I am trying to grasp it but it's hard. How can I feel good about myself after 28 years of low self-esteem?
You can start by going no contact with him.
Because the longer you are in contact with him, the more susceptible you are to believing whatever random mess he is spouting.
Get busy. Get a new haircut. Color your hair. Go on a vaation you've always wanted. Surround yourself with people who MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD. Who make you laugh, who you ENJOY and who enjoy you!
Question: Do you generally feel better after speaking to your stbx?
My bet is NO. So stop doing it!
It's great you're doing counselling.
We aren't frustrated with you, Very. We just want you to know you're a star and you deserve way better than this clown and the way he's been treating you. Once you release yourself from his clutches and truly start believing in your life, that there is a life without him, you are going to be free and FEEL free and life will be a million times better
28 years of low self esteem? It's been longer than that my dear. No way would you put up with you have if you had a solid foundation. Not a flippin chance. Somewhere in your childhood/young adulthood it became okay for others to make decisions for you, for others to tell you how you should feel and for others to be the yard stick you measure yourself against. Now is your time.
As for finding out your husband's actual income....it's pretty darn easy. A 1040 doesn't lie. Sure, he could hide income through a business/trust and that is why I said any lawyer worth his or her salt in your situation would hire a forensic accountant. 1120, 1120S, 1041 and 1065's is where they should really start looking.
First class manipulators slowly whittle away at esteem. At first it seems like they are being nice, taking care of you, looking out for you, helping you. If you trust them, it is easy to see it that way. If you have healthy self esteem, they just have to slow down the process, but it can still succeed. So I don't buy the absolute that VH never had decent self esteem. Further, if you have a more traditional view of marriage, it can be very easy to leave things up to the man. It is normal.
Unfortunately, it also makes you vulnerable because even a good man can turn on a dime when there is another woman. It is a shame that absolute trust is a giant risk, but that's the reality. F Posted via Mobile Device
First class manipulators slowly whittle away at esteem. At first it seems like they are being nice, taking care of you, looking out for you, helping you. If you trust them, it is easy to see it that way. If you have healthy self esteem, they just have to slow down the process, but it can still succeed. So I don't buy the absolute that VH never had decent self esteem. Further, if you have a more traditional view of marriage, it can be very easy to leave things up to the man. It is normal.
Unfortunately, it also makes you vulnerable because even a good man can turn on a dime when there is another woman. It is a shame that absolute trust is a giant risk, but that's the reality. F Posted via Mobile Device
Clip, I agree to some extent. First class manipulators stop at nothing. Literally nothing. Having said that, if self esteem lays latent within, at some point it rises up and says enough!
I guess this is a side issue but do you believe those with Stockholm Syndrome had lse to begin?
Anyway, rather than debate how VH got here, the most important thing we can so for her now is help her go through this D. And to tell her it wasn't her fault.
When she is ready to delve way into the past if she wants to share, we can be there for her then.
Dont you just love being talked about in front of you, VH? Posted via Mobile Device
Just some observations of knowing men through my life. Most men have a protection gene in them. Be it for their parents, their best friend, their sibling or their significant other. It's the classic "I can talk smack about them but don't you dare do it". The gloves come off when that happens. That protective gene goes in to over drive when it comes to women. It's just something that is in them. A man can see a woman crying and nearly all would stop and ask if she needs help. A woman stranded on the side of the road with a flat is met with a man, a total stranger who is willing to help.
Now, what happens when these men find that special woman whom he marries? That protective gene goes in to hyper drive when it comes to the woman he loves. She is his wife and his desire to protect her is at a barbarian level. It can be simple things like making sure all her tires are properly inflated to holding her when she is sad after a tough day at work, to beating the hell out of someone who hurt his wife. That desire to protect the woman they love is always there, throughout conflict and pain, it's there. Even if the marriage doesn't work out, they still have that need to protect her for various reasons. Perhaps she is the mother of his children or maybe she is having health issues. It's still there.
Take a look at the guys who post here. There is a guy named Athol whose wife had breast cancer. He is a published author and in his book he talked about the scars on her chest and the scars on his heart out of not being able to help her. A Moderator here, Deejo, not yet divorced from his wife who to this day would rush to her side if she was in trouble. A pharmacist named Conrad who has been divorced from his first wife for years, remarried and he posted that even now he would help her out any way he could. A guy named Michzz who despite being cheated on for 8 years by his wife would still be by her side if something were to happen to her. A man named Scannerguard who after going through a bitter divorce posted that if something were to ever happen to his ex, he would break down. A guy named Nice777guy whose wife is having a MLC, left to go to a biker rally without him and his concern was her safety.
Not one of these men would ever leave their wife in a hospital bed, alone and scared. They would crawl on their hands and knees to get to her. They would be figuratively peeing on the furniture to ward off the enemy. Every single one of them would be by her side, holding her hand. Even the divorced ones. Their ability to feel empathy, love and genuine concern is what sets them apart from sociopaths.
I know you are trying to help me but reading your posts just started my water works again. When I look back on lying in the hospital bed after my surgery and no one was holding my hand, I could just kill myself. I am a RN. I am so so caring and loving and empathetic. I would come into work on my days off to sit with a dying cancer patient when I world Oncology. I cry if I run over a worm with my car. I give.
I recently told another poster a simply way to describe my husband: I said to her, "If there was only one cookie left and we split it, he would take the bigger half."
I am glad that my Mom is not alive to witness the demise of my marriage.
28 years of low self esteem? It's been longer than that my dear. No way would you put up with you have if you had a solid foundation. Not a flippin chance. Somewhere in your childhood/young adulthood it became okay for others to make decisions for you, for others to tell you how you should feel and for others to be the yard stick you measure yourself against. Now is your time.
As for finding out your husband's actual income....it's pretty darn easy. A 1040 doesn't lie. Sure, he could hide income through a business/trust and that is why I said any lawyer worth his or her salt in your situation would hire a forensic accountant. 1120, 1120S, 1041 and 1065's is where they should really start looking.
I will make sure that I hire a Forensic Accountant. And I will write down all those numbers you posted above: 1120 etc...
I love you Bright Eyes !!
I guess this is a side issue but do you believe those with Stockholm Syndrome had lse to begin?
Anyway, rather than debate how VH got here, the most important thing we can so for her now is help her go through this D. And to tell her it wasn't her fault.
When she is ready to delve way into the past if she wants to share, we can be there for her then.
Dont you just love being talked about in front of you, VH? Posted via Mobile Device
You can talk about me Clip Clop..........it's okay.
Actually, I never had an over abundance of self-esteem. I've always been a giver. I don't like to fight. I don't like to ruffle anyone feathers. I'm the peacemaker. When people fight I get anxious.
Update:
My Attorney's office sent me an E-mail to say that they received my signed Retainer Agreement. They will write a letter to my husband, sent me a copy to review it and then mail it to him via certified mail.
I know you are trying to help me but reading your posts just started my water works again. When I look back on lying in the hospital bed after my surgery and no one was holding my hand, I could just kill myself. I am a RN. I am so so caring and loving and empathetic. I would come into work on my days off to sit with a dying cancer patient when I world Oncology. I cry if I run over a worm with my car. I give.
I recently told another poster a simply way to describe my husband: I said to her, "If there was only one cookie left and we split it, he would take the bigger half."
I am glad that my Mom is not alive to witness the demise of my marriage.
I can feel your love through every single post. Do you not know that being a nurse is one of the greatest professions on Earth? Holding the hand of a dying person and giving them comfort at their time of need is the most dignified and noble thing any person could ever do? Do you not see this????!!!!!! Why are you defining yourself based on what your husband told you to? Why???????
He used your capacity for love and empathy against you. That's what manipulative ppl do. They turn you against yourself.
You remind me of my mom, a nurse too who worked in hospice until she got too old. But she allowed my dad to run her into the.ground. the best thing I can tell you is that without him, she has enjoyed a happier life.
And no talk that includes the phrase kill myself. Posted via Mobile Device
VH - I know you've helped me a ton with my situation so i'm going to offer you some of the same words of advice i've heard from my thread: I think you need to focus on you. Spend time doing what YOU like to do and spend time with what YOU want to do. Let the lawyers handle the hidden assets and handle your ex. He'll get his. I'm a firm believer in Karma and the way this has gone down you have some good Karma coming your way.
I honestly think the demise of his brother's marriage prompted his action here and is making him think the "grass is greener". He may/may not have someone else but I think his brothers D probably had a large impact on his rationale.
Hang in there and of course let me know if you need to talk or pm back and forth. I'm sure this is all for the best and as you know limbo is not fun. You gave it a MORE than fair shot and I think you can rest easy knowing that.
Thats what helps me handle my situation as well. I know I stayed true to my vows, my morals, and I've given it 110% through the entire marriage.
Thanks for the caring posts. I want you to know that I will still try to help you with your marraige. Of course, I am clearly blew my own, so who am I to offer advice to someone else?
You gotta block him and tell him to talk to your lawyer. He is going to up the pressure and you need to protect yourself from him. And a layer of lawyer between you sounds like it will do the job.
For once let him experience fear. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me? 
