Wife's Sexual History
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Old 06-25-2011, 04:34 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife's Sexual History

Women are having sex earlier, more casually, are getting married later and are generally more adventurous. Therefore, by the time they meet their life partner, they often have had a lot of sexual partners and have done a lot of wild things.

In order to deal with this, men are taught to live by the adage, "the past is the past" and "modern" men are supposed to realize that there should be no double standard - women love sex just like men. It's no big deal.

Many men, however, still have mixed feelings about their wife's sexual history. Some can't bear to think about it. For others, it's exciting. For most, it's a mix of bewilderment that our sweethearts could do such things, fantasy and a sprinkle of jealousy.

So what do you think about your wife's sexual history? What have you heard about that makes you uncomfortable? curious? intrigued?
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Old 06-25-2011, 05:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's Sexual History

I have no problem with my wife's sexual history. I have reason to believe I know what it is completely. I knew it up front which is essential IMHO.

My stance on this is that men can choose a wife on any criteria they wish without any social stigma.

Our pasts are part of who we are. They tell us much about our character. Sure people evolve.

If a partner has had a very large number of partners just how special are you after all.

It is telling about the type of sexual experiences. i.e. if they were all LTRs with commitment that did not involve cheating then fine. If they were 100 ONS that is telling. If she was cheater ...

And so on. If she can;t remember who she has had sex with, then that tells you a lot.

The key again is that the man can choose any way he wants. Compatible / comparable is fine. BUT there is nothing about fairness here. If a man wants to have a double standard he can if he so chooses.

Women have the children. A man is responsible for all births during his marriage. Whether they are his children or not.

It would be hard to gather information on cheating but that would tell much.
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Old 06-25-2011, 06:12 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's Sexual History

knowing that my wife had a good look around, got to taste some different cuisine then finally decided she wanted to go with me and make me her husband gave me my ego a huge boost... I am a forgiving person so whatever happened in the past stays in the past. I went into our marriage with so much confidence that it was meant to be and that it would survive anything life threw at us.

Unfortunately for me my easy forgiveness and view that people are genuinely good at heart blinded me from seeing a lot of patterns or pick up on the red flags that would rear up in our relationship. So even though her putting me above all those other boys by being my wife made me feel like the luckiest and proudest man in the world, it all came tumbling down when life got hard and so she reverted to her basic instincts.
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Old 06-25-2011, 06:45 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's Sexual History

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Originally Posted by couple View Post
Women are having sex earlier, more casually, are getting married later and are generally more adventurous. Therefore, by the time they meet their life partner, they often have had a lot of sexual partners and have done a lot of wild things.

In order to deal with this, men are taught to live by the adage, "the past is the past" and "modern" men are supposed to realize that there should be no double standard - women love sex just like men. It's no big deal.

Many men, however, still have mixed feelings about their wife's sexual history. Some can't bear to think about it. For others, it's exciting. For most, it's a mix of bewilderment that our sweethearts could do such things, fantasy and a sprinkle of jealousy.

So what do you think about your wife's sexual history? What have you heard about that makes you uncomfortable? curious? intrigued?
Grow up.

As long as she's into you?

You should only worry about what happens going forward.
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Old 06-26-2011, 01:28 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's Sexual History

She lost her virginity at 19, she had sex with 8 or 10 guys in 2 years of college. After college she was married 7 years. I am her second husband. We have been together 26 years. Her past is her past.

She owns her past, not me.
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Old 06-26-2011, 11:20 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's Sexual History

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She lost her virginity at 19, she had sex with 8 or 10 guys in 2 years of college. After college she was married 7 years. I am her second husband. We have been together 26 years. Her past is her past.

She owns her past, not me.
And - even if it's 20 guys in 2 years - what's the difference?

It's about the road ahead.
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Old 06-26-2011, 01:49 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Conrad, can't we talk about our wives' sexual history without everyone assuming that we just want our wives to be virgins?

You may disagree but I think a person's sexual history IS very important. It is a very important part of who they are. It has a lot to do with how their sexuality developed, how they relate to other people and how they form and maintain relationships.

I have no problem with my wife's sexual history and I don't refuse to face it like you seem to. Of course it's complicated. I partly find it intriguing, sexy and yes, some of it makes me a little on edge (isn't that a good thing?) and perhaps slightly jealous. Sometimes I find some of the things she did a little shocking. This mix of emotion is healthy and when you put it all together, it excites me.

Anyway, I would not trade this for a virgin. Her activities are part of her. I don't simply wish to ignore this important part of her like some would. Obviously if she wanted to put it aside then I would respect that but she isn't ashamed of it nor am I.
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Old 06-26-2011, 02:10 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's Sexual History

Conrad isn't ignoring anything, he just chooses to not focus on things in the past. A very healthy attitude if you ask me.
Deal with her past and modern men are taught to not make a big deal of it? Um yeah, because it isn't any of your business. What she has done prior to meeting you really isn't yours to judge but you are anyways. You can either take Conrad's advice and move forward or you can focus on her past and do what one guy here did, shamed her so much that one day she packed up and left.
I am not exactly proud of my past and my husband knows all about it. At any point if he made feel bad about it, I would leave. No way on Earth am I going to stay with someone who I have pledged my heart and body to, only to be shamed for something I did prior to dating him.
That is nothing more than your insecurity and you are projecting it on to her.
BTW...Conrad didn't mention ANYTHING about virgins.
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Old 06-26-2011, 03:00 PM   #9 (permalink)
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brighteyes...you are ashamed (or at least 'not proud') of your past but not all women are. Not all people think this is a taboo subject as you seem to. I'm not judging you and you probably have good reason for feeling this way but please don't assume that every woman needs protection from her past.

And who's judging? I said that my attitude is that it is what it is. Nobody is judging. If she didn't want it to be any of my business then I would accept that. For that matter, her family is none of my business either. Her job, past jobs and education is none of my business either. She shares what she wants to share and she has no problem sharing this and discussing it. And I certainly don't judge her for it or make her feel bad about it. If I did, she wouldn't want to share it. The only reason that she shared it so freely is because we can discuss it like adults. BTW, she also shares it freely with friends - e.g. girls' nights out when the topic turns to sex as it often does. Why should a woman share freely with her friends but not with her husband? That would sound bizarre and hardly an open and communicative relationship.

So is the attitude that the only healthy way to treat a woman's sexual past is to ignore it? If a woman is not ashamed of her past and has a healthy attitude toward it, then why can't it be shared openly or shared without walking on eggshells. She's told me what's she's done, what she feels about different things. I also share my attitudes toward it but never in a judgemental way. What's wrong with that? If you both have a healthy attitude toward it, then why can't it be discussed openly like other past experiences?
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Old 06-26-2011, 04:13 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's Sexual History

I never said not discuss it, I said that it isn't your business to bring it up. If she chooses to and is open with it, then discuss. If she isn't, then let it go.

Past sexual experiences isn't a taboo subject for me, far from it. I have posted here often about my past and nearly every person who has been around here long enough knows what I did. Why? Because I own up to it and while I have regret, I am not ashamed. I was in a dark place and that was 20 1/2 years ago. I refuse to punish myself for something I did years ago and I certainly wouldn't allow my partner to punish me.

I am not saying ignore her past, what I am saying is that there are some women who are not comfortable discussing their past for whatever reason. Fear of rejection, being labeled, looked down upon, society and the labels they tag women with, you name it. If they feel like they will somehow be judged by their partner for things they did prior to meeting them, they will never share.

What Conrad (as always) sagely pointed out was that focusing on the past is pointless. What's done is done.
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Old 06-26-2011, 05:47 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's Sexual History

I'll speak for my husband....it is one of the reasons he TRUSTS me so much - because I made him "wait" till we was married. He respected that highly, he feels it spoke something deeply about my character. I think, had I had other lovers, it would come up in his mind. If I had many, I know it would have bothered him, he might not have chosen me. I wouldn't down anyone for that, especially if the have chosen to be wise in selecting partners only for long term relationships. I think it is reasonable to expect similar values in the one we marry. So these things surely should be discussed while dating.

I did a few things outside of intercourse with a couple guys before him. Looking back, I see this as innocent teen experimentation, I never hid anything from my husband- from day one. Me & him both looked at intercoarse as the "thing" you save for the one you love. I am very happy I wasn't with anyone else, I feel it creates a greater bond somehow if you have only been with each other, noone else has ever touched that sacred place. There is no comparisons, it is just more special than words can express. But then again, I am biased !

2 of my older sons want to wait till they are married to give themselves only to their wives. I know in their hearts they want to find a woman who feels the same. There is always a risk in marrying a virgin though ! What if she doesn't like sex & you find out you married a Frigid nun ! Yikes !

Pluses and minues on both ends.

I think Past history generally speaks something of anothers values & judgements, unless they have had a conversion along the way - whether it be spending habits/debt, job history, # of relationships & what caused the break ups, how quickly you have sex with new partners. Personally I would want to know everything but I think it is wise to be realistic, sure the Past is the past, but if the past has umteen partners, many break ups & worst of all -one night stands, I would think it reasonable for this to play on the others mind now & then.
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Old 06-26-2011, 07:43 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's Sexual History

I would like to know if she had any kids I didn't know about, had any viral STDs, had a partner who she knew had HIV, had a partner who killed himself, had any romantic, e.g. serious and longer lasting relationships with a woman or had ever been raped, molested or otherwise sexually abused. And of course had ever been a sex worker.

Other than that I do not care.
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Old 06-26-2011, 08:04 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I would like to know if she had any kids I didn't know about, had any viral STDs, had a partner who she knew had HIV, had a partner who killed himself, had any romantic, e.g. serious and longer lasting relationships with a woman or had ever been raped, molested or otherwise sexually abused. And of course had ever been a sex worker.

Other than that I do not care.
All good points.
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Old 06-26-2011, 08:10 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's Sexual History

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Conrad isn't ignoring anything, he just chooses to not focus on things in the past. A very healthy attitude if you ask me.
Deal with her past and modern men are taught to not make a big deal of it? Um yeah, because it isn't any of your business. What she has done prior to meeting you really isn't yours to judge but you are anyways. You can either take Conrad's advice and move forward or you can focus on her past and do what one guy here did, shamed her so much that one day she packed up and left.
I am not exactly proud of my past and my husband knows all about it. At any point if he made feel bad about it, I would leave. No way on Earth am I going to stay with someone who I have pledged my heart and body to, only to be shamed for something I did prior to dating him.
That is nothing more than your insecurity and you are projecting it on to her.
BTW...Conrad didn't mention ANYTHING about virgins.
A man is free to decide whether this is important to him or not. If the potential wife to be says it is none of his business he is free to weigh that any way he wants and vice versa. He is free and she is free. It is not like hiring practices. Equal opportunity rules. One is selecting the person who they intend to marry after all and in most cases raise a family. Anything is on the table. She can choose to balk at this if she wants becasue she is free.

It is not about focusing in the past. Many men would not care to know at all. No problem.
I would think a man who wants to know specific sexual details would be kinda creepy. I don't think that is what this is about. A persons sexual history is just one important part of many parts in assessing one's character and suitability for marriage.

I think if a woman is confident in herself she would have no issue with sharing this. After all neither partner needs to pretend to be someone they are not.

By getting all of this out up front it limits if not eliminates this becoming an issue down the road.

----------
update: I feel the need to add something here as emotions can run high. In no way are my comments meant to demean anyone or be judgemental on anyones past. It should not be assumed what I personally would be evaluating in knowing a womans past I was considering marrying. It is also not something I plan on ever doing again. I am just saying we should respect peoples rights to choose based on their own reasons and values. Lets not call someone immature or wrong because they feel it is important to know the sexual history of their soon to be spouse. How is that our business? YMMV.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 06-26-2011 at 08:32 PM.
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Old 06-27-2011, 01:54 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Thank you Entropy for calling out that unfair response (Conrad's 'grow up').

Just because someone feels that sexual history is important, doesn't mean that they want a 'clean' sexual history. Truly knowing your partner and achieving real intimacy means knowing them well. People's past family life, jobs and education all have good and not so good parts. I know my wife's life well. Obviously I assume that she chooses to keep some things private (sexual and non-sexual things that have happened in her life). She shares what she wants to share.

What surprises me, however, is that the automatic assumption here seems to be that past sex is always shameful and a 'difficult' topic. Brighteyes, you might share it here but you automatically assumed that I'm causing problems by caring about and being interested in my wife's sexual past. I don't see how you can be truly intimate with someone if you, for example, only know the hard facts of whether they have been exposed to HIV or have been a sex worker (to synthesise Runs' comment). If that works for some people, then I have no problem with that. I would never think less of a person for their sexual past but it's an important part of a person so I think that it does matter.

When my wife first told me about her past experiences, she always described them as 'mistakes' and it was like she was apologetic about it. Well this was not really how she felt. I don't think she was being devious, I just think she was a little confused about how she felt about them. Now she has come to terms with herself and with me that some of these were really exciting and physically fulfilling experiences. And like everything in life, some were forgettable.

I just don't understand how you achieve real intimacy if an important part of one's life (their sexuality) is shrouded in secrecy.
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