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Old 06-09-2011, 04:11 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Much Time (if any) Should Be Spent on Home Improvement?

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If you love her, you would do home improvement? Is turn about fair play? If you love me, you will s*** my **** twice a day?
Only twice?
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Old 06-09-2011, 04:15 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Much Time (if any) Should Be Spent on Home Improvement?

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Originally Posted by Ten_year_hubby View Post
I am a Christian man but when I read the Bible and review our wedding vows, I not really seeing much specifically about home improvement being my responsibility. Yes, I fix toilets and sinks, install switches and minor fixtures. In the past I painted nine rooms but there is always a lot more to do, believe me.
My problem is that I'm not much in the mood to do this stuff and that is causing a conflict. W is saying that if I loved her I would blah blah blah, but I'm really not on board with it.
Bible not withstanding, you do:
a) what you have to;
b) what you can;
c) when you have to. I'm no Bible scholar, but if you need to frame it in that context, call it being a brother's keeper or something.

I grew up in a builder's household, so maybe I have head start, but there's a satisfaction in just getting a job done. Do it, enjoy the completion, and remember the good lord was a carpenter. If it was good enough for him...
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Old 06-09-2011, 04:26 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Much Time (if any) Should Be Spent on Home Improvement?

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Originally Posted by Ten_year_hubby View Post
This is interesting. Should I include all household chores on the list with the home improvement tasks? One big problem I have is that I would rather be doing cleaning, clearing or organizational tasks rather than home improvement because I think it is more important. This causes conflict when w insists that she can do this but it never gets done.
If you have the means to do so, then hire out the bigger home improvement tasks and keep only the smaller, quicker, easier ones for yourself.

Is there something else going on with your wife? I mean why isn't she following up on the things that she promises? Is it really the home improvement stuff that truly bugs you, or the way that your wife acts (or sounds like doesn't act)?

If I were you, and I had to come back around doing the cleaning and such that she didn't complete, I would make sure that I didn't prioritize her other 'honey-do' nice to have projects anywhere near the top of my list.
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Old 06-09-2011, 04:33 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Much Time (if any) Should Be Spent on Home Improvement?

The trainer doesn't particularly benefit from a dog leaping through a flaming hoop. The payoff is that the trainer proves he can make the dog do the trick. If you possessed a magic wand which you could wave and every project on the list were instantly completed, before your butt hit the recliner, she'd dream up more. She doesn't necessarily want the projects done. If they were important, she'd be helping complete them. Her joy is in knowing she can make you jump through her flaming hoop. To her, your obedience is proof of her superiority and your adoration of her. "If you loved me, you'd blah, blah, blah".
Assuming your place is in decent repair, I figure one afternoon a week is sufficient to devote to home improvement projects and she should be working beside you. You also need to set aside some time for fun family time, some for couple time and you need also need time set aside for yourself. If y'all have regular date night where your attention is focused exclusively on her, maybe she won't need to see you sweating in the yard to reassure herself that she has a loving husband. Next Christmas, buy her a set of tools and a home improvement instruction manual.
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:43 PM   #20 (permalink)
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getting all the sex you want changes the whole equation!
Indeed. This is a primary factor for me and taken alone I would work all day and all night.

My difficulty is overcoming resentment from having to do so much more, having to deliver while my w let's go and having to do entirely everything on my own
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Old 06-09-2011, 06:17 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Much Time (if any) Should Be Spent on Home Improvement?

Well, having read quite a bit of this, And another post by ten year, here is what I would do. Home improvement is my business so I'm coming from a different perspective. The relationship needs balance and you are not reading from the same script. anyhow . . .

Here is my plan if I were you. Friday night is date night no projects will interrupt that. Six hours on Saturday can be spent on "projects". There will be a specific start and stop time that will be honored (no whining). Up to three hours of the weekend can be used to finish cleaning tasks not completed by others. One Saturday in every four is off.

This is reasonable considering her strong desire for home changes. I don't personally spend that much time on that. I have some other hobbies that take up about that much time.

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Old 06-09-2011, 06:19 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Much Time (if any) Should Be Spent on Home Improvement?

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Originally Posted by Ten_year_hubby View Post
This is interesting. Should I include all household chores on the list with the home improvement tasks? One big problem I have is that I would rather be doing cleaning, clearing or organizational tasks rather than home improvement because I think it is more important. This causes conflict when w insists that she can do this but it never gets done.
I just think its worth it to break everything down so she can see the whole spectrum of what she is asking you to do vs. what she does. Its a starting point.
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Old 06-09-2011, 06:30 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Much Time (if any) Should Be Spent on Home Improvement?

Just read your other thread, sounds like you are really being wrapped in this " if you love me, you will do this for me!" by your wife.

You don't have money for amusement parks or vacations, but she wants you to do it! You don't have money for a big fancy house, so she wants you to build her one!

How about you tell her: If you love me, you will support me and live the kind of life style that we can have.

Don't give in to this kind of sh*t!

She is being demanding, and she is being expecting too much from her life. Who said that she deserves this and that.

Some people think that they are entitled to this and that, they borrow money or work themselves out to live a life they can't afford, it is only causing them more trouble!
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Old 06-09-2011, 06:38 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Much Time (if any) Should Be Spent on Home Improvement?

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Originally Posted by Mr. Nail View Post
Well, having read quite a bit of this, And another post by ten year, here is what I would do. Home improvement is my business so I'm coming from a different perspective. The relationship needs balance and you are not reading from the same script. anyhow . . .

Here is my plan if I were you. Friday night is date night no projects will interrupt that. Six hours on Saturday can be spent on "projects". There will be a specific start and stop time that will be honored (no whining). Up to three hours of the weekend can be used to finish cleaning tasks not completed by others. One Saturday in every four is off.

This is reasonable considering her strong desire for home changes. I don't personally spend that much time on that. I have some other hobbies that take up about that much time.

M N
Avid DIY'r here. I love the instant gratification that comes from spending a Saturday doing things here and there. I am pretty picky about home improvement projects so I am right there in the trenches getting it done. It is important to me to fix up this old house so I make it a priority to pull my fair share. I cannot imagine saying we need to do x,y and z and then grab a book and start reading while he is busting his hump getting it done. Unbelievable is right, that isn't her caring about what her home looks like, that is a dog and pony show and he is the dog and the pony. If this was really a priority to her, she would be right beside him doing her part.
He needs to tell her that if she wants these home improvements done, she needs to do her part. Period.

Last edited by Therealbrighteyes; 06-09-2011 at 06:46 PM.
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Old 06-09-2011, 06:56 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Much Time (if any) Should Be Spent on Home Improvement?

STOP this immediately!

You are not the servant to your woman.

Your "love" is not based on how much hoops you are jumping through for your woman.

Stop looking for validation or approval from your woman.

YOu hold down a job, support your family, take care of household maintenance, why would you even begin to imagine you are needing some woman to decree wether you are a "bum" or not!

Causing conflict you say? Well is that a bad thing? OF course not!

You need to stop wondering how much hoops you should be jumping through, and instead do these things:

Learn about "fitness tests" from this marriage forum website, and look up "Sh!t tests" outside this websight, and understand what these are and how to pass them.

Learn to embrace conflict with enthusiasm, and how doing this increases respect from your woman.

Learn to view your woman's "if you love me then you'll ... (insert task)" statements with amusement and humor, and never take them literally.

Fact of the matter, it is the same ANYTIME your woman attempts to be your boss, your taskmaster, your supervisor or in any way attempts to place herself above you, simply view such vanity with amusement and respond with wit and humor.

Finally, if your home somehow needs renovating, then decide so from your own decision and leadership and work your plan from there.

A man working from his own leadership and decision, is winning the respect of his woman and not building up resentment in himself.

I wish you well.


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Originally Posted by Ten_year_hubby View Post
I work a pretty standard job from 9-5 Monday through Friday with a 40 minute commute each direction. If my wife had her preference, I would spend Friday night and 9-9 Saturday and Sunday working on home improvement projects. While she sits around reading the paper, talking on the phone and hanging out.

I am a Christian man but when I read the Bible and review our wedding vows, I not really seeing much specifically about home improvement being my responsibility. Yes, I fix toilets and sinks, install switches and minor fixtures. In the past I painted nine rooms but there is always a lot more to do, believe me.

My problem is that I'm not much in the mood to do this stuff and that is causing a conflict. W is saying that if I loved her I would blah blah blah, but I'm really not on board with it.

So the question here is how much do I need to do to avoid looking like a lazy ineffectual lout but not get myself tied up to the point where I get resentful?
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Old 06-09-2011, 07:03 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Much Time (if any) Should Be Spent on Home Improvement?

Wanted to add I tried pulling the same thing your wife does years ago. We had just purchased this house and it had horrible drainage in the backyard. Having just spent a fortune, we didn't have the money to hire someone to install a french drain. So I complained about the grass dying and what not for months hoping that my husband would do something about it. He did. He said that since this is so important to me, we are waking up that Saturday morning at 6:00 am, going to Home Depot to buy the pipes, sleeves, the pea gravel and the drainage boxes. We start at 7:00am. I told him it wasn't all that important anymore and he said "No way, I've had to listen for months now about the importance of our grass and now that you realize you have to pull your weight you don't want to? No way".
Do you want to know how much fun tunneling in clay with a pick, saw and shovel is? Having it pour down rain in the middle of it all and watching your trench collapse in to mud? Hacking around 50 year old Oak tree roots in July in Houston? I think hell is colder and certainly less humid. We spent 3 solid weekends doing this and it taught me a valuable lesson. If something is that important to me, I better be willing to go all in.
Call your wife out the same way my husband did me.

Last edited by Therealbrighteyes; 06-09-2011 at 07:27 PM.
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Old 06-09-2011, 08:07 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Much Time (if any) Should Be Spent on Home Improvement?

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Originally Posted by BigBadWolf View Post
STOP this immediately!

You are not the servant to your woman.

Your "love" is not based on how much hoops you are jumping through for your woman.

Stop looking for validation or approval from your woman.

YOu hold down a job, support your family, take care of household maintenance, why would you even begin to imagine you are needing some woman to decree wether you are a "bum" or not!

Causing conflict you say? Well is that a bad thing? OF course not!

You need to stop wondering how much hoops you should be jumping through, and instead do these things:

Learn about "fitness tests" from this marriage forum website, and look up "Sh!t tests" outside this websight, and understand what these are and how to pass them.

Learn to embrace conflict with enthusiasm, and how doing this increases respect from your woman.

Learn to view your woman's "if you love me then you'll ... (insert task)" statements with amusement and humor, and never take them literally.

Fact of the matter, it is the same ANYTIME your woman attempts to be your boss, your taskmaster, your supervisor or in any way attempts to place herself above you, simply view such vanity with amusement and respond with wit and humor.

Finally, if your home somehow needs renovating, then decide so from your own decision and leadership and work your plan from there.

A man working from his own leadership and decision, is winning the respect of his woman and not building up resentment in himself.

I wish you well.
Good advice dude. The part about embracing conflict is difficult for me. The w can be verbally abusive when she doesn't get her way and the situation can get ugly. So how do I embrace conflict? I've got all the rest in hand or in progress. Doing right is its own reward regardless of whether the w ever respects you or not.
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Old 06-09-2011, 08:17 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Much Time (if any) Should Be Spent on Home Improvement?

Some men are born with it, they know that they have to be the leaders, but they show their wives love in their way.

Some men are just being too accommodating to their wives, and the result is that you create a woman who is demanding and whining, and yourself is not happy!

Be your own boss, and don't let your wife boss you around.

But providing financial security, marriage fidelity and security, and let her know losing you is something she can't afford!
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Old 06-09-2011, 08:17 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Much Time (if any) Should Be Spent on Home Improvement?

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Good advice dude. The part about embracing conflict is difficult for me. The w can be verbally abusive when she doesn't get her way and the situation can get ugly. So how do I embrace conflict? I've got all the rest in hand or in progress. Doing right is its own reward regardless of whether the w ever respects you or not.
Um, read what I wrote about how my husband called me out on my crap. Tell your wife the same thing. She wants things to be remodeled or things to be fixed, wake her butt up at the crack of dawn and let her know that she will be standing right next to you and working side by side.
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Old 06-09-2011, 08:21 PM   #30 (permalink)
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How much time? Dunno. Get in your pickup, go to Home Depot, I mean the Mexican Embassy, and ask someone.

.......juuuust kidding.

It's only the Consulate.
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