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VeryHurt 06-02-2011 04:55 PM

Men: Will you please translate this for me?
 
I hope you can help me.

What does this really mean:

My husband of 28 years does not want "any more responsibilities", doesn't want to "answer to anyone anymore"

Doesn't want me for his "wife" anymore but he wants to stay "friends."

Wants to "divorce" me and then start over and "date me."

Says that he still cares about me and loves me but he doesn't want the 24/7/52 wife.

incognitoman 06-02-2011 05:01 PM

Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by VeryHurt (Post 337480)
I hope you can help me.

What does this really mean:

My husband of 28 years does not want "any more responsibilities", doesn't want to "answer to anyone anymore"

Doesn't want me for his "wife" anymore but he wants to stay "friends."

Wants to "divorce" me and then start over and "date me."

Says that he still cares about me and loves me but he doesn't want the 24/7/52 wife.

Honestly sounds like he is longing for something from his past. Maybe a happier time? My guess is that he feels burnt out from life. He still cares for you and wants you but without feeling limited.

I think some call this a midlife crisis. Also I have read your story and it seems like he is being a jerk after the struggles that you guys have tried to overcome. So maybe he is just being childish.

StrugglingMan 06-02-2011 05:50 PM

Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?
 
He sounds like he's having a mid-life crisis. i think everyone gets tired of all the responsibility involved in being in a long term monogamous relationship. He's just choosing to act on it, rather than talk out what about the relationship he is having troubles with.

Regardless, he is taking the coward's way out and you should just tell him to take his 'dating' proposal and jam it where the sun don't shine and twist it sideways. It just means he wants the romantic side of your life but not the practical.

Tell him to either s**t or get off the pot. Fix the marriage or end it. You don't have to put up with that.

VeryHurt 06-02-2011 06:02 PM

Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by StrugglingMan (Post 337548)
He sounds like he's having a mid-life crisis. i think everyone gets tired of all the responsibility involved in being in a long term monogamous relationship. He's just choosing to act on it, rather than talk out what about the relationship he is having troubles with.
A three year mid-life crisis? He does not want to talk about his feelings. He yells at me, "Stop hammering me about my feelings."

Regardless, he is taking the coward's way out and you should just tell him to take his 'dating' proposal and jam it where the sun don't shine and twist it sideways. It just means he wants the romantic side of your life but not the practical.
This is not true. He does not want sex. Refuses BJ's. Has ED.

Tell him to either s**t or get off the pot. Fix the marriage or end it. You don't have to put up with that.


Enginerd 06-02-2011 06:18 PM

Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?
 
This doesn't add up to me:

"Wants to "divorce" me and then start over and "date me."

I've thought about leaving my wife at times, but the thought of dating her after a divorce never crossed my mind. What's the point of that besides a familiar booty call? Post break-up sex can be hot but it usually doesn't lead to getting back togeter. It could also be a ploy to soften the blow and possibly get you to take it easy on him financially during the divorce.

Runs like Dog 06-02-2011 06:19 PM

Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?
 
Is he stressed out in any other dimension of his work or family life? It sounds to me like he's burned out and ready to go to Tahiti and cash out. He sounds overwhelmed by something or many things. What in your life together do you think has changed dramatically in the last 6 months?

Entropy3000 06-02-2011 06:23 PM

Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?
 
I will state the obvious. He needs help. In his own way he is screaming out for help. Just my non-expert opinion. I don't know if you can help him or not. Did he lose his job? He is overwhelmed. It is easy for me to say that he really needs his wife now more than ever but this situation probably requires professional help.

VeryHurt 06-02-2011 06:29 PM

Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Runs like Dog (Post 337580)
Is he stressed out in any other dimension of his work or family life? It sounds to me like he's burned out and ready to go to Tahiti and cash out. He sounds overwhelmed by something or many things. What in your life together do you think has changed dramatically in the last 6 months?

Hi Runs ~ It's funny you mention Tahiti. He is a sailor and said that he just wants to retire, buy a sailboat and sail to Tahiti and Bora Bora. Only wants to bring out two Golden Retrievers. He did mention about 4 months ago that he isn't interested in anything. He does have a stressful job but who doesn't? He is stressed over our 26 year old son who is still "finding himself" and draining us financially. His brother just dumped his wife of 33 years and enjoying the playboy/travel life. He keeps saying the same thing: He does not want any responsibilities. He prefers to be a loner. He wants to be able to eat when he wants, sleeps when he wants etc...We have lived apart since October and see each other on weekends. I have been pressuring him to get back together "full time" but he is so used to his carefree freedom lifestyle and is not sure if he wants to have a full time wife again.

unbelievable 06-02-2011 06:32 PM

Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?
 
If I had to guess, part of him wants out but he wants to keep one foot in the door in case being free and single doesn't work out for him. Sounds like he's scared to stay but he's also scared to go. Might be a mid-life crisis sort of thing, more days behind him than ahead, etc, etc, etc. Whatever (or whoever) is enticing him to leave, he isn't entirely convinced. Of course, this might be his (rather odd) way of saying he's unhappy the way you two have defined the roles of "husband" and "wife" and he wants to be your lover. I can kind of relate to that. I love my wife but it would be really nice to be just "in-love" with her without all the mood-killers like housework, bills, yard-work, etc. Kind of like maybe he's tired of eating his veggies all the time and wishes he could just have primarly dessert for a change.

VeryHurt 06-02-2011 06:34 PM

Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Entropy3000 (Post 337582)
I will state the obvious. He needs help. In his own way he is screaming out for help. Just my non-expert opinion. I don't know if you can help him or not. Did he lose his job? He is overwhelmed. It is easy for me to say that he really needs his wife now more than ever but this situation probably requires professional help.

He doesn't want me. Says he doesn't love me anymore. Says that he is not attracted to me. Hasn't touched me in months. Refuses BJ's. Has ED. Doesn't want a "wife" , he wants a "friend" Doesn't want to discuss his feelings. Would like to Divorce and then date. I've been dealing with living in limbo for two years. He wants me. He doesn't want me. He loves me. He doesn't love me. I cannot take much more.

Entropy3000 06-02-2011 06:40 PM

Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by VeryHurt (Post 337588)
Hi Runs ~ It's funny you mention Tahiti. He is a sailor and said that he just wants to retire, buy a sailboat and sail to Tahiti and Bora Bora. Only wants to bring out two Golden Retrievers. He did mention about 4 months ago that he isn't interested in anything. He does have a stressful job but who doesn't? He is stressed over our 26 year old son who is still "finding himself" and draining us financially. His brother just dumped his wife of 33 years and enjoying the playboy/travel life. He keeps saying the same thing: He does not want any responsibilities. He prefers to be a loner. He wants to be able to eat when he wants, sleeps when he wants etc...We have lived apart since October and see each other on weekends. I have been pressuring him to get back together "full time" but he is so used to his carefree freedom lifestyle and is not sure if he wants to have a full time wife again.

Well the parallel with his brother is tough to ignore. That sux.
But you know this.

Entropy3000 06-02-2011 06:48 PM

Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by VeryHurt (Post 337591)
He doesn't want me. Says he doesn't love me anymore. Says that he is not attracted to me. Hasn't touched me in months. Refuses BJ's. Has ED. Doesn't want a "wife" , he wants a "friend" Doesn't want to discuss his feelings. Would like to Divorce and then date. I've been dealing with living in limbo for two years. He wants me. He doesn't want me. He loves me. He doesn't love me. I cannot take much more.

I wish I had some advice. No doubt he has some serious issues, but his giving up is still very cruel .... 28 years ... Sorry, I find this very sad. Those words are crushing. You need to be looking out for yourself as much as possible now. Counseling is in order for you.

Runs like Dog 06-02-2011 07:01 PM

Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?
 
Right but all that's wishful pipe dream thinking. Nobody, unless you're Gaugin, just up and bolts one day to tan their hide in the Polynesian sun forever. Maybe a couple, three, four weeks off on the beach in the US or wherever you live to rack out and fry his brain in the heat, go fishing, drink beer, etc. Or if the beach isn't his thing, the woods or flyfishing, something somewhere where you don't 'do' anything or spend any money, no touring, no golf, etc. But I would do it with the stipulation that when it's done it's done and this living apart is over or everything is over.

okeydokie 06-02-2011 07:19 PM

Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?
 
i have thought about doing what he is talking about, it would be great....but alas i am a responsible person and cannot leave people hanging like he is proposing to do. the fact that he is verbalizing this fantasy (because thats all it is for me) is hurtful and irresponsible

Therealbrighteyes 06-02-2011 07:42 PM

Re: Men: Will you please translate this for me?
 
Oh for the love of God, did you read her story? He CHEATED on her for 6 months with his 20 year younger sexretary while she was sick and disabled and when found out he didn't bother to do any of the hard work to repair the marriage. STOLE marital assets and spent nearly $30k paying off this s!ut after she filed a sexual harassment suit against him after he fired her, at VH's insistence. When VH mentioned how much money he had to use to pay her off, he blamed his WIFE saying that she was the one who insisted he fire this skank. He didn't even want to fire her. He blamed everything on his wife, literally everything. It was entirely her fault he cheated.
This guy isn't looking for a vacation, he is looking for total absolution from any and all responsibility. Homeboy is like Teflon....nothing sticks.
Now he wants to waltz away in to the sunset and after he gets his kicks on Route 66, he wants his wife to wait patiently by as a backup plan and he wants to "date" her. That's code for "I don't want to look like the bad guy....see my wife who I screwed over still wants to go out with me, I can't be that bad...right?". Of course he wants to stay friends. Staying friends in his mind means you are cool with what he did. He can rationalize it as he isn't that much of a jerk.
I have a better idea. Tell him that you don't have friends who use you, leave you at your time of need, steal from you, blame you, lie to you, cheat on you, expose you to diseases, tells you he doesn't want the responsibility of a wife and then later comes back and says "But can we still be friends, right?"
I know you are scared, VH. I know you are. You are 56 and you feel like life is over. It isn't. Not even close. You are stronger than you ever knew possible.
Go back home and see your friends. They are your real friends.


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