Is she certified crazy?!?
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Old 06-06-2011, 06:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is she certified crazy?!?

OK Here is a quick synopsis,

A couple years ago I had Nice guy Syndrome bad. Slowly but surely I came out of it. (during a deployment mainly) I began coming out of it by myself so I was not doing th greatest job and still making many mistakes. My wife has been in constant contact with an EX for about a year. She swears they are just friends and has not seen him. Before she finally moved out she would make frequent trips home (where her family and her Ex is) she moved out about a month ago. I recieved a tip that her EX is in town for a month, this is his first trip out of his state. I have a great job, im a great father, take my daughter to church, in great shape and have learned self control. He is a loser, no job, in and out of Jail, drug user, and a "smotherer"
He is always putting things out on the web about his "girl" which is my wife, but he is really secret and whenever he puts something on her page she deletes it.

When My wife moved out I began studying religously about being the man I want to be, this site included. Many of the book you all have mention have helped greatly. I am not yet where I want to be but im on the right track

Now for the weird part, right before he came to town, my wife sent me a message saying that she does not want a divorce, and that one day she thinks she could be marriage material (we have been married for 4 years.) All I said was "That is good" Sunday (the day after he got there) I was to text her when I get out of church as I was bringing my daughter to be with her for a few days) then it was changed to oh no I will pick her up.

When she arrived I told her that Her Ex was in town and she said she did not know he was here and how did I know, I would not reveal how i knew but said he was pretty loud about it on the web, she demanded to know how I knew, I refused gave my toddler daughter a hug smile and waved as she sped of, a few seconds later I get a call for her crying saying why wont you tell me how you know, and that if i would start telling her stuff she would want to be with me. I held my ground and didnt tell her, I told her i believe her that she didnt know he was there, (i dont) and to be careful, she said I really do not want to see him and I want to be with you, I said just call me if you get into trouble.

Has she gone crazy? I still love my wife and wish we could work things out but she constantly lies, and something does not seem right.

P.S. Thanks for all the wisdom you all have put on this forum it has helped tremendously
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she certified crazy?!?

She's not crazy. She's just trying to keep you around as her fallback.

First off, no need for stories. If you don't believe her...don't tell her you do. When she continues to try and bring up the relationship....just tell her "let's keep the conversation about our daughter and our separation detail..", etc.

Stop worrying about her. Just keep working on your man up journey. Just focus on you and being the best father ever.
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:37 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she certified crazy?!?

Oh yeah. When she tells you one day she may be marriage material, tell her you are not waiting around for that one day. She's either fully in or fully out. Why should you wait around to be her second choice?

How long have you been separated for?
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:44 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she certified crazy?!?

We have been separated for about a month. She constantly wants to talk (text and chat) and see me, I try not to "be around" she says I am still her best friend and husband, but she is constantly in the company of other men. At times she even tell me about them and the guys life stories. It really doesnt bother me she has male friends but what does irratate me, is the fact she "wants to be alone" but acts as if she is incapable of being alone. Plus the ex bf

But your right I need to focus on my daughter and my Journey, my wife needs alot of help and has some growing up to do
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Old 06-06-2011, 08:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she certified crazy?!?

Unless you enjoy the idea of waiting around for her to 'grow into marriage material' ... translation "I don't want to be tied down, I want to have fun ... be pursued, and desired by men other than you. But ... I think you're the best honey."

This is not the woman for you. You are doing the right things, taking the right steps.

To you and the so many others that I have seen post here about marital issues coming to a head during a deployment ... deployment has to be rough enough. Wondering what your spouse is doing a half a world a way must make it all the worse. To you and all of the others, thank you for your service.
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Old 06-06-2011, 08:57 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she certified crazy?!?

Well I am back now (my deployment was 2 years ago) I just got out of the Marines a few months ago. And now I have a great job. Everything in my life is on the up and up, Job, finances, my relationship with my daughter, and my growth as a man. Everything is great except for the wife part of my life.

I am not begging for her to come back, but What do I do if she wants to come back? What if she makes an attempt to change? Can a disloyal, dishonest child become a loyal, honest woman? I want my family together, but it seems like she would have to make a miraculous change of heart to be right for me

I am thankful for her putting me thru this or I would have never changed myself for the better.
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Old 06-06-2011, 09:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she certified crazy?!?

Will be for you to decide. There is a very simple question you can ask yourself. It is straightforward and true. My mother drilled this into my head when my marriage was tanking. I know that it is the question she asked herself when her marriage to my father was tanking.

"What's in it for me?"

Sounds like the epitome of arrogance and selfishness, right?
Nope. "What's in it for me?" is the reason anyone ever becomes coupled in the first place. Love is selfish, then we convince ourselves that it's selfless ... and it isn't, nor should it be.

If this woman can make a genuine, honest, and loving contribution to the arc you want your life to take ... then consider reconciliation. If she doesn't know her ass from her elbow and just likes the idea of you catering to, taking care of, and making HER life ok while she tries to figure it all out ... avoid her like the plague.
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Old 06-06-2011, 09:16 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she certified crazy?!?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
Will be for you to decide. There is a very simple question you can ask yourself. It is straightforward and true. My mother drilled this into my head when my marriage was tanking. I know that it is the question she asked herself when her marriage to my father was tanking.

"What's in it for me?"

Sounds like the epitome of arrogance and selfishness, right?
Nope. "What's in it for me?" is the reason anyone ever becomes coupled in the first place. Love is selfish, then we convince ourselves that it's selfless ... and it isn't, nor should it be.

If this woman can make a genuine, honest, and loving contribution to the arc you want your life to take ... then consider reconciliation. If she doesn't know her ass from her elbow and just likes the idea of you catering to, taking care of, and making HER life ok while she tries to figure it all out ... avoid her like the plague.
I reckon that’s one of the best questions a person can ever ask themselves. We all do things to get something back, the “what’s in it for me”. If we’re not crystal clear on what we want out of a transaction, including marriage, and what we must do to get it then things are much a waste of valuable time and we end up with something we simply don’t want.
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Old 06-07-2011, 03:59 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is she certified crazy?!?

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To you and the so many others that I have seen post here about marital issues coming to a head during a deployment ... deployment has to be rough enough. Wondering what your spouse is doing a half a world a way must make it all the worse. To you and all of the others, thank you for your service.
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