not surprised

Hello! I have a question. I find myself never wanting to make eye contact with men. My reasoning being it seems if you smile or talk to a man they think you want them. My STBX father-in-law seems to think this. I could just tell by the things he said. I think this must start really early in life. My sister and I was once in a furniture and we had my 3 yr. old nephew with us. The owner of the furniture store's little girl was there and she was about 3 also. She looked at my nephew and smiled and said hi. We walk to the other side of the store and my nephew said...that girl wanted me. My sister and I looked at each other and just rolled our eyes. Really? So how can I be friendly to a man without them thinking I want them.

AFEH

Interesting. For me the friendliness with the women in my life is achieved through shared interests. These interests can be gardening, cooking, sports, archaeology etc.

But if I were to go looking for a friendship with a woman who I had no shared interest with then it will undoubtedly be seen as though I am trying to get an emotional relationship with her, which would be true.

It’s probably the same if a woman goes looking for a relationship with a man, the man will always think you are interested in him as an individual, not because you are members of a tennis club etc.

not surprised

I guess I'm just afraid of men. Not homosexual by any means. I've just been hurt and scared of the opposite sex.

Runs like Dog

Stop. Stop reasoning. Stop intellectualizing. Stop thinking about thinking about it.

Engage men, they won't bite. And for what its worth, some men are even MORE turned on by a coquette who's bashful and won't make eye contact.

Edge

Speak for yourself. I like to bite and my wife enjoys it.

Runs like Dog

What makes you think that because I'm civilized I want to get in your pants?

alphaomega

Crap!

Here I thought the girl at the store, the dry cleaners, the liquor store, and the hair salon all wanted to fk me! And that little old lady who gives me my coffee every morning.

Geeez. What a bummer!
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Mom6547

That makes no sense. You would seek an emotional relationship with someone you DIDN'T have shared interest with?

AFEH

Nope

Mom6547

DUH! I get it.

southbound

I see what you are saying, so, what are the signals that it's ok for a man to ask a woman out? Due to a recent divorce, I haven't dated in 20 years, so I'm a bit rusty, but I remember this concept then too.

I always assumed that if a man and woman could be friendly and share a few laughs, why not think you might enjoy each other's company on a date?

SimplyAmorous

I enjoy talking to men, even strangers I am comfortable chatting with, and I can be very friendly, What saves me is-- I am married and off limits anyway. So I guess I can get away with it, husband is always right there beside me.

Many women are afraid to be too nice because some GUYS do get the wrong idea, especially if they are really lonely and looking for some attention. Guys have this problem too, they never want to show any attention to the girls they do not like for fear they will get the wrong idea !

YOu just never know what is lurking in soemeone's mind. IN some cultures, maybe within some churches even , women are taught to never pursue men, but wait for the man to come to them, let them speak first.

Southbound --just take the RISK, ask, it is what a man should do if he is interested. If it fails, so what, try again with someone new another day. Happiness is worth the risk !

And women, there is nothing at all wrong with being friendly, of coarse if you know the man has a bad reputation, a stalker, or he is mental, try to avoid his gaze by all means !

But otherwise, if they get the wrong idea just by a smile and some talking, they are delusional. (Women also here) Seriously ! If this is the case, I would have all kinds of men thinking I am coming on to them. Holy cow I can be exceptionally friendly if someone starts a conversaton with me -cause I like to BS , and I talk can talk about alot more than the weather . Some people are just "friendly" by nature, most especially the SANGUINE personality types.

One thing is if you are friendly and they feel it is more somehow, asking you out, just don't fake it, I mean, I have seen this too many times, girls wanting to be nice, not hurt the guys feelings too much, but letting him get the wrong idea, stringing him along - Women need to set them straight to not waste their time, energies and fantasies.

It would suck for anyone to hold out Hope when there is none. So women, he careful how you handle these more vulnerable men . Be real ! I know from talking to my one male friend, he says he would rather you talk -be forward about enjoying his FRIENDSHIP but likes when the women tells him point blank -this is the end of the line, it won't go any further. Rather than ignore he exists, or leave him hanging in limbo guessing -when there is no hope. He had a woman do that to him, he wasted years praying, hoping for more- they did many things together, close friends, she just wanted friendship ONLY but never told him this, she used him for other things (painting her house, hauling things), kinda made him feel like he was in the "running" - so he was crushed terribly, why he now appreciates those who tell him outright.


MY son was told "I just want to be friends" by the girl he is in love with at college and he has a very hard head, he is still holding out hope, after a year ! I give the girl credit for not stringing him along and still being a good close friend to him -but I keep getting on him to move along.

Getting to know people can be "messy". But life would be no fun without it.

__________________
"Love Good Blog"

southbound

Good comments SimplyAmorous!

I've been off the dating scene for 20 years, but I was never shy about asking a girl out. To me, it always seemed like the most natural thing for a guy to ask a girl out. If I went through a check-out, for example, and saw a girl I thought was nice, I might come back a few times, make small conversation, and ask her out. After all, you only live once. A lot of times she already had a boyfriend, so I moved on.

The thing that my friends and I talked about was how unnatural some girls acted like it was. They would be nice, but when asked out they acted like, OMG, what just happened? They acted like they just saw a UFO. I never really understood that reaction. I don't have to think a girl is Miss America or that I want to spend the rest of my life with her just to go out on a date.