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post #31 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-26-2015, 08:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

I have looked at cell phone records and see nothing out of the ordinary as far as texts or calls but she has an iPhone so she could be sending imessages which do not show up on the phone log they just use data. Is there a way to see who she is texting via imessage???
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post #32 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 02:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

Quote:
Originally Posted by intheory View Post
Mr. Pack,

Your wife is going to medical school.

The first thing I thought was, "that costs a lot of money".

So, has she taken out a lot of money in loans? Will you be a co-signer/co-responsible if a divorce takes place?

I'm guessing attending medical school, and the massive amount of studying you have to do takes up all her time. The point is, does she hold down a job too?

If not, are you funding medical school and her keep while she attends it. Would you continue doing this if separated; then divorced?
Yes she does have student loans, I did not co-sign for those fortunately. She does have a part time job at the Medical school as a TA and office assistant, doesnt pay much but its something. Right now there are things I'm still paying for outside of med school such as car insurance and our cell phones. She moved out to her moms so I'm still in our house which is under my name and I pay for. This separation is still new so I'm not ready to totally cut her off. But I know that at some point in the near future I need to have that talk with her. She said she needed time and to be honest I feel like I need this time as well as hard as that is to say. So I am giving her time and space as best I can until I get to that breaking point of needing to make some decisions regarding waht I want for MYSELF and what I want regarding our marriage.
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post #33 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 02:41 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

"Need time" could be code for "I want out of the marriage but if I tell you that, you're going to be hurt, so please go away, leave me alone and maybe, with any luck, you'll forget about wanting me back".

My point is that you should start preparing for the worst. There is no avoiding the pain but you can certainly take steps to help mitigate its impact on your life.

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #34 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 03:10 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrPack View Post
Yes she does have student loans, I did not co-sign for those fortunately. She does have a part time job at the Medical school as a TA and office assistant, doesnt pay much but its something. Right now there are things I'm still paying for outside of med school such as car insurance and our cell phones. She moved out to her moms so I'm still in our house which is under my name and I pay for. This separation is still new so I'm not ready to totally cut her off. But I know that at some point in the near future I need to have that talk with her. She said she needed time and to be honest I feel like I need this time as well as hard as that is to say. So I am giving her time and space as best I can until I get to that breaking point of needing to make some decisions regarding waht I want for MYSELF and what I want regarding our marriage.
That sounds fairly ideal from a financial perspective. Your support is minimal and if/when insurance and phone is separated the impact won't be bad.

That conversation should happen eventually if separation continues, but I'd stick to business and not feelings. In the meantime I suggest consulting with a lawyer to prepare yourself.
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post #35 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 05:10 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

The fact that she is in medical school makes it very difficult for you to have a quick resolution. Unfortunately, medical school is followed by a three-year medical residency, which is even more time consuming, followed often by another 1 - 3 years of residency to become a specialist. This life-style is even difficult for healthy marriages to overcome.

I don't think that she'll have the time, energy, or commitment to work through the difficult marriage problems you and her have.
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post #36 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 05:11 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

WELL DONE ZILLARD. Reread everything he said. Memorize it. Live it.
Im head of 007 here. Not sure how to take your case. She could be cheating. Flip a coin really.
1) EXPLICITLY set the separation rules NOW. It will tell you volumes on her real plans.
2) UH "only texting people I know" Cough, Posters RDMU, RTBP, BFF... Dude it would be FAR FROM the first friend affair. Not a red flag per se, just your green flag is not really a green flag.
3) Has she done any of the following?
a) I love you but im not in love with you
b) Dresses better/ Lost weight
c) Guarded phone while together.
d) New Passwords everywhere.
e) Unexplained time or sudden need to help sick friends.

If not. May just be a walk away wife. Maybe sex with a hockey team. No real feel.
Im not saying she is in affair. you have one major red flag. The rewriting history leading to separation. You however have NO green flags. Friends fvck their friends wives every day.
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post #37 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 05:59 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

MrP,

Your only hope is radical honesty. From what I've seen on this thread that isn't your strength.

You might want to decide what's more important - managing your sense of self - or getting to the best possible outcome.

You should have a pretty good sense of why she left. Did she create conflict so she could leave, or not? If she did, there is someone else. If she didn't, there likely isn't.

Only you know that...



Quote:
Originally Posted by MrPack View Post
Yes she does have student loans, I did not co-sign for those fortunately. She does have a part time job at the Medical school as a TA and office assistant, doesnt pay much but its something. Right now there are things I'm still paying for outside of med school such as car insurance and our cell phones. She moved out to her moms so I'm still in our house which is under my name and I pay for. This separation is still new so I'm not ready to totally cut her off. But I know that at some point in the near future I need to have that talk with her. She said she needed time and to be honest I feel like I need this time as well as hard as that is to say. So I am giving her time and space as best I can until I get to that breaking point of needing to make some decisions regarding waht I want for MYSELF and what I want regarding our marriage.
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post #38 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 06:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

-I didnt get the I love you but I'm not in love with you.
-She wasnt dressing better or loosing weight.
-Never guarded her phone, in fact days before she said she wanted a separation she asked me to look up a number in her phone cause she was in the other room. We both always knew eachothers passwords.
-Cant think of any unexplained times away, she had lots of study groups at our freakin house and some at school. I would even stop by her study group at school from time to time to drop off food or say hi (i grew to become friends with some of her study group).

The only real thing i'm seeing now as I look back is that we literally never had anytime to ourselves and when we did it was always spent with our friends or family together cause there was always something going on like someones birthday or some holiday. I'm not sayng she wasnt cheating or isnt seeing someone right now I'm just saying that I'm not finding much evidence of that. But I could certainly be wrong.

I did notice as she got deeper into med school she started changing her views on religion, views on life, uncertainty of the future as far as wanting kids, stopped wanting to do little things that used to make her happy (stuff as dumb as tv shows, movies, going to dinner with our friends/family). She literally ONLY thought about school and her next exam. She would study Saturday mornings at a coffee shop and ask me to come with her cause she gets too distracted at the house. I of course not reading the signs refused to go sit at a coffee shop for hours while she studied (looking back now I wish I would have taken her up on the offers).

I have my first visit with a counselor on my own tonight hopefully he can shed some light on what to make of the mess I'm in.

But I would also like to thank all of you for taking the time to help me out. I'm greatful I found this site. Thanks everyone.
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post #39 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 06:34 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

It is extremely common for people in the med field (mainly meaning med school) to question God and religion.

In the medical field and for that matter any other field where people study past a masters

degree, the % of agnostics rise dramatically.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #40 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 07:36 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

MrP,

Gaping holes:
- You share your age but not your wife's age - that's quite an unusual omission and I'm guessing theres a reason you chose not to share it.
- You say that neither of you were all that happy in the last 2 years. But say absolutely nothing about why. You dont have kids, so it was clearly caused by issues between the two of you. But you have not said a word about what those issues were.

You can't really expect a lot of help when you omit even an outline of the situation.



Quote:
Originally Posted by MrPack View Post
-I didnt get the I love you but I'm not in love with you.
-She wasnt dressing better or loosing weight.
-Never guarded her phone, in fact days before she said she wanted a separation she asked me to look up a number in her phone cause she was in the other room. We both always knew eachothers passwords.
-Cant think of any unexplained times away, she had lots of study groups at our freakin house and some at school. I would even stop by her study group at school from time to time to drop off food or say hi (i grew to become friends with some of her study group).

The only real thing i'm seeing now as I look back is that we literally never had anytime to ourselves and when we did it was always spent with our friends or family together cause there was always something going on like someones birthday or some holiday. I'm not sayng she wasnt cheating or isnt seeing someone right now I'm just saying that I'm not finding much evidence of that. But I could certainly be wrong.

I did notice as she got deeper into med school she started changing her views on religion, views on life, uncertainty of the future as far as wanting kids, stopped wanting to do little things that used to make her happy (stuff as dumb as tv shows, movies, going to dinner with our friends/family). She literally ONLY thought about school and her next exam. She would study Saturday mornings at a coffee shop and ask me to come with her cause she gets too distracted at the house. I of course not reading the signs refused to go sit at a coffee shop for hours while she studied (looking back now I wish I would have taken her up on the offers).

I have my first visit with a counselor on my own tonight hopefully he can shed some light on what to make of the mess I'm in.

But I would also like to thank all of you for taking the time to help me out. I'm greatful I found this site. Thanks everyone.
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post #41 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 09:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
MrP,

Gaping holes:
- You share your age but not your wife's age - that's quite an unusual omission and I'm guessing theres a reason you chose not to share it.
- You say that neither of you were all that happy in the last 2 years. But say absolutely nothing about why. You dont have kids, so it was clearly caused by issues between the two of you. But you have not said a word about what those issues were.

You can't really expect a lot of help when you omit even an outline of the situation.
I thought I said her age at the beginning but I guess not, shes 29, nothing to hide there. As far as us not being 100% happy for the past couple years I'm still trying to figure that all out. I just know that she was always busy with school and I was always busy with my career so there was resentment on both ends. I would say that we had a VERY up and down sex life, great for a few months at a time then slowed way down. That's coming from her and I. Weve struggled financially for years so that was always an issue. I suffer from anxiety and it can be quite debilitating at times not wanting to go out and do new things. When I'm struggling with my anxiety I become somewhat of a home body. We've gone back and forth in regards to when or if we will have kids. I've always wanted kids but was wiling to wait, she kept putting it off and now is to the point where she doesn't even know if she wants kids.

Sorry I'm normally a very private person, this whole sharing thing is new to me. But I also understand I cant get much help unless I open up. I'm not trying to hide anything I just didn't know where to start I guess.
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post #42 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-27-2015, 10:43 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

Well done. I sincerely mean that.

I get that this is awkward for some people. You will find the folks here want to help you. And that we ummm - ALL - have quirks and mostly accept that as normal.

The anxiety thing - I used to suffer from that. Very draining.

I think your wife was asking you to study with her at Starbucks as a gauge of just how home 'bound' you were. I think she drew a strong and frightening conclusion from your choice not to join her.

I'm not taking her side at all. Just explaining that she might have taken that choice - extrapolated it into the future and freaked out at the idea that you might become more and more unwilling to go out with her.

People who are tense and tired tend to amplify issues. Med school leaves most folks tense and tired....


Quote:
Originally Posted by MrPack View Post
I thought I said her age at the beginning but I guess not, shes 29, nothing to hide there. As far as us not being 100% happy for the past couple years I'm still trying to figure that all out. I just know that she was always busy with school and I was always busy with my career so there was resentment on both ends. I would say that we had a VERY up and down sex life, great for a few months at a time then slowed way down. That's coming from her and I. Weve struggled financially for years so that was always an issue. I suffer from anxiety and it can be quite debilitating at times not wanting to go out and do new things. When I'm struggling with my anxiety I become somewhat of a home body. We've gone back and forth in regards to when or if we will have kids. I've always wanted kids but was wiling to wait, she kept putting it off and now is to the point where she doesn't even know if she wants kids.

Sorry I'm normally a very private person, this whole sharing thing is new to me. But I also understand I cant get much help unless I open up. I'm not trying to hide anything I just didn't know where to start I guess.
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post #43 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-28-2015, 11:07 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

Medical school is a whole other planet.. alien to most people who haven't experienced it.

My guess w/the study request is she wanted you to share a bit of her experience... and spend some time with you. You should have said yes.

And yes, she will be meeting 'likeminded' men in her class that she may feel a kindred connection to. It's normal to bond with classmates in the med school environment. So you need to be doing things to support her and maintain the bond.

May I ask what you do? Are you also a professional?
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post #44 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-30-2015, 03:45 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

Best estimate is walk away wife.

You have exactly one big red flag.

Could be affair but lacking another red flag, going 007 seems overboard.
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post #45 of 46 (permalink) Old 05-30-2015, 03:46 PM
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Re: Surviving a marriage seperation r

Set the dating rules now. Don't be blindsided.
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