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Does my single male friend want more?

12K views 80 replies 37 participants last post by  sparrow555 
#1 ·
I'm married. I've been caual work friends with a single guy for about 10 years. Over the last year, we've grown a lot closer. We NEVER discuss relationship things, but we've been there for each other during family deaths, major job changes, etc. We have a blast together and really "get" each other. Lately, he makes more of an effort to be with me. Staying longer on business trips, bringing me small gifts back from trips, etc. However, since we live in separate cities, we can go months without talking. When we're in the same city, we're inseparable.
I've always told myself we're like brother-sister, but lately, i'm not so sure. He would never try to break up my marriage. But I can't help but wondering what he would want, if i were single?
I won't cheat on my husband and don't want to ruin my friendship. If he's in no way interested in more, then i don't have to worry. Thoughts?
 
#6 ·
Thoughts?
If your friend is straight, then he almost definitely wants more.

If he has been single for the 10 years you have known him, then he is probably deficient in ways that you don't know about, that would render him unsuitable as a life partner, even if you were available.

If you love your husband, and value your marriage, you should probably stop being friends with a single guy who lingers when he's around you, and brings you gifts.

If you feel a deep emotional closeness to your single friend, and you absolutely HATE the idea of losing the friendship, then ending it would be an even better idea for the sake of your marriage.
 
#7 ·
I'm married. I've been caual work friends with a single guy for about 10 years. Over the last year, we've grown a lot closer. We NEVER discuss relationship things, but we've been there for each other during family deaths, major job changes, etc. We have a blast together and really "get" each other. Lately, he makes more of an effort to be with me. Staying longer on business trips, bringing me small gifts back from trips, etc. However, since we live in separate cities, we can go months without talking. When we're in the same city, we're inseparable.
I've always told myself we're like brother-sister, but lately, i'm not so sure. He would never try to break up my marriage. But I can't help but wondering what he would want, if i were single?
I won't cheat on my husband and don't want to ruin my friendship. If he's in no way interested in more, then i don't have to worry. Thoughts?
You might be surprised.
 
#8 ·
I'm married. I've been caual work friends with a single guy for about 10 years. Over the last year, we've grown a lot closer. We NEVER discuss relationship things, but we've been there for each other during family deaths, major job changes, etc. We have a blast together and really "get" each other. Lately, he makes more of an effort to be with me. Staying longer on business trips, bringing me small gifts back from trips, etc. However, since we live in separate cities, we can go months without talking. When we're in the same city, we're inseparable.
I've always told myself we're like brother-sister, but lately, i'm not so sure. He would never try to break up my marriage. But I can't help but wondering what he would want, if i were single?
I won't cheat on my husband and don't want to ruin my friendship. If he's in no way interested in more, then i don't have to worry. Thoughts?
And does your husband know of these latest...."gestures"?
 
#9 · (Edited)
I'm married. I've been caual work friends with a single guy for about 10 years. Over the last year, we've grown a lot closer. We NEVER discuss relationship things, but we've been there for each other during family deaths, major job changes, etc. We have a blast together and really "get" each other. Lately, he makes more of an effort to be with me. Staying longer on business trips, bringing me small gifts back from trips, etc. However, since we live in separate cities, we can go months without talking. When we're in the same city, we're inseparable.
I've always told myself we're like brother-sister, but lately, i'm not so sure. He would never try to break up my marriage. But I can't help but wondering what he would want, if i were single?
I won't cheat on my husband and don't want to ruin my friendship. If he's in no way interested in more, then i don't have to worry. Thoughts?
He is slowly escalating the relationship to something more than work. This is a sign of an EA which is an emotional attachment towards you that is growing. This attachment that is growing has a neural chemical basis that is similar to cocaine addiction. He may or may not have a desire for more of a relationship with you, you don't know. But if the escalation is allowed to continue the addiction will grow and his feelings for more will grow.

It is time to put more boundaries in place to ensure it goes no further. It's good you don't discuss relationship items. Don't start. Limit the time you are together. Focus on some other people during any trip. Turn him down for meetings and start to refuse gifts. Tell him it's inappropriate to accept them when you are married and that he is going to far. You don't need to lose the friendship but you can't let it go any further.

His reaction to your cooling things off will show you how really he feels. If he is cool with it great. If he becomes persistent you know that he is too deeply invested and that you need to cut contact even more.
 
#10 ·
He is slowly escalating the relationship to something more than work.
BTW after you get caught in the affair, this is how you can say, "Neither of us saw it coming, it just happened."

Nice. :(



.
 
#11 ·
I'm married. I've been caual work friends with a single guy for about 10 years. Over the last year, we've grown a lot closer. We NEVER discuss relationship things, but we've been there for each other during family deaths, major job changes, etc. We have a blast together and really "get" each other. Lately, he makes more of an effort to be with me. Staying longer on business trips, bringing me small gifts back from trips, etc. However, since we live in separate cities, we can go months without talking. When we're in the same city, we're inseparable.
I've always told myself we're like brother-sister, but lately, i'm not so sure. He would never try to break up my marriage. But I can't help but wondering what he would want, if i were single?
I won't cheat on my husband and don't want to ruin my friendship. If he's in no way interested in more, then i don't have to worry. Thoughts?
Thoughts are that you're fishing MS. Why are you not so sure it's not a brother/sister thing any more? Why are you wondering what he would want if you were single? That shouldn't matter and the appropriate action is to back away from those you feel are temping for you. To be completely honest, the problem here is you and not this friend.
 
#12 ·
So you are just casual friends but you two have been there for each other for what sounds like significant life events (death, major job changes, etc...)? Where is your husband in all of this, shouldn't he be the one you are leaning on for stuff like this? I think you are lying to yourself if you think this is just a friendship. Even if there has been nothing physical, sounds like the emotional connection you have with him is more than just "friends".
 
#13 ·
I'm married. I've been caual work friends with a single guy for about 10 years.
How long have you been married?

We're you friends with this guy before marriage?

Your husband has not met this guy enough at all. Friends of a married woman need to be friends of the relationship, meaning you both, and have your best interests in mind.

Would your guy friend give you a gift with your husband standing right next to you?

The question you should be asking yourself is, if my husband were next to me, would it be appropriate to be saying these things/doing these things/spending this much time with this guy? Hint: the answer is most commonly NO.

Some people can happily have osf. But that is mostly a relationship that is wide open to the spouse, without any little secrets or conversations behind closed doors. As soon as you emotionally share outside of your marriage, you are neglecting that important bond with your husband. You are leaving him out. It's a high school game.

Read Shirley Glass : Not Just Friends.
 
#15 ·
Does your H know of all of these overtures and advances that this guy is making toward you? I'm taking it that he does not!

Without his knowledge of it, all that it is going to take is just one weak moment alone with this "stage door johnny" that you'll instantaneously give in to his coming carnal demands because of his special treatment of you! Like it or not, it sounds greatly like you're already in the throes of an EA and logically progressing to the next stage!

You had best back off, and inform your H of everything that has heretofore happened between this OM and you, or you could find yourself, as well as your friend, fastly becoming the objects of your H's negative attentions, not to even mention being made prime candidates to wear your a$$es for hats, more especially if he finds out about your little relationship through other possible sources!
 
#16 ·
Thanks everyone. There is a lot of truth here. Sometimes a 3rd party can see the obvious much more clearly that I can.
The question that has been posed most is "does my husband know". Of course he does. He is the first person i go to with everything. my friend is a supplement to things like jobs, death, etc. Much in the way that girls or guys have circles of friends for support.
My hubby also knows about the gifts - they are small in dollar value. I have no secrets from hubby and to date, he has been fine and supportive of my having other friends, including this one.

That said, I am not saying that everything is fine either. That's why I made the post. I think it's fair to say that there are some deficiencies in my marriage that my friend is probably filling in some ways. I'm trying to address those voids without success. I'll post a different thread in another forum about that.

The other missing detail here (not sure how relevant it is) is that my friend does NOT want children. Ever. I have two beautiful, wonderful, yet challenging children.
 
#18 ·
The other missing detail here (not sure how relevant it is) is that my friend does NOT want children. Ever. I have two beautiful, wonderful, yet challenging children.
Don't worry, they have birth control to help with that. He doesn't want to screw you to produce kids.

But he DOES want to screw you. Do you REALLY not know that? Are there REALLY women out there that think men go out of their way to be with them to be just friends? It's kind of sad really.

Girls. Listen to me and listen to me good. Your straight male BFF (single or married) wants sex from you. That is why they are your friend. Sorry about that. But it's life.
 
#20 ·
If he were far more of a friend to your husband and involved with both of you, giving gifts and support to your husband and children, it would be a safer situation. Would still need watching as he has been single an unusual amount of time.

As is, I don't believe your relationship with your friend is totally legit.

Excuses aside, he needs to be a true friend and love your marriage and family.

As mentioned in your previous post, your marriage has deficiencies that you are filling with your friend.

Do you talk to your friend about your marriage?
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#25 ·
I have never spoken with my friend about my marraige in any way, other than good things about my hubby. That seemed like crossing a line. I never wanted to send that signal.
I never thought I was sending a signal that i wanted more by accepting gifts or anything else. I never wanted to flatter myself in that way as to assume he would. When I was in college i had a different male BFF who I thought wanted more and he shut me down quickly! I would never assume someone else's feelings.
Perhaps I have sent inappropriate signals. Thanks for suggesting that. My husband knows all and has never said anything - perhaps that's reflective of problems at home.
At the end of the day, i'm thankful to have all the people who are in my life in some way. I'm thankful to have friends I trust, both male and female.
Never occurred to me I was sending signals. That must be terribly confusing coming from a married woman with children.
I guess guys would assume it's a aset up for potential f***buddies and nothing else?
 
#28 ·
That's good that you never discuss marital issues that's a good boundary. But it's not enough. Just being with someone feeds the addiction. The issue is that he is demonstrating that he is forming an attachment to you through the escalation of contact and gifts. Whether he wants more or not is irrelevant at this point because the relationship needs to be cooled down to stop and hinder any more attachment forming. Refuse anymore gifts and decrease time with him. Also engage with your husband and identify what your relationship needs and address it.

I went through a similar evolution and developed feelings for one of my wife's friends. I was escalating as he is. Once the escalation stopped and contact was reduced the feeling subsided. We are still friends but I don't have as much to do with her as I used to. I never had the intent on being her f-buddy at all and we never discussed our marriages but the feelings developed anyway. This is why you need to control it.

Some men may have only the goal of sex on their minds but not all men. I have several female friends and I value them is individuals with common interests not as carnal satisfiers. Those that say all men only think that are speaking for themselves.
 
#26 ·
You are having an Emotional Affair. You and your husband just don't see it yet.

I'm in the process of divorce. My STBXH was "just friends" with a woman he went to high school with for years throughout our marriage. He was there emotionally for her, it turns out, in areas he was not emotionally there for me. For example, last September, he traveled out of state for her father's funeral. He would not go with me to my stepmother of 42 years' funeral earlier that same year - he said he "didn't see the point." She is currently in a LTR with another man - she has been married and divorced twice - but that relationship is on shaky ground, according to him. He went to that funeral, I now believe to hook up with her, found her unavailable, got drunk at the wake, and hooked up instead with a widowed friend of hers. He left me and our son for that woman. Now things are unravelling there, big shocker, and who is he turning to even more? His "friend." I would bet any amount of money he ends up with her - she cheated on her second husband and blew up two marriages with children. They're made for each other.

The important thing is I'm not bitter.

My point, and I do have one :), is this kind of friendship is dangerous and not worth it if you care about your marriage. You said yourself he probably fills deficiencies in your marriage. Huge red flag there. You need to talk to your husband about those deficiencies and work with HIM on filling them.

If you truly care about your marriage and your children, you need to dial it the fvck down with this "friend" of yours. What would be a more painful loss? One friendship, or your family?
 
#29 ·
Seems a bit off to describe being so close to someone, very good friends for ten years, close like brother and sister, getting a lot closer in the last year and for him to not know about any issues with your marriage.

I suspect he knows about some deficiencies in your marriage.

I would hazard a guess that working harder in your marriage and improving the relationship with your husband would clear up the confusion about this friend.

I agree with Thundarr that it is the questions and tone of your posts that are more concerning than the circumstances.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#34 ·
How is your relationship with your husband? I'm Guessing it's not so good. Normally a husband in a good relationship would never allow this type of relationship. Maybe he's allowed it to continue as an out for him if it becomes physical. Not trying to be harsh. Just another perspective.
 
#35 ·
C'mon moonshine, are you serious???

How would you feel if your husband had a FEMALE coworker/friend who brought him gifts, lingered (and was inseparable) on out-of-town visits, and was "there" for him through all life's hardships??? Deaths, problems, job-stress, etc. Would you tolerate this for a single moment?

If you have to ask, perhaps YOU are more invested than you realize.
 
#39 ·
I'm married. I've been caual work friends with a single guy for about 10 years. Over the last year, we've grown a lot closer. We NEVER discuss relationship things, but we've been there for each other during family deaths, major job changes, etc. We have a blast together and really "get" each other. Lately, he makes more of an effort to be with me. Staying longer on business trips, bringing me small gifts back from trips, etc. However, since we live in separate cities, we can go months without talking. When we're in the same city, we're inseparable.

I've always told myself we're like brother-sister, but lately, i'm not so sure. He would never try to break up my marriage. But I can't help but wondering what he would want, if i were single?

I won't cheat on my husband and don't want to ruin my friendship. If he's in no way interested in more, then i don't have to worry. Thoughts?

The bold statement in light of what you have told us here, is troubling. I wonder how much you are interested rather than worrying about your friends interest? You need to be honest with yourself.

If you don't start working on your marriage and stop investing in this unhealthy (yes, it is unhealthy) relationship, this will go further. I totally understand your H may not be a willing partner in working on your marriage, but that is the chance you need to take first and go from there. Your current investment is not helping your marriage.
 
#40 ·
"But I can't help wondering what he would want, if I were single?"

The bold statement in light of what you have told us here, is troubling. I wonder how much you are interested rather than worrying about your friends interest? You need to be honest with yourself.

If you don't start working on your marriage and stop investing in this unhealthy (yes, it is unhealthy) relationship, this will go further.
:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

moonshine, I also wonder myself if it isn't YOU who is interested in pursuing this.
 
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