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post #16 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-26-2015, 01:03 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

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Originally Posted by zillard View Post
HOW she answers, yes.

FWIW, I'm no fan of separation as, once separated, how would one know?
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Since she set the rules for separation, she's already thought about it.

She either:
1. explictly said she'd start to see other people
2. explicity said she wouldn't
3. didnt' say anything, which I would assume equivalent to #1 unless you want to ask her.

When my wife left me, it was path 3. I assumed since we didn't discuss it, and were still 'working on it' that it meant no other guys.

Until she took off for a weekend with another guy and I got mad about it. I still remember that email.

"We're separated. You need to get used to it."
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post #17 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-26-2015, 01:12 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

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Since she set the rules for separation, she's already thought about it.

She either:
1. explictly said she'd start to see other people
2. explicity said she wouldn't
3. didnt' say anything, which I would assume equivalent to #1 unless you want to ask her.

When my wife left me, it was path 3. I assumed since we didn't discuss it, and were still 'working on it' that it meant no other guys.

Until she took off for a weekend with another guy and I got mad about it. I still remember that email.

"We're separated. You need to get used to it."
Fun, huh?

I got #3 by way of "I don't know", which I took as a #1 and filed.
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post #18 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-26-2015, 02:14 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

Some good other responses, but let me provide perhaps a different insight, since I am troubled by something similar in my marriage: you say that she is working on medical school? That's a pretty heavy duty experience, in fact, some of those programs are so stressful that they are soul changing. If you are not fully 'in', meaning fully engaged in supporting her through the process, she will likely be changed by the experience in such a way that you are left behind. Its not so much that she will have upgraded herself beyond you, but rather, she will have gone through a traumatic experience that she will not have shared with you, and she will begin to believe that you cannot understand (unless you have been to medical school too). I am not a doctor, but have a high stress career, and when the support is not there or not what it feels like it needs to be, its easy for the relationship to fall apart.
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post #19 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-26-2015, 02:35 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

You need to do some snooping because... IF she is entertaining thoughts of someone else and follows through, 1-you may be 100% through with her or 2-

you may still want to save the M. A lot hinges on this. Asking her point blank may get you the answer but be wary.... if they are in the "fog" they will lie

to you, almost every time. Just work on yourself and give her all the space she wants. If she wants to get in contact with you, she knows how.

But I would recommend if she does move out, you may very well deem this as the death blow to the M. Let her know there are consequences.

As Zillard stated, moving out is a strong indication there is someone else. When my XW started coming home on the weekends but not during the week

(this lasted 3-4 weeks), it gave me the time to detach and I decided "walking out on the M was enough for me to say, it is over."

When she returned home every night straight from work, she would chatterbox me about everything.... but the M. That was all I

wanted to hear about, the rest was garbage. Halfway through the 60 day wait for D, I left a non-negotiable on coffee table.

Two weeks before D final, I made her show her hand. It was what I thought it to be... and it nailed the coffin shut.

Do I know if she ever cheated, no I don't but walking out on me.... was the ultimate betrayal.

Check out these links and if you have questions about snooping (tech) view Weightlifters thread.

Just Let Them Go

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #20 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-26-2015, 02:51 PM Thread Starter
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Right now I am still paying our bills as in cell phone and car insurance. I stayed in the house she's staying at her moms. It's been almost 2 weeks so I think it's to early for me to go the route of totally cutting her off. But how long do I wait before I finally ask what are we doing? Where is this going? I keep hearing that I should give her the space right now but then I'm hearing that I need to flat out ask her if there's anyone else she's seeing? I don't know what to do.
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post #21 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-26-2015, 03:17 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

Talking about separation rules - dating or not - is something to do before actually separating. If you two did not, I'd assume the above #1.

I would not initiate any talks about relationship. Has she during this 2 weeks?
I would not reach out to her mother, even though it might be tempting.
I would not ask if she's seeing anyone.
I would assume she is and proceed accordingly.

Has she offered YOU any peace of mind, re dating around or not?

What are WE doing? No. What is MrPack doing?
Where is THIS going? No. Where is MrPack going?
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post #22 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-26-2015, 03:29 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

Mr. Pack..... Zillard has a massive thread detailing his D. There are several "titans" of TAM on there, Conrad, HM64, Three Strikes, Mavish.

It is a "how to" guide to dealing with a divorce.

What to do with "I don't know".

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #23 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-26-2015, 03:35 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

Right now there is no "we".

She told you she isn't sure if she wants to be in the boat, but is hoping you'll just tie the boat to the dock and hang out. Waiting for her until she decides she's through swimming through whatever it is she is swimming through.

If you sit there and keep yelling to her, "Are ya done yet!?" all you'll be doing is comforting her at your own expense. She'll know you're still there and will keep swimming as long as she wants.

Don't be her lighthouse. Get out of the boat and go shoot some pool, play some darts. IF she comes and finds you, THEN you can both talk about getting back in the boat. If she doesn't, well, you still enjoyed playing darts instead of going hoarse shouting out to sea.
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post #24 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-26-2015, 03:41 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

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So are you guys saying I should jsut totally leave her alone, dont text call or email unless she initiates it? I konw the more I pressure her right now the more it'll push her away.
Yes. Tell her to let you know when she's found herself and you'll let her know if you're still interested.

Then, Go Dark.
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post #25 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-26-2015, 03:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

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Originally Posted by zillard View Post
Right now there is no "we".

She told you she isn't sure if she wants to be in the boat, but is hoping you'll just tie the boat to the dock and hang out. Waiting for her until she decides she's through swimming through whatever it is she is swimming through.

If you sit there and keep yelling to her, "Are ya done yet!?" all you'll be doing is comforting her at your own expense. She'll know you're still there and will keep swimming as long as she wants.

Don't be her lighthouse. Get out of the boat and go shoot some pool, play some darts. IF she comes and finds you, THEN you can both talk about getting back in the boat. If she doesn't, well, you still enjoyed playing darts instead of going hoarse shouting out to sea.

Thanks Zillard, what you said makes complete sense. I do not want to push her away so I guess I'll just keep doing me for right now and see what happens.
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post #26 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-26-2015, 03:53 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

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But how long do I wait before I finally ask what are we doing? Where is this going?
Clarify the rules about fvcking other people.

Then, tell her what YOU are doing.
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post #27 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-26-2015, 04:02 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

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Originally Posted by MrPack View Post
Right now I am still paying our bills as in cell phone and car insurance. I stayed in the house she's staying at her moms. It's been almost 2 weeks so I think it's to early for me to go the route of totally cutting her off. But how long do I wait before I finally ask what are we doing? Where is this going? I keep hearing that I should give her the space right now but then I'm hearing that I need to flat out ask her if there's anyone else she's seeing? I don't know what to do.
Ask her now, today, what separation means to her.

Does it mean: That we can see/be romantic/have sex with other people? Or not?

It's a simple question. It's your life she's ****ing with. You deserve an answer to it.
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post #28 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-26-2015, 05:30 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

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Originally Posted by marduk View Post
Ask her now, today, what separation means to her.

Does it mean: That we can see/be romantic/have sex with other people? Or not?

It's a simple question. It's your life she's ****ing with. You deserve an answer to it.
OP,

My original response on the first page can be disregard if the answer to the following question is yes.

"Does it mean: That we can see/be romantic/have sex with other people? Or not?"

1. Find a good lawyer and file divorce asap.
2. Cut all financial support.
3. HARD 180.
4. Improve your self and have fun with life.
5. Set health boundaries.


A separation is usually a prelude to a divorce anyways.
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post #29 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-26-2015, 05:34 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

MrPack
Some of the key components of going NC / 180 is for your sanity... and growth. You will rediscover a lot of things about yourself you forgot while in the M.

Hang with guys, join the gym.... trust me it will not be long before you run into 2-3 other guys who are in the same boat as you.

Go out, have a beer, talk about exs (just not the STBXW). See... if she realizes you are not waiting for her, she will get curious. It will

gnaw at her that you are out having a blast, without her. Don't "date" women but interact with them. She will not have to see you with other women

to notice this. Since she has already moved out... you need to just take it for granted she is wanting to see others. Like Z said,

she offered you no reassurance she was not going to. Since she did not say a thing, if she does date other men, she did not lie....

she didn't say she was not going to see others.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #30 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-26-2015, 06:17 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

Okay.... she comes around in 60 days. He asks her if she dated / slept with any guy. She replies 'of course not.' But his gut screams it is a lie.

That is why seeing if there is a posOM as early as possible is critical

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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