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How can I support my wife when trying for a baby?

8K views 51 replies 23 participants last post by  Kylie84 
#1 · (Edited)
My wife and I have ceased to use birth control and want a baby. We both agree that trying to time the intimacy too much takes the fun out of life. We're mindful of likely fertile days but we don't go too crazy.

She was really upset the last time she got her period. She was late and we were both convinced this was it, and then it wasn't. I felt so powerless and just wanted to make her feel better. Any suggestions for how I can help her if this happens again?


Edit: We did it!
 
#2 ·
First, how old are you and your wife. Second, how long have you been trying to get pregnant. If she was on the pill, it takes a while for her body to be off the pills' hormones. If you've been trying from 6-9 months and you're in the mid thirties or older, seek professional help to make sure she's actually ovulating and check to make sure your semen have a lot of numbers and motility. My husband and I dealt with unexplained infertility for 5 years before I conceived our first son through in vitro fertilization and I was 26 when we started trying.
 
#5 ·
Take her away on a vacation, somewhere exotic and relaxing. Don't let her plan, throw the ovulation meters away. Just bond and enjoy each other. Stress is a factor in preventing pregnancy. The body has to feel like it's not in fight/flight. Stress puts us in a constant state of agitation, and MANY things stress us in this day/age.

Shoot her inner hamster, then take her every night of your trip.

YOU do the planning - time the trip around her ovulation.

Eta: grammar blunders.
 
#7 ·
Although we were eventually successful and have a 20 month old and another one on the way, we tried for 5 years too. I know this may seem weird, but in the beginning, the thing that actually helped my monthly disappointments was when he was just as disappointed as I was and we were just there for each other. Hopefully you will not have to wait long. Because after a year or so it just sucks more and more until you can find a way to be at peace with it. That happened for us just before I conceived.
 
#13 ·
Just take it a step at a time. Hope this is the one but it may not be. Nature doesn't care how impatient we are. It will take the course it wants to take.

How to help make your wife feel better? Be excited but realistic. Reassure her no matter what the outcome, you are there for her. Took us awhile and the assistance of modern medicine before our time came which it did. I tried to stay positive and supportive throughout.

Good luck.
 
#10 ·
You'll be fine. Congratulations (I think). :)
 
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#11 ·
My wife and I have ceased to use birth control and want a baby. We both agree that trying to time the intimacy too much takes the fun out of life. We're mindful of likely fertile days but we don't go too crazy.

She was really upset the last time she got her period. She was late and we were both convinced this was it, and then it wasn't. I felt so powerless and just wanted to make her feel better. Any suggestions for how I can help her if this happens again?
Sounds like you are doing just fine.. the way you described how you felt RIGHT HERE is surely how my own husband felt.. we tried for over 6 yrs. .. took all those tests.. eventually I had a Laparoscopy (surgery) to explore what was wrong.. since all the Tests came back GOOD ... I was a basket case at times.. I was angry.. I was jealous .. there was nothing I wanted more in this life than a Family..

Thankfully we had 1 son at the time.. but being an only child myself , I didn't want that for him...it was the hardest time FOR ME.. which made it difficult for my husband... he just loved me through it.. he was there for my tears.. he was there for every attempt .. he never complained... then we went on to have 5 more kids ! Be careful what you pray for!

I know of the JOY of walking on the clouds after years wondering if we'd ever have more children.. it felt like the heavens opened unto us..... if there is any lesson in this hardship..it teaches you to not take things for granted.. May you be blessed with those 2 lines !
 
#16 ·
Awww, sorry to hear that :(.

My ex and I went through infertility. And honestly, from a relationship standpoint, it was the best time in our marriage because I felt very supported by him. I think the best thing you can do it just be there for her, let her cry if she's upset, don't make her feel like her sadness is unjustified, etc. Just the fact that you're posting here and asking about it shows that you're probably doing just what she needs :).
 
#19 ·
She's taking it better this time than last, although we still have hope that it might be a false negative. I don't know how she'll feel once we know for sure she's not pregnant, she might be upset or an hour or for days.

Is it common for women to be late? Perhaps naively, I thought for sure when she's three days late it's probably pregnancy.

I better fire up the grill before she gets home! Thanks to all who have offered advice so far.
 
#20 ·
The ex and I a similar experience and (as you probably know) its very common. The more you talk to people the more you realize that. Ironic that you spend so many yrs trying not to get pregnant and that when you do want to it can be sooo hard. Anyway, all I can suggest is to stop making it a "goal" Easier said than done but you hear this all the time....."when we stopped trying we got pregnant" "as soon as we adopted a baby we got pregnant..." etc. That was our experience.... tried for two years. We did everything up to IVF with no luck. Stopped everything and started talking about adoption.....boom baby. Just my two cents....I do remember how difficult this was on both. Best of luck.
 
#22 ·
So sorry EBS. Like I said earlier in this thread I sure hope you don't come anywhere near the 5 years it took us but after about 2.5 years I just stopped taking tests whenever I was late. Too much disappointment. You and/or your wife might not be ready for that strategy yet but something to keep in mind. It's not going to change the suck factor when the period shows up but when I was taking tests I was disappointed twice -- once with the negative test and then again when the period showed up.
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#25 ·
True enough. I've been on business travel and haven't seen her in a few days. I'm dreading the conversation.

It might not be genetic, my parent might not have the gene, I might not have the gene, the child might not get it from me. I'll tell her about it but I won't suggest that we start using protection. If I can't get it off my mind I won't be able to have sex.

It would just be nice if I could get my DNA analyzed without seeing a primary care provider to get a referral to see a genetics counselor to order a test. That rigamarole could take months.
 
#29 ·
You absolutely need to get tested. I know a couple where the husband had some sort of gene mutation (I have no idea what it is). The wife had given birth to a son who died shortly after birth. Later, she gave birth to a girl and she died shortly after birth as well. Genetic testing was done on the parents and it was determined that the father has something that he passes along to a fetus.

So please, get tested.

Another thing - when my DH and I were trying to get pregnant I kept track of my temperatures and used Fertility Friend to log everything. I know when I start and stop my period but it turns out that I ovulate later than I thought. If I didn't track my temp, we would have kept missing the "window" because we would have been too early.
 
#27 ·
How long have you been trying?

Sometimes you have to try for a year or two before the women get's pregnant. That's quite normal.

Especially if she used to take the pill.

You could suggest to go to a gynecologist, they will also check her hormones and so on.

Other than I would just remind her that the baby will come when it's meant to come. So for now just enjoy your time before the baby and focus on each other.

Suggest that instead of putting so much attention on getting the baby and buying tests and trying to force pregnancy.
Focus on working on your marriage so that you can be the best parents for the baby when it does come
 
#28 ·
There is a down site to getting too caught up in whether or not she is pregnant each month. Being nervous about getting pregnant can apparently interfere with getting pregnant. You both need to learn to relax. Give is a time frame.. 1 year or 2 years... and just have fun with sex, have it often and see where things go.
 
#30 ·
She's a couple of weeks late again. A few days before her period was expected, a doctor agave her a pregnancy test for medical reasons and it was negative. She bought an OTC test today, so we'll see.

My doctor said I don't need genetic testing unless another relative gets the same rare illness.

We've been having very good sex :)
 
#32 ·
Hopefully my advice will be irrelevant, but maybe try having YOU be the one to watch the test develop? That way it's you delivering the disappointing news instead of her. You did say that being the bearer of the bad news was part of her emotional upset. It also helps turn the notion that it's her fault into mutual disappointment you both share.
 
#33 ·
I never thought of that. If I have the opportunity I'll suggest it. She does feel it's her fault, which I find unreasonable on many levels.

At the moment I'd rather not bring up anything to do with pregnancy if it can be avoided. The tests are still in the box.

If she gets her period or tests negative there is a bottle of wine waiting for us.
 
#34 ·
What a lovely caring husband you are! I wish you the very best and may your TTC journey be a short happy one :)
 
#37 ·
My first wife and I were trying like crazy to have a kid and it seemed like I was screwing and she was unscrewing. Nothing seemed to work.

One day she was in a auto accident. She was in some pain from it and the doctor gave her muscle relaxers and it helped her out. Next thing we know she gets pregnant. Now I don't suggest having her get in a car wreck but without the tension of the constant trying and her being relaxed, 9 months later I had a daughter.

Both of you just need to relax and it will come together.
 
#38 ·
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! Happy and Healthy 9 months for you both, hope it is all smooth sailing! Enjoy every minute of it because it's beautiful- hard but beautiful :)
 
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