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Any men who have found someone better?

10K views 59 replies 26 participants last post by  Mrs.G 
#1 ·
Are there any men reading this who used to be in an impossible relationship but eventually moved on and found someone better? I would love to hear your story.
 
#2 ·
Here is what I can tell you Mike.

I didn't find 'someone' better. I found a whole lot of 'somethings' better.

I rediscovered things that were important to me. I dated and met a number of wonderful women. Different experiences, all of the 'good' that happened in those relationships were clear illustrations of how off-track my marriage had gotten.

I'm not currently dating, and have no desire to, and I'm not worried about what my life looks like with, or without a woman in it.

Don't make decisions based on fear. Fear of your spouse. Fear of rejection. Fear of being alone.
 
#3 ·
Yes, but this was before marriage =/

To be honest my ex was more of a 'stepping stone' to reach my wife at that time... poor thing really, I hope she's doing well where ever she is. Funny thing is I wasn't really looking, she just found me.

My relationship with my now wife started off as a friendship, and then an emotional affair... which somehow worked out =/
 
#49 ·
I have read your posts, where you say that you only loved your first wife out of pity, you never respected her. She wasn't strong enough for you...too needy and clingy right? "The only way I could help her was...*snip.*"

Educate me. I want to know how being pitied, deceived and left for someone else strengthens or helps a woman. If anything, it would just cause her to be bitter and mistrustful, not to mention even more vulnerable.

Why pretend you care how your ex is? You clearly did not care about her when you were married, so why would you give a shxt after you married your OW?

Callous and selfish behaviour sickens me...my stomach is so queasy, so I will stop typing.
 
#4 ·
Mike,

Deejo is on it.

If it blows apart - or has blown apart - you will discover someone "better". You.

All the stuff you really liked to do but haven't been doing?

You are able to pursue it to your heart's content.

More energy at work.

More zest for your kids.

Vibrant and alive, rather than beaten up and anxious.

There truly is nothing to fear.



 
#5 ·
Conrad thanks for that great perspective... though for me I'm still worried that nobody has affirmed yet that they've met someone of the opposite sex whom they enjoy life with more. Life after divorce sounds satisfying but lonely :(
 
#6 ·
I'm not a guy but I am divorced and remarried. It sounds corny, but the reality is that having a relationship is less important when you live a full live. And when you life a full live, that's when you will be open to the type of relationship you will want.

But if your whole life centers around finding a relationship, that means you are looking for that relationship to meet all of your needs. But it doesn't work that way. Relationships are the icing on the cake, not the whole cake. Start baking!
 
#7 ·
This.

One of the primary issues in many dysfunctional marriages is exactly that we have relinquished the responsibility for meeting our needs, and creating happiness to someone else ... and that is patently, a bad idea.

Once you recognize this, your threshold for tolerating a person or circumstances that diminishes who you are rather than complimenting it ... the clearer you can convey that fact, and if necessary, say goodbye.
 
#8 ·
Good answers so far...understand that you are responsible for you....but I think Mikes is a good question, and I am interested in the answer as well. I have been married 30 years, am finally at a place where I can move on, (kids raised and gone, business ready to be sold), tired of doing with "cheaper than rent sex", b ad attitudes, never happy from my spouse. I look forward to singleness, dont fear the alone times at all. BUT I am interested in peoples stories if they were able to find someone new that worked out well. Because, I gotta tell you, I am pretty convienced that if I were ever to get remarried (someone hand me a gun...QUICKLEY) would not be long before I would be back to where I am currently.......not ever going down that road again. I have been observant (100% faithful) and I see a few women time and again that I believe would be fun to date, and I wonder how that has worked for others...maybe just some encouragement....thanks in advance.
 
#9 ·
Mike

Everyones telling u not to worry about it. Be the best man u can be and the strongest in mind body and spirit and then u won't worry about it.

But. As an example. During my separation I had no shortage of coffee date, with beautiful women. The funny thing is, I wasn't looking for sex or a relationship then. Just some social talking. I remember at that time it seemed because I was comfortable with myself and wasn't really pursuing ANY of them, its like they amped up THEIR pursuit. Strange how that works. Lol.

Be your best and you won't have any issues with any of this. By not clinging out of fear or desperation you can then have the state of mind to CHOOSE who makes you the happiest.
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#12 ·
I was engaged when I was 23, but it didn't work out. Thought I'd never find anyone after that. A few months later, when I wasn't even looking, I meet my wonderful wife.

Still happily married, 13 yrs. later.:)
 
#13 ·
One thing that seems to be a consistent theme is how vulnerable we are when in a bad marriage on the brink of divorce, or separated or recently divorced. I've enocountered many stories (including my own) where we were so desperate for what we didn't have, we fell head over heels for the first person that came along and paid attention to us. Be cautious of that. Fortunately for me, the first OW had already been through her rebound and just used me and then blew me off. Ripped my heart up but I'm SO glad it ended up that way. It would not have worked out well in the long run.

And I'm much wiser to it now and will be more cautious in the future.

Good luck.
 
#58 ·
DUDE, I so agree with your words. :iagree: You basically described how it was for me!!!
Now, with some distance, I have a better control over what is important to me and I can treat a partner way more equal and acceptable.
I had to find myself, spend time to listen into me, to be able to find an even partner. Or see if the other person had potential to become "the one".

Don't be afraid to be alone for some time, you need it to heal and be able to move on.

Good Luck!
 
#14 ·
I was reading this and realized that I often read in other threads that women should be afraid that they will not find a good man after they reach their early to mid 30's if they divorce.

Strange, because all the advice in this thread is that finding yourself and enjoying yourself is its own reward...

I wonder then, why is it alright to make women feel insecure about not being able to find a match?

I get that men might not want to admit this but the truth is, it's hard for both genders to recover from a long marriage and find a great guy/girl that is better than. I think men often are unwilling to admit how deeply important a connection beyond the physical is to them.

To the OP, it's absolutely possible but first you have to invest in yourself and your interests and then move on to find someone who has done the same and has similar interests or is complimentary to you. I think if you move on but don't work on yourself first, you are more likely to find someone who is similar or worse than.
 
#16 ·
Just had this conversation last night.
A good friend tells me his wife was cheating for a couple years. The guy's a police officer, and was devastated by the news. It took him a year, and during that time, he described "almost pulling the trigger"...If you know what I mean.
He lost his home, and sees his children on weekends.

Anyway, another year later, he met a beautiful woman. She loves him dearly, treats him with respect, and he adores her.
She owns a beautiful home, and they now live together.
His kids see him regularly, and he's as happy as a pig in mud.

I guess he was trying to tell me something :)
 
#17 ·
To be honest, for me, even in a great marriage - you could always find someone that does it better.

Even if your marriage is great, or if it has problems or is downright bad, there are good and bad qualities in that person we love that may or may not exist in someone else.

Using my two marriages as an example.

My ex-husband liked to listen to me and never tired of hearing me talk.

My current husband can only take so much and then gets agitated.

My ex-husband was very family oriented - liked to spend time with kids, etc.

My current husband is less family oriented.

My ex-husband sucked in bed.

My current husband is great in bed.

My ex-husband couldn't even hammer a nail in the wall straight.

My current husband is a Mr. Fix-It and there's nothing he can't do or figure out how to do.

Maybe the word should be different versus better. Different, when it meets our expectations or needs is always better.
 
#19 ·
For the people that are Hopeless Romantics, I think it is harder on them to live a single life. Something deep within them cries out to be with another, they want to share all their hopes, their dreams, they love to give (but also to receive), to have someone to hold onto at night & wake up to in the mornings.

I don't feel this makes someone weak. We all want what we want in life. We all know the desires of our hearts, don't we- if we are honest with ourselves. When I could not conceive, I was the most unsettled woman on the face of the planet, my whole being cried out for more children. Had I not went out of my way to pursue my dream of being a mother, test after test after test -even getting a laparoscopy (surgery) to see why I couldn't conceive after my 1st child, I may not have my last 5. I would probably still be unsettled today. (just my own little analogy). Nothing wrong with pursuing what you want, if that is looking for another woman - if/when you decide it is "done" in your marraige.


But so true, NEVER jump too quickly, too many rebound love affairs that could rip your heart out. Make sure the next time around -DATE MANY , take your sweet time !! Don't ever settle for less than you dream of, what you know you need to be fullfilled. But of coarse, use reason here, you are no young spring chicken anymore (as my Grandmother use to term the young).

Do not let FEAR of not finding someone stop you -LIfe is truly a RISK in everything we choose to set our heart and our feet too. Isn't it !? Love is the biggest risk of all. If it has been lost or gone at home for years of striving, desperation & pain, it is surely a risk worth taking on someone else, isn't it?

Never let go of your dreams. We only get one life -that we can "prove" anyway.

It often appears when we have "given up" or at the times we least expect an answer, it comes too. When I could not conceive after 6 long dragging years, I was scheduled for invitro (would have cost alot of $$), I was supposed to call the Gyno when I got my monthy, it never came ! I was gloriously pregnant ! Talk about the last minute. And all fell ionto place but had I not pursued relentlessly what I wanted, where would I be today .

Continue the faith. MIke, you will know when enough is enough, I know you recently bought Athol's book for one last shot at this , to revive your wife . If the single life is looking more & more inviting, you have had enough of the rejection and pain, chances are this is where you will find your freedom and NEW wings to soar.

I wish you all the best. :)
 
#24 ·
To the original poster, if you could write down every way in which your relationship with your significant could be ideal, then do it. Write it all down. How you would want her to act, talk, look like, laugh like. What kind of morals and values you'd want her to have. I mean everything! If she meets the majority of the qualities you're looking for then stay. Work it out. Talk about it. It's worth saving. If you find she is just so vastly different then what you want in a partner, then talk it out, try and work it out, it might still be worth saving. Nobody will completely make you happy. Even the ones that say they are totally in love still have some things about their spouse they may not like. Does your partner cheat on you? Lie to you? Treat you with contempt? Even if she did, maybe there's a reason why. Maybe she's not happy too. Did you ever hear the Jimmy Buffet song "pina colada'? That song is what it's all about. You think your wife is not a perfect fit until you realize she is. The grass is never greener on the other side unless you realize why your grass isn't as green. Maybe you just need some fertilizer...or pina coladas ;) Good Luck!
 
#32 ·
My relationship became “impossible”, at the end of 42 years!

But I think there’s far more to all this than just finding a new partner. I’m pretty convinced that when we first start out we look for, are naturally drawn towards our “opposite”. And this happens so the combination of the two people make the “whole” needed to give birth to and raise a family. You know, someone has to earn the money while the other stays at home to care for the children.

But without that “family unit” as the driving factor, I think we must ask ourselves the question “Do I really need another person to make me whole?”.

Plus are we looking for somebody to love as well as somebody to love us? I guess the answer to this one must be a yes.

But I wonder how many of us really know how to love and nurture ourselves? How many of us have Googled “How do I love myself?”. And actually acted on the advice given.

So for me I definitely don’t feel I need another to make me whole, like I did when I started out. And I’m learning to love and nurture myself with the thought that another’s love for me will be a bonus but not a necessity.

Does that make any sense?
 
#33 ·
My wife told me yesterday (for the third or fourth time in the last year) that she wants a divorce. She is saying that she wants is as quick and fast as possible so it will be less unpleasant. She says she doesn't have any personal space. I don't understand that. She has a work e-mail, a new personal e-mail, a FaceBook account and her iPhone - all with her own passwords that I have no access to. She has even added KIK Messenger that doesn't even show up on the phone bill. I know this because I came in one day and she was on it and when I walked up behind her she hid her phone and then quickly jumped up and deleted all the messages on it.

She comes and goes as she pleases and I never know where she is. I don't know how I am supposed to give her any more space. She quit counseling last month. All I ask of her is to just show me some love and affection and treat me with a little bit of respect. She says she can't do that.

And in case anyone remembers my story from last year, her boss got fired. He was the idiot that told me that I need to back off, he doesn't believe in boundaries, what do I care what my wife does as long as she comes home at night and several other jewels of wisdom. He got fired for using business expenses on his own personal stuff and a bunch of other things. My wife and her two co-workers was feeding the corporate office dirt on him to get him fired.
 
#34 ·
Doesn't have personal space is translated into she wants to be single. Let her go.

My husband has a male friend who was married to a woman who jumped off into the crazy pool. She became some kind of ***** and none of us knows what happened to her. She moved out last year and their divorce will be final next month. He's dating again. Super guy. Any woman would be lucky to have him and I'm glad he seems to know that.
 
#35 ·
I'm at the point of trying to get my ducks in a row to part from an astoundingly bad choice for a wife. We've been together (for lack of a better word) for three decades.

My problem (sure, of many) is that I fear my "picker" is flawed based on what I chose as a wife. And I do NOT want a repeat or variation on theme of what I've had to this point. Nor do I want to turn into a monk.

I don't look for someone to be my everything going forward. However, the prospect of nothing more than a few coffee dates here and there holds no appeal either.
 
#36 ·
Cloud-Townsend have a website and they are asked ?s and whatnot by people and they have little ideos and they said to the people who are divorced, "you are a poor picker..." sort of like what you said, Michzz. LOL. It must be true, I guess. I am divorced now and I'm not sure I'd ever consider remarrying. Maybe it's not for me.

But then on the flipside, I do see some married couples who should not be together at all. They hate eachohter, never have sex, are mean to eachother. Yet they stay. It's hard to find someone you gel well with.



 
#40 ·
I’m beginning to understand why you asked your original question. Your wife wants out and you’re wondering if you can have a better marriage next time round.

First off there aren't many more ways that a man’s ego can be eroded other than having a wife that doesn’t want to be with him. In fact that can be quite soul destroying. But at the moment you wont be truly aware of that. That true awareness comes some time during separation and divorce and you think wtf was I doing staying with her for so very long. That is something you’ve yet to experience.

So for me it’s not a case of can another woman be better for me or can another woman make me happy, it is very much more a case of finding myself and enjoying my own company. I see this period as a transitionary period, like a phase I’m going through and so far it’s lasted 18 months. I don’t really know when it’s going to end, but I do know ending my marriage is one of the very best decisions I’ve ever made. I also think starting my marriage was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, it’s a funny old life sometimes.

If it’s really come to the end for your marriage then behave in ways that maintain your dignity, self-respect and self-esteem. If I was supporting someone financially who didn’t want to be with me then I would feel well used and abused and I’d probably turn my financial support off. But if I felt doing so would negatively impact my dignity, self-esteem etc. then I wouldn’t do it.

If you are really in love with your wife then I’d suggest doing a 180, take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html. In essence this is a withdrawal of all support for your wife as much as possible. But tell her you want to make it work and if she wants to get into a reconciliation or marriage enrichment program with you you will be more than willing to do that when she lets you know. If you don’t really love your wife then move straight towards separation and divorce, but do both with dignity.

Bob
 
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