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Old 06-14-2011, 03:17 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Well, she has a cool name!
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Old 06-14-2011, 04:02 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Are there any men reading this who used to be in an impossible relationship but eventually moved on and found someone better? I would love to hear your story.
My relationship became “impossible”, at the end of 42 years!

But I think there’s far more to all this than just finding a new partner. I’m pretty convinced that when we first start out we look for, are naturally drawn towards our “opposite”. And this happens so the combination of the two people make the “whole” needed to give birth to and raise a family. You know, someone has to earn the money while the other stays at home to care for the children.

But without that “family unit” as the driving factor, I think we must ask ourselves the question “Do I really need another person to make me whole?”.

Plus are we looking for somebody to love as well as somebody to love us? I guess the answer to this one must be a yes.

But I wonder how many of us really know how to love and nurture ourselves? How many of us have Googled “How do I love myself?”. And actually acted on the advice given.

So for me I definitely don’t feel I need another to make me whole, like I did when I started out. And I’m learning to love and nurture myself with the thought that another’s love for me will be a bonus but not a necessity.

Does that make any sense?
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Old 06-15-2011, 10:15 AM   #33 (permalink)
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My wife told me yesterday (for the third or fourth time in the last year) that she wants a divorce. She is saying that she wants is as quick and fast as possible so it will be less unpleasant. She says she doesn't have any personal space. I don't understand that. She has a work e-mail, a new personal e-mail, a FaceBook account and her iPhone - all with her own passwords that I have no access to. She has even added KIK Messenger that doesn't even show up on the phone bill. I know this because I came in one day and she was on it and when I walked up behind her she hid her phone and then quickly jumped up and deleted all the messages on it.

She comes and goes as she pleases and I never know where she is. I don't know how I am supposed to give her any more space. She quit counseling last month. All I ask of her is to just show me some love and affection and treat me with a little bit of respect. She says she can't do that.

And in case anyone remembers my story from last year, her boss got fired. He was the idiot that told me that I need to back off, he doesn't believe in boundaries, what do I care what my wife does as long as she comes home at night and several other jewels of wisdom. He got fired for using business expenses on his own personal stuff and a bunch of other things. My wife and her two co-workers was feeding the corporate office dirt on him to get him fired.
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Old 06-15-2011, 10:21 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Doesn't have personal space is translated into she wants to be single. Let her go.

My husband has a male friend who was married to a woman who jumped off into the crazy pool. She became some kind of ***** and none of us knows what happened to her. She moved out last year and their divorce will be final next month. He's dating again. Super guy. Any woman would be lucky to have him and I'm glad he seems to know that.
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Old 06-15-2011, 10:34 AM   #35 (permalink)
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I'm at the point of trying to get my ducks in a row to part from an astoundingly bad choice for a wife. We've been together (for lack of a better word) for three decades.

My problem (sure, of many) is that I fear my "picker" is flawed based on what I chose as a wife. And I do NOT want a repeat or variation on theme of what I've had to this point. Nor do I want to turn into a monk.

I don't look for someone to be my everything going forward. However, the prospect of nothing more than a few coffee dates here and there holds no appeal either.
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Old 06-15-2011, 11:52 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Cloud-Townsend have a website and they are asked ?s and whatnot by people and they have little ideos and they said to the people who are divorced, "you are a poor picker..." sort of like what you said, Michzz. LOL. It must be true, I guess. I am divorced now and I'm not sure I'd ever consider remarrying. Maybe it's not for me.

But then on the flipside, I do see some married couples who should not be together at all. They hate eachohter, never have sex, are mean to eachother. Yet they stay. It's hard to find someone you gel well with.
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Old 06-15-2011, 12:06 PM   #37 (permalink)
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That was precisely my point and it's unfair and if most men in the forums don't believe it speaking up on behalf of women is considered very endearing and attractive.
am i now being stalked?
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Old 06-15-2011, 02:58 PM   #38 (permalink)
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am i now being stalked?
I don't know, are you?
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Old 06-15-2011, 05:42 PM   #39 (permalink)
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If my wife is dead set on leaving me at what point do I tell her to open her own checking account and quit paying her bills?
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Old 06-16-2011, 02:05 AM   #40 (permalink)
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If my wife is dead set on leaving me at what point do I tell her to open her own checking account and quit paying her bills?
I’m beginning to understand why you asked your original question. Your wife wants out and you’re wondering if you can have a better marriage next time round.

First off there aren't many more ways that a man’s ego can be eroded other than having a wife that doesn’t want to be with him. In fact that can be quite soul destroying. But at the moment you wont be truly aware of that. That true awareness comes some time during separation and divorce and you think wtf was I doing staying with her for so very long. That is something you’ve yet to experience.

So for me it’s not a case of can another woman be better for me or can another woman make me happy, it is very much more a case of finding myself and enjoying my own company. I see this period as a transitionary period, like a phase I’m going through and so far it’s lasted 18 months. I don’t really know when it’s going to end, but I do know ending my marriage is one of the very best decisions I’ve ever made. I also think starting my marriage was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, it’s a funny old life sometimes.

If it’s really come to the end for your marriage then behave in ways that maintain your dignity, self-respect and self-esteem. If I was supporting someone financially who didn’t want to be with me then I would feel well used and abused and I’d probably turn my financial support off. But if I felt doing so would negatively impact my dignity, self-esteem etc. then I wouldn’t do it.

If you are really in love with your wife then I’d suggest doing a 180, take a look at The 180. In essence this is a withdrawal of all support for your wife as much as possible. But tell her you want to make it work and if she wants to get into a reconciliation or marriage enrichment program with you you will be more than willing to do that when she lets you know. If you don’t really love your wife then move straight towards separation and divorce, but do both with dignity.

Bob
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Old 06-16-2011, 09:36 AM   #41 (permalink)
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Thanks for the replies. I'm not sure where her head is it. Regardless of what she really wants to do, her head is all screwed up and she is a basket case from the stress at her work and whatever else.

She had been talking to another agent in another state a lot and towards the end of their conversations she told me that he said to her, "What you need is a spiritual leader. You're lost". She told him that I would never try to be that. I told her I completely disagree. Even the marriage counselor says that I have tried very hard to be that for her but that she refuses to listen to anyone.

Anyway, she suggested that I talk to this guy because he supposedly has the perfect marriage and is writing a marriage book. After she told me she wants to leave I was desperate and decided to call him. Not what I expected. He basically agreed with me on everything and had been telling my wife that all along, or so he says. Her "party pics" from her annual meeting in DC that I didn't like, he saw them on FB and told her she needs to get rid of them because they don't look good for her and would obviously make any husband wonder. She never told me that.

He said that he told her that she needs to get out of the main office and open her own office to get away from the bad influences. I have been telling her the same thing all along. He told me that the insurance company they work for is the worst he has ever seen in terms of what kinds of sexual BS is tolerated. He says that he has been blown away at how people act in that company. Those are my observations too.

He also told me that she has some bad influences in her life. I have always thought this and have told my wife this. He mentioned on agent by name, a woman that my wife hangs out with at meetings and talks to about two hours a day for the past year. He said this agent is going through a divorce because she has had an affair with another agent from New Orleans and she doesn't have a good reputation. I have asked my wife point blank more than once if the woman had an affair and if infidelity is the reason for her marriage troubles. I have even asked if she had an affair with this agent from New Orleans, I could feel that she had. She always says no. Now I find out that she did. My wife denies knowing anything about it. How can she not know if she talks to this woman every day on the phone. How this guy know, and not really know her or the agent from New Orleans, yet my wife not know. I don't believe her.

This agent also was completely puzzlued by my wife wanting a divorce right now because he said that she isn't doing good in her new job and may get terminated, or at least she will be looking at about a 50% reduction in pay next year. I asked her how she was going to support herself.

Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to shed some light on the craziness that I go through.
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Old 06-16-2011, 11:00 AM   #42 (permalink)
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I think better for you Mike and only if you work on your part in the failure of the relationship. I don't think that it is always 50/50 or that there is fault in the sense of what you did not do for the other person. It could be things you fail to do for yourself that got you into an incompatible relationship. If you don't fix it, then the dynamic will repeat. Statistically, more 2nd marriages fail than first but you don't have to be on the wrong end of that stat. It can work if you select carefully and be what you need to be to make the relationship thrive.

If you have done everything you can to make your current relationship work and are ready to move on don't let fear stop you. It seems To be important not to leave too soon because it may be salvageable and you also acquire skills that make you better for the next relationship. I think you can safely Get out, work on you and not commit to the first person who comes along. Deejo spot on but don't stop like he did.

D if you don't mind my asking, why did you stop dating?
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Old 06-16-2011, 11:34 AM   #43 (permalink)
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Mike, your circumstances now ... if anything only seem to have deteriorated from where they were 2 years ago. The level of crazy may have diminished, but there has been no upside in terms of connecting with your wife.

Time to be done.

Catherine, to answer your question simply and honestly, regarding why I'm no longer dating? I was in a six month relationship.

It was time to be done. We got along great, but it had gone about as far as it was going to.

Wasn't about to make a larger contribution of time and effort. No desire to. That's why I'm not looking to date at all at the moment. My time and effort is focused elsewhere.
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Old 06-16-2011, 12:00 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Mike, to answer your original question, yes, I have found a marriage that is leaps and bounds better than the one I was in. My ex-wife was having an affair with another woman. Your wife is having an affair also, and has an "affair buddy" to talk it over with, unless that is the person with whom she is having an affair.

Anyway, should you decide to end it, you will find that after many years off the market, many things have changed in the modern dating world. If you go to date women around your own age, you will find most of them are not as hung up about sex as they used to be. You will also find that there are many many women who will respond to a happy, stable, well-off man in very positive ways. The world is your oyster, so you shouldn't put up with any less from your current or any future spouse.

I started dating before I was ready to start having sex, and boy did that drive them nuts. After a few weeks of that I finally gave in, and had the best sex of my life. I had offers from several women. It was like being a hot teen girl.

It so happened that I met an awesome, smart woman during this time who understands what she wants and how to get it. She mentioned that she used to date the bad boys, and I being a typical beta schlub had accidentally come off as one of those on our first meeting because it was at a second party, where I was already a little tipsy, and I was riding my motorcycle.

So, I did some research about bad boys and found game. It was a revelation that it's ok to be a bad boy, because that's what women really want, and being a "nice guy" was really sabotaging my efforts. I'm not really all that nice anyway; I just had to release the beast and let go of failed strategies.

Previously, I had thought that I just wasn't being accommodating enough, and that was why it didn't all work out. I thought I had to hide all that carnal desire and that independent streak to get a woman. I thought it was just the price we had to pay to get sex, as costly as it was to my soul. But every step I took to being a real man was actually encouraged by my new woman, and we are now happily married.

She encourages the manly aspects, but she also is smart and aware of relationships enough to know when it's time for her to set boundaries. I know how to set my boundaries too, and to ask for what I want. So the main thing is we talk about how we really feel without the fear that either will punish the other for it.

In my prior marriage this was not the case. It was always about fear and she was always right. She apologized exactly once in 21 years, after it was all over. She was very narcissistic, and always wondered why everyone couldn't live in her world, it would make the world so much better a place.

Coming out the other side, after years, has been a very pleasant experience. I'm sure the stress in the meantime of divorce, child support, not seeing my kids as much, many months fixing and selling two different houses (mine and my new wife's), getting remarried, buying a new house, all that has taken years off my life no doubt, but it will be a better life, also no doubt.
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Old 06-17-2011, 03:26 PM   #45 (permalink)
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That true awareness comes some time during separation and divorce and you think wtf was I doing staying with her for so very long. That is something you’ve yet to experience.

If it’s really come to the end for your marriage then behave in ways that maintain your dignity, self-respect and self-esteem. If I was supporting someone financially who didn’t want to be with me then I would feel well used and abused and I’d probably turn my financial support off.
Bob
This!

And this!

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Mike, your circumstances now ... if anything only seem to have deteriorated from where they were 2 years ago. The level of crazy may have diminished, but there has been no upside in terms of connecting with your wife.

Time to be done.


Two years is a long time to be holding onto dead weight.
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