To start, i'm a newbie to this particular forum. Recently married (July '08), but involved for 4.5 years.
Not to go too far into detail, but my wife and I seem to have insecurities about one another. Although neither of us have ever really 'cheated' (by definition of NY divorce laws) we've both made our fair share of silly mistakes. More so on my end.
Our relationship used to be quite stable, with typical fights that lasted a few hours and then they became dust in the wind. Months before marraige we we're having some pretty big blow-outs that included a lot of regretful things being said. Anyway, two months after we had been married, i accepted a picture on my cell phone from a woman that i've known for a few years (and i knew she wasnt the best person in the world at the time). The picture was a topless one to clarify everything.
Keep in mind i've never, ever met with this girl alone in person, spoken to her over the phone in a verbal manner. It was simply text messages back and forth. After recieving the picture, i sent one back of myself, nothing that couldnt be shown on a billboard in the bible belt states. G-Rated.
It was crossing a line. When she found it and confronted me with it, i admitted my fault, apologized and told her i would never have contact with the woman again. To me, i felt like, okay i made a mistake, stupid of me, putting my wants before hers. But it wasnt anything where there was some emotional connection. I wasnt meeting her, it was almost like browsing online and running across a pron ad. To me, it was crossing a line, but i wouldnt call it cheating.
Time after time since then she has belittled me with my mistake, called me a disgusting human being, etc, etc. All things that i would brush off and move on with, continue working on bettering our relationship and live happily ever after.
I was also upset with her snooping through my stuff. This wasnt the first time. And matter of fact it wasnt the second or third time. More like the 4th or 5th time. And numerous times i've mentioned to her (even when i wasnt doing anything wrong) that i didnt appreciate it and that it upset me. If she asked, i wouldnt have much of a problem with showing her everything in my online life or on my phone. But she always took it upon herself to well .... help herself to my things and the private areas of my life.
The other week i saw on one of her personal friend sites (facebook to be exact) that she was having flirty messages with some guy that she would be seeing at a party in the next few days. She seemed to keep all the flirty comments in public view, but after the party, she turned all their conversations into a private matter, and started deleting the conversations back and forth. I installed a program that would log what she types on the computer. In all honesty i wouldnt care about what she tells her girlfriends in regards to me. I just wanted to make sure that there wasnt anything going on between her and this guy that i would need to be worried about. When i confronted her, she seemed to have a story with bits and pieces that were left out. Which made my suspicions grow a little more.
So now i've got this program that can show me whatever. In all of the fighting she had requested my passwords for e-mail addresses, etc. And i humbly obliged to provide her with them. Needless to say i had an e-mail to myself about the program on her computer.
She found the program and called me on it. I admitted to it, and we agreed that we could look through the log files together. One of the things i read she had no explanation for. She had chatted with him about the party, and said something about 'and dont stare!' in a friendly joking way. The program didnt log everything in a clean manner, so it was like deciphering code. Again, she never said yeah i said that. It was her saying i dont know how that was logged, i never said that.
All in all, to me it was the same thing she did to me (i think). She felt uneasy about things, and went through my stuff (which she justifies as being okay because she found stuff on the 4th invasion attempt). So she tells me thats okay that she did all that. But she tells me its not okay for what i did. Although i had my suspicions on what was happening, and i wanted answers just as she wanted them.
I guess im just trying to get some other perspective on if anybody thinks what i did was any different than her actions.
Straight forward answers are appreciated ... if it's really that different, than i'd like to understand why and take that into consideration.
Please note, that although this sounds like a couple 16 year olds having a marriage - we're both about 25 and are respectable people to every other person in our lives, hold down professional jobs, and are fairly successful for where we are in life. Just seems that when it comes to emotions, neither one of us really know how to tame them and get the point across. There are many other issues within the relationship that have led to things being the way they are, and if things need to be clarified i can post more about the relationship in order to help anyone have a better understanding of what the nitty gritty is.
At the very least, you could have deleted the picture the second it came. Leaving it around was just asking for it to be misinterpreted and used against you.
I think you guys might have to call some kind of truce, or moratorium on all past affronts. The problem you'll consistently run into is you'll be beating each other over the head with your past mistakes.
Can you guys agree... REALLY agree to start over with a clean slate, and forgive and forget everything that you've done to each other in the past? To me, if you could really do this, that would be a BIG sign of commitment to one another.
Giving up leverage is hard. Its nice to be able to drag out that blast from the past and get someone to shut up because of it. Unfortunately, you both seem to be quite good at it, so you won't get anywhere. Look forward, not back.
I know I know, its easier said than done. I know that the first one of you who messes up will have to listen to the other one get mad, and even if it isn't explicitly SAID, you'll still be THINKING about the past. You really just have to move on TOGETHER.
I suggest also taking some time to keep a list of some GOOD things you do for each other. Write that up together... some HAPPY memories to cling to that you can bring up.
All I can say is if you don't deal with the past now, you will both have a LONG list of grievances when you get to the divorce table.
If you can't put your individual issues behind you and move forward together without grudges and lots of harkening towards past mistakes, then it's not going to be a very happy life for either of you.
And thats the tough part. We're both such stubborn people. I've dropped everything from the past and admitted my faults and wrongdoings. I feel as though she is clinging onto these things that i've done in order to shut me up.
I've done all i can when its come to asking for forgiveness. And i've made a lot of changes in my life in order to 'rebuild' this relationship. The only thing, is that i dont feel as though she's putting in any effort and she isnt admitting (or seeing) any wrongdoing on her end. She's pointed the finger at me and says im the one for all the problems. But i know it takes two people to argue, and i cant push my own buttons.
She doesnt want me touching her, in almost any way. For the past few nights i've placed my hand on her arm or even her back to show that i am reaching out. I'm not pushing my limits with things and going places i shouldnt be going. I'm just simply trying to rebuild and make things 'like they were'. I know that will never happen. But without both of us putting in some kind of effort, she just continues to push me away, and i form a lot of resentment from that. Being continually rejected starts to give you the feeling as the other person just doesnt care. Deep down inside i feel as though she doesnt want things to work out. The grass always seems greener on the other side, and with her talking to this guy (still) it makes me think that this is what she feels.
Its hard for me not to take a lot of what she says to heart when she points a finger at me. I know that i was the one who started all this mess with not being totally honest with her (in ways).
We've typically had a great relationship up until 6 months ago. Did everything together, loved one another whole heartedly, and never took each other for granted. After the first year or so of the relationship our sex lives took a turn for the worse. I'm not sure where it happened, but it was almost as if one day everything stopped. For the past 3 years or so we've been having sex maybe once a week, and it was typically me initiating it and feeling as if maybe it was some kind of charity thing for me. Almost to shut me up and get me out of her hair. I've spoken to her about it for the past 3 years and have tried to understand. The only problem, is she never gives an explanation. She just promises things will change, and we'll have a better sexual relationship.
Looking back on everything i feel as though her pushing my feelings to the side and not addressing this (what i think) major issue was a reason for me looking elsewhere. No her actions dont MAKE me do what i do. But i believe its a good addition to why i did those things. Never once did i touch another woman, or have any emotional relationship, etc. I recieved a picture on my phone that i never deleted (stupid me right).
Prior to this relationship, i've been in other semi long term relationships. The one prior was 3 years long and the sex was almost every other day, if not daily. Never once did i look outside of that relationship for anything. She was no beauty queen, i knew i would never marry her, but she kept me happy and she always kept me looking at her.
I feel unwanted in this relationship, almost as if it could all be done without me. I want to make her happy again. I love seeing her smile, feeling her happiness, and making her day. I'm trying everything i know how in a desperate attempt to maybe have something thats even remotely similar to what we once knew.
Sorry its all so scattered, my head has been quite the mess with the past couple weeks. All in all, i want this. More than anything, and i'm giving it my all in order to make it work, but maybe there's something im missing.
Need opinions ...
