Rough draft. Feedback welcome.
Boundary handbook:
Boundary testing: A boundary test is an interaction that violates the golden rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you).
This handbook is for folks in LTRs including marriage. It is mostly predicated on two things: (1) situational awareness and (2) self control. Being highly aware of boundary testing behaviors will only help you if you are able to manage your Anger, Fear and Insecurity. Get a handle on those and the rest of this is just technique. Practice and you will get good at it.
If you want to get the most out of this handbook, you should consider the strategies below.
1. This is about patterns of behavior not the occasional oops. The purpose here is not to turn anyone into a hyper-vigilant whack job who takes everything personally. It is intended to help you recognize patterns that are important and worth addressing.
2. After you read this through the first time, you may be filled with righteous indignation about all the ways your partner violates your boundaries. Stop for a moment and try to determine:
a. How often you do this type of stuff to them
b. When you do it, do they make a big deal about it, or not
c. Whether this is a boundary issue or a different type of relationship issue (maybe you talk too much about stuff they find boring, or maybe you complain a lot more than you realize)
3. If you decide that your boundaries really are getting badly violated, take heart:
a. Your partner is likely VERY consistent. This means you can plan ahead how you will respond to these boundary breaching behaviors.
b. Humor is best, but you should be teasing THEM. Absent humor, be VERY short on words and make heavy use of tone of voice and body language. And stay calm – they may not be calm – but you have to.
4. Are they really behaving badly “overall” or are your standards unrealistic? The best way to know is to triangulate:
a. Do your friends/family show much more respect for your boundaries than your partner does?
b. Does your partner show much more respect for their friends and families boundaries than for yours?
In general you have a serious problem if your partner treats other people noticeably better than they treat you. And if other people treat you a lot better than your partner, that is another bad sign.
The good news. Even if your partner is consistently violating your boundaries and treating you worse than they treat the maid, it is likely fixable. In fact boundary management can become one of the most entertaining aspects of your marriage if you master it. Engage properly with your “boundary testing partner” and it will help you reach your full emotional potential. And a partner who helps you reach your full potential is by definition a great partner. The stuff below is rarely malicious, it is just a “style of interaction”.
The bad news. If you do not enforce your boundaries, your partner will gradually lose respect and ultimately love for you. They will frequently do things to you they would absolutely not accept you or anyone else doing to them and they will slowly but surely get “worse” over time. You have two choices, learn how to enforce your boundaries, or continue getting your butt slowly but steadily kicked until finally you literally have no a$$ left and no choice but to stand at attention and do “each and every little thing that pops into their head” until they tire of you and find someone more fun to play with.
The way a typical person deals with a boundary testing partner is this:
- The tester does a series of minor things you dislike. Each of those things is below your threshold for conflict. Hey you’re a grownup. You don’t sweat the small stuff. You don’t want to be petty. Besides you love your spouse and these individual items are “NOT WORTH A FIGHT”. Meanwhile you DO notice this stuff and it is slowly making you angry.
- Finally they do one more of them after you have had a long stressful day, or you are tired, or worse have had a few beers. You now erupt into high intensity conflict HIC mode. You say and do inappropriate things. When the dust settles you apologize for being a jerk. Which you SHOULD, because you WERE a jerk. Classic passive/aggressive. Very destructive. After having that happen enough you decide you no longer want to fight (since you always lose) and you simply become passive/passive.
If you want to get good at this the first step is to recognize the main categories of boundary testing:
1. I am more important than you are (my time, my feelings, my priorities, my money, my social status)
2. You are not important: Everything and everybody else in my life consistently gets prioritized ahead of you.
3. I am able to directly control your emotional state. I can make you angry, afraid and/or insecure at will
4. I am able to manipulate your actions through a combination of 1 and 2 in a manner that clearly violates the golden rule
Before digging into the long, near exhaustive (and therefore possibly boring list of categorized boundary violating behaviors), I am going to hit the “deadly” dozen. I am starting with the topic of apologies. Or non-apologies. Or one of my favorites “I’m mad at you because you’re mad at me”.
Apologies: The technical term for this section is Error “management”. I am not even going to call this “conflict” management. Because frankly there are folks who excel at “jumping over” their own bad behavior. Literally they pretend like nothing happened, and they often get away with it. This is a big aspect of a relationship, maybe even be THE biggest one. We all make mistakes, treat each other unfairly, etc. The list below goes from your basic perfect world, slowly down the steps to Hell. When your partner has very clearly treated you badly:
1. GOLD STANDARD: THEY bring it up shortly after it happens. They don’t wait to see if you will let it go. THEY believe you deserve better than that. They apologize, commit to behaving better next time, and do something nice for you to show their contrition is sincere.
2. When you bring it up they apologize, commit to fixing it and perform some acts of contrition.
3. They don’t apologize but they DO commit to not repeating the behavior. If sincere, this is actually WAY more important than an apology.
4. They sincerely apologize but avoid committing to change. Beware the “empty” apology that means nothing. This step is however a positive step. By the second or third empty apology you simply begin insisting on a commitment to improve.
5. They flat out refuse to commit to handling that type situation differently/better in the future
6. They give you the non-apology. Some variation of “I am sorry if that hurt your feelings”. The implication is that you are too sensitive.
7. They go into “lawyer” mode and explain that while normally this behavior is frowned on, in this specific case it was justified by “insert long, self serving rationalization”.
8. They directly blame you. If only you hadn’t forgotten to take about the trash on Memorial day 3 years ago, they wouldn’t still be angry and would never have done this.
9. They deny the whole thing. Look you in the eye and deny that it ever happened.
10. They deny the whole thing and attack you for even SUGGESTING they might do something like that.
11. They deny, attack you for suggesting it and then blow it up into “I am not even talking to you until you apologize” for even saying such a thing.
I am more important than you are
Assuming you are generally emotionally positive/upbeat and are also conversationally competent, (you don’t subject your partner to endless observations about particle physics, needlepoint, or other stuff they find deadly boring) the stuff below is “I am more important than you”
Focus:
Some litmus test questions for focus are:
1. How difficult is it to get your partners full and undivided attention?
2. Does your partner expect or demand your undivided attention, but rarely give you theirs?
3. Does your partner try to avoid situations where the two of you block out the rest of the world?
If you are interesting and fun to be with, you should address these types of behaviors because they tend to cause ripple effects throughout the relationship.
Quality Time:
While having dinner for two your partners phone comes out and stays out while they multi-task between your conversation, and a phone based game/texting/talking on the phone. In an extreme case, the phone, not you, is primary focus. This applies to any “one on one” situation including standing in a long line.
It is ok if your partner is “child focused” to the point where they feel the need to be “available” to the kids/baby sitter while you are out. But that means they only take calls from the kids, keep them brief AND emphasize to the kids/sitter that they want communication limited to urgent matters.
In the normal course of your day, it is a bad idea to:
1. Allow your partner to get in the habit of initiating a conversation with you while they are engaged in an activity (reading/texting) that also requires concentration.
2. Get in the habit of initiating a conversation while your partner is doing something (reading/texting) with you expecting and clearly being agreeable to getting at most partial attention.
3. Continue a conversation even though your partner is getting frequently interrupted by non-urgent kids/calls/texts/etc. If they are legitimately busy, go do something else. Hey you have a phone too.
4. Continue a conversation when your partner is clearly distracted/not fully engaged due to their "internal" state (boredom, fatigue, anxiety about something). If they are anxious about something, get them to talk about it. But don’t settle for partial attention.
Prioritization:
Don’t confuse “focus” with “prioritization”. A good example of the distinction: You spend 8 uninterrupted hours together, and your partner is focused – but the WHOLE conversation is about THEM. Even worse, when you attempt to actually change the subject to you, they quickly steer it back to themselves. This is a matter of “I am paying attention to you solely to ensure we are both completely focused on ME”.
Some litmus test questions for prioritization are:
1. How often does your partner really want to know about your day? I don’t mean they ask the perfunctory “how was your day”? I mean, they really want to know. And when you tell them they empathize and even ask some questions.
2. How often do you actually do what “you” want, when your partner wants to do something else?
3. How often do they even open up with “what/where would you like to “go/do”?
The spectrum for handling priority “conflicts” is below. From “great” to – “why don’t my needs matter”?:
1. Giving: They know you. And that means they know what matters to you. If the conflict is in an area where it is very important to you, and not so much to them, they smile and do what makes you happy.
2. Proactive: THEY suggest a solution which meets both your needs even if it isn’t exactly what you want right now.
3. Reactive/cooperative: They don’t make a win/win suggestion, but are fully receptive to yours
4. Reactive/resistant: They resist but ultimately agree to the win/win
5. Oppositional/defiant: They refuse the win/win even when it is fair. They want what they want. What you want – well that doesn’t matter because ummmm – well – you don’t matter.
B. Tone: (from good to – why the hell did I marry this person)
1. Using a loving, patient and kind tone
2. Using a neutral tone
3. Speaking to you as if you are less than an equal/a servant - issuing commands - instead of making requests
4. Responding to a serious/awkward question you have asked - with silence
5. Interrupting you frequently and/or interrupting you without acknowledging they have done so with a - "sorry I interrupted - what were you saying"?
6. Allowing or subtly encouraging THEIR friends/family to routinely interrupt you
7. Frequently putting you down in private sometimes under the guise of joking around
8. Putting you down in public
9. Being quickly/casually dismissive of your suggestions, requests and/or ideas
10. When you first see each other at the end of a work day immediately complaining, nagging, launching into a long detailed self focused interaction
11. Responding with impatience/anger/indifference when you are trying to convey something important/intimate about yourself (such as initiating sex, or actually while you are having sex, or sharing a painful experience)
2. If you let them, these “may or may not be” examples of “I can control your emotional state”:
A. In the middle of a low emotion conversation you get “sucker punched”. Which means your partner is being highly critical of you, and/or is very angry/threatening towards you without any warning and with little or no apparent reason
B. Trying to get you to own “their” emotions. For instance “I am too stressed” to ever be in the mood. This is an indirect way to say “unless you can remove most/all the stressors from my environment” you will be involuntary celibate “inCel”
C. Repeatedly delivering a critical or negative message wrapped in humor and claiming “they are just kidding”
D. Taking their bad day out “on” you, instead of sharing it “with” you
E. Attacking your “core” instead of addressing a situation
F. Attacking your behavior with “always and never” you always “…” you never “…”
G. Rapidly escalating in emotional intensity and aggressiveness when you disagree with how they are treating you
H. Working the “fear” button by:
o Vague or not so vague threats to end the relationship
o Forming and pursuing inappropriate relationships with potential mates
3. If you let them, these “may or may not be” examples of “I can control your behavior”:
A. Acting angry when:
o They were clearly in the wrong until YOU apologize or
o Until YOU try to defuse by being extra nice even if you don’t overtly apologize
o You bring up a topic they don’t want to discuss (lack of sex, rude behavior on their part, inconsiderate behavior on their part)
o You talk about doing something they don’t want you to do, and when asked about “why” they don’t want you to do it, giving you the “shutdown” via “I am not going to discuss this with you”. Staying angry until you agree not to do it
o They aren’t getting their way
B. Accusing YOU of being controlling when:
o You are simply enforcing reasonable boundaries
o You are asking them to follow through on a commitment
C. Getting you to complement them or even getting you to initiate sex when they have no intention of saying yes
o Flirting with you during the day and then avoiding bed until they are “too tired”
o Flirting with you and then when you initiate, creating some conflict to avoid sex
o Asking you for compliments on their appearance when they never reciprocate
Boundary handbook:
Boundary testing: A boundary test is an interaction that violates the golden rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you).
This handbook is for folks in LTRs including marriage. It is mostly predicated on two things: (1) situational awareness and (2) self control. Being highly aware of boundary testing behaviors will only help you if you are able to manage your Anger, Fear and Insecurity. Get a handle on those and the rest of this is just technique. Practice and you will get good at it.
If you want to get the most out of this handbook, you should consider the strategies below.
1. This is about patterns of behavior not the occasional oops. The purpose here is not to turn anyone into a hyper-vigilant whack job who takes everything personally. It is intended to help you recognize patterns that are important and worth addressing.
2. After you read this through the first time, you may be filled with righteous indignation about all the ways your partner violates your boundaries. Stop for a moment and try to determine:
a. How often you do this type of stuff to them
b. When you do it, do they make a big deal about it, or not
c. Whether this is a boundary issue or a different type of relationship issue (maybe you talk too much about stuff they find boring, or maybe you complain a lot more than you realize)
3. If you decide that your boundaries really are getting badly violated, take heart:
a. Your partner is likely VERY consistent. This means you can plan ahead how you will respond to these boundary breaching behaviors.
b. Humor is best, but you should be teasing THEM. Absent humor, be VERY short on words and make heavy use of tone of voice and body language. And stay calm – they may not be calm – but you have to.
4. Are they really behaving badly “overall” or are your standards unrealistic? The best way to know is to triangulate:
a. Do your friends/family show much more respect for your boundaries than your partner does?
b. Does your partner show much more respect for their friends and families boundaries than for yours?
In general you have a serious problem if your partner treats other people noticeably better than they treat you. And if other people treat you a lot better than your partner, that is another bad sign.
The good news. Even if your partner is consistently violating your boundaries and treating you worse than they treat the maid, it is likely fixable. In fact boundary management can become one of the most entertaining aspects of your marriage if you master it. Engage properly with your “boundary testing partner” and it will help you reach your full emotional potential. And a partner who helps you reach your full potential is by definition a great partner. The stuff below is rarely malicious, it is just a “style of interaction”.
The bad news. If you do not enforce your boundaries, your partner will gradually lose respect and ultimately love for you. They will frequently do things to you they would absolutely not accept you or anyone else doing to them and they will slowly but surely get “worse” over time. You have two choices, learn how to enforce your boundaries, or continue getting your butt slowly but steadily kicked until finally you literally have no a$$ left and no choice but to stand at attention and do “each and every little thing that pops into their head” until they tire of you and find someone more fun to play with.
The way a typical person deals with a boundary testing partner is this:
- The tester does a series of minor things you dislike. Each of those things is below your threshold for conflict. Hey you’re a grownup. You don’t sweat the small stuff. You don’t want to be petty. Besides you love your spouse and these individual items are “NOT WORTH A FIGHT”. Meanwhile you DO notice this stuff and it is slowly making you angry.
- Finally they do one more of them after you have had a long stressful day, or you are tired, or worse have had a few beers. You now erupt into high intensity conflict HIC mode. You say and do inappropriate things. When the dust settles you apologize for being a jerk. Which you SHOULD, because you WERE a jerk. Classic passive/aggressive. Very destructive. After having that happen enough you decide you no longer want to fight (since you always lose) and you simply become passive/passive.
If you want to get good at this the first step is to recognize the main categories of boundary testing:
1. I am more important than you are (my time, my feelings, my priorities, my money, my social status)
2. You are not important: Everything and everybody else in my life consistently gets prioritized ahead of you.
3. I am able to directly control your emotional state. I can make you angry, afraid and/or insecure at will
4. I am able to manipulate your actions through a combination of 1 and 2 in a manner that clearly violates the golden rule
Before digging into the long, near exhaustive (and therefore possibly boring list of categorized boundary violating behaviors), I am going to hit the “deadly” dozen. I am starting with the topic of apologies. Or non-apologies. Or one of my favorites “I’m mad at you because you’re mad at me”.
Apologies: The technical term for this section is Error “management”. I am not even going to call this “conflict” management. Because frankly there are folks who excel at “jumping over” their own bad behavior. Literally they pretend like nothing happened, and they often get away with it. This is a big aspect of a relationship, maybe even be THE biggest one. We all make mistakes, treat each other unfairly, etc. The list below goes from your basic perfect world, slowly down the steps to Hell. When your partner has very clearly treated you badly:
1. GOLD STANDARD: THEY bring it up shortly after it happens. They don’t wait to see if you will let it go. THEY believe you deserve better than that. They apologize, commit to behaving better next time, and do something nice for you to show their contrition is sincere.
2. When you bring it up they apologize, commit to fixing it and perform some acts of contrition.
3. They don’t apologize but they DO commit to not repeating the behavior. If sincere, this is actually WAY more important than an apology.
4. They sincerely apologize but avoid committing to change. Beware the “empty” apology that means nothing. This step is however a positive step. By the second or third empty apology you simply begin insisting on a commitment to improve.
5. They flat out refuse to commit to handling that type situation differently/better in the future
6. They give you the non-apology. Some variation of “I am sorry if that hurt your feelings”. The implication is that you are too sensitive.
7. They go into “lawyer” mode and explain that while normally this behavior is frowned on, in this specific case it was justified by “insert long, self serving rationalization”.
8. They directly blame you. If only you hadn’t forgotten to take about the trash on Memorial day 3 years ago, they wouldn’t still be angry and would never have done this.
9. They deny the whole thing. Look you in the eye and deny that it ever happened.
10. They deny the whole thing and attack you for even SUGGESTING they might do something like that.
11. They deny, attack you for suggesting it and then blow it up into “I am not even talking to you until you apologize” for even saying such a thing.
I am more important than you are
Assuming you are generally emotionally positive/upbeat and are also conversationally competent, (you don’t subject your partner to endless observations about particle physics, needlepoint, or other stuff they find deadly boring) the stuff below is “I am more important than you”
Focus:
Some litmus test questions for focus are:
1. How difficult is it to get your partners full and undivided attention?
2. Does your partner expect or demand your undivided attention, but rarely give you theirs?
3. Does your partner try to avoid situations where the two of you block out the rest of the world?
If you are interesting and fun to be with, you should address these types of behaviors because they tend to cause ripple effects throughout the relationship.
Quality Time:
While having dinner for two your partners phone comes out and stays out while they multi-task between your conversation, and a phone based game/texting/talking on the phone. In an extreme case, the phone, not you, is primary focus. This applies to any “one on one” situation including standing in a long line.
It is ok if your partner is “child focused” to the point where they feel the need to be “available” to the kids/baby sitter while you are out. But that means they only take calls from the kids, keep them brief AND emphasize to the kids/sitter that they want communication limited to urgent matters.
In the normal course of your day, it is a bad idea to:
1. Allow your partner to get in the habit of initiating a conversation with you while they are engaged in an activity (reading/texting) that also requires concentration.
2. Get in the habit of initiating a conversation while your partner is doing something (reading/texting) with you expecting and clearly being agreeable to getting at most partial attention.
3. Continue a conversation even though your partner is getting frequently interrupted by non-urgent kids/calls/texts/etc. If they are legitimately busy, go do something else. Hey you have a phone too.
4. Continue a conversation when your partner is clearly distracted/not fully engaged due to their "internal" state (boredom, fatigue, anxiety about something). If they are anxious about something, get them to talk about it. But don’t settle for partial attention.
Prioritization:
Don’t confuse “focus” with “prioritization”. A good example of the distinction: You spend 8 uninterrupted hours together, and your partner is focused – but the WHOLE conversation is about THEM. Even worse, when you attempt to actually change the subject to you, they quickly steer it back to themselves. This is a matter of “I am paying attention to you solely to ensure we are both completely focused on ME”.
Some litmus test questions for prioritization are:
1. How often does your partner really want to know about your day? I don’t mean they ask the perfunctory “how was your day”? I mean, they really want to know. And when you tell them they empathize and even ask some questions.
2. How often do you actually do what “you” want, when your partner wants to do something else?
3. How often do they even open up with “what/where would you like to “go/do”?
The spectrum for handling priority “conflicts” is below. From “great” to – “why don’t my needs matter”?:
1. Giving: They know you. And that means they know what matters to you. If the conflict is in an area where it is very important to you, and not so much to them, they smile and do what makes you happy.
2. Proactive: THEY suggest a solution which meets both your needs even if it isn’t exactly what you want right now.
3. Reactive/cooperative: They don’t make a win/win suggestion, but are fully receptive to yours
4. Reactive/resistant: They resist but ultimately agree to the win/win
5. Oppositional/defiant: They refuse the win/win even when it is fair. They want what they want. What you want – well that doesn’t matter because ummmm – well – you don’t matter.
B. Tone: (from good to – why the hell did I marry this person)
1. Using a loving, patient and kind tone
2. Using a neutral tone
3. Speaking to you as if you are less than an equal/a servant - issuing commands - instead of making requests
4. Responding to a serious/awkward question you have asked - with silence
5. Interrupting you frequently and/or interrupting you without acknowledging they have done so with a - "sorry I interrupted - what were you saying"?
6. Allowing or subtly encouraging THEIR friends/family to routinely interrupt you
7. Frequently putting you down in private sometimes under the guise of joking around
8. Putting you down in public
9. Being quickly/casually dismissive of your suggestions, requests and/or ideas
10. When you first see each other at the end of a work day immediately complaining, nagging, launching into a long detailed self focused interaction
11. Responding with impatience/anger/indifference when you are trying to convey something important/intimate about yourself (such as initiating sex, or actually while you are having sex, or sharing a painful experience)
2. If you let them, these “may or may not be” examples of “I can control your emotional state”:
A. In the middle of a low emotion conversation you get “sucker punched”. Which means your partner is being highly critical of you, and/or is very angry/threatening towards you without any warning and with little or no apparent reason
B. Trying to get you to own “their” emotions. For instance “I am too stressed” to ever be in the mood. This is an indirect way to say “unless you can remove most/all the stressors from my environment” you will be involuntary celibate “inCel”
C. Repeatedly delivering a critical or negative message wrapped in humor and claiming “they are just kidding”
D. Taking their bad day out “on” you, instead of sharing it “with” you
E. Attacking your “core” instead of addressing a situation
F. Attacking your behavior with “always and never” you always “…” you never “…”
G. Rapidly escalating in emotional intensity and aggressiveness when you disagree with how they are treating you
H. Working the “fear” button by:
o Vague or not so vague threats to end the relationship
o Forming and pursuing inappropriate relationships with potential mates
3. If you let them, these “may or may not be” examples of “I can control your behavior”:
A. Acting angry when:
o They were clearly in the wrong until YOU apologize or
o Until YOU try to defuse by being extra nice even if you don’t overtly apologize
o You bring up a topic they don’t want to discuss (lack of sex, rude behavior on their part, inconsiderate behavior on their part)
o You talk about doing something they don’t want you to do, and when asked about “why” they don’t want you to do it, giving you the “shutdown” via “I am not going to discuss this with you”. Staying angry until you agree not to do it
o They aren’t getting their way
B. Accusing YOU of being controlling when:
o You are simply enforcing reasonable boundaries
o You are asking them to follow through on a commitment
C. Getting you to complement them or even getting you to initiate sex when they have no intention of saying yes
o Flirting with you during the day and then avoiding bed until they are “too tired”
o Flirting with you and then when you initiate, creating some conflict to avoid sex
o Asking you for compliments on their appearance when they never reciprocate