Hello. I stumbled upon this forum whilst looking for some sort of advice or insight on something that has been weighing heavily on my mind.
My wife and I are in our very early 30s. We've been married for 4 years and have a 2yo daughter. I have a 12yo daughter from a previous marriage. For the last few years, we have been unable to get in sync at all sexually and I find myself growing more and more frustrated by it.
We have talked about it numerous times and it seems that the same thing comes out of every conversation - "You need to help out around here more. Nothing would turn me on more than to see you doing the dishes." Alone and by itself, this seems like a very easy issue to 'diagnose.' I have tried helping out around the house, but it is exhausting. My wife works 3rd shift from 10pm - 6am, sleeps from 7:30am - 3:30pm, and is home with the girls in the evenings. I am up getting the grls ready for school/daycare at 6am, work from 8am - 5pm, and am in school until 8:30pm. Schedules aside, there would be no problem in finding the time for sex. The issue with the schedules is the fact that I'm not home all day, which is when she does chores. She does the laundry, cleaning, etc. while I'm at work or at school.
When I do help out around the house with laundry or dishes, she accuses me of only doing it for sex. It seems like I cannot win with her as far as that goes. She rarely initiates sex and when I do, she criticizes the when and how.
I find my self growing more and more frustrated every day. I would like to have sex once or twice a week, but it has been once every month or month-and-a-half. Special occasions (birthday, anniversary, etc.) don't even seem to change things.
If anyone has any insight, I would really appreciate it.
Sounds like you're in a place atm where nothing you do or say will make a difference (or so it seems )
Right now she's testing if you love her. The harder she throws stuff at you, the harder you laugh it off. This is your time to have a lil fun with this. If she says you're only doing the dishes because you want sex, why not reply with "What if I am?" in a playful tone, with a cheeky grin and a wink. Bring a bit of variety into the relationship and just have fun with it
Whatever you do, don't let her get to you and don't back down Again, have lots of fun with this, she'll appreciate it
Another thing is, when you're intimate with her, try matching your breathing patterns with her and see what it does
How long has she been on the third shift? I work teh third shift as well.
I am constantly tired and cranky. My life is miserable when I work the third shift. I sleep about 6 hours a day, but no matter how much you sleep duringt he day time, it does not equal the same type of sleep at night. I can get a 2 hour nap before work in the dark of night and it is a better sleep then 6-8 hours during the daytime, your body is just not programed for "quality" sleep during the day, anyone that works the third shift knows what I am talking about. We hate it.
Also, we are always to tired and cranky to do house work, I ahve a lawnt to be cut, hedges to trim, stuff to do...but I find I don't becuase I am tired, cranky, I'm just not motivated to do it, and I find I am short with my wife when I find Dishes, laundry, etc, even though she works 40hrs as well so I often realize I am being a butthead and apologize, and she knows it's the night shift.
Sex life can be hurting as well, we are like ships in the night, either I am to tired, or she has to work, or we have to do something as a family, we have to fit it in. My sex drive plumments when i work the night shift. I am just to tired.
My recommendations, take her "complaints" with a grain of salt, it's her crankiness talking not herself. Talk to your 12 year old that this is a rough life in terms of her step-mother and her tiredness/crankiness, not to take things to heart.
Give the 12 year old some chores, I have a list of chores for my three children, they get points each day for each chore they complete for me..Dishes, laundry, getting the mail, putting the garbage out, etc. At the end of the week they get a $$ for the amoutn of points they ahve earned. 10 points equals $2, 20 points equals $5, 50 points equal $10 100 points equals $20, they get points for all kinds of things, Putting their shoes away, cleaning the living room, doing their homework without being told, feeding the dog, etc. It really helps around the house and motivates the kids to do some work, espically if they want something rom the store. They have to buy stuff with their own money.
since you only have a 12 year old and 2 year old, I would pay/earn points her for watching the 2 year old so mommy can get some sleep. etc.
I would also see if your wife can switch shifts, the third shift sucks, even if the money is better, it is not worth the strain on the family. I do it for Soccer season only so I can coach my childrens soccer team and I keep my crankiness in check. If she can't switch, do the best you can and you ahve to be the strong one her, she is can fall into depression rather quickly working this shift