 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

Your h is just being cruel. Guess it makes him feel good to hurt you. What an *******.

Tell him to f- off. You will figure out the house when you figure it out and that any questions should be directed through your lawyer and provide the number.

As much as I hate no contact, that is exactly what is needed here. He wants to bully you. He doesn't happen to have a small D- does he?

I wouldn't accept his calls. I just wouldn't. He is a really mean person. Why listen to him? Lawyer up.


I also don't buy that 24 years ago nonsense. He is a liar. I am getting the feeling there is someone else. Just the history rewrite alone.
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Old 06-06-2011, 12:49 PM   #85 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VeryHurt View Post
He is pushing me to make a decision about our homes. I did E-mail and left a message with my attorney but I haven't heard back from her.

Our son called (going to be 26 years old) and I was crying so he just dropped in. I don't want to give him details but I gave him the basics:

Dad doesn't love me anymore.
He does not want to be married anymore.
He is not attracted to me any longer.
He does not want responsibilities.
He does not want to answer to anyone.
He wants to do what he wants to do.

That's it in a nutshell.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

"I love you so much Mom and you are a great Mom."

He just left.

I did not tell him that my husband said that he stopped loving me 24 years ago but stayed because our son was a toddler.

I wish he left me then. I was 32 years old and thin and beautiful and maybe, just maybe I could have found another man who was loving, unselfish and knew how to share his life.

Now what? Who is going to want me?

Very Hurt
Why on Earth are you defining who you are based on who is going to want you? That last person you need in your life right now is a man, unless he happens to be a lawyer. You need to focus on yourself and reclaim your life.
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Old 06-06-2011, 12:50 PM   #86 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

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Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes View Post
That last person you need in your life right now is a man, unless he happens to be a lawyer. You need to focus on yourself and reclaim your life.
Yep!
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Old 06-06-2011, 12:56 PM   #87 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VeryHurt View Post
Don't forget that we have lived apart since October 2010.
He is at our main house and I am at our beach house. We would see each other on weekends. But I did notice that my name is no longer on the mail (envelopes) that come from Morgan Stanley and Merrill Lynch. I think that he may have hidden money from me. He is very business savvy and clever.
You need to advise your attorney. Any lawyer worth their salt would hire a Forensic Accountant in this situation.
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Old 06-06-2011, 01:10 PM   #88 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VeryHurt View Post
He is pushing me to make a decision about our homes.
So what?
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Old 06-06-2011, 01:12 PM   #89 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

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Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes View Post
You need to advise your attorney. Any lawyer worth their salt would hire a Forensic Accountant in this situation.
Worth repeating.

VH, have you done any reading yet on abusive and controlling men? The WAY they control is to destroy your self-esteem.

The way your husband has done.

So realize that what YOU feel about yourself is NOT THE TRUTH. It is the prisoner of war's mentality after 30 years of denigrating you.

WE can all see that you're a wonderful person. YOU are not going to be able to see it without the help of a psychologist. Please find one today if you haven't already.
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Old 06-06-2011, 01:30 PM   #90 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VeryHurt View Post
Don't forget that we have lived apart since October 2010.
He is at our main house and I am at our beach house. We would see each other on weekends. But I did notice that my name is no longer on the mail (envelopes) that come from Morgan Stanley and Merrill Lynch. I think that he may have hidden money from me. He is very business savvy and clever.
Despite what they lead people to believe on television, asset trails can't be hidden very easy. Once you tell your attorney about your suspicions and the removal of your name on the investment reports, it can be traced. And, most judges take a grim view of this behavior.

Oh, and he'll find out that most tactics used to hide assets intrigue the IRS very much. Through an analysis of his income, 1099-DIV, or other asset reporting, glaring oversights will become obvious.

Let the system do the worrying about this. They see your husband's tricks every day. You focus on you.
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