Please help me see the light...
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Old 06-28-2011, 11:26 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Please help me see the light...

I have been married for 5 years, and dated for 2 prior with my wife. I have 2 small boys (almost 3 & almost 1). To make a long story short, I was forced to shut down my business last year, and finally agreed to move to my wifes home state. This is a place I said I would never ever live, but knew my wife always wanted to raise our kids here. The main motivator for me to be willing to move here was a job opportunity, that after a year of being there I know realize this job is not for me, and the income is terrible. I have an job opportunity to move back to the city we moved from where my wife and I met, as well as spent the first 6 years together. The job opportunity is with my old business partner who has always been very successful (much more than I) and as always looked out for me as we work very well together.

The dilemma, wife refuses to move back. Wife wants to stay where we are b/c its close to her family (my mom lives where we used to live). Its been close to 1 month, and the only job opportunities here are for less income than I have made in my career. I am not happily married, and I am not fully sure I ever have been. I am a very laid back person, very go with the flow, and will now admit a settled with my wife for convenience of being single years ago. (I hate saying that). My wife is a very attractive woman (which is why I have dealt with the BS thru the years) and an amazing mother. The problem I have is it the positives about her pretty much stops there. If god for bid she died tomorrow, I dont know how many positives I could say about her other that this....to me that is VERY SAD. My wife has had run ins with almost everyone I know (coworkers, my friends, her friends, her siblings, my mother). She has battled years of depression and anxiety and takes meds for it....but I dont know if that ever truly goes away. For the most part she is not the happiest person, and tends to bring out the negative in almost anything. I am the complete opposite, and a happy and typically positive person.

I think if we didnt have the 2 boys (that are my life) I would walk, b/c every friend of mine thinks that would be the best for me and my happiness. But I love my boys, and although not happy with my marriage I would be heart broken to possibly live in another state from my boys

What do I do? do I stay in this state and live a crappy life financially and never really be happy b/c my wife cant be pleased? or do I finally cut the line and do the best I can with my kids, and for once in my life worry about ME and not my wife or someone else?

I thank you for your time...I am new to this whole posting thing.
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Old 06-28-2011, 11:51 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help me see the light...

If you need to move in order to secure a better career, then do so. In these economic times it is not a luxury but a necessity for many people.

Granted that you would be leaving your wife and kids but it seems that your unhappiness with your wife and marriage would eventually force you to do so. And just maybe a short separation from her will help you to emotionally heal so that you can make an informed decision as to whether or not your marriage is salvageable.

Change often comes with pain that's why most of us shy away from it. But change is necessary in order for you to turn your life around.
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Old 06-29-2011, 01:15 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help me see the light...

I was watching Gene Simmons the other day, it was an episode of him and his wife going through a "tiff", she moved out and the kids were bothered. Well.. his son quoted his father once telling him that, "when you have kids, the rules change." and they do... I am the mother of soon to be three and my husband and I have a similar situation except that we only live an hour away. It can be hard. I want to live with my mom and he won't leave his dads side. I'd rather live in our own house, but he seems to not be ready... I took a sociology class this passed semester and read a sad line in the first chapter of the book, we "Americans" are the only ones in the world that will go to such extremes as to move away to a different state for our own happiness, even if it means to leave our families behind." We're selfish when it comes to our happiness and doing things for ourselves.
Yes your wife has her issues, but later on the only ones that are going to suffer are the children. It's easy to tell you, GO be Happy somewhere else. That's the obvious choice for you, right? but you are here because it doesn't feel right... for a reason.

"The rules change when you have kids." you leave them now, and they will only know you through pictures, eventually a new daddy will take your place... there is marriage counseling and getaway weekends for your wife and you to fix your problems enough.

Financially, it makes sense to move back to the city. But it is hard to live away from family. my husband has a better job in Los Angeles, an hour from where my family lives, and I have agreed to stay with him for that reason only. It's summer though and I am with my family. Talk about taking long vacations for her and the boys during the summers, if she's not working. Anything.. Don't just jumpy to the conclusion that you are done with her and your kids and your off to a new beginning without them.

I really hope you guys find common ground somewhere and I hope that you don't become a stranger to your kids because once they grow up, your absence is all they will remember.
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Old 06-29-2011, 08:41 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help me see the light...

What's better for the kids? Are they in a better situation now (school, friends, stability) or would uprooting them again be worse?

It took me a long time to realize that a job and income aren't the most important things in life. granted a job takes up about a third of your life, but it's only a job.

If you are doing OK financially, stick it out for a while longer. Get into marriage counseling to address the other issues in the marriage. Don't bail unless you have tried everything you can to save the marriage.
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Old 06-29-2011, 02:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help me see the light...

We did counseling a few years ago after my first son was born, and that only was a band-aid. My gut tells me that my wife will never fully be happy regardless of where we live. If we stay together, and stay put and we dont have the income we are accustom to she will not be happy. FYI, my wife is a stay at home mom.....we have day care 1 day a week. She doesnt want to go back to work.

I have battled the "D" word for years before this current situation, but I am always to chicken to make the move and I am optimistic it will be better. I dont see how I win this one .

I agree with lyngreen504 that there is more important things than just money. But if I cant provide here, than what good does staying do?

To clarify a bit more about my life, I dont "step out of bounds" really ever. I dont go drinking after work, I come right home. i dont play golf/sports all weekends with friends, I spend with my family. I dont do anything other than work and family. It seems anytime I do want to play golf its big deal, or if I happen to grab a drink after work I lie about it b/c I dont want to deal with the drama over it. I know my wife goes thru my email and cell phone b/c she doesnt trust me. I have never cheated, and other than a stupid lie 2 months into our dating 7+ years ago she is very insecure. She has been cheated on with most past relationships.

I know there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, but i help cook dinner, I clean up the house at night, I am very invovled with my kids. I read all these other posts about how many husbands do nothing to help. I feel that I am a pretty good husband and its crazy that I have to deal with grief whenever I want to do anything other than work and go home.

Sorry for the venting, just trying to paint a full picture of my life. Please send more advice.
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Old 06-29-2011, 02:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help me see the light...

Titan,

Your giving too much. And maybe your boundaries are being torn away.

Go here...
The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference

See if you see any of yourself in these posts.
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Old 06-29-2011, 10:28 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help me see the light...

Titan, Was there any change in the standard of living between where you used to live compared to where you do now?

If you guys can live comfortably with your current locale and salary, maybe you manage until something comes together where you are. Or perhaps your successful business partner can put you in touch with someone locale or even telecommuting for work if possible. I'm just reaching since I don't know exactly what your business entails.

I do believe you made a big commitment for her and there should be compromises involved. This would include you having your own personal time for your own hobbies and friends. Perhaps there is way to present that to her so she can understand what a difficult transition it has been for you. There is the matter of taking care of yourself. I assume she would want the same. If she doesn't understand, counseling should help get that point across. You may also want to consider IC since you seem really conflicted.

Also, maybe there is a way you guys can come up with a plan for her to eventually back into the job market if you don't feel financially secure.

I really feel for you. I am in a similar situation with you. My wife wants me to move back closer to her family, meaning an ugly commute for me. I really am scared to take a step back and I'm sure you feel a lot has been stripped away with this move.

Hope for the best no matter what direction you go
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Old 06-29-2011, 11:12 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help me see the light...

Sounds like a crappy situation. Your kids are your first priority. If you stay in a bad marriage it will effect the kids. If you leave it will effect the kids. It's a no win situation. Maybe you could live and work where the new job is during the week, then go to where your wife is on the weekends. Good luck with whatever you do.
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Old 06-29-2011, 11:31 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help me see the light...

What does your wife think about the situation? How does she feel about the marriage? Does she know that you are unhappy? What happens when you talk with her about this situation. Moving away from your kids is not going to make you happy no matter how much money you make. You will also have to make a significant amount of money in order to financially support two households. Titan, WTG on thinking this through before making any kind of life changing decisions.
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Old 06-30-2011, 01:24 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help me see the light...

i'm a child of divorce and believe me, not much good comes out of having your parents split up. i was 4 when my parents split...and my brother was 1. my mom remarried when i was 7, and honestly, he is more my father than my real dad. my real dad moved to another town and we only saw him once a month. i'm in my early 30s now and am still closer to my mom -- my relationship with my dad does not go much beyond how's the weather, who won the Jets game, etc, etc. not to say your children would end up in the exact same situation, but just wanted to throw that out there.

you married your wife for a reason, right? i know you say you think you settled, but you sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders so i can't imagine you really married her only for her looks. i suggest counseling to try to reconnect -- try to remember why you fell for each other in the first place. having kids is hard on a marriage...yours are young so you are in the most challenging time of all. its easy to lose touch with your spouse when your kids are your #1 priority. you made those children out of love...remember that!

the above poster brought up a good point -- does your wife know your feelings? is she aware there is more to this than just the business situation? what are her thoughts? does she want to split up or try to make it work? maybe meeting with a marriage therapist would be a good idea.

i wish my parents had tried to make things work. they get along and are amicable, but i still lost my dad out of it. i would have given anything to have grown up with him in my life day in and day out -- not just one weekend a month.

good luck.
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Old 06-30-2011, 02:11 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help me see the light...

In my opinion, I think this is a really crappy time to be making such a big decision. Not only are you dealing with relocating, but also marital issues. Kids are involved. If I were you, I would stay put (if financially possible) and work out the issues in your marriage before you make such big changes in your family dynamic. Your sons and your wife will appreciate that. Maybe if she sees you working so hard to make you happy, she will be more understanding to you building more of a "me" life where you are now. Let her know that you need time with your friends to keep you happy as well. Fathers these days are doing a hell of a lot more around the house than our fathers did back in the day. Kudos to you for following that trend.

Does your wife have a "me" life. Does she have hobbies that get her out of the house? If not, maybe that is why she does not want you to have a "me" life. My wife gives me hell, too. We both feel like we need a life outside of the kids but it isn't always easy for women to get that a man needs time away from them. I've heard this same song and dance from all my friends about their wives. Try to help her find things to do away from the kids and I bet she'll be more understanding of you doing the same.

Was it a mutual decision for her to stay home with your kids? My wife stays home with my daughter and I think she is a hell of a lot better off being raised by her mom during the day instead of being in a daycare. But if staying where you are now is so important to her, maybe going back to work would be a good solution. If anything, it could buy you guys some time to work on marital issues before you make any life altering decisions.

Counseling. That would be my first move. You said she's hot and she's a good mother - but surely there is more to her than just that. You married her for a reason. Its easy to forget about what life was before kids. I only have one, but I know that getting my wife out to have a little "us" time is darn near impossible. But you gotta do it or you will completely lose track of you two. Sounds cheesy, but give her hugs, surprise her with a night out. Do something to help turn the focus to you two instead of on your kids.

I just joined this forum for advice on my own issues in my life so I figured it was the least I could do to try to offer a little of my own advice. Hope it helps. Cheers.
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Old 06-30-2011, 11:12 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help me see the light...

First, I greatly appreciate all the advice on this site. I have never had this to openly vent and get advice so THANK YOU! I have seen some good advice on here, and maybe counseling is the next logically step. Although do people ever really change?

As for do we talk about the situation? no we dont. and the reason why is when ever I try she becomes an emotion wreck and it always turns into "I dont want to talk about this right now". Again, I am non confrontational so I leave it. I tried this AM to talk about it, and within 2 minutes she is crying. and then the wheels fall off.

If there were no kids, I would leave this marriage immediately. Does it make sense to stay married for the kids only? A part of me says its my life too, dont I deserve to be happy?

I fear that if I take the job and commute M-F I will be greeted with *****y behavior all weekend since she is "stuck with the kids" during the week.

To be honest, my gut tells me I am just delaying the inevitable anyway. I hope I am wrong.
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Old 06-30-2011, 11:34 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help me see the light...

So you "settled" for your wife because you didn't want to be single and you stayed with her because she is good looking? If she died tomorrow you couldn't say many good things about her?!?!
Do ya think your attitude is noticed by her?
Please leave, give her a chance to find true happiness.
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Old 07-01-2011, 07:40 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Ahmed Khan View Post
I think open and honest communication is a great start...
Agreed. You need to be open and honest with her. The things you are saying might be difficult to hear so counseling would be a good arena to address things. Women are emotional by nature. We aren't that way so sometimes we need a little help communicating. You made a commitment to each other and created a family. It would be tragic for you to walk away without really trying to work with her to find happiness together. You owe it to her and to your kids.
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Old 07-01-2011, 11:06 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please help me see the light...

Trusting your gut is often about trusting your emotions. When people are struggling in their marriage, emotions are all over the place. I would look at yourself and see how you are contributing to the situation. Think about how you can be a better husband. Get to counseling so that the two of you can learn how to talk about these things in an appropriate manner.
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